my boyfriend wants to use hinge to make female friends

[u/Specific_Broccoli]

hi girls. tonight we're having drunken udon noodles with a dirty martini because my original dinner was a single olive in said martini and the mods quite reasonably informed me that this does not constitute food 💛 humiliating. anyway, i've acquired noodles. sadly they have done nothing for the boyfriend situation.

i've been with my boyfriend for about a year. a while ago he told me he was going out for drinks with a female friend i'd never heard of before. slightly odd, but fine. women are allowed to exist and i'm not asking for a register of every woman he's ever met.

then completely randomly i found out they'd actually met on hinge before we got together.

this was information he'd somehow neglected to include when describing her as “a friend”.

when i asked him about it, he insisted they'd never dated and had simply become friends. personally i'd consider “we originally matched on a dating app” fairly relevant supporting documentation when telling your girlfriend you're off for drinks with a woman she's never heard of, but perhaps i'm overly committed to administrative transparency.

also: HE arranged the drinks. and she apparently didn't properly know he had a girlfriend either. he'd vaguely mentioned seeing someone but somehow never managed the enormous linguistic undertaking of saying “i have a girlfriend”.

so: former hinge match, drinks he initiated, girlfriend doesn't know their history, hinge woman doesn't really know about girlfriend. extremely efficient system. nobody has the full information except him.

we obviously had a massive row.

and somehow his takeaway from this was to ask whether i'd be okay with him using hinge to find more female friends in the future.

hinge. for female friends.

apparently we're treating the dating app like a local knitting circle now.

he thinks i'm being controlling because he wouldn't be “looking for dates”. i think if you're opening hinge specifically to meet women, we may simply have reached the limits of the english language.

anyway, we're currently barely speaking and he's annoyed that i'm struggling to move past something he insists was completely innocent.

perhaps tomorrow i'll download deliveroo and use it to find a dentist.

am i being unreasonable or has this entire situation gone completely off the rails?

edit: for context, there was actually a whole period before the “hinge for female friends” suggestion where i just felt completely insane for being upset that he'd gone for drinks with a woman, told me basically nothing about her, and i only found out by accident later that they'd originally met on a dating app. i've had jealousy issues before, so i kept telling myself i was being insecure and needed to trust the man who'd always made me feel incredibly loved and secure. then he suggested using hinge to find more female friends and my remaining brain cell finally clocked in for work. apparently i'd overcorrected from “jealous girlfriend” all the way to unpaid defence counsel 💀

[u/klv3vb]

Your “jealousy” issue is just your intuition screaming for you to address the elephant in the room.

Trust yourself and get out of this polyamorous asshole relationshit. He’s not choosing you. He’s choosing to see other people and he’s lying to your face about it.

[u/TrelanaSakuyo → u/klv3vb]

It's not even poly. It's just someone wanting the thrill of cheating.

[u/rratmannnn → u/klv3vb]

This is so important for more people to realize. Obviously, sometimes it really is an issue, but even then I feel like half the time it’s a holdover from having your trust and self esteem screwed with in the past.

When I was with a piece of shit who regularly cheated on me, I was so jealous and unhinged and stressed out and emotional that I qualified for a BPD dx. With my wife, I hardly ever experience or exhibit anything that could be described as a BPD symptom. When I get jealous it’s because I want to spend more time with her, not because I think she’s going to step out on me with the people she’s out with. When people are into her, I get salty at them, not at her.

(Obviously I’m not saying all bpd or mental health anything is purely circumstantial, but the impact of how safe your partner actually is has a TON of impact)