FML
Ghosted after three amazing dates and intimacy
Meal is half of a sushi pizza and a zero-sugar Sprite.
TLDR: I fucking hate modern dating, and I wish people with avoidant attachment were legally required to wear bells around their necks like lepers. I hate being single, but I can never trust any guy who says he likes me and wants to keep dating me ever again š«
I started seeing this guy (26M) I met on Bumble, and we went on three amazing dates. We talked endlessly about everything, and the chemistry was like nothing I'd ever experienced. We went dancing, he took me out to dinner, and we spent hours at the beach. I'd finally gotten the courage to start dating again after being dumped with no explanation nine months ago. I thought, "He seems pretty emotionally stable. We really like each other. And he's a bit older, so he probably has more of his dating intentions figured out." Yeah, right.
He came over to my place last week, and we had a wonderful time. We were supposed to watch the first 'Lord of the Rings' movie together, and he even brought over this silly prop sword to show me. We ended up watching 'Arcane' instead because I'd never seen it, and he insisted it was really good. We slept together and then got takeout. He said he'd "miss me" when he went back to work and that we'd surely see each other again. I knew he'd be away for at least a week because he works long shifts on a boat.
I noticed a few days ago that he was taking a long time to respond, and his responses were getting shorter. He was still sending occasional pics of what he'd been up to. He apologized the first time he went "MIA," citing that the "air at work has been really weird." He said last Saturday that he meant to ask me out again, but his situation got complicated because his dad was in town. He'd already told me about this in person, so I said, "No worries at all. I know how important family and work are ā¤ļø." I then asked him how dinner with his dad had been. He told me where they'd gone to eat and that he had a good time. He hearted a picture I sent of the sushi pizza I was eating (the one I'm currently drowning my sorrows in). I'd already gotten this awful pit in my stomach and pulled an all-nighter due to an anxiety attack. But of course, I figured it would be pathetic of me to bring this up at all, so I said, "I'm so glad you had a good time with him š„°. I was starting to think that the boat had swallowed you again š." He read it and hasn't responded in over two days.
I've spent this time quietly crying in my room, with a pain in my chest, and trying to sleep the bad thoughts away. My worried parents keep coming in asking what happened, and I can't tell them anything. I kept the fact that I was seeing someone from them on purpose because it was too early and in case something exactly like this happened. And I had this guy over while they were away on a trip. I didn't want to get excited so quickly just for him to turn out awful. I'm devastated regardless, and my trust in men, which I spent so long trying to rebuild, is shattered once again.
Why can't people just be honest if something's changed? I know we haven't known each other long, and no one owes me a relationship, but it's so fucked up to suddenly pull away after so much was shared. This exact thing happened with my ex, and I thought the chances of it happening again were surely slim to none. Because like, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this kind of deception? All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to be in a loving, trusting relationship.
I want to send him a short, final message telling him how hurtful and confusing this lack of communication has been, but I know I might be shooting myself in the foot.
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It sucks for sure, but donāt text him about how heās hurt you.
Thereās honestly no point bearing your heart out to the guy who has made it obvious he couldnāt give a rats ass about how youāre feeling now that heās over things. Better you take what dignity he didnāt step all over like a welcome mat and block the douchebag without any warning.
A male friend told me this at 24 and it was a REVELATION.
Wasnāt over a romantic connection, I wanted to send this long paragraph to my brother about how much I was hurting due to stuff between us that was legitimately terrible (domestic abuse involved, kids involved, criminality, just the works).
Showed him the message and he said nah donāt bother. He wonāt even read it. Heāll open it and think TL;DR. And even if he read it heād just feel satisfaction you care so much and that heās got that power.
Iām 39 and literally just drafted a long message to send to a guy that I was going to send tomorrow. Rethinking that now.
Edit to add: The guy dumped me (for the second time) a week before my momās funeral, but āwants to stay friends.ā I wrote a long message breaking down why I didnāt want that. I do still plan to tell him that, bc itāll make me really anxious to not have closure since we see each other in shared spaces. But I reconsidered the long message, though, and instead drafted something short and to the point. He doesnāt deserve for me to be gentle with his feelings, bc he hasnāt been gentle with mine.
There is this awesome website called project unsent.
It saved me when I went through stupid heartbreak. You send whatever note you need to the one youāre crying over but it gets published anonymously instead.
It gets it off your chest and the urge to message them. I send dozens and they helped me heal.
There is this awesome website called project unsent.
It saved me when I went through stupid heartbreak. You send whatever note you need to the one youāre crying over but it goes to the void. It gets it off your chest and the urge to message them. I send dozens and they helped me heal.
Someone who can upset you they much had control over you -
no reason to let them know that. Be unflappable, be indifferent, or fake it or block till you make it.
I partially disagree with this. If you need to give him a piece of your mind, I say do it. However, do it knowing his response might be terrible or non-existent. I gave my ex a piece of my mind and he never replied and to this day Iām so so happy I did. I have no regrets about things I shoulda coulda woulda said to him because I already did!
Sometimes you send it for the pleasure of speaking your truth though. I donāt care about maintaining the good opinion/dignity towards someone who I wonāt see again or who mistreated me
I typed out such a long message to a guy once as a teen and just deleted it before sending and almost 20 years later Iām so glad I never sent it š It feels cathartic to write at the time but no good will ever come from sending it. For anyone feeling the impulse, Iād recommend writing your thoughts down to get it all out but erase/burn it afterwards!
Iāve had this happen (literally a Bumble guy too whoops) and I did end up texting him. I basically said, hey I know your xyz reasoning is bullshit so are you really going to ghost me? Itās fine if youāre not interested, but just let me know and I can move on with no hard feelings (I still think heās an ass but shhh). He answered me and apologized, said he got back with his ex and I said ok thanks have a nice life. Did make me feel better, but not immediately lolā¦
lol ok honestly I had a conversation with a guy who ghosted me after we ādatedā for like.. 2 months maybe. We never said we were exclusive but we were heading in that direction. To this day I donāt know how I guilted him into a phone call after he dropped off the face of the earth, but damn it was satisfying to tell him he sucked. š
I have definitely ghosted people when dating too, more-so when I was younger and a people pleaser who just hated to disappoint people. I grew out of that and learned it was shitty behavior.
