Husband crossed the line, devastated

[u/hambrone420]

(Mini wontons fried in soy sauce, topped with egg.)

Welp. I don’t even know what to do now. I left, this happened tonight. I’m hoping typing this out will chill me out a little. EDIT TO ADD: I am at my mother’s. I left less than an hour after this interaction. As soon as she picked up the phone, confirmed I could stay, and I was able to pack everything

Trigger warning for verbal abuse and mention of past physical

I’ve been struggling with our daughter’s (5mo) sleep schedule, she’s regressing and stuck in an overtired cycle. I’m a FTM (first time mom) who is trying her best but floundering. I do everything myself. I’m not complaining about THAT part, as he works 12 hour extremely physically taxing shifts 5-6 days out of the week and I have been fine shouldering everything else. Baby girl, chores, errand planning, finances, dog.

All I ask for in return is stability and appreciation. To be treated kindly.

I set out his clothes and towel for a shower, have dinner working or ready, and a clean house for when he gets home. I tell him all the time that I want him to rest and recover when he gets home, he interacts with baby and helps a little with nighttime routine, but for the most part gets to relax as soon as he’s home. I thought I’d been doing good, especially recently, other than at night where I have to be in the room desperately trying to put her down for bed. I know he gets frustrated that we don’t have as much time together anymore but hey… we have a chunky grub now who requires attention and I’m juggling her with housework still when he gets back. He’s only up for around 4 hours after he’s home so that leaves very little room. We’ve had lots of talks about this and I thought he understood. I speak so highly of him to everyone.

Well tonight I put her down after about an hour of back and forth. I came out, talked to my little sister who lives with us for about 15 minutes, then sat on the couch and was trying to relax and chat with him before making myself dinner (cold now of course.) After a couple minutes I heard her start crying again and I just broke down and told him how tired and sad I was, how helpless I felt that this has been going on for weeks now. He gets up to comfort her, she resists, and he eventually gives up and comes back out.

I had already resigned myself to going back in there and holding her for however long, but was sniffling and noticed my mom had called me. I was even more sad that I wouldn’t get to talk to her. I mentioned it (“ugh, and mom called”) to my husband as I went to walk in. He said “go call your fucking mom” and it stopped me dead. I had no clue where the aggression came from and said “the hell?” He then got close to me, pointed a finger in my face, and said “Don’t even fucking start” I honestly thought he might hit me. I have trauma from past DV and childhood abuse. So I backed up and started to cry before getting furious and saying “What the fuck?? Why are you being like this?” He cut me off and said

“Shut the fuck up, bitch” and walked back into the bedroom.

I’m fucking heartbroken. Even afterwards, he admitted he has no idea where it came from and regretted it immediately. The only thing is this has happened before, not those exact words, but just cruelty during ARGUMENTS. I don’t even know what happened to make him act like this tonight. I try so damn hard to make him feel loved and appreciated, I do everything to make him comfortable and happy. I pamper this man. But the second he gets too stressed, he turns into someone hateful and mean. It’s such a 180 from his usual teddy bear self. We might be separated for good now. I REFUSE to let him speak to our daughter like that in the future. I’ve asked him to get counseling and he’s put it off, but before I left tonight he said he was serious now and will. I hate that I don’t believe him. I’m devastated at the very high probability that I won’t be able to spend all my time with my baby now. At my core, I feel numb. I’m tired, I’m lonely, and I’m scared.

[u/trendingtattler]

HEADS UP GIRL 🚨 your post made it to /r/popular!

Congratudolences! 😅 If the rate of notifications starts getting to you, no need to delete your post! Instructions in Sanity Saver #5 can help you mute them.

For the newcomers:

Welcome to r/GirlDinnerDiaries!

A few unique things about how we roll here:

➽ You're now entering the Girl Zone 🚨 Guys' guidance summarized: stick to GIFs or emojis, or otherwise be patient for mods' manual comment reviews. Don't embarrass your mama. 🤨

➽ Approved users only! Newbies will be prompted to take 10 lil seconds to get approved. Nbd.

➽ BE KIND, BE THOUGHTFUL or BEGONE. Our communication standards are higher than just "don't be mean." Check em out here.

➽ Queer friendly. The end.

➽ ED-recovery friendly. No food critiques, body shaming, diet advice, or calorie counting kinda talk. Call your almondmom for that.

ModMail is open & active. MWUAH! 😙🫴💋

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/nanithefucketh]

I'm just gonna drop this eye opening statement I saw online recently because it reminded me of your post:

A lot of guys try to excuse their hurtful words towards their partner by saying it was out of anger. But do these men act this way towards their boss when they're angry at them? Obviously not, because this reaction isn't just out of emotional immaturity but of a lack of respect or just feeling comfortable enough to say it.

I'm sure if he was mad at his boss and had an argument he wouldn't just say "shut the fuck up, bitch" to him, especially not getting in his face about it. He would back away because he knew insults would jeopardize what's important to him. I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make and you will feel better soon

[u/Secure-Remote8439 → u/nanithefucketh]

EXACTLY THIS. men get comfortable disrespecting women. They wouldn’t say that shit to even their friends, but they would their partner

[u/SimplyPassinThrough → u/nanithefucketh]

this is talked about in "Why Does He Do That?" - Lundy phrases it as they give themselves permission to act like that. It really resonated with me too. Of course he doesn't act like that with his boss/coworkers/friends - he has something to lose if he allows himself to lose it on them. He feels comfortable enough, secure enough, in a relationship to give himself permission to 'lose it' on his partner.

[u/EmbarrassedDark2341]

I am so sorry.

https://giphy.com/gifs/EvYHHSntaIl5m

[u/dancingaround22]

You don't deserve to be treated like that. You deserve better. You're daughter deserves safety and love and peace and SO DO YOU. Not gonna lie, I was waiting for you to say at the end that you weren't going to leave him and I was ready to give a different pep talk. You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter. You are a superhero.

[u/hambrone420 → u/dancingaround22]

I just want her to only know stability and proper love as she grows. The thought of hearing “shut the fuck up” directed at her makes me feel sick.

[u/turtlepetter69 → u/hambrone420]

My dad speaks like that to me often. He was never physically abusive, but I've been emotionally and mentally abused all my life. I now have to deal with multiple disorders and major depression and anxiety. My mom always just told me "he gets like that when mad" and "stay out of his way". I'm so proud you are not putting your child through that. You're a wonderful mom!

[u/ooooh-heckers → u/turtlepetter69]

“just don’t do anything that would make him mad” but everything makes him mad

“you know he gets like that sometimes” it’s all of the time and why do we have to take the brunt of his anger

i love my mom so much, but i need to move out of that house. i feel so much guilt because we protect each other from him, and im worried how she will be treated when i leave. but at the same time, she is choosing to stay, and she chose to stay with him throughout my childhood and put me through that

[u/mckooter → u/ooooh-heckers]

It's not your job to protect her. It was her job to protect you, and she didn't.

[u/Ok_Revolution6234 → u/ooooh-heckers]

I hope you’re able to move to your own place soon. I was in the same situation with my parents and it really wore me down. Even now when I visit them, I get anxious when I leave that she has to stay and deal with his bullshit.

[u/Equivalent-Trick-380 → u/ooooh-heckers]

My mum is like your dad and my dad was like your mum. I chose to stay away from that household, and now its breaking down; I'm not even there and its so terrible and I've realised the only way not to continue those cycles of stress, is by leaving. Idk if itll help but theres a guy on yt called patrick teahan who deals with (now adult) children of shit parents and maybe some of his stuff will help you come to a decision that keeps you safe or will help accept some of your feelings. Take care.

[u/MissAuroraRed → u/hambrone420]

Even if he never treats her that way, watching him treat you that way is also very harmful. You're doing the right thing.

