The assumption that men’s interest in sex is purely physical and always switched on is a common stereotype, but recent evidence indicates that men’s sexual desire is actually quite complex. When men felt happy and equal in their partnerships, their interest in solitary sexual activities decreased.

[u/mvea]

https://www.psypost.org/new-study-highlights-key-differences-in-how-relationship-dynamics-relate-to-sexual-desire-in-men-and-women/

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to r/science! This is a heavily moderated subreddit in order to keep the discussion on science. However, we recognize that many people want to discuss how they feel the research relates to their own personal lives, so to give people a space to do that, personal anecdotes are allowed as responses to this comment. Any anecdotal comments elsewhere in the discussion will be removed and our normal comment rules apply to all other comments.

---

Do you have an academic degree? We can verify your credentials in order to assign user flair indicating your area of expertise. Click here to apply.

---

User: u/mvea
Permalink: https://www.psypost.org/new-study-highlights-key-differences-in-how-relationship-dynamics-relate-to-sexual-desire-in-men-and-women/

---

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/OPengiun → u/[deleted]]

Wait... you mean we're not just fodder of war, of infrastructure, and of procurement of resources?

[u/kenatogo → u/OPengiun]

You mean our bodies arent just sex toys whose consent is a formality at best and irrelevant at worst??

[u/PiccoloAwkward465 → u/kenatogo]

I’ve joked before that by the end of things I was just a dildo with a wallet to my ex-wife.

[u/thebryguy23 → u/PiccoloAwkward465]

At least you were still a dildo...

[u/Jebediah_Johnson → u/thebryguy23]

One of many

[u/W1D0WM4K3R → u/Jebediah_Johnson]

I too, choose this man's ex-wife.

[u/Suburbanturnip → u/W1D0WM4K3R]

I'll add you to the newsletter

[u/Shoot_from_the_Quip → u/PiccoloAwkward465]

My partner was shocked when literally poking my penis while we were watching a movie was not a magical On switch.

I'm like, hey, this is a good movie. And if you want to pause it, I need more than *poke, poke, poke.

Maybe a nice mouth hug to start the engine ;)

[u/Fr00stee → u/Shoot_from_the_Quip]

literally the "cmon do something" meme

[u/snowflake37wao → u/kenatogo]

Death by Snu-Snu

[u/VoidOmatic → u/kenatogo]

I mean if they ask nicely.

[u/EdinMiami → u/OPengiun]

Definitely all that, but now this too! When you are torn up by the next rich man's meat grinder, your feelings will be validated.

[u/TSM- → u/[deleted]]

The assumption that men’s interest in breathing air is purely physical and always switched on is a common stereotype, but recent evidence indicates that men’s oxygen desire is actually quite complex. When men's lungs oxygen is equal to their atmosphere, their interest in struggling for air decreased.

[u/Fifteen_inches]

Very happy we are tearing down these myths.

[u/gill_smoke → u/Fifteen_inches]

Oh come on now, social norms are still a long way off from changing. Male gender roles haven't shifted much, still expected to initiate, still expected to provide and protect, still expected to be stoic. At the same time all of that is toxic. Expected to perform the rile, expected to not be toxic about the gender role at the same time. Good luck.

[u/jmartin21 → u/gill_smoke]

It takes work to change these things, and studies like this can help make those changes

[u/matplotlib → u/gill_smoke]

Any form of social change does not happen instantaneously. It starts off with a minority group of dissenters that gradually grows until it becomes the new 'majority'.

Right now there are large communities of people of all genders and sexualities that reject traditional patriarchal gender roles. If you seek them out you can find them and join them and free yourself from the shackles of the expectations of traditional masculinity, but unfortunately it requires tolerating the discomfort of being judged or possibly even mocked by those who defend those traditional gender roles.

[u/Littleman88 → u/matplotlib]

Which is problematic when a core life goal for so many men is attracting a woman. A lot of men are willing to be homemakers, but those aren't really date-advertisable skills and too few women are okay with the idea of their man being a homemaker besides. Men are painfully aware admitting to having a paycheck under 6 figures is fairly dangerous for their love life, let alone admitting to earning less than the girl they're talking to.

