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u/petitepieuvre 14h ago
It's ok to just drift while you process. You don't need to know anything. Grief never makes sense anyway. 🫂
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u/NotAzakanAtAll 11h ago
The act it self also makes no sense. The brain illness has shut down the reasoning part of your mind. No other thoughts are allowed in that moment - only pain - everything hurts - it whispers that no one will miss you, that they are better off, the world is better off, without you. They will be sad for a bit but forget soon anyway.
The pain needs to end.
You are on fire, the illness say there is cool pool at the bottom of the abyss.
At least that's how I felt, thinking back. I found my friend who had been gone for a while, sitting on a rock in the woods, with his hopes and dreams dotted around the trees and bushes behind him.
I caught the illness right there. "If such a fantastic person couldn't deal with life, what possible chance do I have.", only took two months for the illness to become terminal.
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u/DontEatNitrousOxide 11h ago
it's different for everyone
for me, I find life has mostly been suffering in general for years and years, so my mind goes to that place often
when viewed from that lens; it makes perfect sense to me. would you rather have pain or no pain? $1 or $2?
I know people will miss me, but I hate that excuse. that's selfish - it is not about them. I am allowed to be selfish with my own self - that is bodily autonomy.
I also consider it logically - that we all die eventually anyway, and at random times. what's really so bad about choosing my own time given that knowledge? in my head, it's less logical to be wait to be kicked out than to choose to leave.
I have other complex thoughts on this - but I wanted to offer my perspective on my logical thought process as it's not the same for everyone.
I am obviously still here and still trying for the time being, and I recommene anyone else reading this to do the same, because we only get one shot here. might as well find out if it can be a tolerable one
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u/Vivians_Basement 8h ago
Every time someone tells me not to they say "other people will be sad" or "other people need you".
The reason I want to die is because my entire life I have been used without my consent. First SA at 4 years old. I have suffered in pain my entire life because other people wanting something I couldn't or didn't want to give.
I have been abused and punished for YEARS.
So being told "you need to live so people can keep using you" doesn't feel good...
The person who's opinion I value most recently told me not to do it. Since then I can't even think the thought. I still want to but I can't even think the words "I want to die" without it trailing off and not being able to finish the thought.
It sucks. She came back just to tell me that and now she's gone again. It hurts, but I was happy to hear from her again even if it was like a hammer to my brain. 🫠
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u/Dull_Quit3027 9h ago
Yeah the idea that someone who is in deep pain should continue existing because it might make other people sad if they are gone, is so deeply selfish on the part of the people expecting others to stick around for their sakes.
Think of it like a party, just because people would be sad if you leave, does not mean you owe them to stay till they are done with you.
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u/URAQTPI69 6h ago
On the other side, people you brought in this world, or are a guardian to, those that still rely on you DO still need you.
This isn't obviously the case for everyone, and it might only be a respite to delaying the inevitable, but to me continuing to exist is necessary... At least for a while.
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u/sobrique 9h ago edited 9h ago
Yeah. Having gone through that - and out the other side - it's hard to really comprehend if you haven't been there.
My analogy at the time was:
Imagine you're marching down a long road to nowhere. And you're tired. And you're hungry. And you're thirsty. There's no destination you believe you can reach. You trip and fall, and maybe you get back up again, but there comes a point where you don't really feel like you can do that any more, and you just ... stop, and enjoy a few moments of relief from the pain and the fatigue knowing that you won't get up again this time.
That's how it felt to me. I nearly stopped marching, but each time my dog kept me going. Knowing she misses me when I'm at work and waits for me to come home was enough to come home just one more time.
I got through it in the end - for me the answer was therapy, leading to finding out I had ADHD. I'd never actually been Depressed, what I had was undiagnosed and untreated ADHD and living with that was making me depressed.
And I know understand what it's like, and still believe that a 'healthy mind' cannot really contemplate just giving up like that. So no one who's not 'been there' will ever really 'get it', and that's a good thing.
But I'll never forget it was my dog who saved me and kept me going. Her desire for walkies, a place to snuggle, and making it clear that she valued my presence and my existence was 'enough' to convince me even if I believed the world in general would have been better off without me.
So I wrote this to capture how I felt: https://substack.com/home/post/p-112840969
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u/Dull_Quit3027 9h ago
You say the act makes not sense, and then spend the next few paragraphs showing it makes perfect sense.
Of course it makes sense, it is very straight forward, pain is to great, and people have no ways of stopping said pain, that are not permanent(in their mind)15
u/Fellfromreddit 10h ago
On the contrary, it makes perfect sense.
You are in pain, there is maybe no way to alleviate it or end it. Or maybe it's way too hard to get help and relief. So you act to make the pain stop.
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u/WriterV 9h ago
I wish I could give you a hug right now.
For some reason, it's the kindest and most empathetic people that so often end up in this place.
But just as you cared so much about your friend, so do others care about you. And your brain will do everything it can sometimes to convince you that such care does not exist.
In these situations we gotta work ourselves out of our comfortable dark rooms and meet our friends and family. Keep in touch. Talk. Even if it feels like a lot of work. Because it reminds us that we are loved and we have something to work for.
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u/andergdet 6h ago
For me, it was the lack of color. Life had become monochrome, things had no texture nor colour or taste, everything was a dull gray. There was no pleasure to be had, and without it what was the point of everything?
I am so lucky to have the strongest support network I could dream of, and with lots of help I could get out of it. I still have bouts of melancholy, but now it's a feeling of sadness and longing (good), not a lack of feeling altogether (bad).
One day, late March, I noticed that the trees next to my uni were starting to develop new spring leaves. My supervisor had gracefully accepted my resignation from my very toxic PhD a few days ago. They were the brightest green you can imagine, and they had little hairs on them. That was the moment I noticed I was getting out.
