But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

I did that but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

A young polar bear is wandering around the iceberg and he sees his grandfather. He asks him "Grandpa am I all polar bear? Do I have any other type of bear in me, like a black bear?" Grandpa polar bear responds, "no grandson you're a polar bear.

The young bear is wandering some more and sees his uncle. "Uncle am I totally polar bear? Do I have and brown bear in me?" His uncle responds, "No you're all polar bear."

Seemingly confused, the yound polar bear sees his father a little ways ahead. "Dad am I totally polar bear? Is there any panda bear in me?" The father responds, "No son you're 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?"

The young polar bear responds, "because I'm fucking cold!"

All the toilets were stolen from the police station. They have nothing to go on.

The wheels were stolen from all the police cars. They are working tirelessly to find them.

Someone drilled a hole in the wall around the nudist colony. The police are looking into it.

1,000 wigs were stolen from a wig shop. Police are combing the area.

Police found 12 bottles of whisky in a cardboard box. They don't know who the owner is but are working diligently on the case.

The cops arrested a dwarf fortune teller; last night he escaped. Now they are searching for a small medium at large.

Someone stole a truckload of viagra. Police are looking for group of hardened criminals.

It's shortening.

ETA The best time to tell this joke is when a guy already has Crisco on his hands, or anything else that could be called "shortening". Warn him to wash his hands thoroughly before using the toilet so he doesn't get any on his penis, then walk away as if on urgent business without explaining.

If you're lucky, he'll believe you, end up frantically washing his hands while doing the pee-pee dance, then he'll ask for an explanation afterwards. I only ever had it work out that way once, but the look on his face still warms my heart.

The man inside asks "what can i do for you"

The buddhist says "make me one with everything"

His wife asks, "where were you?" He replies, "at the cemetery."

"Oh, really, huh, who died?" She questioned.

"Everybody," he says.

Guy dies, goes to Hell. He’s pissed, mad, sitting in the corner mumbling and thinking how did I end up here.

When all the sudden the Devil himself walks up.

“What’s the problem? The Devil says.

“I’m in Hell. The man says. This sucks.”

“Nahh, says the Devil. Hell isn’t that bad. Trust me. We have a lot going on. This place is fun”

The guy looks at the Devil puzzled…

“You don’t believe me? I’ll prove it to you. The Devil says. You like gambling?”

Yes, the guys says.. I guess so.

“We have gambling on Tuesdays. All the gambling you could want; we got craps, poker, slots, strip poker I mean it’s Hell who cares”

The guy looks at him amused. The Devil continues…

“Wednesday- all you can drink baby! We got everything. Beer, wine, hard stuff, you name it we got it. You like to drink right?” You can get absolutely hammered, doesn’t matter you’re in Hell.

The guy starts to smile a bit. “Sure, I like to drink”

The Devil continues. “See, told you man. How about drugs? You like drugs? On Saturday we do drug night. Everything you could want; weed, coke, acid, pills we got it all. It’s Hell I told you we have fun down here. No one cares”

The guy becomes excited, realizing well shit, the Devil is right maybe Hell isn’t that bad after all.

Noticing the man is now relaxed the Devil smiles. “See I told you. Hell isn’t that bad. Let me ask you this… Are you gay?”

“No way! Yells the man. Absolutely not!

“Damn… the Devil says. You’re gonna hate Friday”

Of course I said yes.

So she told me she only liked me as a friend.

He said: "Gays like Sony. Lesbians like Yamaha, and transgenders prefer Bose."

I said: Oh son, those are just stereo types.

It's right there in the mission statement. They must boldly go where no man has gone before.

Hearing-Aids!

...start keeping an eye out for an authentic costume design.

A shoe

Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Pianist: "Allegretto?"

Cop: "Faster."

Pianist: "Allegro?"

Cop: "Even faster."

Pianist: "Oh no… Presto?"

Cop: "You got it."

Pianist: "How big is the fine?"

Cop: "Very largo."

‘Wow, thanks!’ I told him ‘I appreciate the hospitality’

‘No’ he replied ‘You forgot to exchange your euros for francs, dumbass’

And so I found out that my dog died from a man who looked like my father.

Susan: "His doctor told him he needed to change his lifestyle."

Mary: “Well, he looks worse.”

Susan: “Tell me about it. Now all he does is sit around watching livestreams on YouTube.”

Mary: “Livestreams of what?”

Susan: “Waiting rooms… Dentists, chiropractors, walk-in clinics. You name it.”

Mary: “What the hell?”

Susan: “I know. I wish the doctor had never told him to join Wait Watchers.”

When I got to the theater and entered the costume shop I was excited for my very first role in a Shakespearean play. What no one had told me was just how complicated this costume was with tights, puffy shorts, cod piece and some other stuff. Obviously I was about to get encased in cloth and leather.

So I asked the stage manager, "Excuse me but I'm gonna be in full dress for several hours. Should I visit the men's room first?"

The stage manager just shrugged and pointed to the costumer. So I asked her the same thing. She suggested I ask the director.

She was nowhere to be seen. I left the shop and started looking for her. That's when the director came up behind and tapped me on the shoulde. She looked sternly at me and asked why I wasn't getting dressed.

"To pee or not to pee." I said. "That is the quest I'm on."