my boyfriend wants to use hinge to make female friends

[u/Specific_Broccoli]

hi girls. tonight we're having drunken udon noodles with a dirty martini because my original dinner was a single olive in said martini and the mods quite reasonably informed me that this does not constitute food 💛 humiliating. anyway, i've acquired noodles. sadly they have done nothing for the boyfriend situation.

i've been with my boyfriend for about a year. a while ago he told me he was going out for drinks with a female friend i'd never heard of before. slightly odd, but fine. women are allowed to exist and i'm not asking for a register of every woman he's ever met.

then completely randomly i found out they'd actually met on hinge before we got together.

this was information he'd somehow neglected to include when describing her as “a friend”.

when i asked him about it, he insisted they'd never dated and had simply become friends. personally i'd consider “we originally matched on a dating app” fairly relevant supporting documentation when telling your girlfriend you're off for drinks with a woman she's never heard of, but perhaps i'm overly committed to administrative transparency.

also: HE arranged the drinks. and she apparently didn't properly know he had a girlfriend either. he'd vaguely mentioned seeing someone but somehow never managed the enormous linguistic undertaking of saying “i have a girlfriend”.

so: former hinge match, drinks he initiated, girlfriend doesn't know their history, hinge woman doesn't really know about girlfriend. extremely efficient system. nobody has the full information except him.

we obviously had a massive row.

and somehow his takeaway from this was to ask whether i'd be okay with him using hinge to find more female friends in the future.

hinge. for female friends.

apparently we're treating the dating app like a local knitting circle now.

he thinks i'm being controlling because he wouldn't be “looking for dates”. i think if you're opening hinge specifically to meet women, we may simply have reached the limits of the english language.

anyway, we're currently barely speaking and he's annoyed that i'm struggling to move past something he insists was completely innocent.

perhaps tomorrow i'll download deliveroo and use it to find a dentist.

am i being unreasonable or has this entire situation gone completely off the rails?

edit: for context, there was actually a whole period before the “hinge for female friends” suggestion where i just felt completely insane for being upset that he'd gone for drinks with a woman, told me basically nothing about her, and i only found out by accident later that they'd originally met on a dating app. i've had jealousy issues before, so i kept telling myself i was being insecure and needed to trust the man who'd always made me feel incredibly loved and secure. then he suggested using hinge to find more female friends and my remaining brain cell finally clocked in for work. apparently i'd overcorrected from “jealous girlfriend” all the way to unpaid defence counsel 💀

[u/PlantainOk4702]

Girl, with peace and love are you seriously falling for this guy's obvious lie?? 

[u/Adept_Taro_7028 → u/PlantainOk4702]

I literally can’t with some people on this sub anymore. The amount of blatant disrespect I see women put up with, and for what? Just some dude. OP if you insist on staying with this loser just download hinge and make guy friends and be vague about your relationship status too, he will definitely support that.

[u/RitneySpirs → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

Exactly my thoughts. Its been super annoying seeing so many posts like this, annoying in a “cant believe women go through stuff like this and be okay and still be with this fucking loser” sense hahaha

[u/InterestingTry5190 → u/RitneySpirs]

I thought this had to be the circle jerk sub before double checking.

[u/Twidollyn_Bowie → u/InterestingTry5190]

I’m sure something very reminiscent of this post is either there or about to be.

[u/crindy- → u/InterestingTry5190]

I scrolled up thrice thinking it was

[u/144597 → u/InterestingTry5190]

Same

[u/Embarrassed_Put_7892 → u/RitneySpirs]

Ugh I know right. I just want these women to be empowered to absolutely not put up with these complete and utter losers. For me it’s the ones where they share text messages from absolute bellends who talk to them like they’re pieces of shit. Like how DARE they talk to anyone like that?

This is my PSA to all women: have higher expectations of men and higher standards for yourself. Do not accept or tolerate this bullshit behaviour. Do not accept being talked down to. Do not accept being treated like an idiot. Walk. Away.

[u/QueenJillybean → u/Embarrassed_Put_7892]

Girl, these kinds of posts like what you just said, these comments helped me leave. It took years, but they helped.

[u/bistrodelphine → u/RitneySpirs]

For me it's a side-eyed, "Surely this is karma farming."

[u/RitneySpirs → u/bistrodelphine]

You might be right too

[u/DoctorAnnual6823 → u/bistrodelphine]

Preach

Unfortunately the internet is designed in such a way that ragebait has insane engagement and plays into most algorithms.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/BennyVsTheWorld → u/RitneySpirs]

It’s so frustrating because there are some situations where you need a n outside perspective to see things are bad and there are some situations where you should immediately recognize what’s happening is not acceptable. And we are seeing so many of the latter lately. Just, why?

[u/molecule_anteater68 → u/RitneySpirs]

it's harder for people to walk away when women do lose social and professional status not being partnered, especially when more times than not, they're taking a huge financial hit walking away compared to men who walk away. and shit like proving fault for divorce.

no one goes into a relationship wanting to be taken advantage of but girls who have weathered a lifetime of being told they aren't good enough or that they are only loved if they are with a man can't identify loser behavior because the adults in their lives taught them that is what they deserved. people date patterns, not abusers.

so while it is annoying for many of us, it's more tragic than anything. it's honestly brave for some of these women to even post it publicly online for feedback because it means they know in their gut something is wrong, and need to be told by safer people that they deserve better.

[u/trekkielvbrekkie → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

Had to leave the r/pregnant sub for this exact reason.

[u/Adept_Taro_7028 → u/trekkielvbrekkie]

That sounds absolutely heartbreaking, I couldn’t imagine.