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u/chriswizardhippie 14h ago edited 13h ago
As someone who genuinely loves your art and someone who has also lost people in their life due to them taking their own life: I hope your art helps you as much as it helps other people.
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u/FieldExplores Gator Days 14h ago edited 2h ago
EDIT - Thank you for all the kind words. I wasn't sure about posting this comic but it was the one thing that let me release a ton of built up emotion and helped me get to sleep last night.
For anyone wondering about the lack of direct language, this was intentional on my part and not related to censoring for a platform. I'm having a hard time even saying the word out loud at the moment.
I'm only posting this comic on this on Reddit because it felt like the one place I could post without any platform issues.
EDIT 2 - Just to clarify, I don't mind anyone else using more direct language about this. I'm just having trouble saying the words myself.
ORIGINAL POST
I have a lot of emotions at the moment and I needed to express some of them.
Transcript
Panel 1
Horizon fades from yellow to red with a tree and grass silhouetted against the light.
Field (narration): A friend did something... Permanent. I don't know what to think.
Panel 2
Field is sitting with friends are in the shadows. Their hands are folded and they're staring blankly ahead.
Field (narration): I don't know what to say.
Panel 3
Field is now in bed. The bedding is completely black and the blanket covers Field with only the top of their head shown and hands sticking out.
Field (narration): I don't know what to feel.
Panel 4
Field is now sitting in a chair at a drawing tablet and seems to be drawing something. The chair and table are completely in shadows while the screen is visible.
Field (narration): So I'm drawing this.
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u/Tuvano 13h ago
I never realized your narration of the comic was for blind people and that’s amazing.
When somebody does something permanent, it’s not the fault of their friends. It’s almost a 4D pressure they only have one way to relieve.
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u/Orthas 6h ago
“Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really.” ― David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
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u/CruisingForDownVotes 13h ago
I completely forgot about text-to-speech for a second and was right confused
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u/wakeupwill 12h ago
I largely stopped using italics on reddit after hearing about how text-to-speech doesn't pick up altered characters.
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u/yousai 9h ago
nothing wrong with using italics but using weird Unicode ranges that look like regular characters is what trips them up. you know like 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒾𝓈 𝓃ℴ𝓉 𝒶𝒸𝒸ℯ𝓈𝓈𝒾𝒷𝓁ℯ
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u/Decloudo 11h ago
No experience with those programs, but from an programming/algo perspective this kind of pattern sorting/matching could be easily done.
Could even affect the tone of the speech, depending on how its generated. A specially fitted AI could be actually useful here. This stuff is their jive.
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u/AdPristine9059 11h ago
I read your comment wrong first. I agree, its never their friends fault. You can never be there 24/7 for someone, sadly. If a person really doesnt want to keep on going they will always find a way. We can be there and support them on the journey to happiness but, sadly... So fucking sadly... We can never walk the path for them.
If we could we would, i know that for a fact.
I miss the people ive lost so badly it physically hurts. Its been years now and they still make me ache. Their laughters and hugs that i will never get to feel again or ever hear again.
But thats the price we pay for having great people in our lives. They affect us in life and in death.
The only thing we can do is to live our lives to the fullest, spread the joy they gave us to others and, by being good people in turn, honor and cherish their memories.
Just never forget that its okay to feel sad. Its okay to cry and its always, ALWAYS okay to be vulnerable and talk to people when we need to. If people dont want to listen, find someone who does.
Sometimes professional help is the best way, it lets us open up and talk to someone who can take care of us after the talk in a way a friend never can.
No matter what; life is beautiful and worth living ❤️🫂
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u/ComicsAreFun 3h ago
When somebody does something permanent, it’s not the fault of their friends
As someone that was having some ideation* earlier this year, a lot of my thoughts were on "if I did this, how could I make it clear to my friends and family that they shouldn't blame themselves? They've done an excellent job of being there and supporting me but some things are beyond what they can affect"
*To clarify, it was not so much "I want to do X" but "if I did X, then outcome Y of that would be nice but I know that overall I don't want to do X". Might not sound like much of a difference. The act of fantasizing about it was an escape enough for me, the way you might fantasize about quitting your job and flipping off everyone as you walk out.
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u/HealthyMaximum 12h ago
"... narration of the comic was for blind people ..."
!!
I'm not crying, you're all crying.
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u/FocusSlo 11h ago
They don't only have one way to relieve it. But being sick mentally can make them feel that to be true. It's awful.
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u/buffaloguy1991 13h ago
A work friend of mine did something permanent once. They got a new job that was gonna pay them way more. Also wasn't night shift. They got out. I was very Happy for them. I had no idea about their past but to celebrate that weekend they dipped into their old stash.
The worst part for me was their dad approached me at the wake mentioning that he mentioned me and the game he was excited to finally try now that we would have had an ability to schedule it. (DnD). COVID hit soon after and even though I also switched jobs I couldn't play at all for 8+ years starting when I first went to night shift and COVID making everything worse.
Things haven't changed except I'm on 3rd shift still just waiting. I'm so close to being vested with the pension and I'm like 2nd in line for days seniority. I'm so close. I have to return to Farune (or Pathfinder) fully even if I was burnt out years ago. I have to for the games we could have had
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u/Zagaroth 11h ago
they dipped into their old stash.
Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry for your loss, and his family's loss, and for what he lost when trying to celebrate his life improving.
To anyone who has an 'old stash': get rid of it right now. Not only because of temptation, but because if you haven't used it in a while, your tolerances are out of wack. You need a strong dose to feel the hit, but your body has adjusted to not having it, so that big dose will OD you in the process of getting a 'normal' high.