I have sent messages after being hurt but I just wanted to get the thoughts out of my head. Once I've said my piece I block and move on. It feels like closure to me. š¤·š»āāļø
If it makes you feel better to send him a message by all means do it. Even if he doesnāt respond you at least said your piece. There are decent people out there, theyāre just getting fewer and harder to find. Hang in there, take things slow, and be gentle on yourself. None of this is because of youā¤ļø
Yep. If he doesnāt respect her enough to give an explanation or closure, he wonāt care about her text. He already knows what he did.
OP - Donāt provide him closure. Leave him hanging. Block. He doesnāt deserve to know. Plus, itās a reverse psychology tactic, because no response makes him think ādamn, maybe I didnāt hurt her and she didnāt actually like me.ā
But Iām so sorry. Not knowing why things happen is one of the cruelest aspects of the human experience.
Excellent reply from u/Pookdalouk. "He already knows what he did." And don't provide him closure---let him wonder. And I'm sorry this happened to you, girl.
I did (I actually called) and it turns out my phone was not receiving his messages (I verified when I saw him in person and looked at our thread on his phone). He thought I was blowing him off. Weāve been married 10 years.
I had 2-3 really good dates with several guys. Basically got love bombed by both I think. But yeah lots of "wow I really connect with you" and "I could really see us doing some of these things in the future" and "it's crazy but I'm feeling chemistry I havent felt in a long time" and then one guy said he wasnt sure why he said those things. The other ghosted me.
Men literally just like the initial spark and nothing else. Thankfully didn't sleep with either one of them. One guy definitely strongly suggested it and I said no.
Either way. I dont know. All I know is men literally just have no idea what they want or they do and are great at manipulating the situation.
Men literally just like the initial spark and nothing else.
This is what I am thinking. They can't seem to keep their mouths shut when they are having a good time, and seem to HAVE to say something akin to, "I haven't felt this way about a woman before" or "I feel like I have known you for so long, and we are still getting to know each other, this is so special." Whereas, women usually DON'T use that line because it comes off as CRAZY, but it's normalized as guys "opening up".
But really, they are just using absurd language to express that they are happy - while setting expectations about WANTING to try to date and being REALLY smitten. And then they blame the woman for thinking he wants to be her boyfriend when he KEEPS USING INTENSE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT, when all he wants is more casual fun. It's maddening.
I usually just smile with my eyes glazing over when guys say that, I take it as a compliment rather than sincere. That is HOW ABSURDLY COMMON that statement is. I am jaded!
I always tell people that like at least 70% of the time, if they think a woman is crazy they need to look at the guy they are dating first. Also referenced in "How I met your mother."
I know of this girl who got baker acted. Don't get me wrong when I met her she definitely did not look stable BUT she was being intensely led on by this guy who literally talked all the time about dating a girl just like her and letting this girl touch his stomach and decide his grooming look and stuff like that. Ew.
Anyways she ended up telling everyone she was in a relationship with this guy and became obsessed with him. Taking pictures of him and all while he was sleeping. Again, she was not stable but he was definitely playing into it A LOT.
Anyways he baker acts her in FL, and when he tells the story, he's just laughing talking about how she was just crazy. And I'm just thinking how much of a red flag this guy is as much as that girl.
I've had that too. I was very hesitant because I was dating younger for the first time. I was 34, he was 28. We had an amazing first date, so much talk about chemistry and connection after the second date, third date ended with us in bed.
What should have been the 4th date I basically got told that he really liked me but he could never introduce me to his family, because I'm trans, and despite previously telling me he was out as bisexual (not that one needs to be bi to date a trans person, but I've generally had better luck with out bisexuals), he clarified that he'd only come out to one or two friends.
So basically I was pretty and "passable" enough to meet in public, hold hands with, etc, but not to ever meet the fam. š¶
He ghosted me after that conversation for a year then texted to ask how I was. š I responded with, "Sorry, who is this?" Then blocked him.
Yep. Because if he'd led with that I probably wouldn't have even gone on a first date with him.
I literally told him at the start that I had previously been in a ... thing... where the prior guy I was involved with was all over me the moment we were alone but wouldn't even look at me around our mutual friends.
Mutual friends who'd have kept his "secret", btw.
I didn't need him to stand on a table and announce that he loved me, he didn't, for most of it. It was just sex for 95% of it and I was fine with that, I just wanted to be acknowledged as a human being when he didn't want to do mutually agreed upon, deeply disrespectful, wonderful things to me. š¤·š»āāļø
Then came the same shit, "I love you but my family would never understand, my friends wouldn't get it."
Meanwhile his friends were my ex boyfriend, the ex boyfriend's girlfriend, a dude I hooked up with at a bonfire one night, that dude's cousin who caught us, and a girl who routinely dated anyone who caught her fancy.
God, I did a lot of dumb shit early in my transition when I was desperate for attention and validation and also really hormonal. š¤¦š»āāļø
it's just very typical behavior exactly like what OP stated. I don't want to sound like victim blaming, but that's exactly why I don't really give it up anymore. I even put on dating profiles that Im demi and don't hook up and they usually think they can convince me through love bombing and act shocked they're not "special" enough. Like as if men talking online about how when women let them touch them they're forever tainted isn't a turn off? Anyways, you deserve to be loved out loud, or at least treated with respect and I wish that for you.