[u/Mutive → u/Littleman88]

Eh, I'd argue that there are women who very much are okay with a man being a homemaker (or at least not the breadwinner). Several of the women I'm friends with are either supporting their male partner (I know four in this position) or are the primary earner (I know dozens).

But...the flip side is that men are often expected to reject other patriarchial norms, which can be tough for them as well. I've struggled with this myself as a fairly successful woman. A lot of men *like* the concept of feminsm in theory, but then balk at the idea of marrying someone who won't take their name. Or giving up their (less lucrative) job to be a trailing spouse. (I don't blame them here, FWIW. Being a trailling spouse *sucks*.) Or take time off and damage their career to take care of kids - even if its an equivalent amount of time to what their female partner took. Or even just notice that the house is dirty and take the initiative in cleaning. (Or that the pantry is empty and go shopping or whatever.)

Again, not all men and I know a lot of women in engineering and/or tech with husbands they support who seem very happy. But a lot struggle, too, on both sides, with bucking societal norms.

[u/Party_Solid_2207 → u/Mutive]

Divorce and infidelity massively increase in relationships where the woman out earns the man.

[u/xteve → u/gill_smoke]

Anecdotal, but as a reticent dude who has traveled a bit, I feel like men are going to have to keep initiating relationships. I think that's more than a social norm. It doesn't seem to vary a lot even in widely varying cultures.

[u/Cannabrius_Rex → u/xteve]

Have you been to Sweden though? Socially normal for women to pick men up there.

[u/anuragsins1991 → u/Cannabrius_Rex]

it's still a minority thing though not even close to being 50-50

[u/xteve → u/anuragsins1991]

This is the version that I believe. I've never been to Sweden but I spent a couple of years in the Netherlands, famously open about sex and relationships. No woman ever approached me, although one woman did believe that she asked me if she could go along with me somewhere. I know she didn't because I remember asking her.

[u/Fair_Quail8248 → u/Cannabrius_Rex]

We have come pretty far when it comes to equality in Sweden.

[u/Maxie468 → u/Cannabrius_Rex]

Acceptable maybe but as an average guy you still have to put in the effort of approaching in my experience.

[u/thisismego → u/Cannabrius_Rex]

I should visit an old buddy near Stockholm in the near future...

[u/Admirable-Athlete-50 → u/gill_smoke]

Where do you live?

I don’t feel like I’m expected to be stoic and provide monetarily here in Sweden. Much more emphasis on sharing parental duties and being an equal partner in other ways.

On paper we still have mandatory military training for men but it hasn’t really been in effect for many years. Even my boomer dad refused it without being punished.

I welcome research like this since it should help break norms where they are still more restrictive.

[u/Party_Solid_2207 → u/Admirable-Athlete-50]

I moved to Sweden with my Swedish (now ex) wife.

When we lived in the UK I was the breadwinner.

When we moved to Sweden she became very upset that she had to take on that burden for a while and I stayed at home with the kids.

She considers herself a feminist.

[u/MyFiteSong → u/gill_smoke]

Only about 1/3rd of young couples have a male primary breadwinner now. This really has changed. You're not expected to be the provider anymore unless you're specifically going after really conservative women

[u/anuragsins1991 → u/MyFiteSong]

most couples cant afford having a sole breadwinner thats true.

[u/aghastamok → u/MyFiteSong]

You're not expected to be the provider anymore...

I don't think that's really true. There is a substantial, measurable gendered financial expectation in dating. It may wane with longer relationships and be trending toward equality in some cases, but "You're not expected to be the provider" is a wild generalization given the climate for men.

https://www.svd.se/a/vr5AVw/gen-z-overger-tinder-vill-att-killen-ska-ta-bade-nota-och-initiativ

Even in Sweden, 1/3rd of young women expect the man to pay for the first date, and men's sense of obligation to pay has gone *up* over time, not down (43% to 55% from 2019-2025).

https://digitalcommons.chapman.edu/psychology_articles/59/

Although most men (74%) and women (83%) report that both members of the couple contribute to dating expenses after dating for 6 months, most men (84%) and women (58%) reported that men still pay more. Many women (39%) wished men would reject their offers to pay and 44% of women were bothered when men expected women to help pay.

