my boyfriend wants to use hinge to make female friends

[u/Specific_Broccoli]

hi girls. tonight we're having drunken udon noodles with a dirty martini because my original dinner was a single olive in said martini and the mods quite reasonably informed me that this does not constitute food 💛 humiliating. anyway, i've acquired noodles. sadly they have done nothing for the boyfriend situation.

i've been with my boyfriend for about a year. a while ago he told me he was going out for drinks with a female friend i'd never heard of before. slightly odd, but fine. women are allowed to exist and i'm not asking for a register of every woman he's ever met.

then completely randomly i found out they'd actually met on hinge before we got together.

this was information he'd somehow neglected to include when describing her as “a friend”.

when i asked him about it, he insisted they'd never dated and had simply become friends. personally i'd consider “we originally matched on a dating app” fairly relevant supporting documentation when telling your girlfriend you're off for drinks with a woman she's never heard of, but perhaps i'm overly committed to administrative transparency.

also: HE arranged the drinks. and she apparently didn't properly know he had a girlfriend either. he'd vaguely mentioned seeing someone but somehow never managed the enormous linguistic undertaking of saying “i have a girlfriend”.

so: former hinge match, drinks he initiated, girlfriend doesn't know their history, hinge woman doesn't really know about girlfriend. extremely efficient system. nobody has the full information except him.

we obviously had a massive row.

and somehow his takeaway from this was to ask whether i'd be okay with him using hinge to find more female friends in the future.

hinge. for female friends.

apparently we're treating the dating app like a local knitting circle now.

he thinks i'm being controlling because he wouldn't be “looking for dates”. i think if you're opening hinge specifically to meet women, we may simply have reached the limits of the english language.

anyway, we're currently barely speaking and he's annoyed that i'm struggling to move past something he insists was completely innocent.

perhaps tomorrow i'll download deliveroo and use it to find a dentist.

am i being unreasonable or has this entire situation gone completely off the rails?

edit: for context, there was actually a whole period before the “hinge for female friends” suggestion where i just felt completely insane for being upset that he'd gone for drinks with a woman, told me basically nothing about her, and i only found out by accident later that they'd originally met on a dating app. i've had jealousy issues before, so i kept telling myself i was being insecure and needed to trust the man who'd always made me feel incredibly loved and secure. then he suggested using hinge to find more female friends and my remaining brain cell finally clocked in for work. apparently i'd overcorrected from “jealous girlfriend” all the way to unpaid defence counsel 💀

[u/leeloo123 → u/[deleted]]

I understand exactly where you’re at girl. I really hope you find the strength to leave him one day soon. But I know that’s easier said than done. Rooting for you ❤️

[u/QuickZookeepergame98 → u/[deleted]]

Girl, you aren't even married to him or have kids with him right? You haven't bought property with him?

Those tend to be parts of life...I guarantee you he will make a mistake. That's just human. If you're already at your limit of stupid shit you can put up with, break up now. It's just a matter of time. You don't have to hate him, there doesn't have to be "the last straw", you can just be done. That's okay.

[u/i_wanna_draw_that → u/[deleted]]

Don’t settle just because the downsides are barely tolerable. There’s a whole lot of life to live. Choose the pasta that makes you happiest.

Edit: the typo is too good to change

[u/CoffeeIcedBlack → u/i_wanna_draw_that]

Nice 😂

[u/molecule_anteater68 → u/[deleted]]

the sooner you walk away from something you know isn't going to change, the sooner you will be finding more fulfilling experiences with literally anything without risking your housing, wallet, or psychological health. if you feel like you have to have proof of him making a mistake in order for him to not publicly blame you for doing him dirty by leaving, it's a lost cause and a sign he's not respecting you in the first place. he can be in love with you, and still lack the intimacy required to even want to learn the skills of repair, communication, coregulation, and accountability. all of the later actually defines respect, not how he thinks of you. it's okay we have to leave relationships/friendships that did define our life positively in some way and pushed us to grow.

something to learn (therapy really helps with this) is changing or wanting to change for someone else is temporary. you have to want to change for yourself, and he has to want to get better for himself. tying self esteem to external things outside your control is a recipe for disaster because we can never control what other people choose to do. you aren't responsible for how he's viewed in the world and you have value outside proof of being wanted. this goes for jobs and stuff too. rejection sucks regardless but staying in a relationship because you're scared of feeling like a failure only will eventually make you feel like a failure in other ways.

don't go to the hardware store to buy milk.

