I thought wanting a child would be beautiful

[u/calathea1]

...yet I've never been this miserable since we started trying for a baby.

A year and a half ago, my partner and I decided to embark on the journey of trying for a baby. I was 36, late to my taste, but I'm glad I waited for this man 'cause I love him to pieces and he truly is the best person I could imagine having children with.
Since then, however, this journey which I thought would be wonderful has brought us nothing but pain.

For starters, it took us a long time to conceive naturally - almost a year. At 36 (now 37), that felt like an eternity. Finally, in February of this year, it happened!
We learned we were expecting di-di twins. I was absolutely thrilled by the news; I thought it was wonderful. I loved them instantly, talked to them, and imagined our future as a family of four. It was pure happiness.

Then, at nine weeks, the midwife told me during a check-up ultrasound: "I’m sorry, the pregnancy has stopped." MMC for both of them.
I was devastated. A trip to the ER and a D&C on April 1st followed.
For a month, I was a shadow of my former self. I tried to make sense of it all. I cried every night. My partner was an angel, such a rock for me. Amidst my grief, I realized how incredibly lucky I was to have him by my side.

By the end of May, I slowly began to come back to life. We went on a trip, made new plans, and I felt like myself again, lighter and more cheerful. I took a lot of supplements to prepare the next pregnancy but was determined not to make this project the only goal in my life.

At the end of June, I got pregnant again.
At the first ultrasound, the midwife told us the baby was well-positioned, the dating was correct, and there was a heartbeat. She agreed to see me every two weeks to ease my mind, given my prior experience and loss.
At the second ultrasound two weeks later, she realized and gently told us : "I couldn't see it before, but there are two. And it’s a mo-di pregnancy this time."
I completely panicked. I told myself I was going to go through the same thing as my first pregnancy - that I’d lose them, that things wouldn't go well. I cried a lot. My partner was as distraught as I was with the news.

But little by little, thanks to the words and support of those around us, we came to terms with the idea of ​​twins again. To keep myself grounded, I reminded myself that this pregnancy wasn't the same as the last one. I tried to believe, to stay positive, to tell myself this was a second chance - two rainbow babies for the two I had lost. But I was very cautious.

Then came the third ultrasound last Friday. I was 10 weeks along (now 11).
The midwife told us Twin A was doing very well.
But Twin B... had acrania. He wouldn't survive. Yet his little heart was still beating for the moment.
Tears, again. So many tears. I just withdrew completely.

Since that I keep spiralling.
Why do we have to suffer so much??

What lesson are we supposed to learn from this? 

When everyone around us (my sister included) has had two or three perfectly healthy children, without any trouble?
This emotional rollercoaster over the last five months is slowly killing me: you’re having two babies - no, actually zero... You’re having one - oh wait, two - no, actually just one... Nature is so cruel.
I feel myself gradually sinking into a dark spiral, accompanied by a real sense of persecution. We wanted to announce the pregnancy to my in-laws this weekend, and all I can think is that, once again, joy is off-limits to us. It’s being stolen from us. Because the announcement will be immediately followed by, "But there is some bad news..."

I do know, though, that I am and should consider myself really lucky that twin A is fine (for now). And I truly hope this baby grows and is healthy enough to meet us. But I feel like I cannot let myself love this baby yet which is so sad.

We have an appointment at the hospital next week to determine the next steps. It will be the first-trimester scan for Twin A, and for Twin B... I don't know. The hospital will likely suggest terminating the pregnancy for Twin B without touching Twin A, if that's even possible.

What a miserable life. I feel so weak.

Dinner is rice, spinach, sardines and grated carrots

***EDIT*** I can't begin to explain how deeply your answers touched me, lifted my spirits, and gave me new perspectives on the matter ❤️ I didn't expect the post to blow up the way it did, but I am SO incredibly grateful for all your replies and your stories you cared to share with this community. For anyone else going through the same thing, I’d like to share a few resources mentioned in the comments:

- The poem "Welcome to Holland"

- The podcast "Everything Happens"

- A journal called "Miscarriage Grief Journal" by Rachel C. Floyd

- The subreddits r/CautiousBB, r/miscarriage, r/pregnancyafterloss, and r/tfmr_support

I’ll give you an update after our appointment next week. Thank you all for rooting for Baby A, you are all amazing. Hoping with all our hearts that this baby holds on tight ❤️

[u/emtlspprtsdpc]

Your grief is valid, for everything you've gone through and are still going through. Please be kind to yourself. I'm so sorry this has been so hard for you. Therapy was a HUGE help to me when I was pregnant, if it's feasible for you I think it could help too. I'm sending you so so so much love.

[u/DeskFan203 → u/[deleted]]

Word.

OP, I hope you are being kind to yourself and leaning on those who love you

[u/AdagioSpecific2603 → u/[deleted]]

This is so true, it’s a very common ptsd survival mechanism too. I had these issues with my second child and delivery.

[u/WestCoastBestCoast01 → u/[deleted]]

OP said it herself, nature is cruel. But that’s not even really the case, nature is indifferent.

[u/roxictoxy → u/WestCoastBestCoast01]

Cruelty is a human construct, just the same as justice, evil, goodness. I think indifference can be cruelty too. Not disagreeing with you. Just waxing poetic

[u/Natti07 → u/[deleted]]

Yep pretty much. Usually the reason is that there is no reason. It just is.

[u/foobaby1992 → u/[deleted]]

So very true. I work in a children’s hospital and I float to 12 different units. I see kids and infants going through the most unfair health issues and the poor parents who would do anything to take their pain away. On my way home I’m often the crazy person you spot in traffic crying their eyes out behind the wheel. I see so many random bad things happen to innocent kids and parents that I now detest religious people who use the phrase “god has a plan”.

[u/AdagioSpecific2603 → u/foobaby1992]

When my child nearly died and was diagnosed with a life changing medical diagnosis as a newborn this phrase was the most cutting and hurtful. There was no lesson we needed to learn from this.
It felt like a huge fuck you being told this by people with healthy babies, very much it’s god’s plans for our children to be healthy and yours to not be. It caused me to grow away from church and religion, and to realize that humans above all else should feel a duty to be kind and supportive to others going through a hard and traumatizing time.
Weaponizing religion to dismiss and minimize others pain is not treating others with love and kindness.

[u/conspicuousmatchcut → u/[deleted]]

Exactly what I was thinking. There’s no reason to look for in this. It’s just so sad and surviving the stress and grief is a big enough job without looking for a lesson. I went to a therapist when o was pregnant too. For some reason the hormones just crushed me with depression. Just one of those things. It’s not fair and I hope OP and her family find peace ❤️

[u/Electronic-Mine1724 → u/emtlspprtsdpc]

As someone who had a miscarriage followed by a now full term pregnancy, therapy was so important especially when dealing with feelings of grief during a healthy pregnancy and helped me get into a mental space where 1) I started to feel like myself again and 2) I could actually enjoy and celebrate my pregnancy. Those feelings of paranoia and anxiety still seep in occasionally but now I have the skills to work through those feelings which I think would be so beneficial to OP.

[u/infinitesoupbowls]

The "lesson" you learn is that life is precious and unpredictable, at all stages. Whether you are in the womb, or 37 years old and growing a family.

OP, there is nothing wrong with you and no lessons to carry and no "fix". Your timeline is also different from everybody else's, so please dont put any undue pressure on yourself. I know this is difficult, but look at all of the love you are pouring into this and the love being poured into you. You and your family surrounding you at this time will hold this grief with you. I am so sorry that it is not easy. Sending love.

[u/sittinwithkitten → u/infinitesoupbowls]

It’s so true! A friend and I were just talking about this yesterday. Bad things happen to good people all the time and seemingly out of no where. Nothing to be learned from it other than life is so precious but also precarious.

[u/infinitesoupbowls → u/sittinwithkitten]

Accepting that bad things happen to good people is the hardest and most painful pill to swallow, imo. I think that one is still stuck in my throat.

[u/velveteen311 → u/infinitesoupbowls]

This. Life is so fragile and we often forget until co fronted with it. I’m lucky to have two healthy kids (albeit with some losses in between) and am so grateful. Just last week a little boy in my son’s preschool class died in a car crash and his mom is in critical condition. Our whole community is gathering to support his family the best we can and I can’t stop thinking about it. Life is so precious… young children seem so safe from all the world’s problems most of the time and yet anything could happen to them at any age :(

[u/FarSearch77 → u/[deleted]]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Nothing about this is fair, and I don't think you're being weak at all. You're carrying hope and grief at the same time.

[u/frogsgoribbit737 → u/[deleted]]

Yes. I want to add that often the second loss is harder than the first. Ive lost 3 babies and it all comes in waves. My first one was all the way back in 2016 and to this day I still find myself grieving what I lost even though its been a decade and I have 2 lovely healthy children.

It will start as mostly bad days, but eventually you learn to live with it and instead it will come to you in small random moments but it will still hurt for a long long time to come.

[u/Transition-Upper]

Rooting for Twin A!

Im very sorry you are going through this, I suffered so much because of infertility (3 complete failed rounds of ivf) and then miscarriage conceived naturally and then I had my baby naturally then testing scare, amnio scare. I cried daily but my baby is my joy now.

Joy is coming to you! Rooting for baby A!!!

[u/Onja_ → u/Transition-Upper]

Oh my goodness that sounds so stressful. I’ve been lucky to have a healthy pregnancy and I’m still a mess sometimes mentally. You are very strong.

[u/SnooApples9352]

I miscarried my first pregnancy and my husband and I felt like we got hit by a train right there in that doctor's office. That's the only way I can think to describe it. One second we were excited for the first ultrasound, the next, everything was gone.

The only thing that helped was that I told people. I told everyone at work when they asked how the doctors appointment went and every single person had either miscarried themselves, their wife had miscarried, or someone they knew well. I was taken aback by the stories and the empathy people had for me, and my husband had the same experience at his work, too. I couldn't believe how many people around me had gone through such hell and I had no idea. The way all those people would check in with me and talk about it was what got me through, so if you can, tell people. Lean on people around you and let them help with things when they offer.

I'm so sorry you're going through it. I wish I could give you a big hug. It's a heartbreaking club to be a part of. But the people in it have so much love for you and your husband 🩷 I'm not the traditional praying type, but I'll be thinking about you and your husband and your sweet little babies and sending love and hope your way 🩷

[u/Practical-Yellow3197]

As someone with a somewhat similar story for the last year, you needed to start therapy 4 months ago. Do it immediately.

[u/nkdeck07 → u/Practical-Yellow3197]

Agreed, there's specific therapists that handle pre and post partum issues (my doula referred me to one when I was dealing with my eldest getting diagnosed with a pretty major chronic illness when I was 37 weeks along with my youngest).

[u/Ramenpucci → u/Practical-Yellow3197]

It isn’t too late to start therapy. Everyone’s different.