[u/falooda1 → u/aghastamok]

You refute the argument of only 1/3 have men as primary with.... 1/3 of women want them to pay? That just proves his point?

[u/Byizo → u/gill_smoke]

Patriarchal ideals would have to be broken down first. They may harm men to a lesser extent, but they still do. It forces men into a box that just doesn’t fit most people. Casting off those ideals is more acceptable than it used to be, but nobody is going to thank you for it. You get a mix of reactions between “you’re still a man and part of the problem” or “you’re not a real man.”

A really fast way to find out who will respond with the latter is to do something traditionally non-masculine, like painting your fingernails.

[u/SameOreo → u/Fifteen_inches]

"tearing down" ? This study will reach 0.000005% of the population. Nothing will be impacted. On top of that, if you are reading this, you probably already understood this to some level.

[u/Jaffacakes-and-Jesus]

I swear down every two weeks there's another study on this sub which is like "science confirms: men have feelings"

[u/RAMAR713 → u/Jaffacakes-and-Jesus]

Good, at this rate society will get the hint in a few years

[u/Bahamutisa → u/RAMAR713]

Any day now 

[u/pigeonwiggle → u/Jaffacakes-and-Jesus]

hold on, are you telling me men are people?

[u/Morbanth → u/pigeonwiggle]

Has the woke gone too far?

[u/mean11while → u/pigeonwiggle]

No, that's not what this study tested. We would need to formulate the hypothesis that men are people and apply for a grant. We'll know the answer in 5-10 years, if we're lucky.

[u/Ok-Photograph-589 → u/Jaffacakes-and-Jesus]

Yup, I think we should take it seriously instead of being dismissive

[u/NearbyCurrent3449 → u/Jaffacakes-and-Jesus]

It's almost as if... nobody cares? Weird right? The same tune is playing constantly but, we get an article about a bear.

[u/dolphone → u/NearbyCurrent3449]

Don't take it personal. Pretty much nobody cares about climate change unless they are actively being affected by it (and even then...)

[u/Littleman88 → u/dolphone]

The "even then" is counting on their ability to put 2 and 2 together and then having the humility to admit they had a hand in their situation.

[u/Party_Solid_2207 → u/dolphone]

Climate change.

Women and children affected.

[u/shepard_pie → u/NearbyCurrent3449]

Thing about the whole bear thing that bothered me was all the dudes who had close friends or partners tell them this like it was some sort of gotcha.

Like I get it. It was intentionally designed to show that there is a massive inherit danger women face because of men, especially alone and isolated. That is fully worth talking about, and it is something not understood my men.

But the way it was framed by some women was them directly telling men that loved and cared for them that they were inherently terrifying, and then making fun of them when they had a negative reaction to that.

[u/Routman → u/Jaffacakes-and-Jesus]

Method: online survey of 118 cisgender men living in Australia

[u/UloPe → u/Routman]

Between the ages of 18 and 22

[u/sg16k]

Imo, it goes beyond the physical release and bodily feeling. It’s a huge dopamine hit and the ultimate form of genuine desire to see your woman desire you at the deepest biological level.

Something money can’t buy and you can’t reason towards (hence why guilt tripping kills desire). Furthermore, it’s an emotional need only your partner can fill vs more platonic activities where say you like sports and your wife does so you watch it with your friend Steve.

[u/plausden → u/sg16k]

Steve probably likes orgasms too, to be fair.

[u/gigiboyb → u/plausden]

I also heard that Steve likes orgasms

[u/sg16k → u/gigiboyb]

Homeboy does like himself some orgasms

[u/SergeantBoop → u/plausden]

As a gay man, me and Steve give each other orgasms while watching sports.

[u/Hardabs05 → u/SergeantBoop]

Well if it isn’t Adam…

[u/bubbabuuuuuubbabub → u/sg16k]

I sure do believe it goes past the physical feeling alone. And the emotional feeling. But evenmoreso, all these stipulations in the brain are literally designed to keep our species ( in general) t9 be constantly reproducing as much as possible and with the most attractive mate's first. The literal force of nature we call Survival of the Fittest.

