Husband is suddenly anti-vaxx and we just had a baby

[u/willwritefordough]

Pretty much the title. We just had our third child and he suddenly informs me he no longer “believes” in vaccines and doesn’t want to get them for the new babe until the child is at least three. We have two older kids who both had all of their vaccines on schedule without problem (and a few extras because they were born premature). This new opinion coincides with him spending a lot more time on his phone, so I know his algorithm is just fucked and he’s interacted with the wrong content too much, but still, what do I do? Child is supposed to get the first round of shots on Friday, and at this point I plan on taking them in secret while partner is at work, but are there legal ramifications to this somehow? We’re in Canada, for reference.

Other pertinent info: I’m the stay at home parent, spend the bulk of time with all of our kids, am the one making the appointments when they need routine stuff done, etc. He works and spends the majority of the money, our relationship has other issues, but this is the most pressing. He wants me to “do the research” and basically convince him he’s wrong (which like… when?? We have a newborn baby and two kids in school and sports and all the things - I don’t exactly have an abundance of free time to research peer reviewed articles about vaccines).

He’s mentioned that if the baby gets vaccinated and suddenly shows signs of autism or other diagnoses he won’t be able to “handle it” and will leave. I’d rather have an autistic child than a dead one.

I feel so absolutely trapped and don’t know what to do (I mean I do, but not without blowing up our lives).

Meal is sourdough toast with scrambled eggs and kimchi cause I have a baby and anything more complicated ain’t happening right now.

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[u/willwritefordough → u/[deleted]]

This is what I needed to know. Thank you.

[u/Rubycon_ → u/willwritefordough]

Yep just take them. You have every right

[u/ImprovementPutrid441 → u/Rubycon_]

I think Texas is the only place where the doctors can withhold medical care because one parent objects. It’s been a huge problem for kids in foster care: you lost custody of your child but still get to deny vaccines. 🫠

[u/Overpass_Dratini → u/ImprovementPutrid441]

If you lost custody of your kids you shouldn't get shit. You sure as hell shouldn't get a say in their medical care. They were taken from you for a fucking reason.

[u/QuickSloth4710 → u/Overpass_Dratini]

I can't speak for all states, but in most, foster kids under a certain age can't get a haircut without a parent's permission.

[u/StarshipCaterprise → u/ImprovementPutrid441]

Sounds like Texas 🫠

[u/Breeeezywheeeezy → u/willwritefordough]

Hey, tell your doctor about your concerns about your husband. They’re obligated to help protect your children, and their documentation could help support you with future legal concerns. They can help you find resources and extra support when and if you need it.

I am a nurse in Canada and work in a NICU, there are no legal ramifications for you giving your consent as a legal guardian for your children, ESPECIALLY considering vaccination is fully supported and recommended by medical associations and Health Canada.

[u/willwritefordough → u/Breeeezywheeeezy]

I wondered if I should mention it to her. I will now, thank you for the rec.

[u/Breeeezywheeeezy → u/willwritefordough]

Thank you for doing what’s best for your children!

[u/SeasideSilence → u/willwritefordough]

You should know that when this issue has come up in family courts in Canada, the courts will support the parent following medical recommendations as that is deemed to be in the child’s best interests. There is robust case law in Canada supporting your child being vaccinated even if the other parent refuses (were you to separate.)

[u/willwritefordough → u/SeasideSilence]

This is so helpful, thank you!!

[u/justtopostthis13 → u/willwritefordough]

And work with your support system to get a contingency plan in place. I know you said they’re far but they’re still your support, will love you and show up for you as best as they are able. That leaning will help you make the right choice for yourself and your children. Children can and do make it through a move like that just fine and even thrive when they have a lot of support.

[u/Mandy_M87 → u/justtopostthis13]

Good idea. In the process of leaving, get the kids their vaccines behind his back when you can.

[u/emcs1230 → u/willwritefordough]

And if you post this on r/sciencebasedparenting (or just search the sub), they’ll link peer-reviewed articles for you.

[u/willwritefordough → u/emcs1230]

I could kiss you for this! Didn’t know this existed. I’ll seek help there, too.

[u/ScoobieDoopieBoo → u/[deleted]]

I really like this piece of advice, tbh. 

[u/brielarstan]

The reason people think their child got autism from a vaccine is that notable autism traits start to manifest around the time your toddler has their major vaccines. It's not causation. If your child starts showing signs of neurodivergence, it'd be there whether they were vaccinated or not.

[u/willwritefordough → u/brielarstan]

I know this. I mentioned this. He says that’s what the media/big pharma wants me to think. That I’m the one that’s been brainwashed. How do I even argue with that?? I never saw this coming; we’ve always agreed on this.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/willwritefordough]

So for the logical side: I am an attorney who sues Big Pharma companies and I have colleagues who represent kids injured by vaccines. You can imagine how ”brainwashed” we are - yet we all get our kids vaccinated because the risks are far outweighed by the need to protect our children and the community. Big Pharma doesn’t really care about vaccines, they’re not highly profitable and they are insulated from significant lawsuits.

But your husband is not logical. He has fallen into some kind of insane rabbit hole, probably a combination of mental health plus social media nonsense. He is threatening to abandon you and the kids! For all you know he is already making plans to do so.

In addition to secretly getting your child vaccinated, secretly make an appointment with a divorce lawyer. You need to understand how to protect yourself before he cleans out your bank account and runs off with some tradwife wannabe, or worse.

[u/brielarstan → u/willwritefordough]

You can sit him down and explain you're concerned he's being fed scary misinformation from his algorithm and jeopardizing both the health of his baby and trust in your marriage. Threatening to leave you if your child is neurodivergent is no small claim. And devastating to hear.

I have several disabled members of my family (Cerebral palsy, autism, etc.) and they have wonderful fathers who enrolled them in special programs, advocate for their health, and would never, ever consider putting the full brunt of their care on their wives. In the nicest way possible, a man whose love is contingent upon their loved ones' health isn't loving them. Did sickness and health only extend to you and not his children? Something I'd ask him.

[u/Practical-Theory8757 → u/willwritefordough]

Make him read "The Doctor Who Fooled the World" by Brian Deer. This book is about the one man who singlehandedly started the "vaccines cause autism" nonsense purely to make money, and tortured children to get what he wanted. The journalist who wrote the book was successful in getting the former Dr Andrew Wakefield's medical license removed.

[u/Additional_Topic_223 → u/Practical-Theory8757]

You think that man can read?! But in all seriousness, he doesn't sound reasonable enough to agree. Maybe have your pediatrician speak to him?

[u/StormFinch → u/Additional_Topic_223]

Anyone goofy enough to fall down the vaccines=autism rabbit hole probably think that all doctors are pushing them for the money too.

[u/inductiononN → u/Additional_Topic_223]

Hopefully the pediatrician is a man. I suspect her husband is going down an alt-right rabbit hole given some of the things he said to OP. He sounds MAHA and that group often has unfortunate overlap with anti-women groups, as well.