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u/buffaloguy1991 11h ago
I hope the sacklers pay for what they did to this country
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u/Thewasteland77 8h ago
I too wish this. In a just world they would have already paid for their sins. Unfortunately, "Just" is a word I will hardly attribute to this world.
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u/ComicsAreFun 3h ago
I'd heard about the phenomenon of people relapsing and overdosing because they lost their resistance. But I didn't realize that a part of it was a mismatch between the brain's resistance to the drug and their body's resistance to it.
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u/i_tyrant 12h ago
D&D is my favorite hobby and this is crushing.
I'm so sorry about your friend and hope you're able to roll some dice soon in his honor.
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u/buffaloguy1991 12h ago
I've got a very small game now. Very annoyed with the same things (really finicky aspects of the system that would be paragraphs here) and even though I have to leave halfway though the game nights so I can have dinner it's at least something and I can also see how useful my character can be while I have to leave early. (Scribe wizard) (Scroll printer)
Just happy to have anything at this point even if stuff like Delta green calls
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u/Aryore 12h ago
There’s a ton of other TTRPGs out there that might be more your thing, like if you don’t like finicky rules there are ones with simpler rulesets
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u/buffaloguy1991 12h ago
Oh trust me I know. One of my friends and I have got collectively Shadowrun, Pathfinder, ANY WORLD OF DARKNESS, Call of Cthulhu, Delta Green, paranoia, squid laster, Rogue Trader, Star wars genesis system, the Cosmere RPG (I could go on). What we don't have are enough players.
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u/Otterbotanical 13h ago
It is normal and acceptable to not know what to think. That happens to almost everyone. We're not built to know what to think. It can feel like a weird emptiness. Like you're supposed to feel something more. It's very normal.
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u/Separate_Agency 14h ago
Don't know what else to say than sorry for your loss, lots of strenght and you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. But please belive that you everyday make thousands of people feel better with your art and we feel your loss.
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u/Saikotsu 13h ago
My heart goes out to you. I've lost quite a few people in my life to that.
I can't give you the answers you're looking for.
What I can give you is this: everyone grieves in their own way at their own pace. Give yourself the grace to grieve in the way that fits you best.
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u/TheReaperAbides 8h ago
Your comics have been an immensely positive force that I'm sure have helped many people feel and express feelings about things and trauma they were struggling with. You are entitled to have your own comics do that for yourself as well.
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u/Zstrike117 13h ago
I’m sorry Field.
They must have been very special to make you feel this way.
Thank you for sharing.
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u/TarakaKadachi 5h ago
I nearly lost a friend to this…permanent thing. I was terrified beyond belief when it was happening.
Take as much time as you need to process everything. It is never easy to handle, so don’t worry about if you need some time off to process everything.
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u/fefvrisketa 10h ago
Fuck. I'm so sorry Field. One of my friends confessed they almost did something just a few days ago and I'm still reckoning with the fact I almost lost them. This is a terrible grief and it's unfair for them to be gone. 🫂 After all the smiles and feelings you've shared. This comic hits hardest :(
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u/Psychotic_EGG 12h ago
If you mean they ended their suffering in a bad way. Well I understand, my friend did the same earlier this year. He was getting help, two therapy sessions a week. Surrounded by friends and family constantly. He just couldn't take it any longer.
You have my sympathy. You will likely never forget them. But it does hurt less with time.
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u/Karyoplasma 8h ago
Sorry that happened. It's not your fault, you couldn't have convinced them otherwise, not with words, not with listening, not with signs of goodwill. Your friendship meant that they didn't feel completely alone in their last and in their darkest moments.
Don't ask how I know.
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u/zero_zeppelii_0 14h ago edited 13h ago
One of my friends wanted me to start a snap streak. Dumb me I didn't know what a snap streak was because I didn't use Snapchat back then.
He took his life a month later. We all splitted away from secondary school
He was my benchmate in that school 3-4 years before his death. I was starting my college when I heard the news. It's now 10 years.
Edit : forgot to add. I don't want to sound he died because I didn't had a snap streak with him. But he felt so alone despite having a family and lot of known friends with him. He could've spoken out his issues man :/ it sucks fully
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u/TheMspice 11h ago
Damn that really sucks. I’m sorry. Yeah depression has a real good way of causing people to front. I don’t know if you’ve experienced it personally, but in my experience the deeper you go the more self destructive you get. Sorry I don’t want to rehash those feelings. It’s tough. I feel for that kid. I hope you’re doing alright. Despite the horrible part of it, I hope you remember him with love.
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u/NooneAtAll3 9h ago
what is snap streak?
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u/obsidianjeff 9h ago
Messaging each other on Snapchat every day, it keeps track of number of consecutive days.
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u/Bonked2death 10h ago
As someone that has recently been dealing with... permanent thoughts, this thread has been a nice read. I'm struggling pretty badly and have to just keep reminding myself that maybe tomorrow will be better, only one way to know though and thats to be there.
My life has basically been flipped upside down and I feel like I have no one that truly understands what I'm going through.
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u/Beldarak 9h ago
I got to talk to someone a few days ago. She was very depressed and told me everyday feels awful, like zero joy, no good moment at all, with no end in sight. It was very moving.
She lost her son to leukemia, which I think ended her relationship with her SO (not sure of the order of events or how related each of them are), I think she had to move to another house too and she obviously can't work anymore. She said her whole life is in ruin and the only thing that keeps her going is the fact she makes beautiful dreams, showing her she still has creativity somewhere in there.
Been thinking about it since, how our lives can tip so quickly. Like you said, it's hard to understand because I've never been so low.