[u/wittywitch953 → u/hambrone420]

As someone with a dad who behaves similarly to your husband, thank you!! I’m in my 20s now, but my dad has had regular outbursts like that towards me for the past 10 to 15 years. It’s pretty devastating and still hurts just as much as it did when I was a teen. You’re doing great! 🩷🫂

[u/Conscious-Time-7185 → u/hambrone420]

Bless you. As someone with an enabling parent who ignored the abusive parent, you are a hero. No child should ever be terrorized by their own parent. Nor should any wife EVER be terrorized by her husband.

I sincerely hope he does get therapy. The lack of emotional regulation alone makes him a poor parent and spouse, but the added cruelty when he can't calm down is inexcusable. Men like that make life's most difficult moments ten thousand times worse.

[u/Smknhippy → u/hambrone420]

Here I am in tears, as a little girl who heard her father verbally abuse her mother which one day turned on to me. I will never forget the things he said to me, the first one was “you’re a bitch just like your mother”. Thank you for choosing yourself and your daughter. I know this isn’t easy but you are an amazing mother.

[u/Intelligent_Crew_999 → u/hambrone420]

As the daughter of a mother who got spoken to like this often and just took it, I would like to thank you in advance. It affected me in so many ways beyond my realization and has taken a lot out of me in my adult years to repair my own behaviors and expectations of other people. You are doing the right thing and have the right people in mind. As others have said, you DESERVE peace and joy. You deserve empathy.

Wishing you all the best mama!!!🙏🏼💜

[u/iJuicyBear → u/hambrone420]

Even if he doesn't talk to her like that (very unlikely) she will see him talking to you like that and that's no good either. That man for sure needs therapy and you should be in therapy as well, if you're not already. It may help you in ways you didn't know you needed. I know it was probably a hard thing to leave, you're so brave and deserved better. I wish you all the best.

[u/ConsistentMap728 → u/hambrone420]

May every child especially little girl have a mother like you. Wow. Keep it up. The pampering them and them turning on a dime is just so heartbreaking and destroys trust especially when you are the one dealing with the hardest part, working your ass off to PAMPER HIM and the moment there’s too much stress he snaps.

I don’t know what will happen to your relationship but it will never be the same. Words and ultimatums won’t work only actions can. Stick to your guns.

[u/dancingaround22 → u/hambrone420]

You are a good mama!!!

[u/beesfly → u/hambrone420]

As someone who’s dad yelled at her through all of childhood thank you for leaving for your daughter. It’s taken me so much therapy, and I’m still very emotionally closed off. No child deserves to go through that. I’m so glad you have your mom, and I really hope things get better for you both now that you’ve left

[u/BooglePoots → u/hambrone420]

It's one thing from a partner, but it's much worse when it comes from a parent IMO. I still so vividly remember the first time my dad yelled that at me and I remember how broken it felt since I hadn't even heard him swear before. But once that happens then it opens the door for it to be okay, so if somebody can't handle their anger like that around their own child then I'd definitely say therapy is the way to go at the very least

[u/Embellishment101 → u/hambrone420]

I want to hug you for that. You are a great parent.
No matter how this works out, I have the biggest appreciation for you protecting your child.

[u/Aquitaine26 → u/hambrone420]

And it should, look I was adopted and I don’t ever talk much about my biological parents but one of the reasons was this - they could not communicate with others without yelling/putting hands on others - take care of your baby girl, let her know that she deserves more

[u/Easy_Olive1942 → u/dancingaround22]

Your daughter deserves to not see this as an acceptable way to be treated as a woman.

[u/ScaredEntertainer855 → u/dancingaround22]

You don’t have to figure out your whole marriage tonight. Just focus on you and your baby and getting somewhere you both feel safe.

[u/Beautiful-Place-6655 → u/dancingaround22]

You don’t need to make a permanent decision tonight. Give yourself some space, stay safe, lean on people you trust, and let his actions over time show you whether anything actually changes.

[u/Arachneesi → u/dancingaround22]

100000% agree with this

[u/Sunshine_Friend6538]

He has shown you who is he is. Cruelty during arguments. Disrespect. Counseling “later.”

Disrespect + entitlement = abuse (see Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That?)

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

The issue isn’t how good he is. It’s how bad he is when he’s bad.

Grew up in DV. When I left my ex, he was giving me panic attacks. You are your daughter don’t need that; you both need safety.

You can’t control his emotions. And he’s refusing to keep his emotional hands to himself.

Before I left, I looked through it logically. (The opium of hope / wishful thinking is real.)
1. How bad was it?

1. Has he pulled off any other big life change? (Less than 10% of abusers change.)

2. Did he, on his own, reflect and see the problem—or after you pointed it out—and take action to heal / fix / improve himself so it wouldn’t happen again?

3. Is he working on this on his own in some way? Reading a book, listening to podcasts, etc.

4. Based on this information—his actual actions—how likely is it that he would be capable of doing the hard work of changing and staying changed for 6 months - year?

The likely part is key. Not what we want, wish, or hope. But, based on past behavior, what will he most likely do?

That’s your answer. I wish it were different.

I was a SAHM for 15 years before my divorce. It was a hard adjustment. But there were also some pluses. I think it’s also really good for a girl to see her mom work…to see that women can be professionals, too. (Nothing against SAHM…I was raised in a time and place where I didn’t have the choice.)

[u/hambrone420 → u/Sunshine_Friend6538]

Thank you for this. I had deluded myself into thinking he’d changed, when it was actually that he’d gotten a new job and stress had been alleviated. Now that stress is stacking back up, I’m seeing nothing really changed. The behaviors just got buried.

[u/MissAuroraRed → u/hambrone420]

It's easy to have a good, happy relationship when times are good and life is easy. The real measure of a person's character is how they behave under stress and how they handle conflict.

[u/Legal_Confection_587 → u/MissAuroraRed]

Yeah, I’m sad about how many people in this thread are pointing out that this happened during a stressful life phase. Some behaviors are unacceptable no matter why they happen.

You’re right, it’s no great measure of a person’s character to be kind and loving when things are easy. Stress doesn’t make us different people or fundamentally change how we feel about others, it just surfaces different, pre-existing aspects of our personalities and our feelings for others.

“Shut the fuck up, bitch” is an expression of a feeling OP’s husband actually holds toward her stressed or not, somewhere inside him. I don’t know if that level of contempt, lodged that deep, is really fixable. More importantly, I don’t know if it’s worth the pain and struggle for OP to fight for that change even if it is possible.

[u/twistedspin → u/hambrone420]

It sounds like you wait on him on a day-to-day basis, like you get all his food and you lay out his clothes. He probably has looked at your baby as taking that from him and it makes him angry, because he wants you to both take care of his kid and wait on him like a servant.

I think you have enormously over-estimated his basic level of kindness. He was happy he had a bang-maid that catered to him & that's not kindness, it's self absorbed joy. I'm so sorry.

[u/Sunshine_Friend6538 → u/hambrone420]

You are very welcome. It takes great courage and strength to admit the self-delusion—and see reality. Many don’t, won’t, or can’t. (It took me decades.) Good for you for seeing it now!

[u/AgeWeird3181]

Dude joining the conversation. Something my wife and I always talk about is how taking care of baby is a full time job, where you work 12 hour shifts then are on call the other 12. Meanwhile you have a home, a significant other, pets, and yourself to also take care of in that time. 

Your husband may be working hard at work but your working your butt off at home and for you it never stops. 

We have a 1 year old daughter and during most of that time we both worked 40 hours as well. The added stress of parenthood definitely caused a strain on our relationship, we had plenty of arguments, way more than we ever had before. However, not once did we ever verbally abuse the other. I would never call my wife a bitch or tell her to shut up. This woman works so hard so all the time to make sure I'm still happy while also being a mom and full time employee.

 I'm now a stay at home dad, I'm exhausted all the time. It is much more demanding than any full time job. It's fulfilling and wonderful as well, but I could never imagine going through what you have gone through. You deserve better and so does your child. I hope your husband gets counciling, but I think you are dodging a bullet by getting away from him. 

[u/ZookeepergameUpset62]

You're an excellent mother for wanting to keep your daughter from knowing what CPTSD feels like.