[u/Muchado_aboutnothing]

I am just so incredibly sorry. I am pregnant right now too, almost 10 weeks. I have also had a long journey to my current pregnancy (multiple failed IVF transfers, a ruptured ectopic pregnancy), and my anxiety is so high that it is difficult to enjoy the pregnancy at all. I think anyone who has gone through what you have gone through would feel the same way, and losing two babies at once (and now losing one of your twins in this pregnancy) is a grief no one should have to go through. I’m sending you love and good thoughts and hope that everything will be okay with baby A and you will be able to meet them. But gosh, I agree with you — the process of trying to have a baby can be so heartbreaking and miserable. Hopefully it will all be worth it when we meet our babies soon. 🙏

[u/Transition-Upper → u/Muchado_aboutnothing]

Wishing you a healthy baby from a fellow mom who struggled so much and cried every day in her pregnancy. You will experience so much joy you wouldn't believe it exists

[u/Muchado_aboutnothing → u/Transition-Upper]

Thank you so much for these kind words 🙏❤️

[u/Hellutor]

I had a Baby with acrania too. I know how devastating it is to hear this diagnosis.

There are no words I could say that could ease your pain.

What helped me is knowing that I did everything I could to properly say goodbye to the Baby. At the hospital they informed as what are our options.

Also seeing psychologist and psychiatrist helped a lot.

We chose a name and planted a flower (the name of the flower and my Baby's name are the same). It bloomed this summer.

Ask the doctors what are your choices and make sure you decide what's best for your little ones. Do not let anyone rush you with your decision. Choose what's best for you and both Babies. I don't know if you know, but the diagnosis means the heart beats, but the baby cannot physically feel any pain and it cannot be scared. It is in peace and comfy. It's yours and forever will be whether here or in your memory. Stay strong 🩷

[u/calathea1 → u/Hellutor]

I'm so sorry you had this experience as well. Thank you so much for sharing and for your kind words. What you wrote at the end about the baby not feeling any pain or fear made me cry and comforts me a little. Thank you ❤️

[u/SingingSongbird1]

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I had to TFMR my first pregnancy in January at 24 weeks. We conceived him on our first try.

I’m now 7 months in with no positive test and this has been the worst year of my life. Sending you love and strength in this incredibly difficult journey.

[u/SquareKaleidoscope33 → u/SingingSongbird1]

I’m in a similar boat, my daughter was born alive at 18 weeks, way too early to survive, and we conceived her on the first try. We’re now 8 months from her birth with no positive test and it’s excruciating. I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💕

And to OP, it’s terrible when trying to grow your family doesn’t go the way you planned and everyone else around you is sailing through with no issue. I hear you, your pain is real, the fear is real, and I will hold a small part of your grief with you anytime.

[u/SingingSongbird1 → u/SquareKaleidoscope33]

So sorry for your loss. You’re in my thoughts and I hope we both get our rainbow baby soon.

[u/Careful-Onion-7550]

I'm sorry for your loss and the loss you are once again experiencing.

I never planned on having children, but when I was 35 I got pregnant.  I didn't even know I was and then ended up going to the doctor for just feeling like something was wrong and found out I was pregnant, and although I had mixed feelings overall it felt right.........3 days later I had another test and the HCG had dropped.  They did an ultrasound and found out it was ectopic, my fallopian tube was already ruptured (didn't even feel it happen, even though they said I should have been in a lot of pain),  and I had serious internal bleeding.  I was sent across the street to the hospital for an emergency surgery.  I almost died.

I went to the hospital with my baby and left without it.  They estimated the gestational age to be about 5 weeks.

At 36 I did deliver a wonderful little girl and 19mo later a wonderful little boy.  They are the best thing ever!  But I still think about the baby that was there one day and gone the next, and often get this overwhelming feeling of sadness.  

There is research that shows that every pregnancy leaves the baby's DNA in the mother for life, which is why you still have emotional attachment to babies that were never born.  Those babies you lost are still with you.  This baby will still be with you, too. Mine is still with me.

[u/Blue-flash]

I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through already, and wish you nothing but strength and love for what’s ahead.

In the bleakness of lost pregnancies, there is a sisterhood of experience that will come and wrap around you. It’s a ‘nobody told me’ of a different kind, quiet and empathic, and astonishingly everywhere. Sending you, and everyone else on this thread, love and hope.

[u/nobeefforme]

I am wishing you the very best. I am so, so sorry for your pain. Please come back here and update 🩷💙❤️ sending you lots of love.

[u/babybbbbYT]

After I gave birth I found online support groups really helped me. YMMV. Good luck. Sending you a virtual hug.

[u/oopsydurz]

Pregnancy as a concept is so sanitized, I feel like most women I know have discovered that it is dangerous, emotionally devastating and unpredictable,  but only after they start trying. It's a common experience to go through miscarriages, though that doesn't make it any easier. I'm sorry you're going through this, it will get easier hopefully.

[u/Leninaknowsitall]

You are not alone! I know a few couples with almost the same story. It’s heartbreaking!
A friend of mine had also one twin terminated. She now has a healthy girl. She is heartbroken but also very happy at the same. You will never forget the baby’s you lost. But you will be happy again ❤️

[u/ManageConsequences → u/Leninaknowsitall]

I have a friend who also had this happen. They had to terminate/remove a twin. The remaining twin also needed in utero sugery. Her survival chance was so low, it felt like everyone was just waiting for that poor baby to die; like we were constantly bracing for the news. But that little girl is alive and healthy today!

Recovery is slow especially mental recovery. But you'll get there. 💙💙💙

[u/Upvotes2805]

It is so completely unfair. No one warns us starting a fertility journey about the likelihoods of loss and complications. I had a MMC in 2024. I currently have a 9 month old. I paid out of pocket for ultrasounds every 1-2 weeks because i was so nervous. I also have a family history of late term loss.

It’s terrible. I never ever want to be pregnant again. It was the scariest time in my life.

Try to give yourself grace and feel every feeling you need to feel. I’m here if you want to talk

[u/Odd_Hedgehog669]

Hi. I had a MMC, too. One thing that has helped me is the acceptance that life isn’t cruel. I am not a targeted victim. These things just happen. It is painful and fucking shitty, and hard and scary, and a whirlwind of every emotion at the highest degree. It’s an experience, and one that tests my strength and character. But I’ve learned love and faith through it. My baby’s legacy lives on within me. I wish I could hold her in my arms, but until we meet again, I hold her in my heart, and honor her by being the mother she deserved even though she isn’t here on this side of life

[u/Odd_Hedgehog669 → u/Odd_Hedgehog669]

And I can’t change the fucking flair in this group, so now I’m crying again HAHA but I wish you well, OP. My heart goes out to you and I’m sending nondenominational prayers for your pregnancy and baby and family

[u/MochiAccident]

If it’s any consolation, vanishing twin syndrome is a thing in case you lose twin B. There is a good chance you and twin A will be okay. I’m hoping for the best for you and your family. Please update us when you can!

[u/vomputer]

Sending you so much love and support.

My years spent trying for babies were the hardest of my life. Watching my friends get pregnant and give birth while I was struggling through the grief after a miscarriage truly broke me for a long time.

Pregnancy after a miscarriage is so fraught with a wild mix of hope ace dread. It is a cruel roller coaster.

I hope everything goes well with your pregnancy and beyond.

[u/Viperbunny]

I am so sorry for your losses. When you loss a child like this you also lose all the hopes and dreams you had for that child. It's so hard because you are helpless. You can't control what is happening, but it is your body so you can feel like it's your fault. It is not your fault. Not even a little bit. And any lessons you learn really help later down the road.

I lost my oldest daughter at six days old from trisomy 18. My first OB lied to me and we only found out there was an issue at 26 weeks. She was born three weeks later. It was awful not being able to help her. I couldn't learn anything because it was so much grief. That was 15 years ago.

I learned that I can't control everything. It changes my perspective on what is a big deal and what isn't. There were things that made me cry because I was convinced I was deciding my children's future. Just as an example, my older daughter has a December birthday, so I wasn't sure if I should have her in the 3s or 4s program. I thought it was huge. It all turned out great. You will be anxious, because you know bad things can happen, but you will be so grateful when things are good. Give yourself grace. What you have experienced is hell.

I went on to have two daughters. They are 12 and almost 14 now. My husband's cousin, who is the nicest person, had two late term miscarriages, and is over 30 weeks now. How do we survive it? We just keep going. We keep trying. Cry when you have to. Laugh when you can. It really helps. Having someone to talk to helps. If you don't have anyone who has been through something like this and you want to talk, I am here any time. It's okay to lean on people. It's okay to be uncertain. It's okay to need more reassurance and checks. If you haven't already, I highly recommend therapy. It is what helped me know how to process my emotions. It gave me a place to be a mess once a week. It takes time, and you will always grieve your losses.

One day, this grief won't be the center of the universe. It will be there, but you will also have joy. It's also okay if joyful moments are bittersweet. You will learn what helps you as you go. You don't have it all figured out because it's all new to you. And to learn new things when your are hurting like that is the worst. It's hard to be motivated when it feels like things are so out of control. You will figure out your peace. It takes time. You will make it through this.

[u/ParticularMost6100 → u/Viperbunny]

Your last paragraph is some of the loveliest writing I’ve seen on Reddit, and your message feels so inspiring to me. I hope OP finds it helpful too and wish you both joy and peace.

[u/Viperbunny → u/ParticularMost6100]

Thank you so much. I really hope OP finds some peace. This kind of pain can feel like drowning. When you are in it, it's hard to imagine anything else.

[u/Scary-Cartographer61]

To answer your question directly -

It’s definitely possible to terminate pregnancy for Twin B without touching Twin A, even though they share a placenta. After your ultrasound, you will almost certainly be referred to a maternal-fetal medicine specialist (MFM) who will be able to tell you about your options.

Re: what you should learn -

It sounds like you’ve had some pretty medically complicated pregnancies and that you haven’t yet been seen by a specialist. I think that you should learn that it has been really difficult for you to manage your pregnancies so far and that not every pregnancy is beautiful, easy, etc. etc. And, I think that you should also learn that your doctors have done a great job finding problems and keeping you healthy and safe while you’re figuring this out.

[u/SnowCorgi]

hugs

[u/acertaingestault]

Putting off your joy will not make it hurt less if something bad happens. Feel all your feelings.

There are no inherent lessons. Nature is inevitable and that feels unjust at times. You can't earn a baby, or a miscarriage. Hang in there.

[u/master0jack]

As someone who went through 2 years of recurrent losses before having my rainbow baby, gently, there is no lesson in any of this. I had the same feelings as you: why me? Why do people around me having multiple kids, no miscarriages, everybody healthy, easy conception? Why is this so unfair?

There are no answers. But I will say this: having a living child has healed my heart more than anything. Those thoughts are so far from where I am now, and that hurt that I suffered for years, so many tears, deep depression, anxiety, wondering and not being able to celebrate any of the good parts, either... I hardly think of it anymore. It was so hard and so terrible, but it brought me here, where I was meant to be all along. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and all the healing ❤️ and I am terribly sorry.

[u/18Nikki09]

I don’t really have any words of advice, or anything of any value to offer…
I could just relate and wanted to validate your feelings.

