SO FAST

DIDN'T EVEN SEE HER

LITERALLY A BLUR

JUST A FAINT WHIFF OF BASEMENT AND BOG WATER

TOODY WHO?

SHE BROKE THE SOUND BARRIER THREE TIMES

OK she actually ran into a bush, got stuck, and screamed for her mother to come save her from the prickles that bad-touched her paws

Then she ran into what was either a murder shack, a Bigfoot shelter, or a 13 year old boy's summer project in the middle of the fucking woods and I really expected to get stabbed as I awkwardly chased her out of the weird tarp-and-illegally-chopped-trees lean-to from HELL

So she may have also uncovered the fucking Necronomicon and my ADHD ass was too distracted by the local squirrel population to see it, which is a big win for me and a real let-down for Sam Raimi

I'm sorry, Sam Raimi, for implying that your movies involved putting actual demonic curses on Bruce Campbell but that's what the crazy preacher man said - the one who sometimes lives up the road in a tent and hosts evangelical conferences every other summer

My Nanny (rest your crotchety bingo-loving soul, Sybil 🤟) exclusively referred to this whole gathering as "The Gospel Preachers" and said they would steal me if I got too close because I was a 'pretty little girl'

which seems a little rude in hindsight since she didn't tell that to my cousin

then again my cousin grew up to be a Biochem genius and I fistfight pigs for a living so I mean who really won the genetic lottery in the end

https://gofund.me/f3d4b2cc1

Anyway here's a GoFundMe we started back a while ago to fund The Hound's extravagant lifestyle - if you wanna donate to keep me away from the Gospel Preachers and my mother's house, feel free, but also donate to your local animal charities if the urge takes you

Apparently nobody wants to see any of the menagerie rehomed, which would be inevitable if I had to relocate to my mother's home.

she has never been less sorry

this is what happens when the landlord is kind enough to fix the fence gate so the demon can be unleashed

the demon goes upstairs to visit and eats his goddamn guacamole

then she tried to shove his 2 year old niece down a flight of stairs

then she barfed guacamole and half a ping pong ball into a pool floaty cupholder

at which point I was done cleaning the yard and she returned from whence she came, leaving behind a trail of destruction and something that lives between trauma and amusement

Landlord and his boyfriend both whispered what the fuck toody in unison and honestly that's my whole mood for the past 6 months

This shit goblin has been invited to a public costume party at the local dog park for Halloween, and rather than let the ADHD win by procrastinating for a month, I'M IN IT TO WIN IT

I'm currently torn between a few possibilities, including:

• A bobble head

• A MUPPET (but how to make it obvious....?)

• One of the trees from The Lorax

• A dandelion

• The Devil

GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS AND IDEAS GREG POPULI

NO IDEA IS TOO STUPID FOR ME AND YOU ALL KNOW IT

BONUS POINTS IF U CAN TELL ME HOW TO COBBLE TOGETHER A COSTUME

BONUS BONUS POINTS IF ITS A COSTUME TOODY WILL NOT IMMEDIATELY DESTROY WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE

also IT'S MY BORTHDAY GREG IM HALFWAY TO 70 AND IM PLANNING MY DOG'S COSTUME FOR HALLOWEEN

I keep going down memory lane and wanting to FUCKING PUKE because she was so fucking tiny and cute and perfect and squishy and now she's just badness on top of badness

YES FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS

THAT IS PETUNIA ANNE

IN A MOTHER FUCKING WHEELBARROW

Why, Susan? You may be asking. Why would Toodles McDoodles, she who cannot jump onto a bed without emotional support and safety rails, leap into a shoddy 1992 wheelbarrow?

Because, Greg, the wheelbarrow has two critical things in it:

Dirt

and

rainwater

AKA DIRTY WATER

basically a built-in backyard above-ground pool made specifically for Petunias, with a luxurious, hand-crafted layer of artisan clay at the bottom for her to stir up to her liking

she then brought me three heavy duty outdoor power bars that she found somewhere and decided to destroy for the love of the game and I had to hide the evidence for her so now I'm an accomplice to her crimes

and she smells like DIRT again

The truth is

Toody is a way bigger freak of nature than I've wanted to disclose

Her weird puppy quirks are now weird dog quirks, which makes them correspondingly larger due to her body growth

I don't like to shame anybody, but sometimes it's a necessary evil

SO HERE ARE SOME WEIRD THINGS TOODLES MCDOODLES DOES

#1 - Petunia Anne cannot stand up in a vehicle, even if the vehicle is fully stopped and parked.