Wait a secondā¦how old are you? You said heās āa bit olderā and I personally wouldnāt consider 26 to be an older age, even when I was 26 myself. But then I took more pause when you said you live with your parents.Ā
Youāre obviously under 26, so I can tell you this: thereās a lot of your life ahead of you. Thereās no rush to be in a relationship, it wonāt complete or fulfill you. You need to find that within yourself and love yourself first.Ā
Iāve been looking for this comment for ages. I think OP moved a little fast. 3 dates isnāt that much to be so invested. Building a relationship takes time and people do get busy and have lives. She said heās on a boat with spotty signal and itās only been two daysā¦
If OP is sad or uncomfortable thatās totally legit and she should move on if two days of no contact is not acceptable to her, but for me, Iād still be feeling pretty casual after only three dates.
Hey girl. I lived home with my parents in my 20s too. I hated dating bc I had to hide it from my parentsā they werenāt religious or against dating or anything, but they would be all up in my business asking a million questions. At 23 I met my now husband who also lived home. At 24 I moved out my childhood home and into his (albeit a basement apartment but still). We lived there 3 years, until we could afford a one bedroom.
OP, as someone whoās been there, I encourage you to move out as soon as it is somewhat reasonable. Move into an apartment with 15 roommates if you have to do so to afford it. I really regret not living on my own before getting married. You learn a lot about yourself. Youāre also less likely to jump headfirst into a questionable relationship, bc youāre not quick to define the relationship so you can stop hiding it.
Good luck. You have youāre whole life ahead of you, forget this guy
Yea donāt send him any messages and if you have to, block him. He should never hear a word from you again. Also so sorry to hear that things turned out this way. In the future withholding intimacy is a great way to weed out the evil no good bad men.
THIS āthe trash will take itself outā women use sex to get love, men use love to get sex. If you withhold sex in the beginning it will help clear out the men who are only in it for sex. You are the prize not sex. Three dates is not long enough for that man to deserve your tears. Dry your eyes and stop giving your heart over to men who donāt deserve it
100% in favor of women doing this. So many veils would drop so quickly, so many true colors would be revealed so much sooner. And women would be able to guard themselves that much better. I would love this for us.
This is sage advice, really. There is nothing like realizing you were used and then dumped. He was a smooth talking Joe and none of it was real. Weāve all been there, sweetie. The important thing is to always remember how bad this feels the next time sex comes up too early in a new romance. Iād try focusing dates on activities you do together in public that lets you see how he responds to things in real life. Meet his friends. For all you know he could be married
I second this. Thereās been a few men I havenāt slept with for that reason and they always leave decently quick. It hurts but also saves you from more hurt in the future. :(
But I liiiiiike sex - why can't I just have respectful men who treat me like a persoooooooonnnnn??? It would be better for everyone
It's so stupid. Getting ghosted is so shitty. Usually when I would have what I thought was a fantastic time, I'm like, Clearly this man is stupid, because I am a fantastic dream of a wonderful woman.Ā
Agree, though this doesn't mean you did anything wrong, OP. It sounds like it might mean you feel more hurt, though, so waiting might help weed more guys out with less hurt. It makes sense youre hurt and disappointed. Im sorry and you deserve better
Edit: thanks for the award!
That is so important to point out, Wanderlust. OP did nothing wrong, she just was following her heart and thatās a positive thing. We live thru these things and we learn.
I know it sucks and it hurts, I am a woman about 10 years your senior so I have been through this more than once. Age and wisdom taught me that actions over words are what matter 1000% of the time, ESPECIALLY when it comes to men and dating. Also, this might not be what you want to hear right now, and I know it's not going to help you feel better, but at a certain point you have to realize that there's only one way to truly avoid this situation... no intimacy or relationship type activities until a relationship has been established. I know it felt good and seemed right and you believed that he meant what he said, but unfortunately many men will take advantage of your trusting nature and say everything you want to hear to get what they want. You can avoid this by not giving it to them until you've gotten what you want. I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in, and I told him under no uncertain terms when we were in the early stages that there would be nothing resembling a "relationship" (sex, sleepovers, etc) until we were committed. He was actually pleasantly surprised, told me how much he admired and respected my communication and logical thinking, and he continued to treat me with love and respect despite knowing he would not be getting in my pants anytime soon. I let him pursue me and date me until he told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and I'm pretty sure he told me he loved me around the same time. Shortly after is when we had sex for the first time and it's been amazing ever since. My only regret is not setting these boundaries for myself and doing this earlier in life. So now I feel the need to share this with all the younger women I know (or read from Reddit lol) because I truly think this is the best way to date, unless you yourself are just looking for casual sex then of course it's fine to do that whenever you feel ready. But I wanted a relationship and I wanted a commitment, so I was not willing to give up any part of myself until I received all of that
As much as I FULLY agree that communicating that you're not looking for a hookup is crucial - that also means following through, because if you waiver on that AT ALL they will absolutely walk all over you.
In addition - I do worry about the guys who specifically take it as a challenge to make a woman think they're actually committed- who pull this same shit after they get the "prize" even if it's taken a month or two.
Good god, I'm so glad I'm out of the dating world. So glad.
In addition - I do worry about the guys who specifically take it as a challenge to make a woman think they're actually committed- who pull this same shit after they get the "prize" even if it's taken a month or two.
That's why "committed" needs to not be a date on a calendar. It needs to mean something like, "I know your friends, your parents, perhaps even some of your siblings, because if you try to dip on me, there will be social consequences."
Exactly. I wouldn't have even agreed to be his gf if he hadn't committed in those ways along the way. He took me to an event w his family on our 4th date... basically he proved through actions he was serious
I had a guy once that I met his dad about three weeks in. We spent three days hanging out with his dad, going boating, out to dinner, showed him around our town... And then he promptly ghosted me like 4 days after his dad left.
I'm still so grossed out by the fact that I put up with that fucking behavior from someone who was a good 16 years older than me and had already been married and divorced, had three daughters, and swore up down left and right that family was everything to him and that he wasn't looking for a hookup...