I totally validate wanting to get away from someone you can't trust to at least be kind. People lose their temper sometimes but being mean is inexcusable. I'm sorry you're dealing with this while having a baby to care for. that's a lot.

[u/hambrone420 → u/ZookeepergameUpset62]

I have CPTSD and it wrecked so many parts of my life. I can’t let her go through that.

And yes losing your temper is human, but it’s the fact it keeps happening and pure vitriol that comes out of nowhere that terrifies me. I’m glad y’all aren’t making me feel crazy. Thank you

[u/-rubyinsides]

You’re not a bitch, and you better not shut the fuck up. You’re an overworked mother and wife. You need a break and sympathy, some understanding, patience. Not whatever the fuck that guy is giving you.

[u/hambrone420 → u/-rubyinsides]

Thank you so much 🥹

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/hambrone420]

(You can have a little bitchiness, as a treat.)

Seriously though… you’re going through it right now. How dare he pile on more??

I don’t miss the sleep regression days.

[u/teardownthatgazebo]

Ok so you do absolutely everything, he doesn’t pull his weight in the home or with the kid and he’s done this before? I think you know what you need to do, and it isn’t get him to counselling.

[u/hambrone420 → u/teardownthatgazebo]

One thing I will say in his defense is that he is (at this moment) a good dad.

He has to wake up at 2 A.M, work from 3:30 A.M.- 4:00 P.M. He works in the Texas sun all day, and is exhausted when he gets home around 5. He still interacts with her and helps when I ask, and on the weekends he’s MUCH more hands on. My issue is that I purposely go out of my way to make it to where I don’t NEED him to help me during the week. I can totally get being exhausted after shifts like that, and wanted to be helpful and give him a break. Let him shower, eat, and sleep. The fact that he still lashes out on me despite this is what breaks my heart so much.

I do agree with you about the weight in the home. I’ve asked him to take more charge with certain things and he doesn’t. Also, the counseling is more so for my daughter’s sake. Even if we’re not together, he’s going to be in her life, and I want him so badly to work on this aspect of himself so she doesn’t experience it from him later on.

Edit: guys omfg I’m not excusing anything, I was just trying to clarify and give more context.

[u/heckin_concern → u/hambrone420]

Part of being a good dad is treating their mother with respect. Kids see everything and feel the tension, even when they're small.

[u/hambrone420 → u/heckin_concern]

Thankfully she wasn’t near, she was in her bassinet inside the bedroom. We were outside the room in the walkway. My nervous system was wrecked as an infant due to my parents fighting constantly. It’s a rule for me that she can’t be around it. Even when we’d mildly bicker, I try to keep a light tone and constantly smile at her to ease her lol.

She’s a very very happy baby. It’s my biggest pride and solace

[u/MaynardButterbean → u/hambrone420]

She wasn’t near.. this time. If you stay with him, there will be a time when she is and she will be a witness to his behavior at some point

[u/proofoflife10 → u/hambrone420]

The fact that you had to make a rule about when he’s allowed to treat you like shit… girl.

[u/twistedspin → u/hambrone420]

He will start saying this stuff to her, too. They all do. Don't think you can absorb it all because people like this have an unlimited fountain of asshole.

[u/txgirlinbda → u/hambrone420]

Good dads don’t treat their children’s moms like that.

[u/princesscraftypants → u/hambrone420]

Does a good dad treat the primary parent this way?

[u/hambrone420 → u/princesscraftypants]

Fair enough haha

[u/AggressiveSoup_1108 → u/hambrone420]

He can be a good dad while being a single dad too, you know? He verbally assaulted you, and he's been cruel at other times. I'm gonna tell you this because I have experience:

Once a line is crossed, you can never go back; and in fact, most of the time, it only keeps going forward, crossing more and more lines.

[u/hambrone420 → u/AggressiveSoup_1108]

Yes that’s what I’m acknowledging!! I hate the way he treats me but didn’t want to paint him as a deadbeat father

I agree with the line crossing which is why I left and am so sad, I’ve dealt with it before, and what hurts even more is that he’s seen the videos I’d taken for my protection, one where he’s (the ex) screaming at me to “shut the fuck up”

I don’t understand how he can do the same to me, sober at that.

[u/Ambitious-Sleep2607 → u/hambrone420]

I once heard a woman say „NEVER tell your new man how badly the last one treated you. No matter how good they seem, they take a mental note. And they will treat you the same at some point. They use that to tell themselves it’s justified, and they also learn how much you can take. If a new man asks you how your ex treated you, you say every ex was an angel, and they all treated you like a princess“

[u/fancifulsnails → u/Ambitious-Sleep2607]

I can see where that would be true. I think I got lucky. My partner KNEW nearly every detail of my former relationship and the DV I was going through, because we've been close for thirty years (met as kids, mom's are friends). His mom had gone through similar things. He helped me get out. Years have gone by, we live together, and I've still never even heard him so much as raise his voice 👀. He's a good egg, this one. We're likely an exception to the standard.

[u/Ambitious-Sleep2607 → u/fancifulsnails]

Absolutely, good men exist. You got one of the 4%

[u/fancifulsnails → u/Ambitious-Sleep2607]

4% is pushing it. Maybe like...1.5% 😉

I've told my partner, and everyone - that if he dies or we break up - I'm never dating again. This is it, I'm otherwise done. Sadly, I apparently can't become a lesbian. Not for lack of trying 😂

[u/Ambitious-Sleep2607 → u/fancifulsnails]

https://giphy.com/gifs/9CvWZTFXyNBio

[u/orchidlake → u/fancifulsnails]

Chiming in, I also see where that would be true. I've had friendships with guys that seemed to take "I was treated x way" in the past as a guideline for how far they can safely go.

My husband on the other hand actually witnessed my first and last abusive relationship and even while we were friends tried to help me get out of it. Once I was finally over my ex (guy ghosted me; sadly wasn't me who "escaped") I finally could open my eyes and fell for my now husband. Inching towards 2 decades together and he's always tried to raise the standard, even including ensuring he himself is better and healthier. I'm so deeply grateful to my husband, I'm a better person thanks to him and he's told me he's better thanks to me. It's insane how rare decent men are.

[u/fancifulsnails → u/orchidlake]

Lucky you for finding another gem!! ☺️😊 My partner really does go above and beyond, and I'm ashamed to say that I'm pretty damn spoiled by him. Kind of outrageously so, but damn it's nice. I've definitely dated my fair share of awful dudes. And, ditto on the guy friend aspect!

[u/loafkitter → u/Ambitious-Sleep2607]

That's so sad :(

[u/hambrone420 → u/Ambitious-Sleep2607]

Fuck

[u/Ambitious-Sleep2607 → u/hambrone420]

If your ex hit you, the new man will feel safe in all kinds of mistreatment and tell himself „well at least I didn’t hit her“.
They calculate your tolerance

[u/Born_Ad8420 → u/hambrone420]

A good dad doesn't verbally abuse or threaten their partner. They model how to be in a healthy relationship for their kid (and because they genuinely love and respect their partner).

[u/Klmxmarf → u/hambrone420]

Gently, I want to know, when do you get off work? When does your shift end? Because you are also working and you don’t even get nights off. Taking care of the baby and the home is a full time job. Your labor is valuable too and enables him to do the job he does. Where is the respect for the labor you perform?

[u/threetenfour → u/Klmxmarf]

Exactly! Childcare and house cleaning are actual jobs that people get paid for. If you weren't in his life, he would have to hire people to replace the work you currently do. Another way to think about it, if it's "not work," then why is he too tired to do it when he gets home from his job?

[u/proofoflife10 → u/hambrone420]

He helps when you ask? That’s not a good dad. He “interacts with her”? Is it as forced as you’re making it sound? Because that’s not a good dad. He’s not a good dad, he’s not even a good man.

[u/se_lai → u/hambrone420]

Doing all this is clearly drawning you, as it happens. And besides, if this is him when you're managing so much on his behalf... what happens the moment you can't, for whatever reason, and he has to do more around the house and the baby? What if you are sick or unable in any way?/If you eventually have to get a paid job and can't do so much? Just wanted to add these thoughts. Please consider that, too. Huge hugs to you and your daughter.