My partner and I have been TTC for 13 years.
We both lost ourselves in that journey. Fed up of seeing everyone else sharing their joy. Pregnancy announcements left right and centre… gender reveals, baby showers, arrival photos.
We were bitter. Angry. Broken. Just lost souls with no other purpose.

And when we finally did conceive, in our naivety all we felt was joy. And yet for the whole week I was peeing on sticks to “make sure” I was still pregnant - I was clueless that the sac was empty. There was never an embryo!

It took almost a year for us to conceive again, and all I’ve felt is a sense of impending doom.
I love him… I know his birthday, I know his name. His nursery is almost complete. I’ve picked outfits and got my announcement ready to scream from the rooftops… I even did my theatre tour today (we’re opting for a c section - mainly because of anxiety too 🙄)

Yet I don’t actually feel truly happy… I’m constantly frightened. Constantly thinking of the what ifs… and I’m scared this will all prevent me from bonding once he’s here. I almost don’t want to love him, in case he’s taken from me if he can’t be earth-side.

Pregnancy related trauma does something that I truly believe is irreparable… no end of counselling or reassuring scans haven’t stopped the invasive thoughts… and now I hate myself for hating this journey.

Please don’t feel weak. What you’ve been through is heartbreaking. But I promise you, you’ll find a way to get through and survive ❤️❤️❤️

[u/the_annihilator2426]

Pregnancy after loss is terrifying. I wish it wasn’t that way but it just is. I would tell myself before every ultrasound “after this ultrasound I will be calm and believe everything is ok”. That calm would last until I left the doctor’s office and then I would be anxious and worried all over again until my next scan.  I feel you, OP. And I wish you nothing but the best during this emotionally brutal time. You’ve got this. 

[u/OkAlbatross7681]

The lesson I learned from my miscarriage was that I am not alone in this. The more I opened up the more I heard the same or a similar story from other women. Also I read about Florence Welch and her ectopic pregnancy and I was at her concert in cologne, pregnant again, and I cried the whole time - it was so healing to see that wonderful strong woman and feel all of that strength and the presence of all of the other women around. Every third pregnant woman experiences this loss. It is so sad and yet so powerful. Connect with other women, it helped me so much and grief as much as you can. I am still grieving as I am typing this in tears with my perfectly healthy newborn son on my chest. Miscarrying was the worst thing I have ever experienced and I will never not be sad about it. You are not alone in this.

[u/Kneadmoredough55]

OP you have my very deepest sympathies. I’m going to say some things I wish someone had said to me. I have lost 6 straight pregnancies and am now pursuing IVF.

There’s not a lesson. You’re not being cosmically or karmically punished. You are not cursed. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this.

You don’t have to make lemonade out of lemons, but you do have to get up every day and keep going, and you get to decide which emotions are going to fuel that. Sometimes therapy will help you and sometimes it’s just going to piss you off. Your grief is valid. Your anger is justified. There are times when you will feel jealous of your friends’ easy pregnancies and that’s a gross emotion and you’ll have to learn how to navigate it. You will be ok. People are going to say things out of love and it will land sideways at best. You can tell them if they’re being insensitive. The ones worth having in your life will adjust to what you need. You will be ok. You’ve survived 100% of your worst days so far.

Sending you all the love. ❤️

[u/General-Party1964]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, dear. There's no lesson to be learned. The universe is not conspiring against you to make you suffer for a magical realization at the end. That would be so cruel, wouldn't it?

Have you gone to therapy? It's not going to be a magical fix to it all, but maybe it can help you deal with the grief? Of both the last pregnancy and this one. I genuinely can't imagine the pain and grief you're going through! But maybe a good therapist can help you cope and voice your thoughts better so you are not so overwhelmed

I'm sending you so many hugs and good luck your way. I hope you allow yourself to put hope into this pregnancy and that everything goes well. I'm rooting for your baby <3

[u/JustAHippy]

I’m so sorry. I had a MMC in May, found out I was pregnant in March, after a chemical pregnancy the cycle before. It’s absolutely gut wrenching to learn this baby inside you has passed. You are so right on the instant and intense love you feel. I can’t imagine how you are feeling about your current loss on top of that. I would recommend joining r/miscarriage if you haven’t. This group was very validating for me during my loss. Thinking of you ❤️

[u/irish_ninja_wte]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this rollercoaster. Please request to have a high risk specialist (whatever they're called in your country) look at your next ultrasound. Fingers crossed that the midwife was incorrect on her diagnosis. From my own experience, things can be difficult to fully see at that point and for mo/di twins you definitely need an expert to look at it. Midwifes are absolutely wonderful, but they don't see complicated cases like multiples on a daily basis, so may have it wrong, especially at this early stage. I have mo/di twins myself and at my first ultrasound (12 weeks), they looked conjoined at the top of the head. The midwife couldn't tell if there was a membrane, so had to bring in the sonographer for a second opinion. The sonographer pointed out the membrane as soon as she came into the room and did additional measurements.

[u/FunkySphinx]

I am really sorry. Maybe it will help not to think of these experiences as lessons but as events that happened and don't necessarily make sense. Letting go of your desire to control the situation may help with grief. I hope all goes well with Twin A and you get to hold the baby in your arms soon.

[u/dawnstar_001]

I'm so sorry for your losses. As someone who lost my daughter to stillbirth, I wanted to make you aware of Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support. They have online support resources, as well as a list of chapters by state.

[u/potatonoise]

God I hear everything you're saying and it's so valid. I have had 5 pregnancies and only one has been successful. I had 1 MMC discovered at 10 weeks, 2 chemical/early losses, and a blighted ovum. So many ups and downs. Out of all the losses, I think the MMC hit the hardest. Maybe it's because it was my first pregnancy, maybe it was because of the shock, idk. But I was not okay for a good long while. I am currently nursing my 3 month old son and I am so beyond grateful he is here, so obsessed and in love with him. However, I was a wreck during my whole pregnancy. Every ultrasound, every doctor visit, every kick count I anticipated the worst. I thought "I just want him to get here, then my anxiety will go away!" - spoiler alert, it did not go away. Everyday I over analyze every single thing because I am so worried he will be taken from me. Yes, I'm aware this is PP OCD and yes, I am currently being treated for it. Unsolicited advice, if it is reasonable for you to set up therapy for this pregnancy and post partum period. I would do it, even if your think you're okay without it. So much joy gets taken from you when you have recurrent losses, I would hate for another mother to have joy zapped from the newborn days because of deep grief. I feel like I waited too long to admit that I needed help and I hate that I can never get back those days I lost to sheer panic.

All this to say I am so sorry, and I know those words do nothing to actually ease any of this anger and pain. After my first loss a very dear friend went and bought a ton of ice from the store and we threw it at the side of an abandoned movie theater while I scream and cried. It didn't solve anything, but it felt really good to have an outlet for my anger.

I'm sending you a lot of love and comfort.

[u/sosointheco]

I’ve been through multiple miscarriages and also very close together. I felt like my body was failing. It took so long to get pregnant with my first, now older, I wondered if it would ever happen. I found out I had two fibroids likely causing my miscarriages. I scheduled a d&c to remove them. Had a gut feeling about taking a pregnancy test and lo and behold I was pregnant again. He implanted right between my fibroids. I was traumatized and expected this pregnancy to also end. But someone told me, when a baby sticks, they stick. And it was true in our case. He stuck it out and grew into a healthy baby boy.

I’m sending you so much love as you go through this. I’m preying twin a sticks and you can cuddle that baby earth side.

[u/Short-Ad-3934]

Miscarriage isn’t something I want my worst enemy to go through. It’s heartbreaking and awful. Years later i feel the loss.

I wish I could give you a big hug. After my miscarriage, I had anxiety for both my babies the entire pregnancies.

Both my babies are rainbow babies, and my second is a double rainbow.

I want to say first, YOU are doing NOTHING wrong. It is NOT YOUR fault. That has always been a harder pill to swallow for me. Even 6 years later.

I just want to hold your hand and let you feel all the emotions that are coming to you in this moment. 💙💙

[u/birdnerd1991]

I'm so sorry- it really is one of those things profoundly beautiful and horrible about being a mother.

We've been trying for two years with no luck- and I just got my period ten days early yesterday, which means another failed round.

It always makes me ask 'what is wrong with me, that I'm such a failure I can't even bring a baby to life?' but the doctors say me and my husband are perfectly normal, just older.

I hope that with all the grief life is giving you now, it'll balance it out with decades of happiness after this. Take care of yourself as best you can ❤️

[u/olivedeez]

It’s crazy how pregnancy is a roll of the dice every time. If you don’t have the exact right combination, pregnancy doesn’t progress past a certain point. You can do everything right and it does not matter. I also had a missed miscarriage and it was so devastating.

[u/Terra-Perspective]

I am so sorry for your losses. I pray you will have a healthy living baby. My son passed away right at birth last year. I do not think I will ever recover, but it does get better. Hang in there💛

[u/gracelesswonder]

You have done nothing wrong. You are valid. You are not alone. Just keep swimming, babe. Lots of love ❤️

[u/OzQuandry]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've experienced infertility and pregnancy loss and it's hard. Infertility was the hardest thing I've ever gone through, in fact. I really hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well for you, and I'm so sorry about the twin who won't make it.

I wouldn't be so sure that everyone around you is having such an easy time though. Almost every woman in my friend group either took a long time to conceive, did IVF or has had miscarriages. They just don't always talk about it.

[u/Complex_Activity1990]

There isn’t a lesson. I wish life were that black and white but sometimes it’s just shit brown. I’m so sorry ❤️

[u/Aggravating-Glass145]

https://giphy.com/gifs/EvYHHSntaIl5m
Oh my friend. I am so so sorry. All of your feelings are so valid and I wish I had the answers but I do not. If nothing else you have learned just how strong you are and that life is precious and fragile. Know that you remain in my thoughts and prayers and are surrounded virtually with as much love as we can send. May you find peace ❤️

[u/Informal_Cress2654]

why must there be a lesson? this is just biology, nature is chaotic. it’s our expectations that need to change. when you try to reproduce literally anything can happen

[u/RiseFriendly9536]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine losing multiple babies at once. I got divorced in my mid 30’s from a horrible man, and found someone so wonderful a year later. We’re now engaged but decided to start trying for a baby due to our age, I’m now 39 and he’s 40.

We were so excited when we were successful and got pregnant earlier this year. We shared the news with many close friends and family. My brother and SIL had just told us they were pregnant with their first child a few weeks earlier. We were going to have cousins close in age. The 6 week ultrasound was great, baby measured perfectly and had a strong heartbeat. Went back a week and a half later to hear baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks and lost the heartbeat. I ended up needing a d&c just days before Mother’s Day. My fiancé and I were both devastated, and he was so kind and supportive and said all the right things. I cried into his arms many nights.

Telling everyone we lost the baby was so hard. But I found out by sharing the news that there were so many women in my life who had also lost babies. We hadn’t known this before. My fiancés sister has 4 beautiful children, and she told me that her and her husband had apparently also lost 3 early pregnancies. Many people don’t share that part of their pregnancy journey, ever. Or they only do once you also join the club.