[u/DarkBladeMadriker → u/Practical-Theory8757]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ftdF4ZkueWGHBYc4b5

[u/LongjumpingDate3119 → u/DarkBladeMadriker]

Hey!  If you don’t wanna read that book/ don’t have time to read that book, I have the PERFECT YouTube resource: Hbomberguy’s vaccines video.  He is kinda wild and probably swears in the video, so maybe not around the kids?  But it’s such a good resource and so accessible 

[u/Practical-Theory8757 → u/LongjumpingDate3119]

That's how I found out about the book!

[u/HexyWitch88 → u/willwritefordough]

You can’t argue with him on this because nothing you say will matter. You could invite the world’s top virologists and pediatricians to your house to gently explain the lack of evidence suggesting vaccines cause autism and he would still insist they are lying because he has decided that his opinion is worth more than a hundred years of evidence based practice.

[u/NoWordsJustDogs → u/willwritefordough]

Do we want to talk about the audacity it takes for someone to tell you that you’ve been brainwashed when he gets his information from timtok or whatever social media platforms people that don’t know how to critically evaluate media and information watch?

[u/StarshipCaterprise → u/willwritefordough]

Here’s an article with reputable sources that explains why “vaccines cause autism” is a the result of an extremely unethical and discredited scientific “study” by a Dr in the UK who has since been disbarred from practicing medicine

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5789217/

[u/Common_Tiger1526 → u/willwritefordough]

You don't. He is the one making the outrageous claim, so it is on him to prove it. He wants you to disprove him, yet he's offered no proof himself (because he can't, because he's talking nonsense).

[u/banditoreo → u/willwritefordough]

In someway , you don't. This is both cultist and abuse behavior. Just slowly gray rock him and makes plans to go back to the states. Make sure you have all the paperwork for your children, like their US passports and cash on hand. Research where you can get the fastest divorce either in Canada or US (check Nevada divorce laws, there is a reason back in the day women went to Reno for 2 months) Also check any additional steps to deal with international divorces. Stay safe and look in dv programs for the next steps.

[u/skabeel → u/brielarstan]

That study has been debunked and retracted a million times and I'm pretty sure the guy who ran the study got in trouble for intentionally misrepresenting data but I'm not sure. Either way it's so annoying

[u/mivox → u/skabeel]

Yeah, the guy lost his medical license. But the damage was already done.

[u/skabeel → u/mivox]

There was a period in time when people knew this and rejected the idea but now this stupid false study has made a comeback and is being used as "evidence" ughhhh

It's like bed bugs. We almost fully eliminated them on a global scale and then boom in the late 1900s they made a comeback and now we have a huge global epidemic of them altho that's much less serious than vaccines.

[u/Wonderful_Grass_2857]

"okay honey, have fun at work"

get the kid the vaccines. also, sounds as if youre doing the most of the child rearing anyway, so how would a potentially autistic kid impact him?

Sounds to me he's fed up and is looking for an easy out.

[u/willwritefordough → u/Wonderful_Grass_2857]

I wish he would. I’ve asked for a divorce before. He threatens to take the kids away from me, so I stay and try to make it work, but it’s gotten exhausting. I just feel so stuck.

[u/Many_Tennis9880 → u/willwritefordough]

You’re gonna have to leave this man. It’s one (ridiculous, stupid, dangerous) thing to be anti vax, it’s another to blackmail your partner w the threat of leaving if they don’t agree with you. I’m so sorry. You and the kids deserve better than this garbage child-man

[u/MusicalMushroom420 → u/willwritefordough]

Start keeping a log of everything and anything you do for the kids and then do the same for him. It could even look like a journal

“Today at 4:45 pm I asked ‘Fred’ to watch the kids while I took a shower. He told me I can shower with the kids in the bathroom with me because he wasn’t watching them since he just got home from work and since he’s the only one working and paying the bills I just need to suck it up and be a good little wife” and then take a photo for proof if you can

[u/Realistic-Mess8929 → u/MusicalMushroom420]

Record it if legally possible in her state.

[u/deecw328 → u/willwritefordough]

Just know a threat from a parent who doesn’t do even 50% of raising the kids is a joke. The guy who works all the time with a stay at home wife is suddenly going to be a full time parent?? netflix special levels of comedy there

I’d bet my life he doesn’t know basic things about his kids!

[u/Realistic-Mess8929 → u/deecw328]

This! Its a control tactic. He wants control of everything including OP. If he has to make threats of keeping the kids, its ONLY to keep OP under thumb.

[u/inspaceandthyme → u/willwritefordough]

He’s not going to be able to take the kids away from you. Just wait till the lawyers find out about his vaccination stance.

[u/thisisinfactpersonal → u/willwritefordough]

Keep track of the things he’s saying about vaccines and leaving if a child is autistic. Keep track of any even mildly questionable behavior. Make sure you’re talking to your friends and family about it because that is corroborating evidence.

[u/willwritefordough → u/thisisinfactpersonal]

I’ve mentioned it to my parents and sister because I was just so exasperated. There is a trail. I’ll start keeping track of the other stuff though and writing it down in case I need it for a custody battle.

[u/spacey_a → u/willwritefordough]

He's emotionally abusing you. I'm so sorry.

Take care of yourself and the kids, and make a plan to start getting finances for yourself (whether a part time job, or by doing something like buying $50 visa gift cards every time you go grocery shopping and not getting receipts, hiding the gift cards well, then using a bunch of them to pay your way out of this situation when the right time comes).

You are strong. You can do this. It will be hard and it will suck, but you will prevail and he will not stop you and your kids from living a happy, free life from him.

[u/ccsparkles → u/willwritefordough]

Get them fully vaccinated on schedule while you work out financing, housing and a plan to leave, contact a divorce attorney so you do everything without risking “kidnapping” the kids from your husband. Keeps this hush hush from the kids and him. I only say that since he’s threatened taking the kids already.

Once you’re to that point and safe, serve him divorce papers. Shared custody is a thing but as the primary caregiver you can lay out a solid parenting plan with your attorney. You have shared assets so the cost will come out from both of you—most men try to intimidate/manipulate SAHM with financial abuse from leaving.

I wish you the best! I have a single momma friend who really shined once she was divorced from her toxic ex husband.

[u/Appropriate_Push7498 → u/willwritefordough]

Document as much as possible. So far you have:

His stance on not allowing your child to get life saving vaccinations

His threat to abandon his child if they’re neurodivergent. That is a declaration of child abuse and neglect.

His lack of help and investment in his own children while shirking all of the parental responsibility onto you.

His threats to take the children he doesn’t even spend time with as a punishment if you leave. That is emotional abuse.

He spends the majority of the money while you manage all of the domestic and emotional labor. That is financial abuse.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/willwritefordough]

The chance of him being allowed to take your kids away from you in a divorce is just about zero. Please talk to a lawyer.

[u/Feisty_Turnover_7634]

if the baby (...) shows signs of autism (...) he (...) will leave

May love like this never find me.

Good luck, OP. Go get the kid vaxxed.

[u/willwritefordough → u/Feisty_Turnover_7634]

Honestly, I’m so heartbroken about this part because like wtf. I would love my child in any and all capacities. I can’t imagine saying something like this and it makes me want to leave regardless of whether or not he comes back around to the vaccine thing. Financially, I’m so fucked, though. Been out of the work force for so many years because of staying home with the kids. And I’m originally from the States so if we split my entire support system is there. I’d either have to rip the kids out of their lives and move home or try and make it as a single parent with no support in a different country. I’m so overwhelmed.