[u/dazzleunexpired → u/hambrone420]

I'm going to try to be super super gentle because others are not.

A man who becomes cruel at any point due to stress from the child is not a good father. He is pretending to be a good father. But he abused his child. Cursing at the other parent of your child where your child can hear is child abuse in the United States. You may not live in the United States so maybe it's not child abuse where you're at. But it should be.

It has been proven that verbal abuse against a parent affects a child.

You say that your child is in an overtired state, but do they typically deny your attempts at comfort? Do they resist you attempting to comfort them like they do your husband? If they don't resist you...your baby also feels the tension, OP. You can't go back.

If your child does not resist his attempts more than yours, maybe he can learn to be a good father, but he probably could not learn to be a good husband.

[u/musicallykairi → u/hambrone420]

My husband used to make this same argument about my stepchildrens mom. He knows better now. The kids do too.

[u/OneofHearts → u/hambrone420]

I get that he works 12 hour shifts, but...

when does your shift end?

[u/teardownthatgazebo → u/hambrone420]

You’re overly justifying. None of this is relevant to the way he treats you.

[u/hambrone420 → u/teardownthatgazebo]

I was just addressing the “not pulling weight with baby” part, sorry. I still love him and can defend to a fault 🫠 I despise the way he treats me when he’s stressed and won’t make excuses for that. It’s why I left tonight

[u/mckooter → u/hambrone420]

It's okay that you still love him. You can love someone to the ends of the earth and still know they are bad for you. I'm proud of you for choosing your safety and the safety of your child over your love for him. I know that's hard.

[u/Dazzling_Room_9346 → u/hambrone420]

You ask him to help?

He should be a father without being asked to. Even on the days he works. Hes a dad 24/7, similar to how you're a mom 24/7.

My dad was the breadwinner working all day. He still came home to take care of me and my sisters when we were younger. He used to stay up all night walking back and forth with one of us in his arms to get us to sleep as my mom was exhausted. He didnt have to be asked, he just did.

Im glad you are seeing the light and leaving this man. Being abusive to you as you take care of the baby is gross. Like another commentor said, he wont yell at his boss when hes stressed therefore he shouldnt yell at you. There is no excuse.

[u/Aitana- → u/hambrone420]

An abuser will NEVER be a good dad

[u/bigopossums → u/hambrone420]

How does this justify anything? I’m almost pitying you right now, reading you justify being with a shitty man. So many women on reddit truly live in the sunk cost fallacy trenches I swear. You really need to ask yourself if it will truthfully ever get better and when you leave, don’t let him try to convince you he’s going to get better because you gave him plenty of grace.

[u/hambrone420 → u/bigopossums]

Pardon? I’m not justifying staying with him. I was talking about him helping with the baby, as I personally am incredibly averse to deadbeats like my own. I realize now that acknowledging that part of the comment was a mistake. I was simply trying to not mislead people into thinking I’ve been COMPLETELY solo, and giving more context. Not even for him, but for my own pride as well.

I left less than an hour after it happened, as soon as I was able to confirm going to my mother’s and packing my and baby’s things.

[u/bigopossums → u/hambrone420]

Yes I get what you mean completely but PLEASE don’t let these things cloud your judgement. You are worth much more than this and deserve someone who treats you like the queen you are, please don’t let a few good deeds make you think he might change because now he probably has the feeling he can act like an asshole without consequences.

I think what bothers me is that a lot of women will say “well he is a dick but he as at least done xyz” when I think most men would not do the same, you know?

[u/Dangerous_Sugar6237]

It will only escalate from here. The shame and selfhatred is unbearable so they get angry and blame you for their aggression. They blame you for making them bad. As if it is not their responsibility and if they do this as a minimum they should seek help and change this behaviour. But they don't. They just become worse.

[u/hambrone420 → u/Dangerous_Sugar6237]

His dad is a bitter, hateful, selfish, MEAN man. I’m scared that his future if he doesn’t change. I just want better for my girl

[u/Dangerous_Sugar6237 → u/hambrone420]

I know how you feel. But you can not change him and you can not save him. He has to understand it, want it and do the work. It is not your responsibility.

For me it went from "why are you such a bitch" to "shut up or I will strangle you".

[u/LoveDesignAndClean]

If he keeps acting like that during arguments, only regrets it afterward, but doesn’t seek therapy or work on changing his behavior, does he actually regret it?

[u/hambrone420 → u/LoveDesignAndClean]

Funny thing is I’ve said this exact thing to others, and I hear it echo in my head every time I notice he hasn’t actually done the work to change on a real level. Thank you for saying it so it’s more real to me

[u/Nobodysmommy]

I’m so sorry he did that to you. It sounds like you’re putting a significant amount of effort into managing his mood everyday. Laying out his clothes for him stood out to me as an example of how helpless he’s allowed to be when he’s at home. His behavior is unacceptable. You deserve to be cherished and your labor should be valued.

[u/hambrone420 → u/Nobodysmommy]

My love language is acts of service by a landslide. I genuinely found joy in doing little things to make him happier and more comfortable. I’m realizing now I was just getting taken advantage of

[u/StardustStuffing → u/hambrone420]

I heard something the other day that resonated with me.

When you go above and beyond to treat your man in an amazing way, he doesn't think you're amazing. He thinks "Wow, I'm getting all this because I'm amazing."

There's absolutely no way he sees or appreciates how much you do to make him comfortable.

[u/ladyfreq → u/StardustStuffing]

There's definitely some truth to this. Anytime my husband comes home and the laundry is put away or I vacuumed and dusted he's like, "wow! What did I do to deserve this?" Then kisses me. He's typically the one who cleans so it's a big deal to him when i do.

[u/Luna-Gitana]

“I set out his clothes and towel for a shower, have dinner working or ready, and a clean house for when he gets home”.
“I thought I’d been doing good”.
Are you hearing yourself? No girl… noooo.

[u/pizzapotprincess]

Call your mom please. I grew up with two parents who... For lack of better phrasing, didn't like each other. That resentment, that anger, that utter disdain. I recognized at a very early age. Please do not let your daughter know of such pain. You deserve better. She deserves better. 

[u/hambrone420 → u/pizzapotprincess]

I’m here right now! I thought I added it in the post, I left less than an hour afterwards.

[u/pizzapotprincess → u/hambrone420]

I'm so glad to hear that! The road ahead is tough but you are tougher. 💖🫶🏼 

[u/Known-Extreme6498 → u/hambrone420]

I hope you’re doing well this morning, you’re so strong !

[u/0genericusername0]

You had a baby with him. He thinks that you’re trapped. His true colors are now coming out.

That’s my cynical side talking and I might be right.

But also, it seems that you both are feeling stressed and overworked. Having a child is hard, it’s not a small thing to have a child. It’s huge.

The world is a chaotic place now more than ever, the cost of living continues to rise, jobs are low paying, the economy is tanking, and people are having to bust their behinds in uncomfortable jobs to just get by.

I don’t know if you are a stay at home mom but if you are then your husband probably thinks you have it easy compared to him. And that’s probably part of the problem.

[u/tryingmybestyeah]

You may feel like you’re “floundering” right now as a first time mom, but your reaction to leave after verbal abuse makes you the best mom. Remember that.

[u/Suspicious_Road_9651 → u/tryingmybestyeah]

The BEST mom.

My ex pulled some similar shit in the hospital room mere hours after my kid’s birth. I told him to leave, because I wasn’t going to have any kind of arguing in front of my brand new baby.

He said “who do you think you are?!” as he was walking out and I “🖕🖕🖕 the MOTHER of this baby”. He never returned. It’s been over 5 years. 🤷‍♀️

[u/Glittering_Win_5085]

Does he speak to his friends like that? His boss? Random men who are bigger than him? I think probably not. 