[u/trixiepixie1921 → u/QuickZookeepergame98]

I co sign this !! There’s nothing wrong with just walking away.

[u/MyriTheFirst → u/[deleted]]

But why spend life in wait of his last mistake? You’ve not even done the hard parts of life with him yet, and he still isn’t being a good partner. You’re allowed to want better for yourself, you don’t need to hate him/be abused to desire better. Your bar is way down in hell. You’re starting off from a place of broken trust, where he needs to continuously prove he is worthy of that trust, and where you’re always watchful. Personally, that sounds like a terrible and exhausting way to look towards the future. Your life and wellbeing is surely worth more than that. Have you truly regained your sense of self, away from him? Because the rest of your comments do not read this way. Take care of yourself, because I guarantee he will not do that for you.

[u/ru_a_badfish2 → u/[deleted]]

I’m glad you’re happy now but there are a lot of red flags here. I know it seems hard, maybe even impossible to leave now but it will get harder. I married and bought property with a man and leaving has been hell, I’m stuck in a seemingly endless (and unimaginably expensive) divorce process and he WON’T LEAVE.

Do yourself a favor and get out, or at least don’t make any huge commitments to him. The best time to leave was when he pulled all that shit originally, the second best time is now.

[u/MossyPlantyWitchy → u/[deleted]]

😂😂😂

Girl.

[u/Typical2sday → u/[deleted]]

Girl I am seeing you. It was not about you being enough; it was about his BS insecurities and what he believed he’s entitled to as a dude. 🤦🏻‍♀️ There are a lot of good dudes who have stupid periods in the past and that’s an unfortunate reality. Half of pop and rock music wouldn’t exist if this weren’t true.

But this seems to be something you’re not reconciled to, so like the other girl said, I get strong vibes that future you is asking present you to make a harder decision. Either to move on or do harder work to be okay with this on a daily basis. Bc I do believe that lots of people fuck up a some times in life and as much as all of Reddit would like otherwise, not everyone will have A+ interactions every single day. You navigate them. If you just can’t get past it, then future you wants to be unburdened.

[u/tayrosemarie → u/[deleted]]

You can leave him and still know that you are enough. Leaving him won’t change your worth. He didn’t give you your worth, I have a strong feeling that you found it on your own and projected what you were learning and realizing onto him. Or that because he was there to support you in some way, that you attribute more than he actually contributed.

Emphasizing that you’re worthy, valuable, and enough with OR without this man or any man.

[u/Wanderlustwaar → u/[deleted]]

A red flag never turns green. You deserve better.

[u/BennyVsTheWorld → u/[deleted]]

You’re still way out of his league. Love yourself, girl. You deserve better.

[u/Sensitive-Orange7203 → u/[deleted]]

Man I followed this exact path. It did turn out to be a mistake and I wasted 10 years.

Look, people are humans and he’s bound to make another mistake again. Problem is, he’s already over quota. This relationship is dead mama.

You need to find someone else with a fresh quota who (hopefully) won’t blow it on bullshit like this guy did.

[u/Beestorm → u/[deleted]]

Wait so are y’all still together?

[u/vomputer → u/[deleted]]

With all love and respect, find a man who you can trust. This one isn’t it.

[u/Remarkable_Carry480 → u/[deleted]]

I’m in the same situation. Weve known for 10 years. But it’s been a year and a half since he kept going again and again to some girlys apartment and stayed with her in her bed to apparently make fun of her because she wanted to sleep with him and he didnt. ( I think nothing happened) I lost all my love since then but he keeps swearing up and down that he is sorry and he will be better. He never is.

Idk what im waiting for. I regret im still here
But the difference is that he is a really handsome man. all the girls look at him and try to flirt… And he just fucked up back then. Didnt know what to do. And he did that instead of turning the girly down instantly