You can leave her in there for an hour and she will simply lay in the backseat and pretend to be a fucking carcass. She will drool approximately half a gallon per hour, despite always being very happy about wherever the car eventually deposits her.

She does not barf anymore, because she is a strong and independent woman. She just threatens to barf, regardless of how much doggy gravol she devours beforehand

#2 - Miss Petunia Anne cannot stand up on a basic twin-sized mattress.

She struggles to jump onto said mattress without moral and physical support, and immediately lies down wherever she lands. There is no moving her at this point, unless it is to get off the bed, at which point her legs miraculously start working super well.

She is also only able to jump onto the bed at the exact spot where a human being would traditionally like to sleep. If she is not allowed to jump up at that location, she cannot jump up at all. It is simply not possible.

#3 - Toody begins to argue with whoever is available at 6PM every night

You would think this means she wants to go for a walk, but she does not. She simply wants everyone's attention, or maybe she wants to start a debate club. I just don't know.

#4 - Harnesses are terrifying, as are leashes and collars. But walkies are a delight.

If you want to walk my dog, you have to be slick about it, because as soon as she hears the jingle jangle of her harness or collar, Toody is making herself scarce and laying her ass in the very back of her crate. She will act naked and afraid until she is outside and geared up, at which point she is very happy again.

#5 - These hips might lie

When the stars align and I decide I hate being financially responsible enough, Petoodles will be getting her doctor friends to take a gander at her hips and hind legs. Why? Because I cannot tell if she's a freak of nature because of her personality, or because her stupid fuzzy body is defective.

My heart yearns for a very weird personality and not 12 years of ongoing joint therapy and limited exercise BUT HAHA WE'LL SEE, GANG, WE'LL SEE

what a loser

i bet her mom dresses her

looks like she'd shit in a river for sure

thinks the cheering crowd at the baseball field is actually for her and gets all wiggly-waggly and does this stupid perky prance every time they go WOOOOO because she literally thinks this group of people are all gathered to cheer on Petunia Anne as she enjoys her evening walkie walk?

A nice man walking behind us ended up laughing so hard he choked on his spit because it was painfully clear that my dumbass muppet reject 100% believed she was being enthusiastically cheered for by several dozen strangers two streets away

COPS CAN'T TICKET WHAT THEY CAN'T SEE, GREG

and also possible hip displasia based on current evidence and the fact that her family tree is a lowland shrub at best

SO ANYWAY GANG WE GET TO SEE WHAT TOODY DOES WHEN SHE'S ON BIG GIRL DRUGS BC GIRL NEEDS TO GET HER ASS SEDATED SO WE CAN TAKE A PICTURE OF HER HIPS TO SEE IF THOSE SONS OF BITCHES ARE LYING OR NOT

she is very excited and seems thrilled at the prospect of a real good snooze followed by what will surely be 12 straight hours of wailing BC she can't feel her toes and her lips feel funny

Our hike turned into a 45 minute exercise in futility as Petunia became increasingly unhappy with the lack of water features on the trail and did not want to drink out of a dumb little bowl like a normal pleb

we hit the second rockfall and she literally stopped moving until I turned around and we went back the way we came, disgraced and unsuccessful

so we hit the surf instead because lemons and lemonade or whatever

Toody tried to catch a piece of seaweed but it eluded her for fifteen minutes

she attempted to eat an assortment of very friendly ducks who said, and I quote, "Toody what the fuck"

A small child asked if she was a dog and I said no very bluntly but didn't elaborate so idk what that kid's mom had to listen to in the car but you're welcome, ma'am

she tried to incite rebellion among the husky brethren who were also on the beach but those guys were pathetic sheeple who only want to follow the law of The Man. Petunia tooted in their general direction.

After eating multiple mice/shrews/voles/squirrels in the backyard, Petunia was forced to get weighed at the vet for an updated dewormer because I have no interest in whatever those things probably introduced to her gut microbiome

To celebrate her bravery when faced with the terrifying weight scale, we did a victory lap around a nice lake and yelled baseless insults at the local duck population. This seemed preferable to committing the avian murder she clearly had on her mind.

Toodles is not sorry for what she said, or for hunting down any small furry rodent that dares to cross her path.

fellas does anyone else have a dog that's basically self sufficient?