[u/musclesmolloy → u/Glittering_Win_5085]

I find this funny because ive told several employers to go fuck them selves but never my partner why the fuck are you abusing your co pilot through life you're in it together.

[u/ReaderRabbit26]

Did you leave your sister there? Did you take her with you? She shouldn’t have to stay with him either. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[u/JennLostAndFound → u/ReaderRabbit26]

That’s what I wonder?! Where’s the sister- don’t leave her behind

[u/hambrone420 → u/ReaderRabbit26]

My sister actually brought me to my mother’s! Since he’s currently using my car for work, and my in laws ran our other one to shit 🫩

She’s 19, has a lock on her door, and they’ve had a good relationship so far. She didn’t end up leaving to go back for another couple hours, and is rarely home to begin with. They have that in common, so their paths barely cross. I don’t think she’d be too keen on staying with our mom as they’re currently at odds

[u/Relative_Seaweed8617 → u/hambrone420]

Ma’am! Get your car! He can uber. Grouchy ass mofo.

[u/spookytabby]

Oh hell nah he’s showing you who he really is. I’m so sorry please stay safe. Hugs from another internet sister 🫂

[u/Live-Tomorrow-4865]

I'd love to know where the fuck males get the entitlement to behave this way. (Many males, not all males, but always a male.)

[u/disappointedasfuck11 → u/Live-Tomorrow-4865]

I hate how new moms have to pay attention to the man like a first born baby, so he does not feel neglected.... fucking pussies.

[u/hambrone420 → u/Live-Tomorrow-4865]

If you find out let me know! Because I’ve been searching for YEARS.

[u/MissConscientious]

When you start to forget why you left — which you definitely will - I encourage you to reread your post. You have put a great deal of thought and consideration into this decision. You are making a careful, deliberate choice by choosing safety for both you and your baby.
Your own words say it all perfectly.

[u/Anonyellow8484]

He’s abusive and it will only escalate. Time to start making your exit plan. You and your child do not deserve this. “Setting out his clothes” what is he your second child? Please stop coddling these grown men. He doesn’t participate in household chores or parenting and he’s disrespectful. He’s not adding any value to your life. Life will be easier without him in it.

[u/Properturd]

Stop treating your man like a fucking god for doing the bare minimum.

[u/fauxbigbro]

You shouldn't believe him about counseling. And I'm going to be honest, even if he starts going, you shouldn't believe he means it until he starts that he's putting in the work.

You know what's best for you and your daughter. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[u/hambrone420 → u/fauxbigbro]

I agree. It hurts so bad because this is the first man I’ve genuinely loved in YEARS. I can’t delude myself with that though. Especially now with my little girl

[u/thepinkweasel]

I remember in my previous relationship, my ex screamed at me and our newborn daughter after only a couple weeks of having her home and I tried so hard to ensure his life wouldn’t be effected too much after bringing her home. He’s an EX for a reason. This is your sign that he’s a massive red flag.

[u/Fioreborn]

I'm sending you all the hugs.

You wait on him hand and foot, clean the house, take care of the house and finances and are dealing with a cranky 5mo and he snapped because you got a bit emotional?

Other women in your shoes would have had a full breakdown by now.

You are so incredibly strong!

He does not deserve you.

[u/toffewpop]

Hey OP, I dont have much to add from the other comments but about the sleep regression, maybe look into baby hammocks? In some south asian culture a lot of people use them in placement of a traditional cot and usually does wonders calming a fussy baby. If you are worried about safe sleep I can suggest using it as a calming/making her sleep method then transferring her to a cot (personally I use it as a daytime bed). Its called a Jori and you can buy them from Amazon

[u/hambrone420 → u/toffewpop]

Wait thank you so much LOL I’ll look into that literally rn!!!!

[u/Ok-Benefit197]

I would worry about his aggression escalating tbh. 

[u/New-at-stuff]

I want you to know you are strong for having realized this is not the life you want. I am so sorry you might not get to spend all your time with baby because you will have to support yourself. DV never starts outright as physical hurt. It usually begins as horrible words during arguments, using stress and exhaustion as an excuse for unpleasant things, testing the boundary and moving it slowly. He has been testing the words out during arguments and now he tested it in a random time. Whether these "tests" are intentional or not will always be up for debate. We never get the full closure on why an abuser does what they do. You do not need to stick around to find out. Sending you love, light, strength and confidence.

[u/Smooth_Bowl3797]

You need to leave. Im telling you this as someone with experience, he will never get better, and this is barely a degree of separation from him hitting you or the baby in the future. No man that loves you, even at his worst, would speak to you like this.

[u/MiddleHuckleberry445]

I’m so sorry that this happened- what a terrible night. I am so proud of you for keeping yourself and your daughter safe today. The fact that you did it tonight shows that you are capable of doing the next right thing when the time comes.

[u/Tumbleweed1312]

My ex husband used to talk to me like that, and he did eventually start being verbally abusive to one but not the other one of our children. I left him so my kids would not have to see someone talking to me in this way and me tolerating it. There were also other factors like he was an alcoholic and very controlling. In his case he refused therapy, in your case, maybe, just maybe, he can be helped. But you did nothing wrong comforting your baby. You didn’t deserve this at all.

[u/Sea-Bluejay-3619]

I’m so sorry.
I haven’t read the comments as it’s triggering so I hope I’m repeating what others have said.

1. He will do it again.
   
2. He will do it to your daughter.

There will always be stress…

There’s much more I could say as I’ve been there and done that and tried to keep the peace (keep him peaceful) for 13+ years. Do not pretend that the effort of keeping someone else peaceful does not take a toll. And your daughter will watch.

I’ve been out for 6 years now. I have full custody of my 4 kids. We are not wealthy but not hungry. And we have peace in our home. I wish I had left when my oldest was a baby.

[u/queenyuyu]

I think the only way forward for this not to get worse if he gets into therapy.
Because there seems to be some underlining issue.

To snap at you unprompted like this, is never a good sign.

Yes babies are stressful especially at this age.

But that doesn’t give him the excuse to let his frustration out on you.

It could be an undiagnosed disorder, but it could also be medical, or maybe he is not as good of a person as you think he is.

Whatever the case not ignoring the elephant in the room is the best and safest way moving on-wards.

[u/Wooden-Word-2684]

Can I ask you OP ," Do you feel like you need to shrink yourself, to make another person (husband), feel comfortable?" I am quite alarmed at the complete switch in your toad of a spouse you've described. I dated someone who had this switching behaviour. What resonated with me in your post was your request to be treated kindly. I had sent and requested this to the person I dated. He would be lovely, fine, and considerate. Then, a sudden switch would happen, and the things he said are so profoundly disgusting, I won't repeat. I always felt confused and started to feel like I was crazy. But, I ended it after another angry escapade. I had to take it further and have police intervention. I requested no contact and he wouldn't stop.  Your welfare and your little one is the most important matter.  These situations will escalate I think. I don't know you, but I'm glad you wrote your feelings and experience here. As someone else pointed out, this situation is beyond counselling. I'm proud of you though and you're a hero to not only your daughter, but to many people here too.

[u/Alternative-Chip-915]

He is, as you said, hateful and mean. I don’t know him but I know the feeling, the fear, very well and he is aggressive and dangerous and that is nothing to be played with, especially with another two little girls in the house. I’m sorry but if he acts like this in general (but especially with a WOMAN), it won’t change. I’ve witnessed too much to think otherwise. I’m so so sorry. You did right and you are an amazing mom. ❤️ You and your daughter deserve so so much better. I hope you will be safe and wishing you the best.

[u/ClubPsychological616]

leave him you are setting the example for how men should treat women your child sees this do better for her if you don’t want to do better for yourself

[u/90sgoth]

My husband was like this too when our kid was born, give you credit for leaving, I didn’t and it took 2 years to get better

[u/BuggleTrucken]

Whatever you do, stick to your guns and leave him. Your daughter doesn't need to grow up with a monster in the house. 