I was at my friend's bar a couple weeks later for a birthday party and I see slimeball walk-in with the very same girl that he had CLAIMED that he had broken up with 6 months earlier because she was "crazy" and that she had stalked him and threatened him and cause all kinds of problems for him at his job.... Yeah. And I even fell for the shit when weeks later we ran into each other again, he repeatedly and thoroughly apologized - insisting she had shown back up, was acting threatening and insane and had found out about me (that much was true- she did actually call my job and tried to report that I was "sleeping with her husband" to my supervisor)- but he insisted he had gotten her BACK on a plane to California and had gotten her back with her family who was getting her "real help".
He swore that he'd only ghosted me while he was trying to get her "under control" and "for my own protection" because she had waited until I left and then suddenly showed up at his door with photos and my plate #, threatening to kill me, and threatening me and him.... For SOME insane reason, and because he "showed me" a bunch of "proof" on his phone (videos of her screaming and threatening him, the cops being called, emails and photos she sent him of my car at his apartment.... I believed him and all those red flags, I gave him one more chance ..
He ghosted me again and CALLED ME on the phone with her days later - telling me to never bother him again because he's with her and he never wanted to see me again and I meant nothing to him and he needed me to know what.
What kind of 40+ year old FATHER OF DAUGHTERS - not to mention a COP - behaves like that....
(Well I can tell you one Hillsboro County Deputy who did....) I sincerely hope you've gotten your shit together Dep Davidson. Because you were the biggest pile of red flags and I young and WAY too trusting.
The dating world is absolute hell ladies. I wish all of the single chicas out there all the luck in the world because man if they're is a shitty man out there- there's tens of thousands more just like him. No matter how crappy the situation is that you come across it feels like there's millions of women who can commiserate.
That really sucks, I'm sorry you went through that. Certainly my method is not fool proof but at the very least, even if I were to have been screwed over or lied to, I would at least walk away knowing that I didn't give him my life force which at least for me is the main driver that gets me attached and invested. Not that there's anything wrong with sleeping with a man that you're not committed to, but that was hurting me personally so I know that at the very least if I hold to my boundaries I might be lied to and hurt, but I will never give them what they want until I receive what I want
I was in a serious relationship with a man for about one year starting when I was 19. He was close to my age, but about a year older.
He borrowed a bunch of money from me in the form of credit card purchases and never paid me back. He promised and promised. And finally, he would say, "That's all you care about, is money, isn't it?" All I wanted was for him to pay back what he owed me.
He ended up breaking up with me, telling me I was selfish and immature. I called his mother and told her what he'd done. He still never paid me back, but at least she knew. Almost thirty years later, that scumbag still owes me, plus interest and inflation!
I dated a really nice guy. I ended up breaking his heart but it was for the best. He is an amazing guy still and I wish him nothing but the best.
Anyway his friend -roommate was and is a POS. He would date women and string them along would even get engaged then ghost women. One of them ended up filing a police report and they had to let her know he didnāt want to be bothered. Such a horrible POS of a human. How can you sit there make plans to get married have kids etc and then just poof vanish. I hope his dick fell off.
Right... I figured that was implied. After I said I would not hookup or sleep over until a relationship... I did not. I was serious and he knew it. So we did not do anything like that until AFTER he asked me to be his gf and told me he loved me (that last part was not a requirement but it helped and showed me HE was serious too). Now of course, he could've just unmasked and become a different person after he 'got what he wanted', thankfully he didn't, but part of my boundaries included knowing when to walk away no matter what
As a 32F, I found your advice, unfortunately, to be 100% true. Ive even had men mask themselves just to get in a relationship with me for validation and then treat me like shit once they got their exclusive rights to me. It's wild out here.
Perfect, love when the trash takes itself out. Those will be the type of man who even if they did commit to you would treat you like they were entitled to your body and sex from you at any time. One of the upsides to making them wait is knowing that they are OK without getting sex constantly, which shows good self discipline and a more evolved male in my opinion
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is tough to hear, but you're right. I think I spent so long convincing myself that my body was my only asset and that sex would only lead to more trust with these men. I really should have known better. It still hurts like hell.
I have an amazing relationship with my husband, and I took a similar approach, but I did not state my intentions. I just did not have sex with him or stop dating other men (none of whom of course I was intimate with either) until he wanted to commit and be exclusive to just me. And even then, we didnāt have sex for a few more days because we were not yet going to each otherās homes. I donāt recommend doing that, because itās a great way to get yourself into a situation where youāre being pressured to have sex or are super tempted to abandon your principles. I feel like stating your intentions can come off as a challenge to someone, and so instead, this is just you having a boundary and holding it. Any man who canāt respect that can go find someone else.
My husband treats me like a queen. He is an honorable and genuine man who follows through on his word and who respects and cherishes me.
Ooo yeah that too! I didn't even give him my address or let him come to my home/pick me up for dates (despite him really wanting to pick me up) until we were more serious. And he wasn't even really a stranger. We kind of knew each other. I knew I wasn't in danger. It's just a privilege to be invited into my home and he had to earn that
Most of us have had to learn this same lesson the hard way. It sucks. I used to think my only value was sex it that it was the one way to get love. It took 10 years of dating and heartaches to finally find a guy that treated me respectfully. 10 years later, we are married and have an awesome kiddo together. It all comes together when you respect yourself enough to hold some boundaries and demand more out of these crusty dudes.
So, bury your sorrows in some pizza and goodies but don't let it kill your vibe. Move on to the next. There's tons of guys out there and you'll have to kiss some shitty frogs before you'll find the right one. Good luck girly!
Quit beating yourself up, you already did better, by your own admission. You waited a little longer to have sex, you were trying to pay attention to his words and you wised up to the situation so quickly. Youāre doing better than a lot of us did at your age.
