My 18 yo sister is pregnant and I’m worried

[u/Ok_Pomegranate8097]

My sister is 18 and recently found out she’s pregnant. She doesn’t have a high school diploma or a job, and honestly, she currently struggles with taking care of herself and handling basic responsibilities.
The father is 19, doesn’t have a diploma or job, and their relationship has been somewhat toxic and unstable. I’m worried about what happens if they don’t stay together.
Another major concern is that she currently has no prenatal care. She has also been smoking marijuana throughout the pregnancy so far, which really worries me. I’ve tried expressing my concerns, but I feel like the seriousness of the situation isn’t really being acknowledged. My dad doesn’t seem to be concerned about the reality of the situation.
I love my sister and I’m absolutely going to be there for her, but I genuinely don’t agree with her having a baby at this point in her life. What bothers me is that nobody seems to be asking the practical questions: How are they going to finish school? How will they support the baby? Who will provide childcare? Where will they live? What happens if their relationship ends?
We also have five younger siblings under 10, so I’m worried my dad will help so much that the rest of the family ends up raising this baby too. I don’t want to abandon my sister, but I also don’t think supporting her should mean taking over her responsibilities.
What makes this even harder is that our mom passed away only six months ago. I feel like she would have been the person to sit my sister down and have the difficult, honest conversation about what having a baby at 18 actually means. Now she’s not here, and I feel like nobody wants to acknowledge how serious this situation is. I’m also grieving my mom while trying to process my sister becoming a mother so soon after we lost her.
I’m not saying my sister can’t become a good mother. I just think this is going to be an enormous responsibility, especially considering both parents’ current circumstances and the lack of prenatal care.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? How can I support my sister without enabling everyone else to become responsible for raising her child?

[u/a_wine_dark_sea]

You aren’t wrong in feeling this way. You should say everything you just said to all the adults involved - your sister, her boyfriend, your father, the boyfriend’s mother… a nice big sit down talk together. You’re the one that seems to have thought everything through. You can get it all off of your chest to the relevant parties. Best of luck. 💔

[u/No_Frosting101]

The fact that your sister is smoking weed while pregnant is an indicator that she's not ready to have a baby. Maybe you should take her to the baby aisle and show her how expensive everything is, show her the side effects of smoking on development, show her what school costs, etc. Maybe it will make her realize she needs to start taking things seriously. Explain to her how she can get arrested if she neglects the baby or if something happens to the baby under her care. She might consider adoption at that point or she might realize she needs to start acting like a mother and preparing for the child's future. Unfortunately, it sounds like your dad is an enabler and he will likely raise the baby while she's out partying. If he does do that, don't be shocked if she ends up having more kids and dumping them on you. The best thing you can do is be supportive, but firm. She can choose to raise the baby, but then she actually has to do it.

[u/Which-Decision → u/No_Frosting101]

Op needs to find someone in a facebook mommy group with a colicky baby or a baby who cries a lot and have her sister sleep on the couch and not get any sleep. 

[u/Acceptable-Bat4534 → u/Which-Decision]

Hell no. She sounds irresponsible. I would not trust her with a crying baby

[u/Which-Decision → u/Acceptable-Bat4534]

I never said have her take care of  the crying baby. I said have her sleep on the couch to hear the baby cry. 

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/nucleophilic → u/Which-Decision]

Or just have her watch Eraserhead

[u/thucy94]

Well...if you're not in a legal state & the baby tests positive for THC at birth CPS / DCS will 100% be involved.

Not getting prenatal care is already a form of neglect. Is she even taking prenatals?

I'd talk to her about adoption bc it doesn't seem she even wants the baby...or even abortion. This child doesn't deserve to be neglected.

& no you're not wrong for feeling this way

She's already failing that innocent child.

[u/a_wine_dark_sea → u/thucy94]

Yes, even if she tests positive at her first visit and no others, they will report it even if the baby tests negative if the hospital feels like it.

Edited to add: I know this because it happened to me. Didn’t know I was pregnant, got prenatal care at 3 months and tested positive. Never tested positive again, baby tested negative. L&D nurse was a nightmare, and immediately said she was reporting me when she saw my test results, before I had even given birth, for that single positive test.