We’re pregnant again now, I’m only 5 weeks and a couple of days, and I’m having trouble being excited. My ob wouldn’t schedule me until 8 weeks this time, and I’m so anxious waiting for that first appointment. My fiancé and I don’t want to tell anyone this time.

I did get this mantra from another post, and I saved it as a note on my phone that I can read anytime -

1. ⁠Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.
   
2. ⁠I am pregnant with a healthy, growing baby until I am told otherwise.
   
3. ⁠My past is not my future, and previous losses do not mean I will have future losses.
   
4. ⁠Just because someone else is having a loss doesn’t mean that I will. Miscarriage and loss are not contagious, but fear can be.
   
5. ⁠Hope does not make bad things happen. I cannot jinx my pregnancy by getting my hopes up or telling someone about it.
   
6. ⁠There is nothing I can change with worry. Worrying about what’s not in my hands does not prevent it from happening. And if it happens again- God forbid- I know I can survive.

[u/Sad_March_1015]

"joy is off limits to us"  This is an EXTREMELY common feeling. Trust me, miscarriage hurts like hell for way longer than anyone thinks. You're not weak.  I'm over 9 months after mine and I was crying last night, vividly remember the 9 week ultrasound where we found out.  Watching everyone around us get pregnant on their first try and bring home healthy babies puts us entirely different universes. They say things like, "at least I'm going to get a baby for all this morning sickness"  What I wouldn't give to be that naive again.  I felt very bullied/persecuted after my second loss too. Everything, literally everything you're saying is so normal. 

[u/elecow]

I'm so sorry, OP. I hope the other baby survives and y'all thrive as a family. I've been trying for two years, spending so much money on IVF just to see my first pregnancy end by MMC. While the rest of the world just get to keep their babies and mind their business. Life is so strange, but we have to keep going ❤️

[u/Temporary_Tax_8353]

My lone twin A turns two at the end of the month, and I promise the journey is tearful but worth it.

[u/littlelailangelove]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your feelings are valid, it’s not fair. I felt the same and often asked why having a healthy living child is so easy for most and so hard for others. I lost my first pregnancy, my daughter, at 21 weeks due to the same condition, acrania/anencephaly. Second pregnancy a mmc at 9 weeks and finally a healthy daughter my third pregnancy. It’s a unique pain pregnancy loss, and a whole added layer when something is wrong with the baby. It’s truly not your fault, unfortunately these things happen they’re just never talked about. There are helpful subs on here, babyloss, tfmr (if that’s the route you go ❤️‍🩹) also pregnancyafterloss. My heart goes out to you and for a uneventful, safe, and healthy continued pregnancy ♥️

[u/Jehphg]

Your grief is valid, but... comparison is the killer of joy, don't go down that spiralling deep end of thinking the universe is against you. Sometimes bad things happen, and more than that bad things happen a lot, to a lot of people (this is not to make light of your pain I have a point), it's just we simply don't talk about it enough, so many mothers and mothers to be think their experience is rare or unique, and it's so much more common than people think, exactly because people attach silly judgements to it, so not enough women talk about what happens/happened to them. You're gonna get through this.

[u/chaosturtle247]

Everything you say is so valid. Don’t feel guilty for feeling resentment and fear and “why me”. It doesn’t make you a bad person to have perfectly legitimate emotions. I’m in the same boat as you. The amount of times I’ve been told the miscarriage doesn’t really count because it was so so early makes me homicidal. How can you not feel something strong when some people literally just get drunk and fall pregnant? Others force kids or have band aid babies. And then there’s women like us who did everything by the dammed book to be good and not force kids into rocky relationships or bad timing and we get….whatever the hell this is. You’re not weak for feeling what you’re feeling and even if those immediately close to you don’t get it, I promise you there’s others of us who have all the support and understanding for your situation. Rage. Feel the fear. Resent. Worry. Feel joy. Fuckit feel whatever you damned well please. You do what feels right to you because at the end of the day, only you have to live with your head and your heart and when you’ve made peace with it or found a way to block it out (which is actually a perfectly reasonable option. Not everything needs to be thrashed to death on a therapists couch) you’ll be able to move forward and feel….mildly less contempt for the situation if not better about it completely

[u/EmbarrassedRN]

I’m so sorry. It’s such a mindfuck when you go through it and you realize how difficult all of it actually is. I celebrated and enjoyed my pregnancy after loss and a long road to conceive, but I also felt like I was holding my breath the whole time waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m sorry that you have to hold this grief and joy simultaneously. Hoping you give yourself grace and space to feel all the things (magnified, because thanks pregnancy hormones!) and that you know the joy of holding your baby in your arms at the end of this.

[u/SlowYourRollBro]

I’m so, so sorry. Sending all the love possible through the internet. 

[u/emz272]

This is so hard. It makes sense you are trying to protect your heart, and I'm glad you have a great spouse to navigate this with. I'll be pulling hard for Baby A.

[u/Maelwenn81115]

I wish the very best. Pregnancy after a miscarriage is tough and your journey was even more difficult. I'm sorry I don't have any word to help heal. Hope everything will be OK for twin A. Wishing you the best of luck.

[u/DeskFan203]

I am sure a million people have similar stories about 1 twin not surviving but here is another. Colleague's daughter got pregnant first attempt and was twins. 1 baby didnt make it past a few weeks. (No interventions were needed) The other is a healthy and beautiful 5 month old little boy. Hang in there.

[u/anonnymouse2025]

Definitely get therapy. I wish I'd done that during my 12 year infertility journey. Noone prepares you for the hell that it is to see everyone else get your dream effortlessly and the harm it does to your self-worth

[u/Terrible_Tea9477]

God bless you and your baby and your man. Sending prayers for a healthy and thriving pregnancy and birth!

[u/Medium-Ticket-9574]

I am so sorry.

[u/GimonNdSarfunkel]

I'm sorry about your journey thus far. I'm in a similar boat with 3 losses and no living children, 2 years into TTC. I know a lot of comments are recommending therapy, and yes I have gone to therapy, however it only helped to an extent. What really has been helping me is physical movement, planning vacations and things I enjoy, and radical acceptance. I hope things get better for you. Hugs internet stranger.

[u/Flashy-Scientist1564]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Waiting for our first child was the hardest thing in my life so far. It was this weird mix of uncertainty, desperation, and joy. I will also hope for you that you get to meet Twin A, and also watch them grow up healthy and happy into a wonderful adult.

If you need to talk about it, I am happy to be an ear, and I'm happy to share more of my experience if you're interested.

[u/EcstaticProfessor598]

WOW I'm so sorry for what you've been through 💔💔

[u/Mysterious-Sell-1331]

My heart is breaking for you. I’m sure you were so cautiously hopeful when you found out you were pregnant again, especially with twins. This journey can be so incredibly isolating, but please know you are not alone. We struggled for a year to get pregnant, and right when we were about to start fertility treatments, we conceived spontaneously. I really thought that was the redemption we had been hoping for, and then we found out that the pregnancy was heterotopic (one baby in the uterus, one in the fallopian tube). I had emergency surgery to remove the tube, and miraculously, I am 25 weeks pregnant with the remaining baby. We’re so thankful, but we also feel robbed of a lot of joy. We will always wonder who our ectopic baby would have been, and we feel guilty that they didn’t get a chance at life. We also didn’t get to announce the pregnancy, which I really struggled with. It’s so hard. There is no blueprint for how you’re supposed to feel. Hugs hugs hugs.

[u/V_Mrs_R43]

You are not alone. The journey to a family is frought with hardships you don’t anticipate. You become stronger as you deal with each challenge, one by one. There are beautiful moments - joy, happiness, delight - but also they are paired with pain, discomfort and suffering. This is the way for almost everyone. Some people experience less suffering. It’s is not fair and there is no discernible reason. You are not at fault. Take care of you and your husband and I’m so sorry for your losses.

[u/DearestClementine]

I’m so incredibly sorry this journey has been so difficult OP. My husband and I have been trying for a year and I’ve had one miscarriage in that time. It does feel cruel when so many people around us are getting pregnant by accident or on the first try and having perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies. It made me realize that an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth that result in a healthy child are absolutely a miracle. I don’t have much advice as I’m struggling myself but I’m sending lots of love and positive energy your way for this current pregnancy 💜 I don’t know if it helps at all, but one thing that comforts me is knowing this struggle is making me a more compassionate person.

[u/leisa2100]

Ooh I’m so sorry, my heart breaks for you and your husband. I pray everything turns out for the best. Sending you love and prayers for you to have a healthy pregnancy.🙏🏻

[u/LividRole2954]

I’m so sorry you’ve faced so much loss while trying to become a parent. While it becomes harder to have a complication-free pregnancy as you get older, some folks definitely have it much harder than others. The reasons are complicated and vary from individual to individual, but regardless of the reason, it’s unfair and often heartbreaking. I don’t think there’s a lesson in it or that there has to be. Some things are just shitty.

I hope Twin A remains healthy, that you get to meet them, and that you finally get to experience the joy you’ve been anticipating.

[u/Crafty_Engineer_]

I’m so sorry for your losses. It really really sucks that trying for a baby is often a very difficult and emotionally tumultuous experience. Please don’t worry about how you “should” feel with baby A right now. Baby A doesn’t need you to feel any certain way right now. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.

[u/hufflepuff100149]

I am so sorry this is happening to you and I understand how you feel. When my husband and I decided to have a baby, we thought it would be easy where you just get pregnant and have a baby, right? Our first baby was born with cancer and died at 4 months old, after that we decided to try again and had a miscarriage. We finally have two healthy babies but had 3 other miscarriages. It was terrible. So I’m sorry you are experiencing this as well, it’s not talked about enough. You will have your beautiful family one day and will also never forget your losses, that will shape you as a mother. Hang in there. ❤️

[u/Dizzy_Mistake9313]

Im so sorry for your loss. Pregnancy for me meant 4 years of treatments, surgeries and miscarriages before finally having a child earth side. It was not fun and towards the end of my pregnancy it was hard to feel excited because I was riddled with fear. Therapy helped a lot. If you are in the US, please try and seek therapy from a perinatal mental health therapist. 🤍

[u/thermalcat]

Not every event needs to be a lesson learned in the moment.

You can have all the feelings about this. Grief, sorrow, joy, elation. Modern medicine has given us a lot more data to understand, especially around pregnancy. Even my parents' generation wouldn't have always known about every twin conception. Its hard to deal with the rollercoaster that is TTC through to getting a child to age 5. A lot can happen.

Don't rob yourself of joy by looking at your siblings with healthy children and thinking it won't be for you. Right now you have a healthy baby on the way. Twin b in times gone by you might not have known about.