But, like all these lovely ladies have said, unless youāre just looking to get a nut(and if youāre a lady who catches feels real quick, donāt go for seconds), donāt be having sex until you get some commitment. Watch their actions, the words not so much. Does he set up concrete dates, does he plan what youāre going to do, does he respond in a timely manner, does he text appropriately and at appropriate times. Does he keep his communication clean and not sex or looks based? Does he have cute, not sex coded, nicknames for you? Does he seem eager to spend time with you, even if itās just grocery shopping?
The words are important in that they will absolutely tell you who they are and quickly. It will usually be a quick line about something, but they almost always spill it. Beware of lovebombers or anybody trying to push the relationship further than it feels it should be. Anything that gives you a moment of pause or feel an ick in your gut will tell you all you need to know. I fucking wish I knew this at your age.
But, believe it or not, you should be so proud of yourself. You did really good.
"You waited a little longer to have sex"... she had spent a few hours with him three times. How is that a little longer?! Longer than what? They are strangers still.
OP, just mourn it a little bit and do your self care, and then get back to it when you feel ready. Unfortunately, you have to make these guys wait so the assholes bounce early. It's not a guarantee but it helps.
That guy sucks and he's 100% going to come out of the woodwork to hit you up one night. He will give you a really annoying excuse and will swear by it. He will seem so earnest that surely the energy on the boat was just so weird that of course he couldn't text you back. Be ready for this. Hopefully you will do one of two things 1) don't answer him - block or 2) tell him how you really feel and then block.
He's an asshole OP. I'm really sorry. We've all been through it unfortunately.
I legit just typed the identical message! It doesnāt matter how nice, dreamy, or pleasant DO NOT DROP YOUR KNICKERS for these dusty untrustworthy men.
Right! Unless you're down for casual sex which is totally fine. I just got to point in my life where I realized that I either wanted to be in a committed relationship, or having no sex at all. All decisions are valid but you gotta know what you want and stick to your boundaries in order to get it
How long did it take to get a commitment. I am doing the same thing now. Thereās actually a lot of research that sex early on bonds women but actually makes men run in the opposite direction. Testosterone release v. Oxytocin.
I know what you are saying, but when I followed this advice many years ago, I built a relationship with a guy before we had sex, like you are supposed to. He was the perfect match for me at that point in life and we just knew we would stay together. Then we had sex. It wasn't good. But what do you do at that point? Because I got married to that guy anyway. I mean ... he was perfect for me, wasn't he? Needless to say, it was not a happy marriage and we got divorced when the kids grew up.Ā
This is how I learned about the importance of sex. When I got free, I never wanted a relationship again and met a few people just for sex. By the end of the summer there was this one guy where I was like, whoa, this was perfect, what's your name again? We are married now and growing old together.Ā
To each their own. As for me, I would never consider getting emotionally attached to a person again without taking them for test ride very first.Ā
I agree with this. Iām older and I definitely had a good time when I was younger and no judgment. Sleep with all the people you donāt see a future with you want to. If you really like someone, hold off. If he feels the same, heāll stick around. Always assume that anyone you sleep with, youāll never see again.
Don't make excuses for him. He doesn't have any mental disorder. He just did what he does for every girl. I don't even believe he's local to you, might be a traveling job and he just lied out of his ass.
I was once recounting a very odd relationship Iād had when I was quite young, that I ended because his behavior was weird. No idea why, he just behaved stranger and stranger until I dipped out.
Yup, I had a guyĀ pretendĀ to be my friend for two whole years. He just wanted to fuck me, when I said no (I had a boyfriend and he knew it so I found it very disrespectful to even ask me) he dropped me like I never existed. At 24 I learned guys can be very good actors. He contacted me some time after and apologized for "disappearing" and I answered him to not worry and thatĀ I didn't even notice š¤£. Never heard of him again.Ā
Definition of hit it and quit it. He got his sex and dipped. Fucker. Probably on a business trip and has a wife or something.
I had this happen to me before. We would text nonstop and then he'd ghost me for days. I would feel so desperate and fucking PATHETIC for trying to initiate even the most basic conversation. He might grace me with a thumbs up or a "lol" but that was it. He had all the power. I felt like I was groveling for attention. But then the week would pass and like a light switch, back to the constant texting and hearts and setting up dates. I was on his schedule.Ā
Turns out, those periods of radio silence were when his long-distance girlfriend of 5 years was in town and he couldn't risk her seeing him text me. Oopsie daisy! I went from feeling sexy and wanted to feeling like a sex toy the instant I saw her Instagram (which he did a fantastic job of hiding his relationship on). I felt so used. Above all, I hated how it felt like a game of "Am I trying too hard?" Like in retrospect, I should've dipped the moment he first ghosted me.
I messaged the girlfriend about it and she never replied. The cheater never texted me back after that either. They're still together and have kids. I hope for the kids sake, the parents figured their shit out.
Ever since then, I promised myself I would never ever feel like a man has the upper hand over me. That's not what dating is about. It seems obvious reading, but it's so much harder after you've been showered with affection and you start falling for a guy, only for him to ghost you.
Girl, say nothing and move on. Best advice i can give you is don't give a man this much of your time within 3 dates. Its a tactic men use so that you feel close and you bave sex with them. (Lovebombing) when u meet someone take it slooooow and not just with the intimacy. Also older men are absolutely not it. Don't even wanna know what the age gap is...
If the girlies forced themselves to move slower, ESPECIALLY when you're excited, ESPECIALLY when he's being super sweet, you will learn ~at the speed of trust~ whether or not what you're feeling is reciprocated.
And the real tea is that if you slow down in the early stages of dating, you'll probably realize that you're also projecting onto him, and you'll be better able to see what you actually want/what you're avoiding in your own life when you throw yourself into new relationship energy.
I'm an old head in a healthy marriage now, but it took me a decade of therapy and lots of self reflection and self control to realize I was setting myself up to be disappointed by rushing into things instead of taking my time.