[u/NomaTyx]

i thought you were saying FTM as in female to male (transgender) lol

[u/Proper_Analysis_8566 → u/NomaTyx]

I also thought that. What does it stand for then? (Confused) 😅

[u/hambrone420 → u/NomaTyx]

LMAO I need to stop interacting with mom reddit as much because I remember before I had my baby I would get equally confused by “FTM”

And now I’m doing it to others 💔💔

[u/MissAuroraRed → u/hambrone420]

I think SAHM is more widely understood outside parent circles

[u/hambrone420 → u/MissAuroraRed]

I was using in the “first time mom” context that would maybe help people understand why I was having such a hard time with figuring out her sleep!! I’ll clarify in the post

[u/Lychanthropejumprope]

Sounds like he’s jealous of his own child. What a fucking loser

[u/Ambitious-Sleep2607]

Here’s a book you need to read op,
It’s a free library pdf. This book will safe your life

https://archive.org/details/whydoeshedothati0000banc

[u/TamlinWhoRhysCanWoo]

I’m proud of you for leaving today. This group helped me realize my husband is abusive now I’m in therapy for this situation. They say it takes 7 attempts to leave. Find your courage, strength, every ounce of self respect and love for your daughter to make this stick. I wish I had your strength.

[u/luckyteapotcat]

You've also been putting in 12+ hour shifts. Looking after the home and baby IS work. You rolled out the red carpet for him and he took a fat dookie on it. Props on you for getting out of there and putting little first.

[u/maximum_somewhere22]

Firstly, I’m really so sorry. Reading that really hurt. I had a physical reaction to that. I am truly, truly sorry. You are incredibly vulnerable right now with a very small baby and being sleep deprived.

I want to reiterate to you that this isn’t going to get “better”. Children go through phases their entire lives. Some people will argue the toddler stage is much harder than the baby stage - and I tend to agree. Behaviours are much more difficult, this tests patience and relationships hugely.

There is some huge positives here. You have great relationships with your sister and your mom. Very very big wins. You have great supports, you can lean into them.

I know this is scary. But please, please start thinking about leaving him. For more reasons than you even think. Another one is behaviour role modelling your daughter will pick up on - “how a husband treats a wife” which she will start to learn and not even question. This is not something to be normalised or something she needs to bear witness to. Again, I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve it, and you are doing a damn good job.

[u/myextrausername]

DO NOT and I repeat: DO NOT leave him alone with your child or send him to be the one to handle crying. Everything you say in the lead up to your story sounds like you’re operating from a place of fear and submission on a daily basis. What you’re describing is not normal, even though it may feel that way to you at this point. Do not raise your daughter to think that is ok. You know what you need to do. Make a plan, execute it without him knowing. Lean on your family if you can.

[u/rozzi_luv]

I wish I had advice for you and for this situation, but unfortunately I do not. I just hope you're okay, and if you're not, I hope you're able to be okay soon 🫂

[u/Fast_Statement_8731]

i am pretty far afield from where reddit draws the line at anger issues. i don't care about yelling, hand waving, storming off. i remember there was a post about a woman slamming a door and a mug fell off a shelf and broke and all of the commenters said she had anger issues and i was so confused. i have different standards, i guess.

but this is something else. i don't know what this is. it sounds like he hates you

[u/hambrone420 → u/Fast_Statement_8731]

That’s the part that hurts. He has to have some kind of hatred for me in order to snap like that and be so hateful

[u/Lookatthatsass → u/hambrone420]

Resentment and contempt. 

I’d listen to your instinct that there is something deeper and potentially more dangerous going on here. Treat this with seriousness because it’s your safety and your baby’s safety at risk.

Some guys really drop the mask after they feel like they have secured you through children or marriage.

[u/xdustbinx]

i'm sorry, but i'm glad that you're not going to tolerate it and are considering separation. as you probably already know, it usually starts small.
i hope to whatever deity that he never hurts you, but you need to put yourself and your baby first!

[u/diddilybop]

I’m so sorry, OP. This sounds so hard, but I want you to know that you’re a great, strong, and loving mother to your daughter.

My sister and I grew up with a father who physically and verbally abused us for many years. Unfortunately, our mom wasn’t strong like you, she didn’t protect us. Instead, she hid by staying in the office til super late and went on international business trips multiple times a year, while staying married to him.

Please reach out to your family and loved ones for support and to help keep you and your daughter safe.

[u/maryoliversdog]

Sister, I’ve been there. My now ex husband was unable to cope with the stress of parenting and also took it out on us. I stayed for the kids and regret it.

You can count on other women to help you find a path to a new life for you and your daughter.

[u/Individual-Crab5289]

Just a comment about the baby, you might not find this helpful but I did: download the Napper app. Helped a ton with our girl's sleep cycle. Ask tou sister to do housework. Pay it back later of needed. Take naps with the baby in bed. If you are able to, also co-sleep with the baby and go to bed at the same time as she does.

I slept 6 pm to 3-5 am for months, but then I think the Napper app plus just her age helped. Now I'm co-sleeping 20-06 and everyone is happy.

You husband's behavior is not ok but also he is working way too much.

[u/Newwave221]

"FTM" - "her best"??? - She/her trans man? - ...Ohhhhhhhhh

[u/Dramatic-Bird-5604 → u/Newwave221]

full time mom, I was confused too lol

[u/Efficient-Hearing162]

Please read, Why does he do that? - Lundy Bancroft.

[u/Pero_Why77]

https://giphy.com/gifs/4N03YPI32Mr4qYHfRu

[u/AddendumAny7678]

This man wanted kids the way kids want a dog. When the reality of having a baby and taking care of her hits, he hates her and hates you. Resents her for taking your attention from him. He's not father material at all. If you never had kids and you were always on his dick is the only way he could be happy. But it's too late now.

[u/Relative_Seaweed8617]

Yep. The end. We don’t pamper men that call us bitches and point in our face. We don’t even grace them with our presence. I don’t care how long his ass works or how hard, he can take a baby shift in the evening for you to neat, nap, recharge before your next turn. Fuck him. Entitled asshole. Hell would be frozen solid before I lifted another finger for him. Punk ass man baby.

[u/Environmental-Town31]

My ex became verbally and physically abusive after our child was born. Around 5 months too. The first few times it happened he seemed surprised at himself and apologetic. Slowly he stopped being apologetic and genuinely behaved as though I deserved it. I left.

[u/Actual-Scientist-703]

would be still bad if it was a one time thing, but you said he has a history of cruelty in arguments. he's not gonna change. my mom ignored this side of my dad, which with additional stuff gave me cptsd. but you know about that stuff, because you too have trauma. you recognized his behavior is wrong, so break the pattern and give yourself and your kid love and stability away from him. i wished my mom would've left... good luck🍀

[u/ceciliabee]

If he can maintain a job without demeaning his boss and treating them like he treats you, he's capable of it, he's just decided you don't deserve him biting his tongue.

The fact that he's now ready to do therapy when you're on the way out the door is a take a old as time. I'm glad you left ♥️

[u/Icy_Salary_335]

Crying for a stranger on the internet. I have been there. I’m so sorry. ❤️‍🩹

[u/FreshPotatoeButter]

Things will get better for a week or two or six but will revert to increasingly hostile behavior. Leave before your daughter learns that this is how she deserves to be treated. If it’s good enough for her mom, it’s good enough for her.

[u/lauralouisech]

“  I know he gets frustrated that we don’t have as much time together anymore” This was enough for me… ugh So proud of you for protecting your baby and yourself. You are a great mom. 

[u/ClockworkPrison]

You seem like an amazing wife and mother. You deserve better. He wouldn’t call his boss a bitch.

[u/Rough-Technology1199]

Yeah no. You give him TOOOOO much grace for him to not give you a smidge when you need it. I’m sorry it wasn’t met with understanding and care. I be trying to give all parties benefit of the doubt but here i absolutely cannot. I have a now 1yo but 4-12 months sleep WAS awful and i exclusively breastfed it was hard, exhausting, i know exactly how you’re feeling especially after putting her down thinking you have a minute and BOOM baby up. Its exhausting. And ur husband on some high horse like he just what ??? Smh let that be strike three and if he tries you like that again, do what u have to do to keep u and your family safe.