The people who experience the best orgasmed are more likely to keep engaging in that activity. The danger becomes whn the social life falls apart, and now that individual is left with the choice to complete a solo session and get a hit of that good Darwin Crack. OR, if they want to try and meet someone and maybe have a partner session in a months time if they're quick with it! (Or a one night stand. No judgements!) OR if its even worth it at all. What do I have in the freezer? Cheese pizza. Yea thats more enjoyable than sex at all.

Obviously this is a spectrum and even relies mostly on your mood and physical health, more than it does your actually natural attractiveness, based on like. Your bone structure or whatever terrible selling point the fashion magazines will tell you

[u/EtOH_Guy → u/bubbabuuuuuubbabub]

Or worse, playing that mobile game with the cyclical dopamine hit.

[u/butkaf]

This is an incredibly good book that describes how male physiology, and the way the male nervous system uses hormones, is reflected in sexual behaviours in human males.

Some of these behaviours are common across most mammals.

Some of these behaviours are common across most primates.

Some of these behaviours are common across most vertebrates.

Some of these behaviours are common across all hominidae.

Very, very, very few of these behaviours are common with views on male sexuality in Western society. Based on what I've read on this website over the past ten years, I'd say common views on male sexuality on reddit are even further removed from 70 years of observations on male sexuality in humans and vertebrates.

[u/Solid-Version]

Yup, my gf couldn’t understand why after an argument or a disagreement I didn’t feel like having sex. Emotionally I just wouldn’t be in space to do that with her.

She just assumed because I’m a man I’d be down for it no matter what my emotional state was

[u/z500 → u/Solid-Version]

You mean instantly transitioning from a fight into sex is another Hollywood lie?

[u/Solid-Version → u/z500]

Hate to break to ya

[u/octorangutan → u/z500]

That trope has always baffled me.

[u/Atnalia → u/octorangutan]

It depends on the people.  For some, you get there heart racing, for any reason, and they get turned on.  Scary movies, an argument, literally almost getting t-boned in an intersection.

Biology can be weird.

[u/StaticMarzipan → u/Solid-Version]

My ex was like that too.

I’m a hot guy so sex solves everything right?

Like no maam I’ll still be mad. A lot of women act like we’re think of them as fleshlights, but honestly a lot of them think we’re just dildos.

[u/_MrJones → u/StaticMarzipan]

I told my ex that I wanted to talk because I was upset about some things, and she tried initiating sex to avoid the conversation.

I'm still grossed out by how manipulative the attempt was.

[u/PurpleAcceptable5144 → u/StaticMarzipan]

Did we all have the same ex? She literally told me as long she gets me off she can do and say whatever she wants. No ma'am, not how it works at all

[u/NearbyCurrent3449 → u/PurpleAcceptable5144]

Nope. I will pull my full erection out of the 1 place we really want it to be and attempt to put on my pants and leave if there's any sort of stupidity out of her like that. No problem. Anytime.

[u/madeinatube → u/PurpleAcceptable5144]

Damnit all the Hollywood movies told me that after fighting sex is the solver of all the issues!

You can even be in a ninja like fight with swords and I show a little leg.. then you swoop me into your arms and then I slap you — then kiss you harder Sex Then problems alll gone

Or so the stories went!

[u/inphamus → u/StaticMarzipan]

Man.... If that's not an accurate summary of my previous relationships, I don't know what is.

[u/octorangutan → u/Solid-Version]

I had a similar experience. I had been up for 22 hours and they’d gotten upset at me for asking for driving directions.

[u/optagon → u/Solid-Version]

I always feel like I'm being manipulated when my gf initiates sex when I am annoyed with her. I just want to sit with my negative emotions for a bit and feel it, do some thinking or talk about what's wrong. I don't want to just sweep it under the rug by shifting that energy into horniness which is a slow uphill climb.

[u/TitanUranus007]

Why not just say masturbation?

[u/Hyperversum → u/TitanUranus007]

I guess it also includes watching porn, paying attention to erotic stuff on social media and the likes.

Some people do watch/read porn without going straight to their pants. Not that I get it, but they are out there, also dudes.

[u/flashingcurser → u/Hyperversum]

Most men stop watching when they're finished.