Been there and it's terrible. I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
For what it's worth - this might be slightly toxic advice but the book Attached literally recommends it so I think it's worth saying - if you know yourself to lean on the insecure attached end of the spectrum, and frequently gravitate toward anxious avoidant guys... there's a lot to be gained in dating multiple people at once. That doesn't mean poly or non-monogamy -- just engaging in a few conversations at the same time on dating apps, going on a few first dates within a few weeks... it makes it so much easier to brush off a shitty guy, AND (while slightly toxic), tends to make these anxious avoidant men go CRAZY.
All that being said, I dont think this is a guy that's worth your time or energy. But it can be a nice feeling and sometimes we gotta be a little selfish too š š»
You know, I had this exact thought after our first date. I figured, "Why put all my eggs in one basket, even if this date was great?" But then I thought that if he found out, he'd be hurt, and that I should probably invest all my energy into one person at a time š¤” . Once I'm ready to date again, if that ever happens, hopefully I'll take the appropriate measures to avoid getting hurt like this
Iām being so fr online dating calls for this. I was in a similar situation to you where I was only talking to one person at a time and I kept getting hurt similarly to you. BE THE BITCH. Online dating is tough and having multiple people to talk to REALLY helps.
Maybe dude is annoyed because of the passive aggressive text OP sent. I love that everyone is very supportive here, but I donāt consider āI was starting to think that the boat had swallowed you again šā not bringing it up???? It was brought up, but in an passive aggressive childish way. Would have been better if OP just said āhey, Iām disappointed in you texting so littleā or saying nothing - but if OP decides to say nothing they please actually say nothing.
Yeah I agree. And everyone is villainizing the dude, but if he works on a boat doing labor he likely is doing very demanding work and has little free time. I know people who work on boats fishing and the days are long and busy.
ā¦ chances are he was only looking for a hook up situation and was manipulating you so he can get that. Or he has another relationship and is cheating on them with you. Please donāt say anything to him and just move on and heal yourself and how old are you?
This is literally what ALL guys on dating apps do. They go after the girls who want a relationship, they love bomb in the beginning to get laid and they ghost. Every. Time.
Girl, Iām sorry. This is literally why I stay single. Been single for 6 years and counting. Guys these days will pretend to be so interested and like they really like you and how youāre so special then as soon as they sleep with you, they just disappear into the wind. I got off dating apps, and stopped trying to even put myself out there for dating. Best decision of my life.
Itās not all men and of course doesnāt always lead to this but in my experience every single guy i slept with outside of a relationship would ghost/ decide they didnāt want to have a relationship anymore š It was genuinely frustrating. Once again not always the case but i noticed theyād always get distant after sleeping together and shorter and less frequent responses ugh i do not miss those days and I hope you heal from this guy bc he sucks and heās lame
I think sometimes we get emotionally attached to an idea of an guy and a relationship with them. I know it hurts, but you only been out with this man 3xā¦no man should have this much control over your emotions, especially this early on. You have to charge it to the game and move forward.
Edit: didnāt mean to post this under this commentā¦
Honestly, same. I spent 16 years single while I did inner work. I would go through periods of loneliness and would get on the dating apps. This is exactly what would happen. So I figured I just needed more work.
I finally hit a point where I was ready. I felt grounded within myself, and had learned how to love myself. That was all I needed. I knew that I could have healthy boundaries, and not let anyone continuously cross them, like I had done in the past. I've now been with my partner for 2.5 years, and we have big plans for our future!
Itās ok to feel too much too fast. It hurts. Itās going to hurt. I think heās a jerk and would not send him a final message. Just stop communicating. Iām sorry this happened. I feel youā¦ big time. Remember you did nothing wrong. He just turned out to be a š¤”.
True. It just took so many months of pure misery for this to happen after my first attempt, so it's hard right now not to feel immense regret. But I will certinaly not be reaching out again
I had a really nice sleepover with a guy last year. He was surprised that I seemed to like him even though he was balding and shorter than me and then just never opened whatever last random message I sent 6 months ago. Doesn't make sense. He was self conscious about meeting women because is his hair and height but then ghosts the woman who very openly says she likes him and his self-perceived flaws
I used to think insecure or men who were less conventionally attractive were considered safer. This is rarely the case itās usually the opposite. Insecure men have no issue using women for an ego boost. Their feelings and crisis trump yours. Even if you sleep with them and everything they will consider it a fluke and then seek out other women to make sure it wasnāt. Their insecurity is a bottomless pit and they will drag you down into it until you are as insecure as them, constantly questioning yourself.
Fucking you was always his end goal. Now that he got what he wanted, heās on the hunt for his next āconquest.ā
Iām so sorry to have to tell you this, because I know how much youāre hurting, but after you heal from this, please let it be a valuable learning experience:
There is absolutely nothing, and I do mean nothing, men wonāt do just to get in your pants. Theyāre absolutely vile š¤®
when someone sets out to deceive you and succeeds, thatās not because you failed somehow. an open and trusting heart is a vulnerability that some people will try to exploit, but is also a great asset to your relationships (all of them, not just romantic)
Girl. I get it. But you need to chill the hell out. Liking someone you just met is one thing, but not sleeping, crying all day, and putting yourself down without any form of actual direct āIām not interestedā messaging is wild.
For one, itās terribly unhealthy way to begin any relationship with anyone like. You canāt force expectations, past experiences, and imaginary experiences to a person - especially one you really donāt even know.
For two, if you havenāt already, I sense a very paranoid-overly-personal-awkward-accusing text message youāre about send over his way - for the love go glob, donāt do that. Donāt be that person.
Itās the exact thing that will drive a person away - fast!
For three, maybe staying single for awhile until you figure out your self confidence and past relationship issues would also be best. Youāll set yourself up for a better, healthier relationship in the future that doesnāt involve you settling or worse.