Also also, do you feed baby girl through the night? I would recommend sleep training now, instead of when shes older and can stand, more aware of you leaving…

[u/purplecloudflake]

Do not go back. No matter what he says, no matter what he promises. He will not change. Right now, his next move is going to be to lovebomb you. Be prepared. Don't fall for that. You deserve to be safe and loved. He will never be able to give you that.

[u/Xiao_Mei_]

No advice mama, just some virtual hugs and the hopes that you will recover from this situation however it ends up.

https://giphy.com/gifs/3M4NpbLCTxBqU

[u/Ok_Isopod5206]

If u can, go home to mom for a week or so. She can help with the baby and he can take care of himself

[u/Unlikely-Wing3173]

My heart goes out to you 🫂
I’m so sorry this had happened…
I was in a relationship earlier this year and during our last fight - he called me a boring fuck. That was it for me, and what I’m saying is - it is TOTALLY LEGITIMATE for you to want to end things because he called you a derogatory name. This should not happen. He should be your safety, and calling your SO demeaning names in anger - that is a line crossed. What’s more - you’re saying he has already demonstrated such behaviour in the past AND it is completely out of the blue… this sounds straight up dangerous.
If this is something coming over him suddenly and he - at least to my understanding - claims little control over it - next time it may not be words…
If you consider getting back to him - he NEEDS to go to a counselling on anger control issues. And he needs to COMPLETE IT, follow through, and be absolutely transparent with you over his progress / ANY DOUBTS or weaker moments he experiences post completing it etc…
This isn’t a joke and you should be so proud of yourself for not treating this lightly and reacting immediately as you did!! You sound like such a great mom, so I don’t need to tell you that - but yeah, REQUIRING the above from him now is not only for your sake. You need to keep that baby girl safe.

I wish you ALL the strength there is, lean on your family (already so happy for you having a mom who is supportive!), find support groups in your area or a hotline for women who experience abuse. Talk to ppl who handle it professionally, get knowledgeable about what you should do, and what you shouldn’t allow from his side.
There’s a great book for starters - “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft.
If you want to talk more - feel free to DM me.

[u/Standard_Category635]

Sounds like it's a good thing you've been the one taking care of the baby. I'm sorry this happened. There's probably a lot of us that can sympathize on exactly how the hell that feels. I'm glad you left and no matter what you decide to do now, document everything. If you decide to take legal action in regards to your relationship and custody, do not confide in him or his family members. I also had a husband who had a screw coming loose after having a baby, and it did not go well, but we are all ok today. I'm so sorry.

[u/Friendly_Interest_62]

You did the right thing. He is not a kind person. When people are stressed, the masks fall off and you see what people actually think. Doen't matter how good he pretends to be sometimes. Inside he is angry and cruel

[u/tsukareneko]

useless man. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m sending good vibes your way. stay strong for yourself and baby. also tell your sister to get out of there, too! 🩷

[u/Glad-Eggplant-3111]

Honeyyyyy I am sending you such a big hug🥺 and also this is not your fault. I know all too well what this feels like. A recommendation from me is to starting listening to the stay or go podcast/youtube channel. She’s also on IG. I personally just joined her community and I’m telling you, to have women know exactly what you’re going through, it’s life changing. I don’t feel so alone. And it’s providing me SO much clarity. I’ve been so confused for so long and her podcast and coaching is helping me tremendously. Please feel free to DM me if you want to talk. Hugs x’s 1 million🫶🏼

[u/MassiveMongoose6793]

Oh, don't worry about not spending time with your baby. This guy wants to spend 0 minutes with her daily. He might demand 50/50 custody to avoid paying child support, but he will not expect to spend a single second with the kid. He just demonstrated exactly how important it is to him not to spend any time with her.

[u/Admirable-Apricot137]

A healthy man, when feeling such extreme stress, would break down with you or walk away and bring himself down from that emotional peak. The fact that you are an acceptable target in his head, in ANY kind of context, is not okay and you are right, you cannot come back from that. 

Do NOT let him convince you that he'll change. He might go through the motions and make a convincing case, but the motivation won't be to actually become a better man, it will be to make you feel safe enough to put your guard down so you continue serving him. 

I'm so sorry, but I'm very proud of you. You will look back on this day and be SO thankful that you listened to your gut!

[u/Bonzer44]

💙

[u/eet_freesh]

With all of the kindness: he doesn't turn into someone selfish, mean, and aggressive over an argument. He is a selfish, mean, and aggressive person.

There will be good information in here for how to make a safety plan for you and your beautiful chunky bb.

There is nothing you can do to assuage a mean, selfish, and aggressive person. You cannot make yourself small enough, big enough, do enough chores the right way, make all the gourmet meals in the world enough to change a mean, selfish, and aggressive person.

You do not have to perform any of the above to dessrve kindness and respect. I'm so sorry.

[u/Aggressive-Angle2160]

How old is little sister? Maybe y'all can get a small place together, even a one bedroom, and figure out a work/childcare arrangement so that you don't have to be away from baby 40 hours a week? I wouldn't do it for anyone else, but if my sibling needed me to work to pay bills/rent and essentially play the role of another parent while her child was a baby, I'd do it. 

[u/Important_Yam_9347]

Very proud of you for getting out when you did and bringing your baby with you, neither of you deserve to live in fear of an angry man. I am sorry he put you in those shoes knowing your history, if he had any ounce of compassion he would have never considered being in your face like that.

[u/BewilderedTurtle]

Girl I think he legit hates you what the fuck

[u/laguerafea]

Please dont go back as someone who stayed for way too long long and ruined my mental health completely you deserve a patient and loving man. You are a WONDERFUL WIFE!! you deserve someone who can appreciate that 200% even in frustration and talk to you with love. Im sorry if you feel that way. If you want a friend reach out your not alone there is a whole crowd of women in here who want to support you.

[u/sunqueen73]

Glad you have boundaries. You are aware he is escalating and it will get to physical abuse soon enough

As for baby, she's around teething age and its painful. My daughter's first 2 choppers cut in around 4.5 months. Give her those cold teething rings or other teething devices or gum numbing stuff for babies

[u/Material-Paper-2960]

I just want to point out how clear it is from your description of your life together that you have been managing him and his anger for quite some time. You go to great lengths to ensure that he has as little opportunity to get stressed and angry as humanly possible. You have been emotionally regulating for him because you know deep down he can’t do it himself. And here you are, having a moment where you got overwhelmed and broke down and stopped regulating for him, and what happened?

[u/KnownBecomesUnknown]

You cater to this man and he thinks you are below him. “How dare this b**** not hold up her end of the contract and complain about it”

[u/ProfessionalHeavy391]

Omg you have to take your daughter and sister and GOOOOOO. This is so bad you have to go for your safety and your family’s.

[u/devilishdivaa]

Believe someone when they show you who they are 🚩

[u/harleenquinzel044]

He will never get better. I have dealt with men like this in the past too and it never got better, only worse. There is no reason he should EVER be speaking to you like that.

[u/mplsgal20]

Please leave. It’s not going to get any better.

[u/PersimmonQueen83]

I am so sorry. You have done so much for him. But he doesn’t respect you. At all. I think fundamentally some men can’t respect women that serve them at that level. I am a SAHM, but I won’t lay out clothes, pack for him, bring him food, clean his bathroom, etc. He even does his own laundry. This isn’t to say any of this is your fault- it isn’t. But this dynamic really seems to engender a view that women are lesser in some men.

[u/Independent_Ad_5664]

Oh girl… hugs. 🫶🫶🫶

[u/LastEconPoet]

Leave him and take everything he has. Leave him lying in the gutter.

[u/Kooky_Celebration_42]

Glad I read down for the clarification on the FTM given I am trans myself haha

But, I am so sorry you have to deal with that. That is horrible.