[u/flashingcurser → u/[deleted]]

Not the point that most men end, but I suppose you could achieve a moment of clarity with fully functioning utilities.

[u/Tripwiring → u/flashingcurser]

I need to know if the horny spider-monsters will be defeated by the cat-girl with the spider fetish

[u/GradStudent_Helper → u/Tripwiring]

Dude - that made me spit out my coffee. Awesome.

[u/iritchie001 → u/flashingcurser]

But how does it end?

[u/psycharious → u/Hyperversum]

Sometimes, you can't masterbate at work.

[u/BrodingerzCat → u/psycharious]

You can but you shouldn't.

[u/v3ritas1989 → u/Hyperversum]

And sometimes these people do that in the tube, right next to you, and aren't even embarrassed.

[u/TheFuzzball → u/TitanUranus007]

You can masturbate un-solitarily

[u/clib → u/TheFuzzball]

Handjobilarly?

[u/Girafferage → u/clib]

Dutch rudderally

[u/The_Bitter_Bear → u/TheFuzzball]

The other folks on the bus tend to get pretty upset though.

[u/Cyram11590 → u/TitanUranus007]

I mean, you can do a little more than masturbate.

[u/Airick39 → u/TitanUranus007]

Solitary serial activity sounds worse somehow.

[u/AussieAboleth → u/Airick39]

Binge-watching The Sopranos. 

[u/Replicator666 → u/TitanUranus007]

Science words sound better?

And I guess it encompasses other things

[u/GradStudent_Helper → u/TitanUranus007]

I know... "solitary sexual activities" is really trying to hard to avoid "wanking."

[u/gods_loop_hole]

It is like, if both parties are happy with the relationship, they would want to spend activities more with their partner than alone. And it is not just sexual activities.

[u/ButtsMcFuckington]

"Solitary Sexual Activities"

[u/EagenVegham → u/ButtsMcFuckington]

"Polishing your sword for the midnight watch"

[u/SidethSoul → u/EagenVegham]

"Brandishing your excalibur"

[u/ObviouslyRealPerson → u/SidethSoul]

"Waxing the carrot"

[u/101Alexander → u/ObviouslyRealPerson]

"Stroking the bunny"

[u/ArcticFlava → u/ButtsMcFuckington]

"Hammering on it"

[u/jonny24eh → u/ArcticFlava]

"jorkin the pork" 

[u/green-ranger-tommy → u/ArcticFlava]

A gentleman is culture I see

[u/101Alexander → u/ArcticFlava]

"Sharpening the tools"

[u/ButtNutly → u/101Alexander]

"rubbing your penis vigorously until ejaculation"

[u/tequilajinx → u/ButtsMcFuckington]

Engaging in hand-to-gland combat

[u/CocaCola_Death_Squad → u/ButtsMcFuckington]

Burping the worm

[u/crunchymush → u/ButtsMcFuckington]

"Crankin' Hog" didn't fit the vibe of the article.

[u/Joe_Linton_125]

Damn, it's almost like people are happier when their needs and desires are met.

[u/mvea]

New study highlights key differences in how relationship dynamics relate to sexual desire in men and women

The assumption that men’s interest in sex is purely physical and always switched on is a common cultural stereotype, but recent evidence indicates that men’s sexual desire is actually quite complex. A new study published in Psychology & Sexuality suggests that when men feel a sense of fairness and emotional satisfaction in their intimate relationships, their interest in solitary sexual activities tends to decrease, even though their desire for sex with a partner remains unaffected. The findings point toward a more nuanced understanding of how modern relationship dynamics influence male sexuality.

Relationship dynamics did play a role in men’s solitary desire. The men who reported equal relationship balance also reported much higher relationship satisfaction. This increased satisfaction, in turn, predicted lower levels of solitary sexual desire. In other words, when men felt happy and equal in their partnerships, their interest in solitary sexual activities decreased.

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/19419899.2026.2712541

[u/TheWetSock]

When your partner fulfills your needs you don’t. take care of yourself as much

[u/guidedhand → u/TheWetSock]

Not even that; just less anxiety procrastination wanks

[u/metarugia]

Sometimes we just want to fall asleep as the little spoon.