[u/KetoLurkerHereAgain → u/willwritefordough]

Between this and the money issues, kind of sounds like he's laying the groundwork to split.

[u/EzzyKitten → u/KetoLurkerHereAgain]

And staying on his phone was more often? I would be curious if there was more than just a bad algorithm causing his change of opinion

[u/Wonderful_Grass_2857 → u/EzzyKitten]

the change of opinion is probably 10 years younger than OP

[u/AngletonSpareHead → u/Wonderful_Grass_2857]

Ugh, this makes the shittiest kind of sense.

[u/womenslasers84 → u/Wonderful_Grass_2857]

Before long he will be accusing OP of cheating because projection.

[u/Regeatheration → u/Wonderful_Grass_2857]

Change of opinion is probably so much fun and makes him feel young again

[u/haunting_chaos → u/Wonderful_Grass_2857]

My first thought, too. Been there, had that happen to me

[u/EzzyKitten → u/Wonderful_Grass_2857]

Honestly, probably so.

[u/StopPsychHealers → u/EzzyKitten]

Exactly what i was thinking

[u/the_saradoodle → u/KetoLurkerHereAgain]

Yeah, this sounds like he's got 1 foot out the door and just looking for a reason to make his wife the bad guy. "We divorced because she didn't listen to me and now our child is autistic/sick/loud/has freckles/looks too much like me."

[u/mustangs16 → u/KetoLurkerHereAgain]

Exactly what I thought. If he's already stated that "any sign of autism" will cause him to leave, he's going to be looking for said signs. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point IMO.

[u/olivedeez → u/KetoLurkerHereAgain]

This

[u/NightBronze195 → u/willwritefordough]

As an autistic person, this makes me sad. What he's really saying is, "I would rather my child die of measles than be autistic." Parents are supposed to love their child unconditionally. Not love them unless they're neurodivergent or disabled or gay or transgender. That is not unconditional.

[u/orchidpop → u/NightBronze195]

My ex used the autism argument with me, which I disproved, but still left.

The kicker? I, myself, am autistic. Like what the actual fuck.

[u/endlesswonder94 → u/orchidpop]

Some family members of mine tried to use the autism excuse about waiting to vaccinate our first kiddo (I’m being induced tomorrow) and my husband is autistic and I swear the pregnancy rage within me took over and I just look one of them in the eye and said “here’s to hoping our kid is fully vaccinated, alive and like her father.” And she just went white. Like ma’am. My husband is autistic, I have adhd and statistically our child is likely to be spicy. What the hell is wrong with people.

[u/LaurelRose519 → u/endlesswonder94]

I’m autistic. When I get vaccines I joke I’m upgrading to the newest operating system. When I get my cats vaccinated I tell them they’re going to be autistic just like mommy 😂😂😂

[u/lifewith6cats → u/endlesswonder94]

Wishing you a successful delivery tomorrow and congratulations on your upcoming beautiful baby, whatever level of spice they are!

[u/endlesswonder94 → u/lifewith6cats]

Thank you so much! We are super excited, and I love your name! We have 4 cats 🥹

[u/tarobeansmayo → u/orchidpop]

I am autistic, so is my brother and my dad (a pediatrician and I am a doctor too), if my ex-husband had pulled that one, I'd be like MF it RUNS in my bloodline. I've 5 uncles/ aunts diagnosed as well.

[u/Manic-StreetCreature → u/NightBronze195]

People like that usually argue that people don’t often die of measles anymore so the kid will be fine (ignoring the fact that measles stopped being a major concern when THE MEASLES VACCINE BECAME AVAILABLE. It’s now ramping up because some people decided to be stupid and children have died). The same doofuses talk about polio no longer being a problem in the US and again the reason for that is vaccination.

[u/Clean-Patient-8809 → u/Manic-StreetCreature]

Measles is far more likely to cause permanent disability than death, too. As is the case with many of the childhood diseases for which we vaccinate. Yes, death is terrible, but why deliberately risk injury to your child either? This dude is scared of autism, but the likelihood of something else bad happening as a result of his stance doesn't seem to enter his head.

[u/ZebraCrosser → u/Manic-StreetCreature]

It doesn't take much for those diseases to come back, either.

I'm in the Netherlands. We've got own set of Facebook-"educated" anti-vaxxers, but before those became all the rage we already had a subset of Orthodox Calvinists that wouldn't vaccinate because they considered it getting ahead of God's plan or something along those lines. Pretty sure they still look both ways when crossing the street regardless of whether that bus is God's plan, but whatever.

We've had three polio outbreaks since the polio vaccine was introduced, at least two of them were in small towns mostly inhabited by folks from those religious groups.

While the last one was in the early 90s, places like that still exist and have acquired a few new generations of unprotected people. And with the new wave of anti-vaxxers I'm not sure we'll be able to limit the next outbreak to a single town.

[u/sun_pup → u/ZebraCrosser]

As somebody in the US this makes me extra sad. I like to think of the Netherlands as a place that represents "some people can still have good things"

[u/Ok_Introduction9466 → u/willwritefordough]

The writing is on the wall and likely has been for some time. Contact your friends and family and leave him. Document the things he’s saying and go to a lawyer about custody and place this weirdo on supervised visits if any. This is abuse. Start getting your affairs in order. Men that go down the red pill pipeline aren’t your job to fix, you run.

https://ia801407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Update to add: I got a notification for a now deleted comment saying I’m misinforming op by calling this abuse…yeah so a man telling his freshly postpartum wife that they can’t vaccinate their newborn baby for absolutely no legitimate medical reason (medical neglect of a child btw) because if she does and the child is autistic he will leave them is in fact, coercive control and emotional abuse. Hope this helps ❤️

[u/batmanandbmth → u/willwritefordough]

As a kid of parents who stayed together too long, it's better to make kids readjust to a happier home life than stay in an unhappy one

[u/YourDogsBestieCara → u/batmanandbmth]

seconding this, my mom stayed until I graduated from high school and it fucked me up more than I could have been if she'd left

[u/PM_ME_SKINNY_DUDES → u/YourDogsBestieCara]

I’m an only child and both my parents have always used me as a shitty therapist. My dad was awful and I used to beg my mom to leave. Also left him after I graduated hs. 🫂

[u/bloodgout → u/batmanandbmth]

THIS

I wish my mom could have gotten away from my dad, with us.

[u/After_Preference_885 → u/willwritefordough]

Write down what he said and other things like it, with dates and times, and keep texts in case you ever need them for custody or safety reasons

[u/ButChooAintBonafide → u/willwritefordough]

Just remember, even though the connection between autism and vaccines has been thoroughly debunked, he is emphatically insisting that he would rather have a dead child than an autistic one. You are doing the right thing no matter how it shakes out. It is overwhelming but focus on the fact that you are doing the right thing. You got this. Xo

[u/Old_Damage_95 → u/ButChooAintBonafide]

This! It was so thoroughly and completely debunked that the study was flat out rescinded. It was nothing but bad science from the start!

[u/ButChooAintBonafide → u/Old_Damage_95]

Andrew Wakefield is no longer a doctor as he had his license revoked. All because he wanted to sell the MMR vaccine as three separate vaccines that he had patented. His greed has led directly to the death of countless children of parents who "did their own research". It's despicable.