[u/throwRAanons]

I am so sorry. I had an MMC at 10 weeks for my first pregnancy. It was traumatic. My second pregnancy, I had a vanishing twin. But my remaining baby grew strong and he is the light of my life now that he’s here. You are the mama to each one of your babies and they knew nothing but your love. I’m saying a prayer for all of you 🫂

[u/Square-Antelope613]

Sending you so much love, support and positivity. You will get through this but I know just how hard this is and will be. Lean into your hubby and support system and let the emotions come as they may. My heart is with you and yours ❤️

[u/Zennabug]

I am so, so sorry.

I have two children but I lost 3 pregnancies in between them and it broke me each time. My first pregnancy had been really medically complex as well, so by the time I got pregnant with my youngest, I was a wreck and spent the whole time worrying that it would go wrong again. Pregnancy after loss HARD and I can only imagine how complicated and difficult it must be to navigate carrying one healthy child and one that you will have to say goodbye to. If you can find a grief therapist with experience in miscarriage and child loss, maybe they can help?

[u/Overall_Ad2915]

It took my husband and I almost five years before I got pregnant. Eventually I completely gave up. About four months later I was pregnant. I had my baby one month before my 35th birthday.

For those of us who go through loss, who struggle to get pregnant, or get pregnant later in life, the journey is not carefree. There is fear of loss, fear of time running out. I was a nervous wreck my entire pregnancy. I shared every bit of joyful news with trepidation. We don’t get to be like the 20-year-olds getting pregnant for the first time. But with that caution also comes wisdom, maturity, and patience.

You are not being punished, you did nothing wrong. This is just your experience in the endless sea of human experiences. I did my best to find the things that brought me joy, if even briefly, and just let the ride drag me along. It’s the most emotionally taxing thing I have ever gone through, and the relief I felt when I saw my healthy baby was euphoric. This moment in time is brief even though it does not seem like it now. You are not alone.

[u/roseorrueorlaurel]

Sending love for you OP! Try to channel positive energy the best you can to celebrate that Twin A is okay. It’s hard to grieve and be carrying at the same time, but you will make it through! ❤️

[u/sewingpedals]

Pregnancy after loss is a real mindfuck and I’m so sorry for all you’re going through. I’ve had three losses, and I had a hard time connecting to my daughter when I was pregnant with her after two consecutive losses. My whole experience of pregnancy was fear-based. I was stressed and panicked until I could regularly feel her move. I have a lot of friends I found through Reddit who have gone through similar hard journeys to their families, but thankfully many of us now have two or three healthy children even after long stretches of infertility and loss. I hope that’s your story too. My DMs are open if you ever want to chat.

[u/No-Morning-4524]

I’m so sorry OP. Thinking of you. I’ve been on a 3+ journey of infertility with my partner and am 32F. I thought this journey would be rainbows and butterflies but it has been heartache and tears. I have had a similar roller coaster of a journey and I have no words to offer because I know nothing can make the grief and pain easier. Just know that it’s okay to feel hopeful while guarded at the same time.

[u/Whats-in-a-name__]

Give yourself time. It's absolutely a huge emotional rollercoaster. I've 100% been where you're at. My spouse and I tried for 3 yrs before getting pregnant, and then a veeery early miscarriage. We started trying again soon after but it was probably a year before I started to feel like myself again. Tried for 2 more years, nothing, tried IVF. Got pregnant on the first round and let me just say, that feeling of bracing for the worst stuck with me for most of the pregnancy. We delivered a healthy baby boy and couldn't be more thrilled. I still worry about something happening to him but more like a nagging thought. I think I'll have that the rest of my life. Here's what genuinely helped me:

• I gave my initial miscarried baby a name. I only ever told my husband but it really meant something to me. 
• When we started IVF, I set specific limits of what I was willing to go through. X-many cycles or X-many miscarriages. Knowing that I had designated points to get off the emotional rollercoaster meant everything to me. 
• I have lots of nieces and nephews. I took extra time to spoil them and be a kick-ass aunt. 
• I made a back-up plan of what our life would look like with just my spouse and I. I think we would have always been somewhat sad to be childfree but tbh that life would have still been a great one where we had each other. 
• As terrible as it may sound, once we got further along in the IVF pregnancy, I would tell myself even if we lost the pregnancy, at least I'd have something to hold, even briefly (did not the first time). 

I hope some of this helps. Infertility is incredibly hard, physically, mentally, and emotionally. The jealous feeling is normal. Just remind yourself that you're happy they were able to have kids, you're just sad to be missing out yourself. I hope you are able to find peace and happiness no matter what happens. 

[u/numberwunwun]

I am so sorry you're going through this. Seconding everyone who has suggested speaking to someone. I had pregnancy losses due to undiagnosed hypothyroidism, and while we were figuring it out it felt like all of the joy was being robbed of the process. Even when I had my rainbow baby, I spent most of that time waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's an awful feeling.

I am now seeing a specialist who understands pregnancy/motherhood and everything involved at Seven Starling (covered by my insurance) and it's been a godsend.

[u/Stay_Scientific]

As the mom of two boys, one living, you are not alone. Pregnancy after loss is a very specific kind of hell and while you may (and should) look for the silver linings, do not think of it as a life lesson from the cosmos. You did nothing to deserve this and there is nothing you can do to atone. It just is. Take one moment at a time and love your babies for how ever long you've got with them.

[u/No-Click-4139]

It will absolutely come one way or another and when it does I can tell you’ll be a phenomenal mother. My sister went through something similar last year whilst trying for my nephew, her second child, she tried for a year before convincing and then lost about 2 ish months in. She was a wreck for the longest time, she wouldn’t eat, drink, she hardly left her room unless it was for my niece. Once she felt better she managed to convince her son and she expressed that even though she was excited she felt scared 24/7 that she was going to loose him, thankfully, she didn’t.

I know it may be hard right now but it’s going to work out for you, especially since you have such an amazing partner helping you through it all :)

[u/Any_Shower_9075]

Sending you the biggest hugs! I went through years of fertility struggles and found great solace in a speaking with a therapist every week. Not for everyone but I personally wouldn’t have made it through without her.

Another thing some people find helpful is letting those closest to them (parents, siblings) know of their struggles in the early weeks of pregnancy. That way if anything does happen (hopefully not), they have people to support them instead of holding on to this big traumatic secret. Something to consider for yourself!

You’re so strong already for what you’ve endured!

[u/IllyriaCervarro]

My very first pregnancy ended in miscarriage as well and it really fucked me up.

I was in such a rush after that to have a baby - that whole process was more stressful than fun. It ended up taking 9 months after my miscarriage to get pregnant again (it took 7 months the first time). I was looking into fertility options when I got ‘spontaneously pregnant’ as they call it.

After I got pregnant the second time I went into a wild anxiety spiral and literally didn’t allow myself to feel happy until very late in my pregnancy. It’s not a time I look back in with fond memories which is really sad.

But my daughter was born happy and healthy, we had a second one this May (with no trouble at all because life is funny that way sometimes) …. But miscarrying that first time really messes with your sense of wellbeing over the whole ‘having kids’ thing.

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. The grief does fade, I think I’ll always wonder what if but I’m happy things turned out the way they did, I wouldn’t have the children I do have now if it had worked out the first time…

It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to have many complicated feelings about it all, the journey to parenthood sometimes really sucks and I’m sorry you drew the short stick in the lottery.

[u/Live_Background_6239]

You do not need to tell family anything. Except for those you know who would be heartbroken to not know because they want to support you. And even then I would wait until you’re in the second trimester (13weeks at least). Once you have definitive information and a plan. This way questions can be answered swiftly, directly. And I’d appoint a family member to notify others and be the point person for information.

Please speak to a grief therapist. And ignore people who say you shouldn’t cry because it’ll hurt the pregnancy or suggest myths about affecting personality 🙄

None of this is fair, you didn’t do anything to deserve this. Mother Nature is a bitch.

[u/Unusual-Helicopter15]

I am so sorry you’re experiencing this. I have had two losses (very early) and struggled with infertility. We had to do IVF to have our baby and the misery and anxiety of TTC, then pregnancy, were brutal. I honestly didn’t feel I could love my baby until he was several weeks out in the outside world. It never felt real or safe for the longest time. He’s 19 months old now and the joy from him is unreal, but part of me is still healing from all that came before. The joy truly has been stolen from you, and I know it hurts. I hope you’ll be able to enjoy your pregnancy, at least in some way, soon. For me, when I started feeling consistent movement, I felt a little less anxious, and when I passed about 26ish weeks, the fear went down in teeny tiny increments. It was never gone, I never relaxed, but I had some moments of enjoying things here and there. I hope that happens for you, and in larger measure. Sending you love and hope.

[u/John316-LIFE]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your grief and sadness is valid. As is any joy you experience for the healthy baby. Miscarriage is such a traumatic experience. I’ve had 3. TTC is definitely not the beautiful experience I thought it would be either. Nor is pregnancy. The trauma of miscarriage can make the trials of pregnancy feel like even more of a rollercoaster. Like on one hand you want to be incredibly grateful, but on the other hand the struggles are so deep.

[u/flipflopsandwich]

This is so rough, there is no logic or reasoning for why we suffer just that we have to carry it with us ❤️

[u/unknown825]

Sometimes life just really sucks and I’m so sorry it’s brought you so much pain. I hope this baby gets to watch you grow old. Will pray for you

[u/Direct_Cook_7690]

The truth is, we spiral because we love so hard.

[u/Nerdybirdie86]

This is tough. That’s all. There’s no silver lining, it sucks. I’m praying that the hospital gives you and the babies the best care.

[u/cantina_cupcake]

when i lost my baby at 12 weeks this january, a good friend said: we are thankful for “baby T” being with us for this short time. it broke my heart but gave me a little sense that it wasn’t just a cruel play in my life... you are in a very difficult situation, i am rooting for you and the babies ❤️‍🩹

[u/Ramenpucci]

It is never too late to talk to someone. Sometimes the lesson is your other twin needed to be here for only a short time just to feel your love. We come here no matter how short or love to feel unconditional love.

You are going through a pregnancy. Take care of yourself. Do what you can to prepare. If talking, or journaling, seeing a grief therapist, even virtual, can help. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

[u/DancingScarecrow542]

I've currently 33 weeks and have been struggling with prenatal depression and anxiety since around 13 weeks when we learned our baby has a genetic condition. It sent me into a special that I've been trying to claw my way out of ever since. We had to go through a grueling waiting process to figure out if the pregnancy was going to be viable, and there are still unknowns that will follow my baby their entire life. It's so hard and Im jealous of the people that don't know about the details because they get to experience the pure joy about the pregnancy that I desperately wanted. I started Zoloft about a month ago (safe for pregnancy) and it's been helping a lot. The healing process is extremely slow but I'm getting there. DM me if you want solidarity

[u/Extra-Visit-8385]

I am so sorry for the pain you are undergoing. I reiterate others that say to find a therapist to help you process. Even if you have people to talk with sometimes you need someone completely outside of your life who you can rage to.

One thing that I will gently say is that I doubt everyone around you has had an easy path. The reality is that very frequently women do not share the harder parts of the path to parenthood. My OBGYN prepared me that it could take a year to get pregnant the first time so I was prepared for that but not for miscarriage. When I had my first miscarriage it was insane how many people then shared their miscarriage stories. It made me realize that many women simply suffer in silence for a number of reasons. That isn’t to minimize your experience in any way but if you share you may find that there are other women who can help you through because they have had similar experiences.