[u/FrancoManiac]

The boring truth of it is that men, women, and those who find themselves between dichotomies are human, and that distinction unites us more than culture or convention could ever allow.

[u/JJJHeimerSchmidt420]

Wow, one more way that human males are similar to human females, someone stop the press!

[u/Saneless]

I personally think it's physical and on for me

A few years ago I had really bad RSV, fever for over a week. Couch ridden and the most sick I've ever been

But no morning wood for like a week. Nothing all day. Physically it was the most free I had felt since I was pre teen. It was glorious.

[u/GenderJuicy]

The assumption that came from not men despite what men express

[u/Anxious_cactus → u/GenderJuicy]

Three of my ex boyfriends at some point thanked me for not pouting or being pushy if they weren't in the mood or were too tired sometimes. All of them experienced severe shaming from exes, arguments, coercion, tears and drama if they dared to say "no" once. It made me (and still does) incredibly sad. I've experienced some of it from one of my other partners when I was very young so I know how it feels

[u/Tittytickler → u/Anxious_cactus]

Yea, I actually had to comfort one of my exs because she started crying the one time I said that I wasn't in the mood. Meanwhile, I was freaking out about a huge work deadline that was the next morning.

I sent her home when she felt better/stopped crying. I was nice and calm about it but that was completely unacceptable and just added more stress to my mountain of stress.

[u/DangerMacAwesome → u/Anxious_cactus]

I said no to my ex wife one time. She was so mad she wouldn't talk to me the next day

[u/Anxious_cactus → u/DangerMacAwesome]

I'm sorry that happened and that she's done that. It's good she's an ex, glad to hear that at least. If you haven't already, I hope you find true love that respects you and never treats you in any similar way!

[u/DangerMacAwesome → u/Anxious_cactus]

Thank you. It's been a few years and I'm healing. Still looking for the right person

[u/esoteric_enigma → u/Anxious_cactus]

Yep. As men, we're told all we care about is sex if we ask our partner for sex when they don't want it. But if we ever say no, it's also a problem because we're supposed to be sex machines who are ready to go at any moment.

There have been 3 times in my life when I truly didn't want to have sex at the time with my partner when they asked. All 3 times I caved because the woman guilted me into it or suggested I was less of a man for not being willing to perform.

[u/empire161 → u/esoteric_enigma]

As men, we're told all we care about is sex if we ask our partner for sex when they don't want it.

When I was younger, going against this stereotype 100% lead me to being a “Nice Guy”. I was so desperate to prove I wasn’t just using a girl for sex that I ended up being ultra clingy and love bombing, because I wanted to hurry up and get to a point in the relationship when I didn’t need to feel guilty over wanting it.

It wasn't until my mid-20s when I lost the guilt and anxiety over it, which lead to me being more open and authentic with who I was dating which lead to better relationships.

The ironic part is now my current wife has no libido since having kids. She hasn’t asked for it or initiated in like 6+ years, and I’m right back to being made to feel like I’m ruining her entire night just for asking for sex twice a year.

[u/Girafferage → u/empire161]

This feels like it's time to consult a professional. Don't let an important aspect of your marriage either away without trying to see if there is some resolution.

[u/empire161 → u/Girafferage]

I got us into a few appointments over the summer.

I basically laid out I was upset there’s no intimacy, because I’ll try for 6 months and she’ll reject me the entire time. I’ll back off and give her space to initiate herself for 6 months and she never does. Then I tell her I’m upset we just went a year without sex or a date night, and she tells me I just need to ask more.

She’s in complete denial her sex drive is over and keeps telling me and the therapist the things she thinks we want to hear because she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Therapist said “Schedule time for it. Put it on the calendar, set an alarm, get your chores done early, get the kids in bed. Make the time for each other.” My wife was in the kid’s bedroom an hour after our scheduled time, then immediately went to the couch to watch tv and fell asleep and never mentioned it again.

[u/Girafferage → u/empire161]

You probably need to call it out in a therapy session. Take notes if it helps so that things can be reframed or at least they get fully explained. It'll be a slog getting it sorted but I am rooting for you.