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u/HH_Creations 8h ago
I tried making a permanent choice when I was 19
Tbh I wasn't happy afterwards, it took until I was correctly diagnosed at 25 and then FINALLY correctly medicated at 26
The journey to becoming happy was HARD and I love MANY relationships after my attempt
It forever changed how my family treated me and many childhood friends never saw me the same again
But now at 35, I have a loving husband, beautiful children, and a dream that I work on everyday
I just wanted to encourage you that things change, and theres always a chance of starting over tomorrow IF you allow yourself the chance
I make a bunch of free resources related to self-care, so if you are interested in any of that, please let me know....I like to share what worked for me with others
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u/Lord_Alonne 6h ago
Can I ask what the correct diagnosis was if you don't mind sharing? My spouse has been suffering for almost two decades with treatment resistant depression and I'm always afraid there is something underlying that they are missing.
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u/HH_Creations 6h ago
Ends up, I was just autistic lol
They put me through SO many meds and treatments, but when I traveled 8 hrs to a testing center, they came to the (obvious) conclusion i was autistic
I was so unhappy with life because life was DIFFERENT for me
So I then started the very long journey of learning what my body needed, trying different foods, learning to use tools, etc
Its funny, once I accounted for my sensitive stomach (cutting gluten and lactose), sensitive senses (using sunglasses, weighted blankets, etc) and learned DBT (a type of therapy recommended for certain conditions)
Life was easier
I learned to stop feeling disappointed at myself for not reaching standards of other people
If you go to my website, im really freaking proud of the things I've made for people, and I did that
Sure, maybe I am not the person I thought i could be growing up, but i can still enjoy anime, play games, and just enjoy the company of my family
Meeting other autistic people comfort a hurt that I carried for so long cuz.....if I think THEY deserve to live, then....I did too
Idk what she is going through, but if she ever wants to talk, like in voice or something, DM cuz i know how terrifying that journey is
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u/Maximum__Effort 8h ago
There was a time I was feeling similarly. Now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. You can get through this. Also, my DMs are always open if anyone feeling this way just wants to talk. I’m not remotely a therapist, but I’ve been there and through it
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u/mattattack007 2h ago
The insidious thing about depression is that it makes you feel isolated and that how you feel now is what reality actually is like. Its like we experience the world through the filter of depression, everything get colored by it so its no wonder our brain thinks, "This is reality and it sucks."
But you arent alone and thats not true reality. So many people struggle with permanent thoughts. So many people have attempted doing something permanent. So many people truly have been where you are and come out the other side.
I have a phrase I repeat to myself a lot in my life, "This too shall pass". Accept that depression isnt the end all be all. Accept that things will get better. Accept that and dream of a better tomorrow because it will come. Everything in your mind is going to convince you that isnt going to happen. And I am telling you it will.
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u/tastyweeds 13h ago
My only sibling did the same. I still don’t know what to say or feel sometimes, but creating helped me get to a place years later where it’s an old ache, instead of a raw wound. Give yourself grace if you can. Grief is a motherfucker
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u/JoyDVeeve 14h ago
The only thing keeping me from doing something permanent is knowing how much it would hurt a specific person whom I love as much as I can love anything
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u/CallMeTeff 13h ago
My husband could have wrote this word for word. I'm the reason why he didn't do anything to himself because he knows how painful it would be for me.
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u/Made_Bail 13h ago
Jesus. What a burden. If you need to talk my dms are always open, and helping people is something im incredibly passionate about.
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u/Nebula_Wolf7 12h ago
Im worried that I'm this much of a burden to my partner, but i sincerely don't know what I'd do without him.
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u/TrainDestroyer 12h ago
If you're worried about that, show him love in simple ways. You don't need to be extravagant, but give him a hug, tell him you love him. Or if its a he then buy him flowers.
Guys never get flowers, you will make his day if you buy him flowers
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u/ThePrussianGrippe 6h ago
The last time I… attempted was a Christmas Eve. And I suddenly thought of my baby sister, and how much she adored me and how much joy she brought me. Then I felt absolutely horrible and wracked with guilt. I went to the bathroom, purged, and then went upstairs, put a pillow by her bed and laid down. She woke up and asked what was going on, so I just told her I wanted to wait for Santa with her and she got very excited. And so we waited for Santa until morning.
I have a feeling she was too young to remember that moment of Christmas, but she remains a light in my life. And after that Christmas I got the help I needed and I’m in a much better place.
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u/Made_Bail 13h ago
If you need to talk to a stranger who genuinely cares, please DM me.
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u/LucMorningstar24601 13h ago
Same. My mother lost a brother at 17 when she was 21. I could never make her go through that again.
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u/Lawlcopt0r 10h ago
I hope you'll find more reasons to keep going, I know life sucks but there are also so many individual awesome sights and places and activities and people out there.
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u/ComatoseSquirrel 7h ago
My wife and kids are this for me. I've never planned it even seriously considered anything, but without them I would have little reason to continue.
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u/Peppered_Rock 14h ago
Grief is weird. Sometimes it's screaming and crying like the movies. Sometimes it's not. I wish you the best, stranger. I enjoy your comics, and I hope they're as helpful to you as you need them to be right now.
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u/smashedupwards_ 12h ago
im on the other side of this, the only thing stopping me is what my kid will feel. its so fucking hard wanting to go so fucking badly but not, and just fucking living.
im sorry for your loss, i hope making this comic helps you find your way through the grief even just a little bit.
it's painful but seeing things like this outside of my own thoughts help ground the reality of the situation and how not okay my kid would be if i let the weight crush me, so thank you for posting this.
im sorry to make this comment about my fucked up life, i hope things get better for you friend and it's okay not to know how to feel.
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u/Metharos 10h ago
My father went through periods like this. He talked about it with me sometimes.
During his worst days, he couldn't remember having better days. During his better days, he could see the darkness came and went. Sometimes it lasted longer than others. Sometimes the good days lasted longer.