[u/Clean-Patient-8809 → u/ButChooAintBonafide]

Wakefield should be brought up on voluntary manslaughter charges and jailed. He has not suffered anywhere near the consequences he deserves.

[u/EmberOne1 → u/Old_Damage_95]

It was worse than bad science. It was outright fraud and falsified data. That's why it was retracted and the study author fired.

OP, tell your husband you did your research and he's full of 💩. You're in charge of all their care, anyway, so just get your kid vaccinated on schedule. It sounds like you are getting fast-tracked for divorce, so keep records of every wrong thing he says, everything he wastes money on, every appointment you manage, etc., so you can maintain custody and medical decision-making authority for your kids after the divorce.

If he notices that your kid runs a fever after appointments and questions it, just say something like, "Probably just picked up something in the waiting room, you know how germy kids are." Because, honestly, I'd just lie to him since he doesn't take an active role in parenting anyway.

[u/stronglikecheese → u/willwritefordough]

It really sounds like you’re already close to the end of your rope with this relationship, and from what I see here, for very good reason. You don’t have to make any decisions right now (except for the vaccination, and I think you already know what needs to be done there), but you absolutely should make a few appointments for consultations with divorce lawyers. There are probably some that will do low or no cost consultations (DV hotlines and shelters usually have a list. It’s ok if your partner isn’t abusive). Just start there. Find out what the legal options are: can you even legally take the children back to the US? Quite possibly not. What would alimony/child support likely look like given his income? How much money would you actually need every month to survive, since he won’t be spending any of it? That last one you can probably start researching yourself. If you trust your partner to more or less keep your kids fed and safe, a 50/50 custody split for the older kids will suddenly give you a surprising amount of breathing room in your life.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that you can start researching the nitty gritty of leaving your husband now, so that you have real information rather than a general panicked sense of “IM FUCKED.” Even if things improve in a year, you’ll feel better in the interim knowing what your real options look like. And if things don’t improve, you have time to slowly start making plans. There’s no reason to wait on the early stages. Doing this research and planning now is just the tiny first baby step. You don’t ever need to take any more steps. But if you get to the point where you do, this bit will already be started.

[u/Doughnut_Diva → u/willwritefordough]

Girl if you're not already you need to start doing cash back at every single grocery shop and stocking away some money. I was so close to homelessness and hunger when my ex who'd convinced me to give up my career because he'd always take care of me decided we were done.

[u/SpeakerCareless → u/Doughnut_Diva]

And buy yourself gift cards!!

[u/skabeel → u/willwritefordough]

Yeah it's actually disgusting be would say something like that

[u/Wonderful_Grass_2857 → u/willwritefordough]

Ah, so its on purpose how he's treating you. denying divorce, but keeping you on a short leash too.

you can get out. be smart about it. there are resources, there are possibilities. him dangling the kids over your head is a bluff.

[u/brittneyjlmt → u/willwritefordough]

Start planning now mama. I was a stay at home mom and I went back to school before I left my daughter's father. Finished a couple years after I left him, but during that time I lived off of student loans and worked part time, kiddo and I qualified for Medicaid and snap so that helped a lot. Now I'm a software engineer and make great money, and I do it all by myself (financially/mentally/physically)...it will take some time to build your life back up, but if you want to leave don't let all that deter you. Women are strong and capable and just straight the fuck up AMAZING.

Also, my daughter is almost 7 and was diagnosed with level 2 autism when she was 3. Her bio dad has been totally absent since we split when she was 16 months old. He found out about her autism diagnosis due to a court date and it being shared during that. First thing this low life did after we left the courthouse was email me taunting me about how my kid was a r*****.... girl. talk about wanting to set shiz on fire 🔥 😡🤬 anyways fuck him. My daughter did speech therapy, OT, and ABA for 2.5 years before starting kindergarten. Her music teacher just asked if he could submit her to the gifted and talented program for music. She's beautiful in every way. Perfect. and her autism has never kept me OR ANYONE ELSE who knows her from seeing that. My heart breaks for you and your baby, that your husband would even say that. Listen when people tell you who they are. Sounds like his love will always be conditional and based on what level of control he can have. Even if your child was autistic, your child would very likely be able to do anything that another child would be able to do...just with a little more love and care on your part. Never a reason for your husband to blame anything or anyone, or not want you or your child for it.

Sending you lots of hugs and love and strength a f***thisness ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[u/AngletonSpareHead → u/brittneyjlmt]

He put that despicable filth in writing?!?

Not to hijack the thread, but as a person with autism—fully employed, happily married, financially set, with wonderful friends and a darling neurospicy kid of my own—I wanted to say thank you for believing in your kid and putting in the effort and love. Thank you for believing in us, even though it’s surely a big lift sometimes.

Also, I am 5000% stealing ”f***thisness.” The range of applicability is….wide lol

[u/-Mihaela- → u/willwritefordough]

Vaccines don't cause autism, that has been debunked. Get your kid vaccinated, or your kid might actually end up with other diagnoses.

[u/bellegroves → u/willwritefordough]

I've been there. I moved back to the US and he kept the baby and then broke every visitation plan we ever made. Make a plan to visit your parents (family vacation, yay!) and then keep the kids there and send him packing with divorce papers.

[u/MOGicantbewitty → u/bellegroves]

Yup. Who's to say that OP didn't decide she wanted a divorce while on that vacation? Or just decided to extend it and then realized she didn't want to go back. Bam! Kids are with OP and they have their support system. If the husband makes the money, he can pay for the travel for visitation after a custody order is in place. Because if op went home, it's very unlikely she could afford the costs of travel to go see the kids or have the kids come see her. This allows both parents to be involved while having the primary caregiver maintain primary custody and have a support system. Because the husband has not been caring for the kids so far.

Just don't deny him access to the kids! Do phone calls and video calls! Make sure you document that you have not abducted them and are not trying to keep the father from having access, otherwise, you could be breaking and international law and the kids could be forced to go back to your husband's country. Take the kids to go visit your parents, and immediately go see a divorce attorney who has experience in international cases, then do exactly what they say.

[u/MajorFox2720 → u/willwritefordough]

Ripping the kids out of their lives right now is less damaging than living with a horrible man. Speaking from experience. 

[u/Diaryofdisquiet → u/willwritefordough]

OP, his words hide some many things.

Disabilities can come from anywhere. Genetics, accidents, old age, etc. He is literally telling you that he wouldn't be able to handle if anything happens to you out your children that would made you end up disabled.

Is that the person you want next to you? A person who's love is conditional on you or your children being able-bodied or able-minded?

Even if he's gotten brainwashed about vaccines, that specific comment should make you aware that you're not with someone that would be with you "for better or for worse".

[u/EnigmaticAardvark → u/willwritefordough]

Hey, if you're in Canada, you and the kids have some built in protections. 

Almost all provinces have very fair calculations for alimony and child support especially in the case where one partner has given up a career to care for the home/children.

I'm definitely not saying it will be easy, because it will suck every second, and I have legitimately seen parents quit their lucrative jobs to go work for cash under the table at a bar just to keep from having to pay child support.