[u/ouishi → u/empire161]

Your therapist is giving you terrible advice. Scheduling sex just makes it another chore to the no libido partner. She's gotta find that spark and figure out what's keeping her from it.

[u/empire161 → u/ouishi]

She didn't mention that exclusively, it was part of her instructions of "print out a giant calendar, write down what day/time you're going to make for each other, separate yourselves from the kids, talk about what you need from each other, talk about things besides work, have a drink on the deck, be intimate, whatever."

The day/time we agreed on was literally the next day after the kids went to bed. But she "forgot" and went straight to watching tv by herself. When I came to her to talk she started a fight of "well of course you didn't print out a calendar, you just expect me to do all that stuff as always." Like... yes honey. I don't need printed calendar to remind myself to spend time with you. You clearly do need it, so maybe you should be the one to print it out.

It's just things like that where it's like talking to a brick wall. In our first session the therapist asked her what I can do to help her out more and she can have a little less stress during the day. She just blurted out "help get the kids ready for school" (I work from home and am supposed to be online at 7am, and there's been hundreds of mornings where I get them ready by myself because she's out of town or leaves for work early - but fine, whatever). The next day she got mad at me for trying to move them along and said "I don't why you think I can't handle getting them ready."

[u/DolphinStar33 → u/empire161]

Hello me, meet the real me, and my misfit way of life

[u/Anxious_cactus → u/esoteric_enigma]

I'm sorry you went through that and got coerced from people who are supposed to be safe and loving. It's a terrible thing we've done as a society to promote that belief, but also to tolerate that kind of behaviour in response. It's perfectly okay to say no for whatever reason at any time, even during the act itself.

I hope it never happens to you again.

[u/No_Road5857 → u/Anxious_cactus]

I like your thoughts on the matter and agree with you. I think saying coerced is more or less accurate, but I would like to point out that a recent study labeled men as 'rapists' for using any sort of 'coercion'. Not even to mention that the examples of 'coercion' included 'making her feel safe'.

I think we down-play a lot of what happens to men, and up-play a lot of what happens to women. If a man 'coercing' someone to sleep with him is considered rape, we need to use the same language in reverse.

[u/anuragsins1991 → u/No_Road5857]

news articles still use "teacher had sex with minor" headlines instead of calling it rape, we are so behind any form of equality in this matter

[u/Party_Solid_2207 → u/esoteric_enigma]

It’s just easier to do it than get into a multi hour argument late at night, where you get the rage, the guilt, the tears.

One time my ex wife was drunk and horny and I was sick and not feeling it and said no multiple times.

In the end I just let her get on with it. I suppose I could have fought her off but I was drained and weak.

Sometime later we watched a show that featured inter marital rape, where a wife didn’t want to consent but did so out of convenience/fear.

She was so disgusted and went on a rant about men.

I reminded her of our own incident and it did not go down well.

I have also been taken advantage of while a drunken mess by women who were sober.

Took me a long time to realize the morality of that situation.

I expect there are many men who have been raped by women who dont even consider that a thing.

Although I feel some sense of violation at these events it is more annoyance or embarrassment than fear.

I think that matters for the different dynamic.

[u/Scrawlericious → u/Anxious_cactus]

This is so much more common than I thought when it first happened to me.

[u/hi_how_are_youuu → u/Anxious_cactus]

Bless you, it really sucks as a guy to feel like something’s wrong with yourself just because you’re not in the mood every so often

[u/sheepdot → u/Anxious_cactus]

I broke a sexual relationship off with a woman, and she insisted that I needed to have sex with her one more time. I asked her if she was seriously saying that I owed her sex, and she said "yes" without hesitation, and then added that "you're a man, it doesn't matter to you."

[u/retrosenescent → u/Anxious_cactus]

you'd think men would understand this better than non-men but actually in gay relationships it's still a problem.

[u/itsalongwalkhome → u/Anxious_cactus]

I experienced this even though I had severe pain during that the docs have now fixed, I was expected to put up with the pain or she would cry and get really upset.

[u/TheGiftOf_Jericho → u/GenderJuicy]

Yeah it sucks because I think a lot of it is due to that stereotype where someone's male partner might not be interested sometimes and they'll think it's something they did or something wrong with them, but its totally normal to not always be in the mood.