He passed a couple years ago, a much happier man. It was a long road to get there, but his last years were spent more full of smiles and warmth than many of the preceding, and I think in the end he found the journey to have been worthwhile.
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u/JamesDChurch 9h ago
This is exactly how I feel. Right now I can’t see brighter days, but in my head I know they are waiting their turn.
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u/smashedupwards_ 10h ago
im sorry for your loss, im glad to hear he found some happiness in the darkness. i have so much guilt in me for being this way, being so fucked up around me kid, just in my head. i talk to him a bit, just vague shit cause he is only 10, but he notices when im not well and it kills me. i try to keep my head down and do the things he needs on days i see him, its all i can do right now, just watching time go by fucks me up so much feeling like i could have been so much better for him. he loves me, and he is my world, i just cant get rid of the shit in my head.
i know once i get a job and car again things will start feeling better for me, i just keep wasting more time with these thoughts instead of taking steps forward.
thank you for the kind comment, im happy that you got some good years with your dad, i know once i can get my head under control i can turn this shit around, its just a lot sometimes.
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u/bark-beetle 10h ago
I was an army medic and I know so many people like you. I'm like you too. I'm still alive for the same reason you are.There are a lot of us out there, staying alive to keep our family away from the pain.
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u/nevrrendingtoriiii 12h ago
i admire you staying for your son but i hope you can live for yourself some day
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u/smashedupwards_ 12h ago edited 12h ago
thats very kind of you, thank you. life feels too impossible right now but thank you, i too hope some day i'll find a reason to live that isn't just to not hurt my kid.
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u/turian_vanguard 14h ago
Just know that they never wanted to hurt anyone. They only wanted their own pain to end. I'm sorry for your pain. I don't know you, but i love you.
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u/SillyBeatnik 13h ago edited 13h ago
I know the feeling. I've lost a friend. I've lost an uncle. I nearly lost myself. Yes, I did try. I don't like talking about it, but if I can help someone understand, I'm at least willing to admit it.
It's not that your friend didn't care. It's not that they thought about the pain you would feel and said "I don't care about him. This is for me." There's a very real chance your friend did think about you before making the decision, but their thought process was likely "I'm just a fuck-up. I'm a burden to everyone who cares about me. They'll be better off with me gone."
There is no logic in mental illness. I know goddamn well that when the people who care about me tell me they love me and want me around that they're being sincere. But mental illness doesn't care about that. It sits in the back of your mind telling you things like "they're just being polite. They're lying to you and you know it." That's the hardest part of mental illness. It gaslights the fuck out of you. It just keeps going and going, till you believe its lies.
For anyone looking to help a friend or a loved one, I do have some advice. Don't use cliches like "things will get better." Or "The world is better with you in it." Don't argue the logic behind it. We know damn well there is no logic. If you want to help, be available for them, and make sure they know it. Be a safe space for them to vent, to cry, to just talk. Just listen. Don't give advice. Don't say shit like "See, don't you feel better now?" Just listen. If you do want to say something, say something like "Thank you for telling me." Or "I'm proud of you for still being here."
And as for what to do if they make that decision? The hurt doesn't stop. It just goes quiet for a while. Than something small reminds you of them, and it's back. The only thing you can do is try to remember why you cared about them. Remember the times they made you smile. And please, don't hate them for what they did. I assure you, they hated themselves more.
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u/Made_Bail 13h ago
I've been there, too. Your post made me cry. It was really incredible. Thank you for this. All of it.
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u/Continental__Drifter 11h ago
You gave some really good advice about how to support a person in a vulnerable situation, I hope people can read it and take it to heart.
That said, your description of suicide people as "hating themselves" or thinking "I'm just a fuck-up." absolutely isn't a universal experience, that might just be projecting from your own.
A lot of people who end things don't hate themselves, and know they are loved. It's not a deficiency of logic or an irrational belief system divorced from reality. I know, I was also in this state myself, more than once, and I work with people in this state now.
I think a better way to understand it is that people are in so much pain, that anything, literally anything, is better than continuing to bear that pain. This may be accompanied by thoughts of self-hatred, or it may not - that's not really the decididing factor, and I think it's a bit unkind towards someone to claim they hated themselves when they didn't.
This quote by DFW really captures the essence of why many make a permanent decision:
The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.
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u/Kue7 13h ago
Me too. Not entirely 100% but i nearly done the deed once but thanks to religion snapped myself back. That and i wanna say im afraid of the pain but at my thinnest point, you wont think of the pain anymore bcos u just want everything to end.
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u/Lele_Lazuli 11h ago
As someone who doesn‘t believe in any religion, how does religion snap you back? This is genuinely coming from a place of curiosity.
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u/SparkyMuffin 14h ago
I hope that however you feel now, tomorrow you will feel okay at least.
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u/elCojetoRojo 14h ago
If not okay, at least better. And if it doesn't happen tomorrow, I hope you keep on until you do feel better
You might not stop hurting. But it gets better OP
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u/Realm009 5h ago
In about a month it'll be ten years since my cousin did the permanent thing. But the thing that haunts me the most is that I said no.
The previous Christmas he had asked me if I wanted to join him for a round of Frisbee golf. I declined because I didn't want to go all that way just for an activity that I had zero interest in. I said no.
After the funeral I realized that he was likely reaching out to me. Asking for help with whatever he was dealing with. But because the specific activity wasn't worth the time and distance, I said no.
I said no. He reached out and I didn't want to play a sport. He was asking for help and it was too far. I said no.
I said no.
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u/APlanetWithANorth 5h ago
There was no way you could've known
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u/Realm009 5h ago
I know, but it doesn't change the guilt.