But, there are programs in place for folks in your situation.

If you have internet access he can't see the history for, Google "your province divorce child support" and your province most likely has a page that explains how things work.

Some provinces even have a number for a government department where you can call to get advice on how divorces and custody and family law works in your province.

[u/thisisinfactpersonal → u/willwritefordough]

Talk to a divorce lawyer op. It may not be the answer right this second but know what your options/rights are. You may be entitled to spousal support.

[u/picking_flowers11 → u/willwritefordough]

You’re not fucked, this is a major hurdle for sure, just take things one step at a time. Talk to a lawyer first about divorce, moving and legal options. You do not have to figure out everything on your own, talk to professionals. Also, if you do need to move, know that your children are resilient. My kids have moved 5 times (including one international tour) in 9 years, and moving SUCKS but they know they can make friends anywhere. You need to know that YOU are their anchor. YOU are their home. If you need to divorce and move to the states, so be it.

Also, one of my children is autistic, and while life can be difficult, I would not trade her for the world. Your husband is an idiot, but at least a transparent one! At least he’s saying it out loud that he cannot be a good, loving parent to a neurospicy child. Better than discovering it on your own later, right?

[u/WildFlemima → u/willwritefordough]

Throwing aside the FACT that vaccines do not cause autism -

Tell him to leave now so you can start getting used to being a single parent.

Any of your kids could turn out autistic. Any of your kids could suffer a physical or mental injury that will make caring for them more complicated.

He just said he will bail if that happens.

Pre-empt this. You can't spend the next ~18 years waiting for him to leave.

Explain this to him and see if he has a lighbulb moment about just how bad it is that he committed to having children but will abandon them if anything goes wrong.

[u/mynamesnotkate → u/WildFlemima]

This is exactly what I thought. There are congenital things that occur at conception. Birth injuries happen during delivery. Injuries happen that change the trajectory of everyone's lives at any time. There are neurological conditions that make you think your child is healthy and well until suddenly they are 4 years old and neuromuscular regression makes them dependent on a respirator to breathe and they can't swallow or move so they are tube fed and wheelchair bound. 

Having a child is saying yes to taking on ANYTHING, not planning to bail of your child is anything less than perfect. 

The trusting antivaxx social media stuff is stupid. The bailing on a child for not being perfect is despicable. 

[u/funkoramma → u/willwritefordough]

So he’s isolated you from your family, keeps financial control and now is trying to manipulate you to put your newborn baby at risk. This man does not want a wife. He wants someone he can control. These are all signs of abusive behavior. I really hope you can find a way out, for your safety and your kids.

[u/HXamster → u/willwritefordough]

Get the kid vaccinated. You know what's worse than the autism (that won't happen)? The kid getting crippled for life or stuck in an iron lung because they catch polio. Or they get some dirt in a knee scrape and their muscles lock up so hard their bones break (tetanus). Oh, what about Deafness from Rubella? I know someone personally who became Deaf from Rubella, because the MMR vaccine didn't exist. Need I go on?

Get the kid vaccinated and tell him he's an idiot. Sometimes the people we love need to be told they're fucking morons. Go ahead and show him kids afflicted with everything the vaccines prevent, and ask him if that's preferable to autism (a genetic disorder).

[u/TheGeneral_Specific → u/Feisty_Turnover_7634]

This was the moment I realized divorce is the answer. Your husband just admitted he doesn’t love you or your children unconditionally.

[u/SeattlePurikura → u/TheGeneral_Specific]

A child can have a life-altering illness or injury anytime. This man has conditions and not unconditional love: he'll leave if he doesn't get perfection. OP has fallen into the trap of financial dependence and now he's revealing his true self.

[u/willwritefordough → u/SeattlePurikura]

100%. And like I didn’t fucking know better. I heard it endlessly from my own father growing up - don’t depend on a man for your livelihood and always have a bit of “fuck you” money. But did I listen? Noooooo. I’m so angry at myself for getting here.

[u/swfinluv1 → u/willwritefordough]

You can be annoyed that you didn't take action before but don't fall into the trap of being so angry with yourself about it that you fail to act now.

Like the saying goes, if the best time to do something was yesterday, the second best time to do it is today. We all do things we know we shouldn't... or don't do things we know we should. Give yourself some grace, let the past go and start planning for your future now.

I'm praying and rooting for you and your kids. Stay safe, doll!

[u/black_bere → u/Feisty_Turnover_7634]

Big agree. Honestly OP I know this isn't what you want to hear but this sort of feels like he's laying groundwork to go anyway? I can't imagine a dedicated dad and partner saying this sort of thing. I mean, it's just really unacceptable. Is he showing signs of stress or pulling away in other capacities? Does he threaten to leave often? It borders on emotional abuse to me

[u/HourGuidance1104 → u/Feisty_Turnover_7634]

This really gets me. As a now 30 year old adult who wasn’t vaccinated at all as a child, only to find out this year that I indeed have Autism. So no it’s definitely not the vaccines or the Tylenol, people.

[u/OrangeToTheFourth → u/Feisty_Turnover_7634]

Man. As an autistic adult who was an autistic kid... A lot of things about this "movement" make me sick but thinking I could have been born to parents who would have abandoned me (or would have preferred me dead on the chance bunk science could make me like this) for something I can't help makes me genuinely nauseous... 

All these people seeming to want kids so badly... But only perfect kids? I genuinely can't comprehend such selective love. Is that the ND of me struggling, or is it difficult for NT folks to wrap their heads around too?

[u/traumatized_bean123]

Vaccines. Do. Not. Cause. Autism. The guy (can't remember his name) got fired and lost his medical license and can't even practice anymore, because he was falsifying data to support his narrative. This is easily available information. Your husband needs to respectively get his head out of the sand. It has even been proven to be false numerous times. It irks me when people are willingly ignorant. I would follow the advice others have commented. I don't know enough about laws in Canada to help. I'm sending you all the good vibes and luck!

[u/VixKnacks → u/traumatized_bean123]

He also did the "study" on a group of his kid's friends at his kid's birthday party. I wrote a whole paper about it in undergrad for a science history class. It's absolutely exhausting that people do not understand how bullshit that entire article was.

[u/Mandaluv1119 → u/VixKnacks]

I was in grad school for epidemiology when this "research" was being widely discussed. On top of it being a case series (weak study design) and no one was ever able to replicate the results, it came out much later that he pretty much made the whole thing up.

[u/traumatized_bean123 → u/VixKnacks]

Holy hell, I didn't know that part!! That's even more insane.

[u/VixKnacks → u/traumatized_bean123]

Yeah. It's one of those things where theres VERY clearly a third variable at play -- autistic kids like to hang out with other autistic kids 🫠

[u/PinkyLeopard2922 → u/traumatized_bean123]

Nor does Tylenol, despite what your idiot neighbors to the south are being told. (I am one of such neighbors but maybe slightly less of an idiot because I knew that was malarkey from the getgo)

[u/Punchasheep → u/traumatized_bean123]

Turns out what causes autism is having a parent who eats the same thing for breakfast every day, doesn't understand social cues, and it intensely interested in a few subjects lol. (I am autistic btw, I'm not making fun of autistic people)

[u/ColoringZebra → u/Punchasheep]

Lol very true! My grandpa ate a bowl of oatmeal and 17 blueberries every day for breakfast before biking 20 miles. That kind of says it all.