Much love to you and your partner.

[u/BankutiCutie]

I want to say so many things. First, congratulations but also i am so so sorry for your loss. And ! I hope your medical team is helping as much as they can with extra care and hormones, sometimes missed miscarriages (like the one i had) can be due to a lack of proper estrogen which can be fixed easily! Or also sometimes a baby aspirin a day (under dr orders) can help prevent recurrent miscarriages if you happen to have blood coagulation issues like me. Other times it is truly out of our hands…

I know it’s woo-woo and not everyone believes in spiritual stuff but i take great comfort in believing my rainbow baby (now 8 months old!) is my lost one returned to me just with a body that works properly.

We dont deserve these devastations and this horrible walking on eggshells feeling. I pray for this twin to make it safely and uncomplicated to term!

[u/charlie8123]

Felt this. First off hugs to you. It’s a lot to deal with. I often see the unfairness and feel the same especially about how others seemingly swim through. I think it is normal to feel this way. It’s hard now but regardless of the outcome. We make the life we lead, we cannot control the cards we are dealt. You are not weak. I fully believe you are able to live the life you want and am rooting for you.

[u/whoevenisanyone]

Pregnancy after loss is incredibly difficult. It is grief. There are many stages. Anger, jealousy, sadness, numbness… they don’t follow any particular order and can ebb and flow. You will likely feel anxious throughout the rest of this pregnancy and any future pregnancies you have. Many of us over in [r/cautiousbb](r/cautiousbb) or [r/pregnancy](r/pregnancy)afterloss can relate to this. Please don’t keep this from your doctor either, there are many resources for prenatal anxiety and support! Sending hugs!

[u/bogbodyPositive]

I have no answer for you other than my solidarity. After finding out I was pregnant this spring with our first my husband and I lost someone extremely dear to us suddenly. Someone we had planned to be there throughout our child's life. We found out the gender a week after her passing and I told a few people, but told them not to congratulate me "as if I have anything to be happy about". I felt the exact same "joy is off limits to us" as you, I mostly still do.

All I can say is it is seemingly getting .01% better every day. It won't feel right for a while, but there's a period of time in the future where you're hugging on your kid with your husband and things will still hurt but you'll be okay. We both will. Sending you hugs

[u/Kevvycepticon]

There’s no lesson to learn, sometimes these things just happen and I wish I could hug you and tell you it’s not your fault at all! You can absolutely grieve one and celebrate the other, you’re still bringing life into this world even if it’s just one.

Cry, vent, get angry even, but don’t completely give up on yourself because it’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong so please don’t beat yourself up, your partner sounds amazingly supportive and kind to you and I’m glad you’re not going through this alone. Try to take care of your mental health if you can 🫂

[u/AngryPrincessWarrior]

Loss is so so so common. People just often don’t share it. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

We lost 4 before lucky number 5 stuck. It stole the joy from that pregnancy, I couldn’t believe he would be safe until he was here and it still took a bit to believe it. Pregnant again and things seem like they’re going well… but the fear. That fear is always there. Once you’ve experienced it there is no escaping it.

Take it one day at a time. There is no lesson or reason. It just… happens. And sometimes it’s awful. Sometimes it’s beautiful. All we can do is hang on and get through it.

Every day, remind yourself that you are pregnant today. You can deal with tomorrow when it comes.

Eventually you will reach the end and meet your baby. Just keep your eyes down and take it one step at a time. I don’t have advice for the fear and sadness other than just get through it best you can.

It does get better but you will always carry it. And I’m really sorry you’re part of this club too.

[u/FriendlyDay6697]

There's no lesson. Just strength through tragedy. You'll have a baby that you'll love double the amount because baby B will always be a part of them. I suffered two miscarriages and I kept wondering what lesson is to be learned from it. I did everything right... but I eventually realized we don't have to learn from everything that happens. We're allowed to grieve the way we need to, we're allowed to think the way we need to just to get through it. My heart is with you and your babies.

[u/hippopotacorn]

My heart hurts for you as you navigate the awful mix of joy and fear and hope and deep sadness. I am so glad to hear you have a wonderful and true partner alongside you, helping you carry as much as they can. 

One of the most challenging things is there isn't always a lesson to be learned, it just is. It's hard and it just is. 

Sending you so much love and hope. I do want you to know it is possible for doctors to terminate one twin and help the other grow fully and safely, my sister is one (and our mom was 40 even she was born.) If you can, find a therapist who specializes in this or a professionally led support group, for both you individually and as a couple, you are not alone. There is grief and yet, there can be more. All the love to you. 

[u/Used-Arrival-4176]

Sometimes there is no lesson, only grief. Let yourself feel everything as much as you can, when you can so the emotions have a place to go. And try to find people to talk to that understand. Sending you love and validation from my keyboard.

[u/Thummimurim8]

Wow. I have nothing to say other than I wish you strength OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this. 🫂

[u/StalkingYouRandomly]

Oh my goodness, Im so sorry for your loss.

Sometimes, theres no lesson to be learned, sometimes its just nature being a dick. Feel free to be angry, sad, dissapointed and angry again as long it helps you get it all out. There are some little heartbeats depending on you. I would suggest to visit a therapist though, youre immediate friends and family can only help you cope so much and you still havent processed your past miscarriage.

[u/rocketmanatee]

I'm so sorry. Nature is so cruel. We did IVF for our one and only pregnancy and lost them at just 9 weeks. No luck since and it feels so unfair. So believe me I understand.

I will send wishes for a beautiful and healthy baby for you and an uncomplicated resolution.

[u/fuckinunknowable]

It is an extremely human instinct to ask why me and what do I need to learn but the reality is the universe is chaotic and shit just happens. I’m so so sorry this is happening for you.

[u/forbiddenphoenix]

I'm so sorry OP. Miscarriage and baby loss is just not talked about very often, but it is truly nothing you did and there is nothing you were meant to learn here. It's estimated that 25% of pregnancies simply end before 12 weeks, often without any discernible cause. 2.5% end even after that. I was in that unlucky lottery myself, with a 2nd trimester loss.

It is so difficult to be pregnant after a loss. I empathize with how you feel, when you say you're struggling to find joy or attachment to your baby. The best thing I could do was take it day by day, and tell myself "today, I am pregnant". Regardless of the outcome, I tried to focus on that day, feeling those flutters and first kicks. The pregnancy after loss community was also very comforting for me, especially reading about success stories that were similar to my own, or venting about things that gave me anxiety, like the weeks leading up to ultrasounds or appointments. Hugs, it's a hard and lonely road for many of us.

[u/Admirable-Ad7152]

I'm so so sorry you're dealing with this. My mom went through similar traumas and no one can imagine the grief and confusion.

I don't think there are lessons in the world, not like we like to imagine in stories. The world just is and it is random and uncaring. And yet, we make it care. We give it all meaning and make it learn love by grieving when it hurts us and those we love.

I wish you and yours nothing but the best, you can do this.

[u/ladykasta]

Im so sorry maam. This must be really painful for you and your husband. Please, make sure you keep your body as well fed and well rested as possible. Im so sorry little B is not going to make it. May his remaining time be as pain free as possible. Im also rooting for little A. I hope they get to meet their mom and dad healthy and strong.

I know it hurts a lot right now but again, take the utmost care of yourself so that you can also be as present as possible for little A who will need you once they meet you.

And also,please never feel responsible for anything bad that has happened to either of your pregnancies so far. You wanted to be a mom and im sure you did and still are doing your best.

 You are a good mom. Hugs for you, OP

[u/KDSD628]

I feel you, OP. My husband and I had been trying for a year and half, finally got pregnant through IVF, everything was going well. And then at 13 weeks found out baby had Down syndrome. The next week, baby started developing hydrops. Loss and d&e at 16 weeks.

We had allowed ourselves to get so excited after the 10 week scan, and now it feels like we will never be able to get fully excited until/if the baby actually arrives.

Please make sure you guys do couples therapy together - it really, really helps with processing these things together. And then try to make sure you are doing things that bring you joy each day - whatever that may look like for you (for me, it’s been reading Jane Austen novels and binge-watching detective tv shows lol).

I hope everything goes well for you with baby A!

[u/DarkmatterHypernovae]

During my first pregnancy, I carried twins. Twin B stopped growing at 8 weeks, though there was a heartbeat. 10-week ultrasound confirmed the twin wouldn’t progress. There was no heartbeat for Twin B. My body began to pass the twin, so I didn’t need a D&C. Twin A remained healthy and was born prematurely at 29 weeks. She had a few health issues related to ear and kidney development, which occurred around the time Twin B passed. We can only assume Twin B’s situation was worse. I still grieve Twin B ten years later. It was very difficult taking my child to preschool and seeing all the twins and their parents.

Twins run in both our families. My husband’s mother was pregnant with twins and lost them at 20 weeks before he was born, her only child. I went on to have another pregnancy with a single child, who was healthy and without issues.

I share my story to say I relate, and it feels unfair. The heartbreak never fully goes away, but you learn to manage. I sometimes wonder what Twin B could have become. I’m sorry for your loss, and I wish you and your family all the best.

[u/CompetitiveRun1871]

Could have written this exact post lol, 2.5 years in and spent the last 6 weeks at a women’s hospital trying to save my 5th baby after 4 losses. I am so emotionally dead from this process!! Everyone around me is popping out kids on their first try, why is it so hard for some of us? Hang in there, sending so many positive vibes 🫶🏻

[u/Public_Solution_2838]

I’m so so sorry you are on this road.  “What lesson are we supposed to learn from this?”  Yes. I feel the same. After our 4th miscarriage my partner said “I think I’m good on the character building. Where can I trade in this character Ive accumulated “

[u/earthtojendell]

This might be weird to say, but….after my first loss I didn’t let myself really view either of my subsequent (successful, healthy) pregnancies as “real” for a very long time….especially the first one. I don’t honestly know for sure if it’s healthier or if I’d even recommend it, but I want you to know that people do cope that way & its OK to feel the way you are feeling now. I’d say as long as you are self-aware enough to snap back into it once you have to be present as a parent postpartem….let yourself grieve & process & do it your way. Remember that you aren’t alone.

[u/AmericanOrca]

I dont know if this will be helpful, but I was going through the same thing at the same time. One year of trying. Finally pregnant. Only to find... the pregnancy stopped. Started trying again. No luck yet but im terrified for the same reasons. Its our second and everyone says it shouldn't have been so hard for us. That we are just unlucky.

I guess I felt a sisterhood when reading this. You have my whole heart in sympathy. Praying for you and your beautiful children.

[u/PlayNice413]

You are not weak, you are grieving multiple tragedies. My heart is with you.