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u/Sweaty-Willingness27 4h ago
I feel that. I lost a friend about six months ago that I'd known for 30 years. They always struggled, and it was painful to witness a lot of times. But I tried to be there... but I know I wasn't there enough...
I struggle with issues at times, and I can only imagine the fight they put up for so long. I'd be lying if I didn't say part of me was relieved for them that it's over, that it's not a constant fight with themselves anymore. But of course I feel guilty about that part too.
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u/infiniZii 6h ago
You have my condolences. My older brother once had something permanent happen. It was an old problem that proved too tempting. One slip of willpower and a night that ended in tragedy. The wound never did quite heal but the pain has grown distant. It feels a bit like peace. I hope that peace comes sooner rather than later, but until then I hope you can cherish your memories and their spirit.
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u/tanj_redshirt 13h ago
My best friend in my whole life did the permanent thing last year. I do understand and it doesn’t help.
I’ll miss her forever.
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u/SusmariosepAnak 13h ago
Much love to you, I can’t even imagine how difficult that must be. What’s your favourite memory of her?
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u/tanj_redshirt 12h ago
I flew from Alaska to Pittsburgh to grab her, rented a car, and drove to Ohio to watch the 2024 eclipse together. Thanks for your kind words.
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u/SusmariosepAnak 12h ago
Wow that sounds like a fun cross country trip! I’m glad you have such a wonderful memory of her, thank you for sharing ❤️
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u/THE_FOREVER_GM1 14h ago
This hits close to home, not because I lost someone. Multiple times I was very nearly that friend for someone else.
It’s still hard, but I’m out of that bad place both mentally(ish) and physically.
Talk to people guys. Speaking from experience, there’s always more people who’d miss you than you think, despite how alone things feel when in that place.
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u/fesnying 13h ago
I am so, so sorry.
I hope you have people to be with right now, even if you don't have the words for how you're feeling just yet. If you need any resources, I'd be happy to track some down -- in fact, I think I'm going to pull some up now, as it seems a lot of us could use them.
And this is odd, but... there was a study done that showed playing Tetris after a traumatic/stressful event can help you process it. It might be worth a shot.
While I'm at it, I should say... Gator Days has been a real light for me in the dark times; thank you for that.
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u/fesnying 13h ago
I'll add stuff as I find it and this may trigger multiple automod filters, but...
In the UK:
Suicide prevention hotline: 0800 587 0800 (available 24/7)
Mermaids UK support service: 0808 801 0400 (Mon-Fri, 1pm-8.30pm)
Switchboard (LGBTQ+ helpline): 0800 0119 100 (10am-10pm all week)
Samaritans: 116 123 (available 24/7)
National Sexual Health helpline: 0300 123 7123 (9am-8pm all week)
In North America:
NAMI National Warmline Directory
"A Warmline is a peer-run phone line that offers callers emotional support and is staffed by volunteers who are in recovery themselves. Please look to see if the warmline will take out of state calls before reaching out to one that is not located where you live."
They're listed by state, and it will say the hours of operation, which ones have text or chat options as well, which take out-of-state calls, and which offer Spanish-language services.
Many of above may or may not reach out to police; these ones specifically do not:
Call blackline: 800-604-5841 (Centers BI&POC, LGBTQ+, Black Femme Lens)
Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860 (US), 877-330-6366 (Canada) (Run by and for trans people)
Wildflower Alliance Peer Support Line: 888-407-4515 (Trained peer supporters)
StrongHearts Native Helpline: 844-762-8483 (Centering Native Americans and Alaska Natives)
Thrive Lifeline: 313-662-8209 (Trans-led and operated)
LGBT National Help Center: 888-843-4564
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u/isurus_minutus 13h ago
Hell yeah thank you for warning people about lines that call the police. When I called suicide hotline they got upset with me for not seeming suicidal enough
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u/fesnying 12h ago
Yeah, I think there's this weird phenomenon where if you speak really plainly you're in danger of a visit from the police, even if you're just in distress and not in danger -- but on the flipside if they feel you're not upset "enough," even if you are and just aren't speaking in a way that conveys that, they think you're wasting their time or taking up resources you don't deserve. I think anyone who wants or needs or seeks out comfort deserves comfort; anyone who needs someone to listen should be able to be connected to someone with the bandwidth to listen and the training to handle things safely.
I know resources aren't unlimited, but I also don't feel it's right to draw some line in the sand that some people who really need someone might find themselves on the wrong side of, nor to just hand them off to police, who generally also don't have the specialized training for these situations.
I'm so sorry they did that. When I called a suicide hotline the person on the other end was just panicking the whole time, even before I'd really said anything, and I ended up reassuring them for the rest of the call lol. That was a looong time ago and I'm told things work differently now (and that warmlines are different?), but it's still worrisome to think of all the people who want help but cannot get it.
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u/HollowStool 13h ago
I have to put my dog down tomorrow. Ive been staying awake to two in the morning. I dont want tomorrow to come. But this post might have given me the comfort I need tonight to close my eyes. Thank you.
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u/PilgrimPoldo 10h ago
My best friend did it too, in the apartment we’d been living together for 3 years. It’s been almost 2 weeks but the news seem from a couple days ago. It’s going to be a weird time in my life.
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u/EarthToAccess 6h ago
Jesus, Field. I am so sorry. I have lost too many a person myself. I’m sure I’m not the only one with that anecdote either. It never, ever gets easier to take.
Please, for all of us, take your time, reconcile with your thoughts. Gator Days and so on can wait.
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u/That_Shy_Girl-13 7h ago
Just went to a funeral yesterday for a friend who did the same thing... Same age as me... Nothing feels okay right now. My husband and I are grieving together so there's at least support there. I hope you have support too
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u/lAmSoTired 3h ago
This happened to me. I was on Discord with him and stepped away for 10 minutes. Never spoke to him again. I still miss him, but it has been getting easier with time. I promise that you don't need to understand why or blame yourself for missing signs, and things will get better in time.