They don't become more mature with age. Just better at manipulating. Glad I got out the dating pool when I did. My friends send me the guys they're talking to and the average guy on apps is a POS
I have been there, and in no way am I shaming you when I say this -
Do not sleep with people this early if it means this much to you. I also had to learn this lesson. Iām a big āif the chemistry is there letās seeā kinda gal, and I had to realize that this was harming me. I do not create intimacy with a person early, bc if the next day it ended, Iād feel terrible. I promise youāll be okay! And find the right one.
When he comes back (they always, always do) do not engage or respond. You need to give some time to people to back up what theyāre saying or doing. Donāt even text him now, youāll regret it
i second this, especially when it comes to intimacy. if someone knows they get attached then that person should tread carefully when it comes to new relationships. i had to learn the hard way
Now Iām a hard nosed MF but even Iāll say that sometimes itās just not that simple. Esp if youāve been in a long dry spell and had started to give up on thinking your person could be out there. Then you meet someone who ticks off all of the boxes but then itās ends up not working out for one reason or another. That shit hurts man
Yes exactly. OP went on 3 dates with a dude she literally doesn't know and is falling apart over it.
As a certified "old" I realized part of what made no relationship work out for me when I was younger was my utmost desperation for someone to love me. I was trying to BE someone who they would love instead of just being myself and using DISCERNMENT to find someone who was compatible with me. The difference between me and "that girl" that so many guys wanted was the fact that she literally did not give a shit if they liked her or not. She was confident, had friends, had priorities, career goals, and never put a man above them.
Stop begging to be loved and figure out ways to love and respect yourself. Quit making yourself so available. You will end up naturally not caring about men like this and not falling into these traps of giving up intimacy.
So, I'm going to just sort of go on a different track here and say that 2 days isn't necessarily 'ghosting' when someone is out working on a boat. There could be actual legit reasons why he hasn't responded; maybe weather, maybe lack of cell service, that sort of thing. I've known people who work on boats, and it's VERY demanding work that can require 100% attention and focus, even in this day and age when we expect instant replies to texts.
If he hasn't responded back in, say, a week, then maybe start to get concerned. And that's a good idea to not jump to negative conclusions and send him a 'wtf???' text yet. Because if there's good reasons why he hasn't been able to respond, you don't want to sabotage a relationship with a connection like that.
And yeah, maybe I'm just being an optimist. But it's not like I haven't been around the block a time or three...I'm 55 now, so it's not my first rodeo. š
Thank you! I work on a boat and reading all the comments made me feel like I was taking crazy pills. I don't know what kind of work he does but two days in my industry is nothing, time moves differently if you're on the water working round the clock (again, that's my experience in my industry so his situation could very well be entirely different). Also makes me feel like I'm screwed when I get back out there if this is what the expectations are these days š¬
Yes. As a fellow Gen X, Iām so confused about the desperation and definition of ghosting when itās only been 3 dates and 2 days of him not responding to a passive aggressive text.
Agreed, no hate to OP, but I think itās a bit ironic that girlie went on a lil spiel about people with avoidant attachment when sheās very much giving anxious attachment lol. I think 2 days without a response is perfectly normal. Sometimes things come up, especially out at sea like that. It doesnāt seem like itās been long in this relationship at all either, but if he truly does ghost, OP can absolutely slime me out because I donāt know the guy.
My own partner and I donāt text each other everyday or even 2-3 days depending on how busy we are. Itās usually family obligations or work deadlines, and weāre secure enough with each other that we donāt need to microdose energy depletion by sending each other daily updates. I get this doesnāt work for everyone though.Ā
I wish I could like this more than once. I'd hate for OP to cut off what could be a good relationship over 2 days. Give him a little more time before making a decision, people get busy.
I'm glad someone said it. 2 days isn't ghosting š she should see what happens after a week or so. Then communicate with him & ask him what happenedĀ
Younger women watching too many ig reels or YouTube short advice on dating. Compatibility and standards are becoming the same for everyone.
Edit: Same can be said for men. Not saying that there arenāt actual red flags in people and not to protect ourselves. But many too quickly jump to conclusions. Especially with dating apps
You guys have only been on three dates and you saw him last week. This guy works on a boat and his dadās in town. I feel like youāre jumping to conclusions that heās gonna ghost rn. Some people arenāt on their phone all the time. Reach out to him to make plans!
I know people here are calling this guy shitty and I want to also support that you are hurting right now, but I think itās important to address that your own attachment style is a problem. You say you hate being single. Why? If you canāt find happiness/fulfillment on your own you are always going to be looking for your partner to make you happy/fulfilled and this will have complete control over your emotions. You very clearly have an anxious attachment style and I donāt think dating is going to be a good experience for you until youāre able to work on that and go into dating without the mindset that you need someone.
I didnāt read the whole thing. I stopped at āI hate being singleā. You need to stay single until you can change that to āI am ok being singleā. Not even āI like being singleā just āIām okā. Donāt ever put yourself in a position where another person controls whether or not you are happy in life. Make your life rich with friends and family who are not romantic partners. That way, when you find the one, they enrich your life - not make it whole.
Yeah OP seems to possibly have attachement issues and unrealistic expectations. Also some people donāt like to text daily especially if nothing is new.
Definitely donāt text him. But Iām really sorry youāre going through this. Iāve been in this situation a couple times and it has absolutely nothing to do with you. I donāt understand why people who just wanna hook up lead intentional daters on. Like I am still trying to wrap my mind around what drives that behavior. Because itās so cruel. It feels like theyāre seeking a sense of control almost? Or maybe theyāre just too pathetic to communicate that they didnāt feel like it worked out. Either way, that guy is not worth your time or energy. Write everything you want to say to him, but donāt send it, because he doesnāt deserve a single bit of your energy anymore.