He shouldn't have done that and quite frankly he should be doing more. The other parent should always be involved enough that they can calm the child down, even if the child does have a preference. Other wise it becomes a self-reinforcing circle. Even if he has such hard work days. I KNOW it is hard, but it's hard for you too.

When my first came along, I was working a full-time engineering job AND contracting AND helping a startup get its feet off the ground WHILE doing everything humanly possible to look after my child. I did everything except breast feed and even then, had stored milk and eventually used formula.

And the aggression and language? You do NOT deserve that and he NEEDS to figure out those anger issues or what ever is going on.

That is not okay in the slightest!

[u/Lookatthatsass]

The problem is you pampered him straight into entitlement so now he thinks he can treat you however he wants and use you as a punching bag when he gets overly frustrated. 

The solution is consequences. Stop doing all of the shit that you’re doing for him. Focus on yourself and your child. Let him understand that speaking to you in that way results in his life drastically changing for the worst. If you just let this go or let him apologize and continue living life after speaking to you that way it will keep happening over and over again.

[u/TheCleaningLady888 → u/Lookatthatsass]

Yes notice how he got this way after he had to do her life for just a moment. Oh, is it frustrating baby boy? Yeah.

[u/MaterialAd1838 → u/Lookatthatsass]

It isn't her fault for being a caring wife. He could choose to empathize, reciprocate, and appreciate her instead of being mean and entitled.

[u/FreshPotatoeButter → u/MaterialAd1838]

To me it’s absolutely insane that a grown ass man needs to be treated like a five year old. This isn’t caring- this is servitude.

[u/LizWins1818 → u/Lookatthatsass]

I can't imagine reading this and beginning your response with, "The problem is you..."

Our culture absolutely hates women.

[u/AppointmentQuirky960]

Okey so I know that this is a girls place and guys shouldnt talk much around here but I believe my experience would be helpful.

My(20M) father is a doctor and my mother is a housewife, they had an arranged marriage. My mother is 4 years older than my father and she has chronical depression (dating back way before their marriage). They both agreed to the marriage for religious reasons and now their relationship sucks.

My father had a stressful job as well. So whenever he was stressed (and he was always stressed) it was a fucking nightmare. I learned to not to speak, express your thoughts or emotions from a very young age. And because he was tired all the time and brought money to home, he always justified himself in his mind. He always says "for 99 percent I keep quiet and when I can't keep it in for that 1percent you guys cant even stand that. Dont you know I work so hard for this house, I do everything for you etc. etc." But the reality is he is angry and stressed every single day. He blames my mom for EVERY problem in his life (even his own mistakes) and even when he tried to hit her, I couldn't make him say "Whaat I did was wrong" He insisted that physical abuse is necessariy sometimes.

As the children there is few times we were physicaally abuse, but psychologically we were always insulted, shouted at and jıdged by all our actions. Most of this psychological abuse were caused academically. But even the most simple events such as a family trip or visiting some relatives were becoming a hell to us because our father was always on the edge.

When I look back to everything happened, only solution comes to my mind is my mother taking action before it was too late. She haven't considered divorce for 15 years. And when she did both my father and her family crushed her and us. If she had set boundries at the early stages of their marriage, didn't let my father be the narcissist he is today and keep in touch with friends and family, she wouldn't be this vulnerable right now. They are still married and everyday my father insults her and she can't say anything.

Of course your case is different from mine. You loved your husband and he loved you. Also you are telling that he is serious about therapy. These are all good signs. I am not telling that you should or shouldn't, but if you want to give him another chance, please set strict boundries. Make sure that he is serious about therapy, make sure that he will never repeat that behaviour again and make sure that you are SAFE.

Hope you a great day. Your plate looks awesome btw.

[u/Lunnalai]

My mom didn't leave. I'm now 44 and still dealing with the consequences of her decision and still sometimes have nightmares about that man. My mom and I's relationship is practically non existent as well, I tolerate her in my life but that's about it. Do not let him try to wiggle his way back in. This is how DM starts, they never start with hitting. Not saying it absolutely will escalate to that but with how quickly he switched, I would never go back

[u/Better-Park8752]

So sorry you’re experiencing this. I hope he pulls his head in and takes corrective action. It’s very hard to be on the receiving end of disrespect. You built a life together all for him to mistreat you like that and pull the rug out from under you. It’s not okay. If he can’t work on himself to be a better man, I hope you choose your inner peace. It will be tough but probably for the best. You sound overwhelmed and overworked.

[u/Zestyclose-Forever55]

you are so very strong. whatever you decide i hope it makes YOU and only YOU happy. take care

[u/butwhyyy2112]

he is absolutely going to talk to your daughter like that fyi. your husband’s personality is my dad. do your daughter a favor and lay down the law, insist on therapy, and if he fucks that up be ready to follow through on gtfo of there because if the behavior isn’t course corrected it always always ALWAYS escalates after fixing it fails. literally be so unforgiving about him not being serious about working on this this. the fact that youre already traumatized and he does it anyway is a double red flag fyi. not gonna go all reddit and say divorce now, for sure try to work through it. but if while working through it “he’s too tired from work” or “sorry babe i promise ill do better/go to therapy/not physically threaten you next time” you need to treat that as the final strike because the next point of escalation will be screaming at your baby or hurting you. full stop. and his whole “i’ll work on it now i swear” shit is so lame. he’ll work on it now that you’re literally walking out the door? cool. cute. very encouraging. lol. now that his bang maid is gone he feels super compelled to be better. let’s see if he can actually follow through on something that isn’t boring ass tired fucking “man verbally abusing wife who does everything for him”.

god these men are so fucking pathetic these anecdotes of a woman who is recovering from childbirth (full recovery is a year and anyone who’d like to fight me on that is extremely welcome to do so) doing literally EVERYTHING for the kid (that’s a whole profession by the way, go ahead and look up salaries for nannies) and everything at home (ANOTHER whole ass job btw and when it’s not someone’s literal taxable job it’s a responsibility shared by multiple adults) AND we’re babying this poor :( tired :( full time job having :( man :( with dinner and immaculate homes and clothing set out (i beg your fucking pardon) and he STILL IS TOO MUCH OF A BITCH TO HANDLE FIFTEEN MINUTES OF CRYING BABY AND OVERTIRED WIFE? men are so strong and tough amiright guys

when is your relaxation time? when do you get to decompress and recover? the bar was “don’t treat me like shit while i do absolutely everything for you” and he couldn’t reach it. why are we married to this? jfc this song is so fucking stale.

i apologize for my rant and outburst, im feeling much better now.

[u/thegreatkizzatsby]

I just want to say that him going to work does not give him a free pass to neglect being an equal partner in the home. Fuck this.

My husband has resorted to angry words in arguments in the past, and things were especially tense in the first year or so after our kid was born. When he tried to use the “I didn’t mean it, it just came out” I called bullshit on him. I asked him if he ever spoke to his boss that way during a hard work day? If he ever spoke to his mother that way during a disagreement? If the answer is a resounding NO, there’s no reason for me to be his verbal punching bag. He CAN and SHOULD control his anger. Especially with a baby in the picture.

Take care of yourself, OP. If your husband is a dead weight, utilize the rest of your village in the best ways you can, whatever that looks like for you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t get stuck in the mentality that you’re stuck or trapped because you’re a SAHM and he’s the breadwinner. If you want out, you can get out.

[u/Cool_Introduction_34]

You put out his towel and clothes for him so he can have a nice shower. You cook his delicious meal. You handle the baby. WTAF is HE stressed about? But you are the Btch....WRONG! He's the lil btch....a man baby. Fuck him. You are awesome and have done nothing wrong.

[u/mildchicanery]

Do not cut back on attention to your baby to soothe the feelings of this man child. Tell him straight up that he needs to get counseling or it is a direct threat to your relationship. You have to protect yourself and your child. That is all that is important. Now is your responsibility to her. He is a grown ass man and should be able to regulate his emotions.

[u/silversidal]

That is so scary! Trust would be in tatters if that happened to me.