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u/OrangePlayer0001 6h ago
It's a lot and it's okay. The feelings may come or not. It's okay, it's gonna be okay.
My therapist told me ultimately every person decides for themselves. And sometimes we are unable to help and that's okay.
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u/teamnibbler 14h ago
I’m a suicide prevention researcher/clinician and want to say: there is no right way to grieve - and suicide loss is a unique type of grief. It is okay to not know what to say, feel, or do. Sometimes wading through it is enough.
Sending you kind thoughts at this time, especially as your comics have brought light to me on my darker days after work.
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u/GoldRoger3D2Y 11h ago
I write this as 258 comments have already been posted. But still…
I’ve lost 2 brothers and a close friend to the same permanent decision. Pain mixed with regret is very normal. Regret that you could have been there more, or said something better. The truth is, it was their decision. And theirs alone.
Allow the grief to take its course through your mind and body. Eventually, you make a permanent decision to keep moving, and you enjoy another day in their honor.
I’m so sorry your friend is gone. If they were worthy of being your friend, they must have been really special.
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u/Lord_Mikal 14h ago
There's no rush when it comes to processing things like this. Allow yourself the time and space you need.
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u/WeckarE 7h ago
Until I read the comments I did not understand this comic
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u/TempestNova 5h ago
I also got it right away and while I'm glad to not find this comic confusing I also envy your initial lack of comprehension. I suppose 'ignorance is bliss' might be genuinely true in this case.
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u/AlternateSatan 6h ago
Yeah, I was so ready to make a joke about them getting a small tattoo or something similarly small potatos like that... Then I realised, and now I don't want to make a joke.
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u/Weak_Sort4395 13h ago
I'm so sorry.
From experience,
You don't need to think right now about anything else. Give yourself some grace, take a break, take time to process and heal.
You don't need to say anything. But do talk to the people that you love and trust that will support you right now.
You are absolutely allowed to feel whatever you are feeling. Even if you aren't sure its the right feeling, its okay.
It is impossibly hard right now. Things will eventually be okay.
Everyone sends their love.
Love you dude.
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u/jimmyjoejojo 4h ago
It doesn’t really ever go away. You just learn to deal with their absence, even if that means you talk to ghosts from time-to-time.
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u/thesphinxistheriddle 13h ago
A good friend did something permanent a few years ago, and occasionally I remember I’ll never see him again and it still makes my heart ache. It’s a hard thing to sit with. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.
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u/RitterWolf 14h ago
It's rough. I asked a friend on Discord if he was interested in a game server I wanted to set up and he said he was busy. No worries, life comes first I told him. He was gone a week later. Still haven't set the server up a year later. He was the only one I know that plays. It hurt to remove him from the Steam group I used for access control and he's still 3rd most recent Discord PM.
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u/rocket20067 14h ago
A wonderful way to process emotions is to make art. So my good sir I would say you are doing exactly what you should be doing.
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u/Krozbros 13h ago
My best friend did something permanent.
He was my best friend.
I was always supposed to be there for him, we grew up together but now I'll have to outgrow him.
I didn't cry,at first.
I didn't know how to feel.
I couldn't believe it, at first.
None of it felt real.
I hurt myself as punishment, thinking I failed him.
I thought about him more, and realised he wouldn't like that.
I've known that man since I was five.
As punishment for failing him, I made my choice;
I'll continue to be alive.
...
I miss him,man...
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u/Webbdragon444 12h ago
I'm so sorry. I lost my uncle this year. We begged him to come home and visit, but he was adamant he'd be fine on his own, and... I don't know. Maybe he was just avoiding us. My mom took as much time off as she could to visit, they were talking on the phone for hours every night, and then... nothing. I was really, really hoping to see him again. I don't think I saw him in person since I was a kid. I wanted to see him again. My mom was devastated, and angry that he would do such a thing... I don't even know how to grieve. I wanted to know him. I wanted him to know me. I remember his truck, I remember his wife... he left behind a daughter he never got to meet, born to a girlfriend he met in high school- her parents hated him, so he wasn't allowed to keep up with her, and now his daughter is finding out her dad took his own life without ever meeting him. I'm going to meet her at the funeral. I just- there are so many things he left behind. I don't think he meant to. I wish he came home.
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u/competitive-dust 9h ago
A friend of mine also did this but to this day i am not sure she meant to or not. It's really odd. It is hard to think of her, but it has been almost a decade and I can say it gets easier to deal with.
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u/SlurmDreams 9h ago
Lost my BiL last year to this. He was such a great dude. Its hard to believe someone like him would do it. You just never know. Check on your loved ones.
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u/SappyZoe 8h ago
Grief is like the waves attacking a sandcastle on the beach. It comes in waves, it's irregular, it can tear you down. The waves will keep coming for a long time, maybe forever. But they'll smooth over the area over time. It won't keep hurting as much as it does now.
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u/Transmetropolite 14h ago
It'll never stop hurtig, but it will hurt a little less as time goes by.
Condolences to you and yours.
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u/sabby55 13h ago
I’m so so sorry friend. A really important adult in my life did this when I was about 15.
You’re going to feel devastated. And sometimes angry. And sometimes at the same time. It’s okay to not be okay about it. I hope youve got people who can support you right now- and this random internet stranger is thinking of you
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u/drleebot 11h ago
sends big hugs A friend of mine did it a few months ago, then another tried last month.
How common it is in the trans community is what really gets me. We have to be here for each other to help get through it, both preventing it and handling when it does happen.