[u/I_pinchyou]

I'm sorry you are dealing with these losses. My best friend went through this for 3 years and it was hard. She now has a healthy baby and is one and done. Many things in life are not just beautiful. They are beautiful, hard and challenging. Stick together, get stronger together 🩵

[u/BrownieBee97]

All I want to express is that I am just so proud of you, and so sorry for the struggles. This is so hard
(Also your food looks fire)

[u/pedrobear6773]

I cried so hard reading this. I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m wishing you a healthy and safe rest of pregnancy. Don’t give up, it’s so worth it. 

[u/OrdinarySomewhere859]

Fertility and Pregnancy are such a Crapshoot.

None of it is in anyone’s control and that’s a hard thing to accept given we have been sold the scam that it’s easy for everyone always.

Im sorry you’re going thru this OP, I share a lot of your feelings. This is also the most miserable my partner and I have felt …we lost my first pregnancy in 2024 in the second trimester due to IUGR. Worst thing to ever have happened to me.

We are still waiting for our rainbow baby and every day is touched with at least a little bit of grief and longing.

Just know it’s not your fault. I really hope you will be able to bring home live and healthy babies. Sending you love and support ❤️

[u/United_Relief_2949]

This is a heartbreaking read. I just want to say how much I admire your resilience and poise in sharing this piece with us. It's very well composed, though I'm sure it may have been difficult for you to stay composed writing it. I'm so deeply sorry for your losses. I had my first baby at 37, same age as you. We started trying at 36 but were fortunate to have no issues. The thing about fertility struggles is that it's not something people really think about because you can't feel it, so when it's discovered it really feels like it comes out of nowhere and it's just shattering. It is possible to terminate just one twin, but since they share a placenta they may not want to disrupt anything. It is certainly complex. IfF you haven't seen an MFM specialist, please do. I hope for your sake that twin A continues to do well and that you will meet this baby earthside in a few more months.

Your husband sounds like a wonderful person. Keep leaning on him and the other people in your life who love and support you. It isn't fair. It's ok to feel that way. It's ok to be guarded too. it's understandable and it's a coping mechanism. therapy might be helpful for you and your husband as you move through this pregnancy. be kind to yourself. there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of your first pregnancy, nor is there anything you could have done for things to be different in this one. i wish you the best.

[u/Tough-Act383]

There’s a sentence in Neko Case’s memoir that really stuck with me, and it’s saved in my phone:

“If you learn nothing from something horrible, you are human, and that doesn’t make you soulless or cruel. Sometimes bad things are just senseless brutality that finds you. You do not deserve or ask for these things. They are not always teaching you a lesson.”

It’s not your fault, and you don’t have to learn anything from this. Just get through it to the other side. ❤️

[u/DaisiesSunshine76]

I’m really sorry and I hope so much that you are able to carry this baby to term and both u and baby are healthy.

I’m struggling with chronic illness shit and it has made me question whether I can be a parent (I’m already always exhausted without even having a kid). I have spent a bit of time feeling really angry and upset, because I feel like I’m being punished for something. But I have to remind myself bad things happen to good people all the time. Some of us learn how frail life is sooner than others.

[u/Andarna_dragonslayer]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

r/tfmr_support is a very helpful group if you want to talk.

[u/FriendshipSea4022]

A wise mentor once told me, when we started trying for kids, that opening yourself up to having children opens you up to incredible amounts of joy, as well as incredible amounts of grief.

I am so sorry for your losses. I pray that the joy you experience when you hold your baby one day, is indescribable. 🫶🏻

[u/Jayfur90]

Very valid pain and grief. 75% of all pregnancies turn out ok, why us? My son died full term from medical malpractice and my life is ruined. People say “your future just looks different” but they have not sat at the front row of their child’s funeral, held him as he died, and carried his ashes home from the funeral home. Everything I see is tainted with grief. My 2 living children are loved beyond measure but they are not their brother. They are not a replacement. I have lifelong medical trauma, ptsd, and severe depression from all we endured. Parenthood is not for the weak, I’m sorry you are experiencing the pain of loss and anxiety for what should be a happy time. Hugs

[u/WomanFromBalkan]

hey, you're going to be a good mom, i am sorry that life is a bitch and were is no lesson to learn, just bad luck. Take care of yourself. Sending you love and a big hug.

[u/InternationalAd7011]

I'm so sorry, it sounds just devastating.

Give yourself time to feel your feelings, and maybe also remember that you may not know anyone else's full story. From the outside it might seem like other people have all healthy babies "without any trouble" but it's a very personal and painful thing they may not talk about.

Nobody would know from looking at my family now but both my girls are rainbow babies I had to go through some heartbreak to meet.

[u/ivebeenfollowingyou]

First of all I’m very sorry you’re going through this.
Second, do you think you’d feel better if you announced the pregnancy to your in-laws as a singleton? It’s your body and your experience, you don’t have to tell them everything about it if it brings you more pain.
I also decided at 36 to finally have a baby, and my choice was to not announce the pregnancy to my in-laws until the second trimester, because in the worst case scenario I wouldn’t have wanted to talk about this with them. I only told the people I felt comfortable with talking about bad experiences as well as good ones.
You should decide what you share with them based on what you’re comfortable with.

[u/dazzleunexpired]

There is no lesson.

Your suffering isn't a lesson. It isn't a place for you to learn. This didn't happen for a reason. There is no reason. No one decided for this to happen, either.

It just is.

Take from it what there is to take: that life is precious and hard earned. Love fiercely, for life can end in a second. No matter your age.

You can handle this, OP. Let me tell you a secret that I learned... Strength is nothing but that which is required of any individual human. No, for real. You just have to let that be the truth. Strength is only what is required from you and any human is as strong as they need to be to survive. You just have to let yourself understand that strength is that which you have, you are stronger than you know.

[u/phd_babyy]

Babes I feel you so much. I lost two pregnancies back to back and am on my third, with fingers crossed. Every single feeling you described is how I felt -- but there is no way I felt it as strongly as you must be. What you're going through is emotional whiplash at its fucking worst.

I am giving you a big virtual hug, and full permission for you to just sob. Let yourself be sad, let yourself be happy, let yourself feel whatever comes up even if it's a mix of emotions. As others have said, there isn't some magical mystical lesson in this. Sometimes life is wonderful, and sometimes it's a fucking bitch for no reason. Please please please prioritize yourself (+ partner) over everyone and everything else right now and take life one day, even one hour, at a time. Work can wait, life projects can wait, social obligations can wait. Tell people if you want to, but don't do it out of obligation. Those who matter will understand, and those who don't understand don't matter.

[u/CorrectPaint8223]

I am so sorry and in some ways I understand, if I may share my personal experience (please ignore if you are not interested) We had a similar path although with single pregnancies over 10 years and eventually did IVF, I have no happy memories of my pregnancy with my now child literally due to the fact I was too scared to get attached so i distanced myself from the entire thing. I regret doing this but it was what I thought I had to do to protect myself, even in the third trimester I believed my child would be taken from me at any point and then after birth I also believed that my child may pass in infancy so I struggled to bond. looking back I really wish I had had some kind of therapy because those days are lost in worry forever and it is unlikely we will have another child. I am sending you such big hugs and all the best moving forward.

[u/kutsinta24]

I am so sorry, sis. Wanting a child is beautiful, but it can also be devastating and cruel. You are so strong and full of love.

[u/feylin17]

In my experience the only thing you should learn is that you are a mother of four. Even when children are with you a short while, they’re still always your child.

How you choose to talk about them is entirely up to you. Some people do not, ever. Some people have mother’s jewelry made so they have a perpetual public representation. I agree with everyone else that therapy specific to pregnancy loss is so helpful. I have 3 children, the middle child was a MMC, but he existed and is my child- I am happier talking about him. My neighbor chose to have small grave sites for her oldest children and rarely talks about them. I only found out after she passed that my grandmother had multiple miscarriages. My cousin wrote an entire play about pregnancy loss in the varieties she experienced. However you choose will be the right choice.

[u/missmars12]

I have similar familial experiences (not myself) and I can hear the echoes of your pain. I don't really know how else to express my empathy but please understand it is there xxx

[u/SquirrelGirl1749]

https://giphy.com/gifs/7Wcyq7KvKFNTO
No words. Just sending you love as you process everything.

[u/meltsaman]

I'm sorry you're going though this honey, motherhood is so hard and it's a cruel fate that the ones who want it the most are the ones who often have the hardest time getting there.

I hope this will just be a long distant memory in 5 years while you wrangle a screaming, sticky toddler into a car seat lol

[u/Bigtits321]

If you’re looking for a series to watch, there In Fertility by the Try Guys. It’s really beautiful and you will watch someone go through something similar. The challenges of wanting a baby the same. ❤️

[u/redituser95838283849]

I’m in the same boat currently. Started trying for a 2nd kid at 36, and had two miscarriages. Currently pregnant again but bleeding quite a bit so expecting the worse.

Meanwhile everyone around me either had or is having multiple children without any issues

[u/beanshaken]

I was told I lost a pregnancy (during Covid, and wasn’t allowed to come into the office) went 1 month thinking it was over but after getting levels checked and checked again was finally able to get an ultrasound that showed I was pregnant still. They told me we will never really know what happened to my pregnancy, maybe I lost a twin, but I ended up having a healthy pregnancy and had my daughter. Anyway during that time I heard stories/ a theory of reincarnation and that the soul will wait and be reincarnated again after a pregnancy loss because they want you as their Mother. Usually pregnancies end for biological reasons out of anyone’s control. I hope this isn’t too heavy but maybe the souls you lost waited to be reincarnated again with you and your partner. I understand 1 was lost, but maybe that soul will come into your life with a future pregnancy or reincarnate as someone else around you. I am starting to believe in soul families and we choose to reincarnate with our soul families. Something to ponder… I wish you the best in your pregnancy, you are human and allow yourself human emotions. Sending you love.

[u/queen_elvis]

Honey, you’ve been through a lot. Both emotionally and hormonally. Feel how you need to feel and get therapy if you can. Maybe both of you should go to therapy; how’s your partner feeling? I bet it’s not great.

If it matters, I read today that messed-up sperm might be the chief cause of miscarriages. Boys, always messing things up. ;)

[u/Former-Pumpkin]

I just lost my second pregnancy in a row, my only two pregnancies, and I know it feels like the world is ending. Try not to let this process consume you ❤️ lean into your supports and interests. My heart is with you. It's so, so unfair.

[u/Lunamothknits]

I'm sure others have said this but people who seem to have totally healthy non-complicated experiences with pregnancy often just don't share their experiences fully. We are somewhat conditioned to not share loss. I'm sure there's someone out there that thinks I've had it easy with having kids but I had a 23 week loss as well as multiple early first trimester losses between two full term pregnancies. There is no lesson, it's just life.

Throwing in for therapy. I did CBT with a great therapist while pregnant with my youngest and it was something I should have done yeeeeeears ago.

[u/donttalktomefucker]

It’s wild how taboo TTC can still be as a topic, and hard feelings of comparison, jealousy, guilt, etc… It’s such a complicated time as a woman, all while everyone is leaping in to give (usually super contradictory) advice.

Sending you good thoughts, we are in this together!