[u/NewHorizons66 → u/trekkielvbrekkie]

I'm on that sub and I am like omg....some of them even state their men were bad before they were pregnant and are surprised they didnt change or got worse after. Some of the stories I read in there im like get out...NOW. then they start defending it and im like nope, cant stick around with this one.

[u/no_winkles → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

Same. I’m a lesbian who is married to a woman, and I cannot fathom either of us acting like half the men we hear about on this sub. 🤯

If I went up to my wife and asked if I could make friends on Hinge, I do not know what she would do, but it would be scary. 😂

[u/molecule_anteater68 → u/no_winkles]

and it's crazy that he went out of his way to choose HINGE for that instead of BUMBLE BFF. playing in her face so boldly.

[u/Aquatichive → u/no_winkles]

Looking good brother in Vance!

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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[u/marathon_bar → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

OP might be like me and grew up in an extremely dysfunctional environment and therefore never gained relationship intelligence during formative years.

[u/AggressiveGarbage91 → u/marathon_bar]

took me my entire 20s to gain relationship intelligence and grow enough self respect to stop allowing men free passes. and now in my 30s, I've actually grown into my spinster man-hating feelings quicker than anticipated because I am so tired of men's bad behavior being ignored and excused away. I'm in a happy relationship with an amazing, thoughtful man who even apologizes, but most men have me wishing I could burn holes in them with my sight.

[u/AggressiveGarbage91 → u/[deleted]]

all my luck, babe. and remember, every single person on this planet is responsible for managing their own emotions and reactions, bad behavior does not deserve a reward, and you deserve to feel peace and comfort from your loved ones. ✨

[u/marathon_bar → u/AggressiveGarbage91]

Yes, it takes a while to build that intelligence.

[u/tayrosemarie → u/AggressiveGarbage91]

I’m finally putting in the effort to learn this as a 33 year old woman. It’s so hard when you were taught dysfunctional relationship dynamics growing up. But the alternative is continuing putting up with men’s bullshit, believing that we need men, and that we deserve to be treated less than we deserve. I’m trying to accept that it isn’t my fault where I started or that it has taken me as long as it has, but that is also so hard. But I can do it and so can any other woman reading this.

[u/Special-Summer170 → u/marathon_bar]

Yeah, it's a whole thing. Learning that stuff on the fly really sucks

[u/marathon_bar → u/Special-Summer170]

It sure does.

[u/raspberrih → u/marathon_bar]

Well I think we're a bit past formative years now, aren't we

[u/marathon_bar → u/raspberrih]

And then it takes time to build up those skills.

[u/Adept_Taro_7028 → u/marathon_bar]

I’m honestly not sure that’s much of an excuse. OP took the first steps and asked for perspective, which is good, but growing up dysfunctionally doesn’t automatically make you lack basic self respect. It just really sucks that she had to learn that lesson this way and I feel for her, but I hope she listens to her gut and all of the other supportive women in this sub.

[u/marathon_bar → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

It's an explanation. Everyone starts from somewhere.

[u/Leather_Following381 → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

I know these dudes aren’t amazing in bed so what’s the point.

[u/Few_Beach1970 → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

It’s actually ridiculous. This why I made that rage post. I’m disappointed in us women putting up with this shit

[u/thotasune → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

This sub lowkey has a pickme/MRA problem

[u/MustardGoddess → u/thotasune]

It's full ON pickme highkey. I have sighed a lot today

[u/hummingbirdhi → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

This was going to be my comment. I was going to say do this to mess with him for a month, and go meet some new guy friends, but also fully knowing that you’re also going to leave at the end of that time because your ideas / values / understandings do not align. Also while still “dating,” invite yourself to the drinks with his new friends since you’d love to meet his new friends he’s making. lol. If he tries to explain why that won’t work just keep questioning him about why not but like, not in an accusatory way. In a very friendly way.

[u/Molly-Grue-2u → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

He might actually, some people want open relationships

[u/xDanielle- → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

That would’ve literally been the first thing I did. I’d be like, “No worries, I’m feeling a bit friendless too.. I’ll be downloading Tinder to remedy that.”

[u/glttrsprnkl → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

‘my partner wants to cheat on me what should I do’ 😭 I’m so tired. the answer is obvious.

[u/DoctorAnnual6823 → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

The bar is actually so fucking low that Satan uses it to hoist his nutsack.

[u/hey_you_fuck_you → u/Adept_Taro_7028]

Like this woman wisely said. I think it applies to this sub sometimes...

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/Blucey303 → u/PlantainOk4702]

I’m confused why there was even a fight after the beginning incident. There is no way to explain that away. Why is OP even there to hear the ridiculous second statement. He thinks you are dumb and desperate.

[u/Environmental-Town31 → u/PlantainOk4702]

She totally is.

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[u/MaxDreamsOfZombies → u/PlantainOk4702]

This. He's full of shit and preying on your self doubt to make you swallow his nonsense. Don't doubt yourself.

[u/Mlkbird14 → u/PlantainOk4702]

This is the definition of gaslighting.

[u/deadinsidelol69 → u/PlantainOk4702]

Dude is literally telling her he’s going to cheat on her and she’s like “hmmm what do I do?”

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[u/wonderfulkneecap → u/PlantainOk4702]

I have met a lot of cool women on Hinge. We ended up bitching about our boyfriends. Who basically tried to noogie us into threesomes with women because we - one time, to them - admitted to bisexual instincts. (I have yet to orgasm from Hinge.)

It's one of the most misogynistic dating apps because it's bisexual. Manipulative straight men feel like boyfriends are always jumping the queue to the threesome.

Meanwhile, the couples are often a woman-leading account and a shitty boyfriend

OP - dump your boyfriend. xx