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u/bigboobweirdchick 13h ago
Permanent. That’s a word I remind myself a lot recently. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve love your art <3
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u/liefbread 13h ago
I am not a professional but I do volunteer as a facilitator for grief groups due to loss and have for three years. If you feel talking through your feelings may help please feel free to reach out. You are not alone.
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u/froggerndoggern 9h ago
A friend of mine did something permanent a couple months ago. We didn't talk much in the time leading up to what happened and I deeply regret it. I miss her.
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u/ChaserOfThunder 8h ago
My best friend made that permanent decision. It's been over a year and I still break down about it. It'll probably keep happening for a while longer. You'll find your own way to mourn over time. I hope you get the time, space, and support you need to process it all. It's a hell of a happening, but at least the memories aren't gone along with them.
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u/Wise-Dust3700 7h ago
I am so sorry, the shock will settle and grief will come.
Please take care of yourself, and to reach out to friends and family for support
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u/bagged_milk123 7h ago
Oh it's talking about suicide, I thought the friend did something so heinous you couldn't talk about it
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u/ManyElephant1868 14h ago
Talk to someone about your feelings. I still have survivors guilt about my friends sudden and permanent actions.
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u/Duke-Chakram 13h ago
The coloration of the background tells all anyone would need to know. Please be well.
Every person touches a fathom of others. Care for yourself, and never treat yourself as cruelly as the world tends to treat you
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u/RestMySpirit 13h ago
I have been living this since april this year. I think about them all the time. I can't decide between sorrow and anger. A lot of things remind me of them. Im never going to get answers to the questions I want to ask. It often doesn't feel like anything happened, and then sometimes it's unbearable.
My best advice would be, don't let yourself become isolated. You need comfort, and companionship during times like these. Maybe also a bunch of chocolate and some cat videos..they are worth their weight in gold to me now.
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u/sokratesz 13h ago
I'm sorry for your loss. I love your comics.
I lost two friends, but not through suicide. They did.. other permanent things that I can't reconcile myself with. Attempted rape, and a kind of friendship betrayal that's hard to explain briefly. The problem I have is that most other friends don't know about it in either case. So I'm stuck having to hear about these people, and facing them occasionally.
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u/Ekhazarhaze 13h ago
At the start of this year my friend also did something permanent i still dont know how to feel about this, maybe we will never know. Sorry for your loss.
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u/Doodles_n_Scribbles 13h ago
I've recently started losing acquaintances online to various things.
One recently died in a car accident. Another took his own life at the start of 2025.
I've never been afraid of my own mortality, but seeing others perish always unsettled me deeply. Call it selfishness, but I don't want to be left alone.
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u/Cerce_Tentones 13h ago
You are loved, and your comics have always been a source of joy for me. Take time for yourself. Don't be afraid to cry. And remember you are loved.
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u/ConvertsToShaq 12h ago
The thing I learned when a family member of mine did something permanent was just how many people I already knew who had the same thing happen to someone close to them. Please reach out and talk to people.
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u/mrthomani 12h ago
Yeah … that sucks. 29 years ago, I had three friends commit suicide over a six month period. That broke me, in a way that I haven’t been able to put myself back together again.
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u/Munchkinasaurous 8h ago
I'm so sorry to hear that man. I lost my cousin that way last year and it still doesn't feel real. I've never felt such a shock in my life when I heard the news. I hope you're doing alright. Check in with your loved ones, especially the ones that were mutual friends. You all need each other right now.
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u/CwispyWhiskey 8h ago
My friend has yet to do the permanent thing but a year ago he basically cut me off from everything because I got mad at him for royally screwing me over in my personal life.
Every couple months I find a way to check if he has or has not don’t the permanent thing and it scares me because I’ll be the last to know
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u/ThatOneGuy6810 6h ago
Im sorry for your loss... its a terrible thing to have to experience... I wish i could offer condolences and say it gets better. But Im here 14 years later and it still hurts just as much as the day I found out...
Id like to say you can process it and make it be less problematic for yourself...but every now and then something will bring up a memory or something and it starts all over again..
One day at a time man. You got this.
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u/Markoff_Cheney 13h ago
My only advice is to avoid drifting into the "I could have, should have, would haves" because that is the doom spiral of traumatic loss when it comes to a great friend doing something permanent to a temporary problem. I only speak from experience, but wish I didn't have it.
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u/Altruistic_Bass539 11h ago
You mean suicide? Its not a forbidden word, you know? Being afraid of saying it makes it worse.
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u/HeLiesInDrink 10h ago
I don’t know what censorship the artist was concerned with, but this comment is spot on. Call depression “depression.” Call suicide “suicide.” Ask if someone you’re worried about is having “suicidal thoughts.” Don’t be afraid to talk plainly about it.
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u/Nbdyhere 14h ago
I’m going through that right now as well. I can’t seem to settle on an emotion. So I’m just feeling them all.
There are no answers, but share your questions with those who will listen
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u/mr_jetlag 13h ago
Sending you love. You have put so much happiness into the world, you deserve some of it back u/FieldExplores
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u/Trappedunderacat 13h ago edited 13h ago
I was in a dark place around a year ago to early this spring... There were times when I was so scared that I would do something to hurt myself.. even if I didn't want to, it felt out of my control. My family made sure I knew that I'm loved, and that kept me here, but the darkness felt so crushing. The little bright spots in my day helped keep me receptive and able to seek help.
Thank you for this lovely gator comic, one of the many bright spots that I looked forward to.
My condolences for your friend. I hope they are at peace and you will find yours.
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u/Mustangbex 11h ago
On the fifth it will be five years. Her youngest started university two weeks ago. We miss her so much.
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u/Alastor-Orb 14h ago
I have fear that a friend of mine did something permanent recently... and I have fear...