I MEAN WE JOKE ABOUT PETUNIA BEING A DUMB BITCH BUT real talk I'm pretty sure Toody only lives with me for convenience - girl is out here munching away on literally every smallish critter that she can get her paws on and idk if there's actually a way to stop it besides waiting for the rodents to realize this yard is their version of the fucking Thunderdome

idk why I even try to take pictures with her at this point Greg

she has a neverending number of absurd faces to make and sounds to produce

On the bright side, she had a real dandy walk with no weird limps or LARPing as a carcass ✨ SO FINGERS CROSSED THAT HER X RAYS WILL SHOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON THE 13TH

The demon is also going to need to be sedated for her X-rays, and that means that we will all be getting a whole bunch of really entertaining Petoodles videos and pictures because u know this absolute buffoon is going to make her being stoned everybody else's problem for at least 14 hours

My personal bet is that she will collapse on the couch and spend 95% of the night competing in a drunken yodeling contest where she is the only participant

I complain that she is loud and yet

this is proof that she has always been loud

all she ever does is yell

her siblings were ready for her to move the fuck out honestly

We all live only at the mercy of Toodles McDoodles, Princess of Petoodles, President of the Roodiest and Toodiest of the Roody Toody Patoodie club

you may examine her jolly ball from a respectful distance

you may even admire it and applaud her incredible hunting prowess for catching something so large and round and blue

but you may not touch the jolly ball

to do so is simply illegal

and

she WILL prosecute

except if you want to throw it but in that case she would still find it deeply suspicious.

almost indecent, really

Petunia would like to remind all of her friends that it's incredibly important to keep up on your stretches, so you will be limber and ready at the first sign of a small animal running by. She said you can thank her later.

Also nap time is very serious business that should never be compromised due to such absurd concepts as walkies, drives, or "days off" - if it is between the hours of 8-4, Toodles McDoodles is off the clock and recharging for her next adventure.

While being a sad sack about my ancient Lovecraftian monstrosity of a childhood cat being sent off to the shrieking mouse Hell that is feline Valhalla, Petoodles understood the required treatment for such sorrow

A mothafuckin POOL PARTY BITCH

She also met up with her two best friends at the parky-park: Arthur, who is a tiny beagle, and Bridgette, who is a gangly tall girl. They are all the same age and at the same point of adolescent stupidity that makes them function with the same precision as a hive mind.

Except Arthur and Bridgey know that it is not pool season anymore, so they waited (alarmingly patiently) for Toodles to have her moment in the water bowl before coaxing her back to a raucous game of 'Who Can Make Belvedere The Antique Shih Tzu Angriest'

The winner was everyone except Belvedere who wants these fucking kids to stop pretending to touch his butt just to see how fast he can spin around and roar at them like a 200lb mastiff late on his rent

feeling blessed 💅 😘

her elevator music has been especially powerful of late

I wake up in the night and I can hear it

a sort of cool jazz reggae number that wouldn't be out of place in a Bond movie except there's this discordant note of 4th grade recorder that you can't ignore

sometimes there's a faint toy squeaker that echoes across the vast expanse of empty fields where other dogs would grow their thoughts and feelings

and yet she understands that walks happen at a specific time and now if I am not preparing to depart on a grand adventure when that time arrives Petunia is already on the phone with the SPCA and the police

I need to edit this picture into a 90s style portrait

she knows that it is a felony offense to pull on the leash but there is no specific crime sgainst the partaking of a stationary boot scootin" boogie.

As the target approaches, Petunia transcends her form and becomes some kind of liquidish amorphous dog-thing

just wiggling in ways that you've never seen a wiggle be waggled

at this point the target is all but doomed. There's been too much awkward eye contact. The fluff has been singing its siren song. She is potentially wriggling in and out of fourteen different dimensions.

they are obligated to stop, gasp, cuddle, and move along feeling oddly like a debt was paid.

anyway that's why we don't walk at busy hours

my dog's too much of a hustler

like what's even the point

why even go for a walky walk

if u don't piss in the river

the stream flows in u

it's called urine

as in

it urines to rejoin the rest of the ocean

she saw a labrador that didn't even dip his toe beans despite having plenty of leash to do so

it was goddamn disgusting

disgraceful even

this is what her tax dollars go into?

labs who don't even do a little paddle?

toody can't believe this is the state of our world

Listen I know we all agreed on more Hound posts but this cretin still needs to be mocked regularly for the good of mankind

Toodles was very excited to hear her name, and it only made her poop faster. She even did a lil boot scootin boogie to get the last dingleberries off before entering what can only be described as a form of warp speed.

sometimes I call her lil vinny BC she goes hella fast just like her idol, vin diesel, as seen in several movies about being fast AND angery

two things Toody knows v well thanks to her need for speed and The Hound's need for a goddamn drink