Lots of autistic people in our family, not surprisingly.

In all seriousness though, ample studies have indeed shown that autism has a major if not exclusive genetic component, and I cannot understand why more people don’t get this.

[u/Casoscaria → u/traumatized_bean123]

Hbomberguy did a wonderful YouTube video that sums up the issues with that so-called study, as well as all the shady monetary gains ol' Wacky Wakefield got from publishing it in the first place. It's two hours, but it explains the whole thing extremely well. At the very least, getting a copy of the original study with it's big ol' RETRACTED on it and reading it to see how questionable it was in the first place may change his mind.

[u/squeakysausage → u/traumatized_bean123]

Funny how husband “doing his research” didn’t bring him to the conclusion that the study was bullshit

[u/Mandaluv1119 → u/traumatized_bean123]

Andrew Wakefield 🤮

[u/Sailor_Marzipan]

even if you don't get a vaccine you might end up with an autistic child?? sounds like man knows he needs to leave if he can't handle not having perfect children

[u/Sailor_Marzipan → u/Sailor_Marzipan]

also fwiw: my friend's ex-gf was a sweet girl and I followed her on socials after they broke up. She lived with her mom and her whole family was anti-covid, anti-vaccines, would post about how they're getting it and living through it fine.

The girl and her mom had a rare condition affecting nerves or something apparently, though it never affected the mom too bad. Apparently (from what I understand from their FB posts at least) getting covid basically triggered a bizarre immune response that exacerbated this existing nerve issue and she started developing tumors along her spine. She died less than a year later. Of course, maybe it would have always happened like that, but... ugh. Just take the shot. Modern living has deluded us into thinking the normal state of our bodies is beautific health as if we didn't spend 5 million years dying of flu stuff on the regular.

[u/holymolym → u/Sailor_Marzipan]

I didn’t vaccinate my first until he was 3 and he was still obviously autistic by 2! My subsequent children were vaxxed according to schedule lol.

[u/Aggravating_Try6537]

Your child comes first. Neither of you are scientists. Google is not the answer. Kid needs to be vaccinated. You need to start saving money because you will need to escape this relationship. toxic.

[u/Artistic-Baseball-81 → u/Aggravating_Try6537]

It would be generous to suggest this guy even googled it. At best he's just seen a few conspiracy videos. The problem is that if he's started engaging with that lots of other red-pilled content is going to be flooding his fyp.

[u/willwritefordough → u/Artistic-Baseball-81]

I told him this! Classic algorithm bullshit. You interact with one thing and it sends you ten more. He refuses to see reason. It’s maddening.

[u/mediocre_mediajoker → u/willwritefordough]

Hey OP jumping on to say the folks at r/sciencebasedparenting may be able to provide you with the resources/info that he is requesting since you don’t have time to gather it yourself. God speed, you are doing the right thing by still vaccinating your child.

[u/tarobeansmayo]

As a medical doctor, from a country that CAN'T AFFORD ANTIVAX mentality, because WE DON'T have the resources to counter act how bad these diseases that 1. Could be preventable or 2. Cases LESSSSSSSS severe thanks to vaccine, please please vaccinate your kids.

I lost a 2 year old patient due to measles. Her parents were NOT antivaxers. They just didn't care to go to begin with and "never had the time".

Canadians has NO business having that OUTRAGEOUS NUMBER of measles cases due to NOT vaccinating.

[u/i_am_soooo_screwed → u/tarobeansmayo]

I was gonna say, OP!  Ask him how well non vax is going for the US!  I hear the nostalgia diseases are having a resurgence!

[u/bandititt]

What the hell!!! Why is autism a deal breaker? I've seen victims of polio and how much it affected them. Indians rarely are anti-vax due to this reason because even the younger generation has seen the impact of vaccination.

Make him watch a video where a person has rabies. That will shut him up! Please get your child vaccinated.

[u/_matcha_cola_ → u/bandititt]

Yeah, he can’t handle his child showing signs of autism? What if the kid happened to have autism right out of the womb, then what? Would he leave then, or is autism only unacceptable when the vaccines “cause” it?

A man that isn’t equipped to love and care for his child no matter their condition is not a man you want to raise a child with.

[u/bandititt → u/_matcha_cola_]

Yes. OP is in a very difficult position. If it were me I would have left him. How can you give an ultimatum to your wife (who recently gave birth to your child) and threaten to leave the child, whom you're supposed to love unconditionally.

[u/Gold_Advisor_4758 → u/bandititt]

This is always what I say in response to anti vax people. If you got bit by an animal that was confirmed 100% to have rabies, would you want a rabies vaccine? And they all fucking would.

[u/bandititt → u/Gold_Advisor_4758]

I was in a govt hospital once and they have a dedicated rabies ward and it was heavily guarded. One of my childhood friends was a dr in that hospital and she told me after a time they no longer keep the victims in that ward because they are harder to control.

I am from a really backward state so anti-vaxs do exist where they believe that prayers will cure rabies. So, yes rabies is still a rampant problem in india.

[u/FunkyChewbacca → u/bandititt]

I hate to be the one to say this, but it sounds to me like OP’s husband wants out of the marriage and is using the anti-vax thing as the excuse (especially if this a new thing for him) Maybe he really is anti vax, but that time spent on his phone may not solely be devoted to anti vax rabbit holes. OP, is he suddenly more protective of his phone? Using a passcode on it when he never did before?

In any event, absolutely take that baby to get her shots. Let husband freak out over it later.

[u/MullberryBoy → u/bandititt]

Vaccines don’t and have never caused autism.

[u/Pepsiscrub]

Hi, so the fact that he’s saying that if your baby shows signs of autism, he will leave tells you that if anything happens to you down the line, if you get sick and in any way shape or form, he clearly will not be able to handle that and will leave. If were you, I would honestly start trying to figure out an exit plan or a way to support myself and be able to exit if I need to because this man is already telling you that you and your children are disposable on a dime.

[u/Chiquitita888]

Do it secretely and in the meantime find out where he gets his new beliefs from. Talk to other family members, have them talk with him about it, too. If nothing changes, you will have to accept that he might leave one day when he hears hat his kids have been vaccined.

What a stupid situation :/

[u/Cultural-Alarm-6422]

Show him the cases of measles and deaths associated with it popping up all over the place because of people like him, something we completely eradicated because of vaccines btw lmao

[u/inspaceandthyme → u/Cultural-Alarm-6422]

The state of Pennsylvania just declared some kind of emergency over measles

[u/Head_Act_585 → u/inspaceandthyme]

Can confirm...I hate it here sometimes

[u/BernieTheDachshund → u/Cultural-Alarm-6422]

I'm Gen X and we were all vaccinated. Things like measles, whooping cough, etc., were unheard of and were 'old timey' diseases that had been eradicated. My mom's friend had had polio as a child in the 50's, but other than her generation I never knew anyone who dealt with polio. It's genuinely scary to see all this antivax stuff get so prevalent that these pathogens are making a comeback. They should be more scared of the diseases than the preventives.