[u/PaxDramaticus → u/GenderJuicy]

I dunno. In my life people of every description have tried to tell me that as a heterosexual male, my desires must be uncomplicated and without nuance. But the loudest, shrillest, and the majority of those people have been other heterosexual men. Usually men who are trying to force conformity from me so that they don't have to consider their choices in how they pursue sex, (edit) or men trying to invent reasons to imagine they are superior to me, as though merely existing was a competition. The "it's gay of you to love your girlfriend too much" types.

[u/ObserverWardXXL → u/PaxDramaticus]

this type of pressured gender conformity is exactly what pushed me into identifying as non-binary. It felt like male spaces didn't want me, and I was a "potential threat (or reminder of threat)" in female spaces.

I'll just be my own thing tyvm.

[u/flakemasterflake → u/PaxDramaticus]

I have a higher libido than my husband. It makes me feel terrible and everytime I reach out for help I'm met with "he's gay" "he's not attracted to you" "It's the porn!!!!" "He's cheating"

No one ever acknowledges that he's tired and being the low libido partner is just a ton of pressure that I don't know what to do about

[u/Maldevinine → u/GenderJuicy]

It's the self-selecting population problem. The men who put the most effort into dating, seduction, etc, are those men who place a high value on the physical act of sex and on new partners. So they form the majority of experience a woman will have with men's sexual desires.

[u/modme_at_gmx]

I rather have good pizza than a lot of pizza.

[u/NonSportBehaviour]

has anyone actually read the article itself?

[u/temblors]

Wow it's almost like men are people or something. Amazing

[u/XxRocky88xX]

Men have been saying that for years people just don’t listen.

[u/Minimum-Actuator-953]

I feel like this is one of those things everyone instinctively knows, and when a scientific study comes out stating it, it's just kind of obvious. Surely everyone already knew that men are not monolithic and have different sex drives that fluctuate.

[u/DesiBail]

So mastrubation is just a substitute dopamine source for real life social degradation?

[u/Jane_Lame]

So why do we (as in society) try to simplify everyones sexuality to the very limited christian model of relationships if we know this is more complex for literally everyone? 

[u/Ok-Blackberry-3926 → u/Jane_Lame]

because people keep repeating it over and over for years

[u/maimeddivinity → u/Jane_Lame]

Because it's simpler to comprehend and disseminate to the general population. It demands less cognitive load. Looking at the history of any organised religion (or idealogy) and how they spread, simplified ideas make traction faster among the populace. (Not agreeing with it, just my thinking as to why)

[u/Christopher135MPS]

Yeah this makes sense for me. If I’m feeling happy in my relationship, value/loved etc, I’m horny AF and keen to take a trip to pound town.

When I’m moody and feeling dejected, unfairly treated etc, if I do get horny I’m just going to do the five knuckle shuffle.

[u/Bonamikengue]

And still many cultures still believe a man can do it with every woman proposed, arranged, and forced into a marriage. That myth is still huge everywhere.

[u/retrosenescent → u/Bonamikengue]

You're conflating very different things. Can vs want to.

[u/bubbabuuuuuubbabub]

So is this another situation of the article being obvious, but relevant to write down in a study so that some jerk doesn't make their own anti-study and have it be published and common knowledge that is just plain factually wrong? Im thinking of the Alpha and Omega wolf pack thing, as one example. Like since when is it scientific to say that men are human. Sexual desire is complex, and your mood, environment, physical health, mental exhaustion, any allergies or medications or illnesses, all effect the body and how interested someone is in the act of sex. Solo and/or especially with a partner. And go figure. If you like your partner, you will want to engage in more partner related activities, compared to that same activity alone because you hate your partner.....

....Eureka?

Or did the ancient Greeks also know that your humours out of wack is what determines you having a shorter temperature, or a bladder infection, or a low sexual drive....

[u/dummary1234]

"Solitary sexual activities" sounds like theres a lot more I could do than jacking off. Like skateboarding sexually. 

[u/wonkytalky]

For me, other forms of intimacy and trust come first. Without those, it's likely that I don't really want to do anything physical with that person. They very much go hand in hand.

So glad the myths are being called out.