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[u/damnimstupid]

Im sorry this is awful. Do you think she would be able to get an abortion? Absolutely nothing wrong with getting an abortion and I think the ‘shame’ keeps women from doing it but hey it takes two to tango. 

Bringing a kid into the picture changes your ability to be a young person and make bad decisions. Its better to just not if you have the privilege not to.

[u/blondetourage83 → u/damnimstupid]

An abortion would be the best solution here for everyone!

[u/Elegant-Analyst-7381]

First of all: It's very sad about your mother passing. She sounds like a wonderful mother, and I'm sure her presence is missed in your family. I'm sorry you don't have her in your life any more.

Second: While you have valid concerns, you have to accept that there's a limit to what you can do. It seems your sister does not care about these things and will not listen to you (but have you tried? A heart-to-heart conversation where you bring up your concerns might be good). You can't control other people's actions, only your own.

Help out to the extent you are comfortable. Do not let anyone guilt you into helping out past that. Do not feel guilty about calling CPS if you feel it is warranted. Your priority should be your own mental and emotional health, only after that can you worry about those around you.

[u/Radiant-Series6120]

From the title I was like this is totally doable, she just needs a lot of support. After reading all that, it’s clear she is a train wreck and not ready to be a mom.

I got pregnant at 21. Didn’t have a ton going for me, but I definitely had stability. With my families help I was able to do a great job with my daughter. I got it all together, landed a great career, and have a wonderful teenage daughter now.

Unfortunately your sister sounds like she needs intervention that you guys aren’t likely to be able to provide. If she’s smoking while pregnant, she clearly doesn’t have her child’s best interest in mind. The fact that she isn’t asking for everyone’s support with her plan to finish school and work is not a good sign.

I’d see if you could have a heart or heart with her. Be supportive but direct. Suggest she find social programs. Beyond that, so little is in your control. Unfortunately it sounds like she’s going to fuck this up, and her child will be raised by the family or taken. Whatever happens isn’t your fault.

[u/TALKTOME0701]

I'm so sorry. So many things to deal with at the same time. I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom. Your dad is probably reeling, and with so many little ones, he may not have the emotional mental or physical strength to deal with the fact that your sister is pregnant 

Set some clear rules for yourself about what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. That's all we can do 

You can have that serious conversation with your sister. 

I do think I would be more worried about if they did stay together. Her boyfriend sounds like he's not fit to be a partner or a father

I would really like an update if you don't mind

[u/Acrobatic_Hunt_8496]

Wtf you eating bro

[u/juicyth10]

I had my daughter at 18 and finished high school with a 2 month old in my arms. I took my classes at home with no help from her father. I got a job 3 months after graduating and my mom really helped me a lot with watching my daughter. It was a lot and I look at my daughter now that's almost 18 and I love her but I wouldn't want the same for her. I'm not sure how open and understanding your sister will be if you had an honest conversation but it might be worth it just mention you support her either way

[u/OptimalOcto485]

No one is asking the “practical questions” because your dad and your sister probably assume you’ll be helping raise this kid since you’re the oldest. If I were you I’d move away before they try to make someone else’s kid my responsibility…

[u/TheCraftyHermit]

Your sister has both the right and the responsibility to make her own choices, the key here being responsibility. Expecting family to handle the responsibility of your choices is selfish. Family is there to support you, sure, but there's a difference between helping someone to walk on their own two feet and just straight up carrying somone. Honestly OP, I'd make your boundaries clear from the get-go. Genuinely, don't let the responsibilities they try to foist on you prevent you from looking after your own life, no matter how much they try to guilt trip you. "I'm sorry, I can't I've got to work on my assignments, sorry, I've got a shift at work" etc are legitimate reasons and are important stepping stones for your future. You want to help your sister, and that's kind, but ultimately she has to be willing to accept that help for it to go anywhere, so if you try some of the suggestions you get here but aren't able to get through to her, then just keep moving. If nothing else, be aware that in the long run you'll be helping your family more by being self-sufficient than you ever could be as a live-in babysitter.

[u/blondetourage83]

Is it too late to talk her into an abortion?