[u/MullberryBoy → u/Cultural-Alarm-6422]

Measles is the most communicable disease there is. It can kill and disable. It used to eradicated in the US but now it’s resorting due to the antivax idiots.

[u/Naive_Mango8525]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l4FGzcFBTSQfRtfhu

[u/cozie_bree]

Unvaxxed girly here (was born right around the start of the vaccines cause autism debacle and my mom decided not to get me any, brother is 4 years older and got his)! To your husband’s horror, I still have a touch of the tism!! Vaccines do not equal autism, and being autistic isn’t a bad thing!!! Go to the appt and get your baby vaccinated, there are so many people that are choosing to opt out it’s scary!!

[u/cozie_bree → u/cozie_bree]

also to add, I am vaccinated now as an adult😭

[u/Imagination_Theory → u/cozie_bree]

I'm vaccinated now, however, my parents were part of the very early anti-vax days from the 60's/70's and so, obviously I was never vaccinated as a baby or child or teenager.

I have ADHD and autism, I got it from my parents.

[u/itamer → u/cozie_bree]

Every autistic person I know got their tism bundled up in their dna. I'm probably the exception - can't work out which parent was the donor! My kids though, sorry guys, love you!

Ironically one of them played a severely autistic kid who was supposedly vax damaged on our country's medical tv drama and the storyline was promptly binned - a shame because it would have been a good opportunity to debunk the myth on primetime tv!

[u/GeneInternational146 → u/itamer]

Yeah, that's because vaccines don't cause it and never have

[u/spicymeatball707]

MOD PSA 🩺

Reddit is a great place for rants, rambles, advice, and hearing from people who’ve been through similar shit.

BUT — if you receive medical advice here, ALWAYS speak to a medical professional before acting on it.

Your fellow Reddit girlies can share their experiences, but they are not a substitute for a doctor. 🫶🏻

[u/hokiehi307 → u/spicymeatball707]

Please delete people spreading vaccine misinformation :(

[u/spicymeatball707 → u/hokiehi307]

Report those comments please 🙏🏻

[u/dragon34]

There is zero scientific evidence linking autism to vaccination and this would be non negotiable to me. 

Being antivax should be considered child abuse imo especially with measles cases rising.  

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8694782/

https://www.chop.edu/sites/default/files/vaccine-education-center-autism.pdf

[u/throawaymcdumbface]

I'd look up Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft 'cause I'm going to wager this is not the first problem you've had with a partner declaring he'll leave you if the child is autistic. free pdf is online somewhere.

You can ask r/legaladvice re: rammifications, specify region.

[u/doctor-wu-75 → u/throawaymcdumbface]

I had the exact same thought. This isn't about vaccines. This is a setup.

[u/Same_as_it_ever → u/throawaymcdumbface]

Free copy of that book as a pdf here: https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat

It's worth reading and might give you some insights. I'd recommend all women read this book. 

[u/pinkcloudsonmars → u/throawaymcdumbface]

Ding ding! "Suddenly" nothing is every "Suddenly"

[u/Academic_Mango5261]

His other two kids not having an issues with vaccines should be more information than google. Go get your kid vaxxed and maybe consider the single life.

[u/Left_Neighborhood796 → u/Academic_Mango5261]

I have a MAHA (🙄) family member who attempted to explain that the vaccines “nowadays” are different and that we get “too many” and “dont know what ingredients are being used”.

I’m literally a nurse. I think I know a bit more than they do…but I digress.

Your husband is an idiot. Measles cases are rising because of people like him.
Autistic people have always existed and will continue to exist. They didn’t have mental institutions in this country filled to the brim because we were all born healthy.

[u/willwritefordough → u/Academic_Mango5261]

You would think, right? He says they’ve increased the amount they receive even since our first ones were born eight years ago. I have no idea if that’s true or not.

[u/Burnt_and_Blistered → u/willwritefordough]

It’s not true

[u/CasuallyVexed]

vaxx that baby, you're doing the right thing, mamma! (thank you)

[u/SnooPies9342]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ep78UZy5FVbfN6mhCU

[u/Fuzzy_Improvement795]

Sounds like he doesn’t love the baby… or you…

[u/Euphoric-Mud-7922]

He want's out of this relationship and is looking for the most HORRIBLE excuses and reasons because his willy cannot support you emotionally.
Please believe him and act accordingly.

[u/bubblegumtaxicab]

Omg this was exactly me! He wanted me to present him with evidence that it’s safe and works but would reject any scientific papers or research. At that point this isn’t a battle of wits it’s a battle of will.

My kids are vaccinated but did so at a different schedule. We spread them out so instead of all at once I took babe 1x per month until he was caught up.

Sometimes the minds of men are so fragile. I thought of messing with his algo to have him served more pro vaccine content but honestly who has the time.

[u/willwritefordough → u/bubblegumtaxicab]

Solidarity, sister. It’s a shitty place to be, but it makes me feel better that I’m not the only one living in crazyland. If it’s a battle of the wills, I’ll win. I’m full mama bear mode now.

[u/After_Preference_885 → u/bubblegumtaxicab]

I thought of messing with his algo to have him served more pro vaccine content but honestly who has the time

Honestly if we took the phones off every idiot in our own families and did that it I wonder what would happen

[u/Cheese_and-Biscuits]

Kick him to the curb, anyone risking a child health because of their own ego and misunderstand isn't a healthy or good provider. Truly stupid

[u/kelsey1998]

Your husband is a redpilled idiot. Vaccines a miracle if modern medicine, they've reduced infant mortality from one in FIVE to just 5.6 deaths to 1,000 live births. Stand your ground and get your baby vaccinated on schedule as actual doctors and scientists recommend. Like you said, an autistic child is preferable to a dead one (not that vaccines cause autism in the first place)

[u/Jojos_Universe_]

Get rid of the man and get that baby vaccinated. If he’d leave because his child isn’t neurotypical he doesn’t need to be around anyways!

[u/ASK-gardens]

There's tons of research that already exists on why vaccines are effective.

You don't need to do the leg work for this, I'll do it for you:

1) A 2024 Lancet modelling study examined 50 years of vaccination against 14 diseases, estimating 154 million deaths prevented between 1974 and 2024, including 101 million infant deaths.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11140691/

2) Two doses of measles vaccine are approximately 97% effective at preventing measles. Look at the increasing child measles deaths in the states.

https://www.cdc.gov/measles/hcp/vaccine-considerations/index.html

3) Rotavirus vaccination substantially reduced childhood hospitalizations.
US insurance-claims research found marked declines in rotavirus-related hospitalization rates among children younger than five after vaccine introduction.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29444124/

The links are all peer reviewed findings. After he reads the studies in full I'd be happy to discuss them in depth with him if he needs more convincing.

[u/Mental-Respect-4306]

Hi, my kid is nonverbal autistic and had his vaccines! Believe it or not, id rather my kid be autistic than dead!
-edit: no I don’t think vaccines cause autism, I’m not uneducated.

[u/brielarstan → u/Mental-Respect-4306]

I have ADHD and my mom constantly worries it's because I'm vaccinated. Told her I rather executive dysfunction than the iron lung.