[u/IndividualTop96]

I think you’re making yourself a bit miserable, pregnancy is like this. Many women don’t ever know they had a miscarriage even because it’s only 1 or two missed periods. You are healthy they didn’t suffer. You’ll have a child and maybe even children now or in the future and it will be fine, as you talk to more women you’ll meet so many women who have lost pregnancies even much more I the future. My aunt had a still birth my husbands family member lost her potential 4th child, my mother lost her potential 3rd child. It’s not great but it is common and they all got through it you will too

[u/Classroom_Plastic]

I’m sending you virtual hugs, OP. I am so sorry for your loss and the continued grief and anxiety where there would ideally be joy. I am rooting so hard for baby A ❤️

[u/ready-or-not111]

Sending you so much love. I’ve not had a child yet but I hope to ❤️

[u/acinnamonham]

There is nothing that splits us open and turns us inside out like motherhood in all of its journey. Your grief and feelings are so intense because thats just what happens when we love something so immensely.
I hope you get the best news you can going forward in this pregnancy for all 3 of you.

[u/Representative_Ebb33]

The podcast Everything Happens has helped me immensely through grief

[u/Consistent-Mango6742]

There are other moms who have been through the same if you need support at r/tfmr_support

[u/Esme_Nog]

I’ve been through a lot of that: desperately wanting, finally get pregnant, miscarriage…it was pure psychological torture. I bowed out and decided to adopt (I have a fantastic kid) partially because I just didn’t think I could emotionally survive the process otherwise.

But yes, it’s absolute torture. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If you become a parent that pain goes away, but it’s still one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m so sorry it hasn’t been an easy path for you.

[u/MsPlum_]

I’m so sorry. Miscarriage and child loss is something truly NO ONE understands unless you’ve experienced it, too. I lost my baby last year and it’s been the hardest time of my life. It changed me forever.

Look for little things that bring you peace and comfort with Twin A. Sending love you wishing you all the best.

[u/Unlucky-Paper-3401]

I'm so sorry, OP. I truly feel for you. I had two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy (which ruptured my fallopian tube, resulting in emergency surgery, so much trauma) over 3 years of trying. And then, just 5 months after the ectopic, I became pregnant with my beautiful baby boy (now 6 and the light of my life). It was SO hard for me to feel really secure in the pregnancy, or feel much joy or connection in it. We didn't even tell anyone except close family that I was pregnant until 6 months because I was so scared. Then my baby came over 3 weeks early, there was more trauma and complications during birth, and postpartum was hell.

BUT. Now I look at my sweet boy and cant imagine not having him. Even after all of the heartbreak and turmoil, I would do everything over again - 100 times over - if it meant I would get my kiddo.

I guess my point is that the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing is SO hard to understand or accept when you're in it. But it really is true. You'll always mourn your losses - I still do. But your remaining baby will more than make up for it. I promise.

Stay strong OP, I wish you the very best ❤️

[u/AdagioSpecific2603]

This is traumatizing OP. I’m so sorry you have experienced this. I had PTSD from a very traumatic experience with my first pregnancy/delivery and my child having a rare medical diagnosis. I felt so much hurt, rage and pure sadness and for a while I was so resentful that we had gone through so much trauma, when my friends around me all had healthy babies and healthy pregnancies and deliveries. I was so angry that my child had to suffer. It really caused me to accept that life doesn’t do bad or hurtful things to people to teach lessons, karma doesn’t exist, most of life is simply luck of the draw.
Now I have 2 friends that also have had children with disabilities, and one suffered a heartbreaking loss. The trauma has fundamentally changed us and how we view the world. Grieving your children and how your pregnancies have been and that your son is now also suffering (as are you) is completely valid. I’m truly sorry this is happening.

[u/Least_Mongoose4059]

I know there are already so many comments on your post, but I hope you end up seeing this.

It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to be angry...sad...confused and plenty more. No one on this earth can understand the feelings you're going through unless they've been through something similar, but I promise you are not alone and unfortunately sometimes it gets worse before it gets better....but it will get better. It might take weeks, months, or years but there will be a point where the heaviness you're feeling now is not a part of your every day life.

I was 4 months pregnant and just announced to my family, friends, job, and socials that we were having a baby because we were "in the clear" and the chance of losing the baby was slim. We literally picked out his name and then two days later my water broke at work and I was told that I would be miscarrying within 24 hours. To this day they still can't explain what happened or why but it tore my entire existence apart. I did everything right. Ate well, exercised, carried a healthy baby with a strong heartbeat for 4 months...and then overnight, I didn't. It took 9 months of trying to get pregnant again after that and we finally did. I was over the moon and felt like everything was right in the world again and then 2 days later I found out I was being let go from my job...and 2 days after that I miscarried again. I was at the lowest point of my life and was surrounded by friends who were pregnant and family who were accidentally pregnant and didn't want their baby. I had to go to countless baby showers and pretend I was happy for people when I was falling apart at the seams and resented them having a normal pregnancy experience.

I didn't think I would ever be okay again or come back from all of that...but 3 years later, I finally have my earth baby and he is my entire world. Looking back, I would've loved my first two babies more than anything...but losing them taught me how beautiful and fragile life can be. It taught me to appreciate all the moments that a lot of parents complain about. The "oh just wait until they're not sleeping and crying at 2AM" was a moment that when it finally happened, I wasn't angry...I was grateful because it meant that my baby was on this earth. My angel babies made me do a lot of self reflecting, self care, and therapy so that I'm now able to be the best version of me for my earth baby.

Pregnancy after miscarriage is so hard to navigate, but you are not alone. Be so gentle and kind to yourself right now. You are so strong and even when you're not, it's okay. One day at a time right now and you got this, mama!

[u/Trick-Concept3252]

You're not weak. Your grief is understandable because you're feeling really pain. Life is unpredictable. Highly recommend therapy to navigate the ups and downs. Pregnancy brings an added level of stress even when everything goes "normally", then sprinkle in all the fun hormones. Hang in there. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve that!

[u/Educational_Fruit337]

Dude I wish I could hug you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💔

[u/Own_Exchange_3247]

I am just so sorry. I couldn’t imagine the emotions you are feeling inside throughout this all. You are incredibly strong even when you may feel weak. Sending love to you through the internet.

[u/stayshinycapn]

I am so deeply sorry you’re having to go through this. My first pregnancy ended after an abnormal NT, and I was a shell of myself for 6 months while we tried again, only for the next pregnancy to end in a miscarriage. I had a healthy baby this past year, and it’s the only thing that stopped the constant ache.

I can’t imagine the weight of sadness you’re carrying around, but every day you’re going to be able to move a little closer to feeling okay. My husband is Quaker and, as they say, I’m holding you in the light.

[u/mmbmwc]

we went through infertility for a few years and eventually had 2 kids via IVF. those kids are now 4 and 7 and, although i am grateful (and also driven to the brink, mentally) every day, i still find myself feeling so mad that we went through all of that, and that other people can so easily have kids whenever they want. it just doesn't feel right, although i know there really is no "right" in situations like this. i just want you to know that this whole wide spectrum of things your feeling is all so real, and so heard and felt. i never knew if i wanted kids until suddenly i did, and it felt so hollow, so painfully empty to struggle to have them. i'm keeping you and baby A in my heart ❤️

[u/onetwobirdie]

I'm so sorry. I want to say it gets easier, but I don't know if it really does. I went through several losses, struggled with infertility for three years. I have an 8 month old now, and I'm so lucky. I spent every second of that pregnancy assuming something horrible would happen. I wasn't going to believe it until my baby was breathing in my arms. but it happened, and I'm a mother to an amazing, sweet, smart, healthy baby boy.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you can find beauty somewhere in your journey to motherhood. I hope you hold that baby in your arms in the coming months. your baby is going to be so loved 🫂

[u/Wolfstar_Forever_]

Your family and your ability to conceive and carry don't define your worth or if there's some wrong with you. You need to look after yourself and eachother. Look into therapies. See if there's someone you can talk with medically outside of appointments so you may know what to expect. You're not weak, you're so insanely strong when you shouldn't have to be. I hope all goes well for you all. 

[u/uttersolitude]

There is no "lesson" to be learned. You aren't being given shitty situations to punish or teach you. Bad things happen sometimes.

Your grief is valid. Your feelings are valid. You are valid.

Keep going one day, one hour at a time. You're going to get through this. We're all rooting for you!

[u/Pot-Stirrer352]

Some advice I got that you may or may not resonate with, is that if you worry about something before it happens you're feeling the pain twice. Your second baby isnt gone until they're gone. I know someone who had twins, and was told that it would be a good idea to consider aborting one, and they're both here today. Your grief is valid and you dont ask for or choose your emotions. Good luck to you and your family. Pregnancy is hard, especially complicated ones.

[u/Alpacamybag14]

I've lost 3. 1 set of twins and 1 single. I significantly struggled with grief and anxiety. I see you, and I know it's a hormonal and emotional time regardless of trauma. My therapist recommended the following: allow yourself to grieve. Go into a room, no tv, no phone, just you and cry, scream, do anything that serves you. Do something to honor them, bury something, make art, do a garden, something that fits you (I carved a crazy pumpkin and wrote a poem). The other thing she recommended was a journal called Miscarriage Grief Journal by Rachel C. Floyd. I recommend it. The emptiness after a loss can't be quantified in the same manner that the joy of a child can give you. My rainbow is 18 months old.

[u/lyrasilvertongue1]

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I too have learned the hard way that pregnancy and motherhood is not always what you expect it to be. I experienced a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and then developed severe preeclampsia with my second which led to me delivering 10 weeks early and my baby was in the NICU for 2 months.

I found a therapist who specializes in pregnancy, birth, and postpartum trauma and that has helped a lot. She talked to me about the “maternal story” and how what we dream of for so long for ourselves as mothers isn’t always what we get. Your grief is absolutely valid. It’s not fair you aren’t having a joyful pregnancy. Something else I found helpful was a poem called Welcome to Holland. It helped me to accept my losses while also not downplaying them with the “At least…” comments and thoughts.

[u/Lanky-Ad1222]

Sending you all the love, dear friend ❤️ 

[u/DistinctConclusion18]

I’m so sorry for what you went t through, my ttc process hasn’t been easy as well, 1 chemical, 1 ivf ectopic, 1 natural MMC, 1 ivf chemical, 1 natural chemical and now probably failed ivf fet.
It’s not easy it’s been more then 2 years, I also ask myself why me.
I am really sorry you are going through this.

[u/Sea-Astronomer-6600]

I am so sorry. I know you’re probably really tired of hearing those words but for most it’s incomprehensible. You’re brave, strong, and will be an amazing mother. Probably more so because of all you’ve gone through to bring your baby home!! I’m not sure if you’re open to anxiety meds but I highly recommend Buspar, it’s safe during pregnancy. It helped me tremendously. Until you do hear bad news, try to remain positive for the little one in there! They need you and it’s ok to love them!!!!

[u/slow4point0]

There’s no lesson it sucks. I had three miscarriages in a row. It’s the worst pain. I’m so so sorry I hope twin A keeps thriving