[u/Constant_Cultural]

How old are you? It sounds harsh, but I would move away, she needs to realize that she stands on her own feet now and you can't help her

[u/Ok_Pomegranate8097 → u/Constant_Cultural]

I’m 22

[u/Constant_Cultural → u/Ok_Pomegranate8097]

that's a good time to re-invent yourself in a new town.

[u/LandofExcape]

Okay I read a lot but not all btw the food looks bomb is it pork and mac and cheese?
I had a 18 year old sister who was pregnant she is now 27 with her RN. Sometimes the baby makes things better bring joy and clarity BUT it does not make it easier. Life will be harder, as harsh as it may sound and as much as I would have disagreed years ago — abortion or find someone who is interesting and having a baby and let them be the guardian. My sister life has not been easy and plus kids are expensive asf. And your sister has no education and your family doesn’t seem in the position to be able to financially support her or the baby.

BUT there is another way she needs her GED or go back to school. After that go to trade school or nursing school because that baby deserves a better life and if she doesn’t do that tell her straight up that she is fucking that kid up before the kid even have an opportunity live because honesty is love.

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[u/Which-Decision]

Can you take her to a planned parenthood to get prenatal care if you don't have insurance? Maybe get her prenatal vitamins aswell. Maybe you can find someone in a mommy Facebook group to let your sister and the dad sleep over with you and hear the baby cry. I don't know if you or your sister is okay with abortion but maybe hearing the baby cry all night will make her change her mind. Don't encourage her to have an abortion until after. 

[u/a_wine_dark_sea → u/Which-Decision]

In the US, she’s 18 and pregnant she pretty much automatically qualifies for Medicaid

[u/dorkofthepolisci]

Is the relationship good enough that you, as the older sibling are able to sit down and have a frank conversation?

If she doesn’t have prenatal care because she doesn’t have insurance/can’t afford it, is she willing to go to a PP or youth health clinic?

Lastly - is teen pregnancy common in your family? Were your mom/grandma/aunts young parents?

it possible that she’s not recognizing the severity of the situation because to her, struggling to support children when you’re not financially or emotionally in a good place is normalized?

[u/Ok_Pomegranate8097 → u/dorkofthepolisci]

We do have a pretty close relationship as sisters and she’s looking into the prenatal care right now I did kind of straight up tell her that I felt like she should get an abortion and she said she doesn’t know if she wants to do that but the way she is going about things makes me think she is planning on keeping the baby. No none of the women in my family were teen mothers my mother had me at 23 and my grandma had her at 28.

[u/Ok_Pomegranate8097 → u/[deleted]]

It has nothing to do with me not wanting to help her. I’m just worried she didn’t understanding the gravity of this situation and how her life will look if she decided to go through with the pregnancy…

[u/No_Frosting101 → u/Ok_Pomegranate8097]

She doesn't understand. She probably thinks your dad is going to raise the baby for her and that her life will continue. Or she thinks having a baby is cute and will save her toxic relationship. Either way, she's not taking it seriously and you have every right to be worried.

[u/matchamagpie → u/[deleted]]

Other siblings? You think the siblings under 10 should be parentified to help raise this child? Their childhood should absolutely not be taken away.

[u/No_Frosting101 → u/[deleted]]

Why do the siblings need to help raise her child? Also, she's smoking weed while she's pregnant and doesn't seem concerned how it will affect her baby. I think OP has a right to be worried about such things. Babies don't survive off of love and air. Having a baby isn't a small thing, either. Yes, she's young, but she needs to actually take her pregnancy seriously if she wants to raise the baby.

[u/Which-Decision → u/[deleted]]

Her sister is smoking weed while pregnant. How is she not supposed to think poorly of her?

[u/Salt_Statement_7151 → u/[deleted]]

What the heck do you mean there are plenty of other sibling to help?!?! they are ALL UNDER 10 YEARS OLD, they are very much just children themselves

[u/LadyJinxInCali → u/[deleted]]

Cannot disagree with this strongly enough. She is an adult and this is NOT your problem. If she is adult enough to keep the baby, she is adult enough to deal with the consequences. Focus on getting yourself out of that home and being successful.