[u/stregagorgona → u/brielarstan]

“I’d rather have executive dysfunction than an iron lung” is an incredible clap back, I love it and am shamelessly going to use it

[u/brielarstan → u/stregagorgona]

She also insists my ADHD comes from lighting so many red candles in college (I think it's because I do like a good candle, and she also fears red dye). Even though my ADHD symptoms were prevalent throughout my childhood, hence my diagnosis.

Instead of arguing, I like to send her pictures any time I come across a red candle at the store with the caption "I'm going to snort this when I get home."

[u/LucidOutwork → u/Mental-Respect-4306]

There is no correlation between autism and vaccines and we need never imply that there could be

[u/Fun_Concentrate3250]

God I can’t believe how far we have come in terms of medicine and science for people to just turn their backs on it. Kids live past 5 years old thanks to vaccines.

Please vaccinate. This is about your child’s well being and society’s as a whole. Measles is making a comeback.

[u/Pangtudou]

I have been a stay at home parent for six years and recently went back to work. I told this to people all the time. Being a stay home parent is an incredibly vulnerable position financially. If your husband is not able to guarantee that he will support you financially for the rest of your life, you need to go back to work. Do not sacrifice your financial freedom. Alimony and child support will help, but it is very expensive to support two separate households and it will not last forever.

[u/Unique_Jackfruit7249]

I’m a medical historian and focus on vaccines. They are safe. The vast, vast majority of vaccine injuries are temporary (allergic reaction or a fever causing a minor seizure). Those are insanely rare.

The modern anti vaccine campaign more or less started with a British doctor named Andrew Wakefield. The guy wasn’t the medical superstar he wanted to be and got obsessed with trying to find a medical breakthrough. Specifically, he was convinced that measles caused inflammatory bowel disease. Eventually this morphed into him claiming the MMR vaccine causes IBD then eventually he switched to autism. He did a bad study, published a paper in The Lancet (later retracted) and got a bunch of attention. But there’s just no truth to it—vaccines have been around so long. They are endless studies.

Honestly, we need more vaccines. If people actually cared about health, we’d have the money and people to make a universal flu vaccine. But alas…

[u/Harmonechi]

I would actually divorce my husband over this. What a piece of shit.

[u/Tigger_Tinkerbell]

Aren't your two other perfectly healthy fully vaxxed children roof enough for him? I'd do exactly what you intend and take the baby for their imms in secret. Those first shots (as you well know) are so important. Actually, id go as far as to take his phone away.

[u/willwritefordough → u/Tigger_Tinkerbell]

I’ve told him he needs to get off of it and be more present for various reasons, not least of which is it seems to be poisoning him and changing him as a person. He thinks I’m being dramatic and that I’ve been brainwashed myself. It feels like an impossible divide.

[u/Glittery_Marshmallow]

He’s mentioned that if the baby gets vaccinated and suddenly shows signs of autism or other diagnoses he won’t be able to “handle it” and will leave. I’d rather have an autistic child than a dead one.

There is plenty od research - actual medical research, not tiktok influencers talking out of their asses - showing that vaccines are safe and do not cause autism. There is also proof that a single research that made the autism-vaccines correlation was intentionally manipulated and is wrong.

You know what does cause autism? Geriatric sperm, after cca. the age of 40. Funny how his right wing influencer never told him that.

[u/Icy_Gur8427]

seems like he cares about himself more than his kids

[u/bridgeport4]

Vaccinate your child.

Losing a child to preventable disease is much much more painful than losing a husband to his nonsense algorithm. Especially as you have other children at home, who will bring back all sorts of things with them.

For yourself, read up on heard immunity. This is the socially responsible thing to do.

Also it’s not your job to convince him. If he wants to go against medical guidance, he needs to convince you. (Do not engage in this conversation though, it will go nowhere.)

The threat to leave if your child is neurodivergent…whole other (ugly as fuck) can of worms.

I know you said you’re a sahm, but I hope you have your own funds and an exit strategy if necessary. If you don’t - start one. You don’t have to act on it, but you need to have it.

[u/dazzleunexpired]

Autism is genetic. The increase in autism is related to the fact that we are no longer locked up by our family and we do be fucking. Any correlation to vaccination is obviously false, especially because many unvaccinated children have autism. I know several of them. (The children that I know that are unvaccinated have a legitimate reason! They are why herd immunity must exist, not have shitty parents)

[u/kronicno_tele]

Dump the man, vax the kid, most countries need only one parent to consent.

https://giphy.com/gifs/l0Exbj8Kt6dQgq5Nu

[u/lesserDaemonprince]

It only takes one parents consent to get them vaccinated. Hope this helps. (I have three kids, my oldest is definitely more of a high needs autism, I'm more high functioning and in my opinion people are just born with their autism or lack of it)

[u/trebbletrebble]

Hbomberguy has a great and educational video on antivaccers and why all their arguments are wrong, as well as goes into the history of how this mentality started as a grift and why it's kept up to today. Send him the video and tell him to watch it all the way through and pay attention before bringing you this bs again.

https://youtu.be/8BIcAZxFfrc?si=NbdBbdL_HA1DNr7E

[u/Emergency-Song843]

Take your baby in secret. I wouldn’t even bother trying to educate him, that’s not your job nor your responsibility. Your job is to keep your kids safe, and you already know how to do that. I would make plans to leave when you can, because this will probably get worse. Antivaxxers are dangerous individuals in what they fail to consider.

[u/Reckoner08]

Girl, blow up your lives then. It's going to be hard, but it's for the absolute best for your kids, for you, and ultimately for your tinfoil hat partner who can retreat to his 4chan hellhole. He cannot be reckoned with and will only make this harder for you.

[u/melancholy_wolf]

I'm a big fan of Call the Midwife, and there's several episodes where people are chomping at the bit for a vaccine.

There's one episode in season 14 where a mother has a child who got measels and became severely disabled. She helps advocate for vaccines and if people today could see what the consequences were in the past, they would understand the importance.

But these anti vaxx people would rather have a déàd kid than a vaxxed one.

We've fallen so far from intelligence. We're a nation in fucking crisis because of angry loud uneducated people who call facts fake because they don't like it.

[u/CringeOlympics]

If you vaccinated your child in secret, you wouldn’t be the first person to do so. You absolutely should, by the way.

[u/DarkFantasy3421]

Before I say this, please know I mean no harm. I’m only stating facts as they stand.

Your school children are a walking Petri dish of contagion after spending 8 hours at school. They will absolutely (and completely unintentionally) put your unvaccinated newborn at risk if you give in to this man’s whims.

Parents send their kids to school sick all the time. Then those sick kids touch communal items and even each other/each other’s belongings. So of course your kids would come home covered in germs.

That can be a literal death sentence to a baby. They have not built up their immune system yet through vaccines and germs. Their little bodies cannot handle what their older siblings can.

Your husband needs to get off social media and get his head on straight. I agree with you: an autistic baby is better than burying a baby.

Speaking of autism, let’s talk about it. Vaccines DO NOT cause autism. Even in the 90s when I was born, doctors had tests to look for autism. Granted, they weren’t as sophisticated as they are now but the tests were there. Why? Because it’s genetics, not vaccines, that cause autism. Your husband needs to stop and think about that.

I agree with other commenters who have far more insight into Canadian healthcare than I do: take your baby to that appointment and get those vaccines!