I'll never forget this story my friend who was on the apps told of me of this guy who similarly acted like they had a magical connection, they went on several dates and he ended up spending the third one at her house for a weekend, staring into her eyes and saying "what is happening?" in wonder like he was amazed at how he was falling in love. ghosts her, she posts him on the facebook are we dating the same guy group, and multiple other women tell the EXACT same story. He'd go on several dates and love bomb them then act like he was falling in love, to the point of saying "what is happening?" in awe to multiple girls, then ghost. He was getting off on watching these women become attached to him once he "fell in love" because I guess it made him feel powerful to know he could effect them?? but the fact it was like an intentional strategy and not even just about sex but about having that power trip really made me aware how many psychos there are out there. and He seemed totally normal.
You're totally allowed to feel how you're feeling. But no one should be able to hurt your feelings this much after three dates and one romp. It's not healthy to invest so much of yourself into someone you barely know. This should feel more like a "well.. that sucks.." situation less of a laying in bed weeping sort of thing.
As for the actual sex, I have no problem sleeping with people early on. It has never lead to me being ghosted. I typically deal with the other side of the coin. I'm an ex girlfriend to a lot of dude that were never my boyfriend. But I don't have sex with someone as a means to convince them to begin a romantic relationship with me. It's not a bargaining chip. I'm not showing my worth and value with my vulva.
I have sex with someone because I want to have sex with someone. Because I hope it'll be fun. At most I'm gauging whether we're compatible for a possible relationship. It doesn't come with big strings. It's way more casual. Which is what sex after three dates should be. Casual is what three dates should be in general.
Also DO NOT send him a final message. That's.. like the worst idea. Just block this dude and move on with your life. And maybe look into your own attachment style. Because this is a lot.
And Iām gonna be honest, if only 3 dates and several weeks make you this attached and sad, I would spend some time working through that. You donāt know people after that length of time to get attached like this.
Honestly keeping in frequent contact and sharing updates throughout the day and accounting for absences over text when you've only been on three dates would push me away. It's the kind of attention and committment given to someone you've been dating 3 months and said I love you to not a few weeks. And given he was saying he would be unavailable due to work and seeing his dad, communicating anxiety regarding his silence could seem a bit demanding although unintentional. I get it, you got excited and you guys bonded fast so everything you're feeling is natural. I think when dating sometimes there's this pressure to "play the role" of being more committed than you are and then it becomes suffocating because its too much too soon, even if it was real it can create this expectation that feels too much to fulfill. I recommend not texting much except to say the date went well and to plan the next date until you've really gotten to know each-other better. After three dates this person is basically a stranger to you even though you had a sweet time and sex. It's a fantasy. Rejection hurts but any way you can de-pressurize early dating is good, if thats seeing mutliple people at once, texting less, or waiting longer to have sex/hang out at your house versus out in public.
Iām really sorry this happened to you and you deserve much better. Iām a 42 year old who went through a lot of years of this. The best way to protect yourself is to keep getting to know people slowly and take time with intimacy.
This is not a judgement in any way. I have no opinion about what is morally right here, and you should do whatever is best for you.
What I learned over time is the losers are impatient and if you take your time, you will be more likely to see them for who they are, which minimizes the likelihood of ghosting and hurt. People can pretend over the course of days, weeks, even a few months sometimes. But they show their true colors eventually. Donāt be afraid to ask direct and tough questions fairly early on but after theyāve let their guard down a bit.
I know it sucks but honestly rejection is truly protection. Donāt send the text itās better to journal it out. If he doesnāt care about your feelings he wonāt care about a text.
I wish there was a way to report people that mistreat others they find on dating apps. There just arenāt any consequences for peopleās shitty actions anymore.
Donāt message him your feelingsāyouāll only feel foolish for it later when it only highlights the one-sided-ness of it all. Let this connection die slowly on its own and fade away, but never let your hope of being loved do the same.
iām avoidant and i have just completely sworn off dating until i get my shit together because ik i would be a terrible partnerš i think more people need to understand that about themselves
You am me both girl. 4 days of so much attention then he leave for a festival i couldnt go to and gets back with his ex he was calling toxic lmfao the signs were there and i always give people the space to be themselves.
its okay in the end because whats meant for me will stay š«¶
Same goes for you. Feel your feelings but do remember you will be okay.
I think for your peace you should at least wait until youāre official before getting intimate with someone. Especially if it makes you feel this sad afterwards
Hereās something that changed my life: Start with every person at 0%. They work their way up. Donāt start at 100%. Donāt start at 50%. They earn their place in your life. You didnāt do anything wrong but you can protect your heart more next time. Itās all about you, not them.
Iām 27 and because of past (now resolved) daddy issues, Iāve dated really no one but older guys. Oldest was 20 years older when I was 21.
Take it from me, they are no more mature than any guy our age. Hell, theyāre not even more mature than a teenager. I believed the same crap. Itās not about the age, but who they are as a person. Donāt ever expect to be treated better or be taken more seriously because a man is older. I say that with my whole entire heart.
Iām sorry you went through this girl. He most likely got back together with an ex or was seeing some other girl and he was more interested in her. Even when theyāre older they wonāt man up and tell you.
Hold your head up high and remember you are valuable, beautiful, and worthy. Youāll find your person. ā¤ļø
I'm someone who has always had a long response time. Your message also would've made me cringe, kind of passive aggressive and knowing myself, I'd think we weren't compatible as I'd keep taking too long for you in my response times.
He could also be cheating (no reception on long work trips sounds like a great set up) and I'd trust your gut, though.
Personally my primary advice here is to not to be intimate so early. Some people insist they feel nothing from it even if things go awry, which is fine. Some people go way extreme in the other direction, too. But it's also fine to say you want to wait 3-6 months (or whatever) and wait until you have an official title or whatever is going to make you comfortable. This won't stop men from being horrible nor from you getting hurt. But it'll make you a less attractive target to many as many won't want to wait, and it'll at least lessen the pain if things go south.
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