r/TwoXChromosomes • u/scorpiostyles • 20h ago
My brother is dating a girl who is too young
I recently found out my 32m brother is dating a girl who is 20f.
This has really been bothering me. I have my own trauma with my brother and this is reaffirming my negative feelings towards him.
I feel like it is predatory to date a girl so young. They are in completely different stages of life. He is a fully grown man with a well-paying career and a house and has lived independently for over a decade. This girl still lives with her parents and is in school.
He mentioned once years ago he is a fan if Andrew Tate. I keep thinking of how Tate and other far right men in that sphere talk about young girls. They blatantly go after young girls and admit it is because they are less experienced and easier to manipulate. I keep thinking of this and I feel sick knowing my brother is now dating a very young girl.
I feel like my parents will not say anything negative to him about it as they let so much of what he does slip under the rug. The whole thing just makes me feel gross and I feel so bad for the girl.
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u/marysusan325 20h ago
Yuck. When I was 27, my boyfriends friend started dating a 19 year old. The whole group stopped inviting him to things. It’s just weird, adult or not.
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u/Positive-Aide7544 19h ago
If me and a friends values are too different I’ll stop hanging out with said friend.
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u/Thej-nasty 19h ago
You’re right and everyone in this scenario are making their own decisions. You’re free to do what you want within the confines of the law but that doesn’t mean people around you aren’t gonna hold you to a higher standard if you’re being a creep.
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u/LaceyLizard 19h ago
Well yeah. You can't expect people to fuck with you if you have completely different values. That's the most mature thing to do, cut ties and move on.
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u/Individual-Gur-7292 19h ago
I would absolutely do the same if one of my friends lost his mind and dated a 20 year old. Not entertaining that nonsense.
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u/Bruins0615 19h ago
oh no dating a 20 year old the horror!
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u/Individual-Gur-7292 19h ago
When you are in your thirties, it sure is. Don’t know about your standards but I don’t tolerate creeps in my friendship group.
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u/Bruins0615 19h ago
If they have absolutely creepy intentions and have demonstrated gross behavior then that’s fair. But I’d say just taking things at face value and declaring blanket judgements on someone is equally as immature as the 18/19 year old may be
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u/Individual-Gur-7292 19h ago
The fact that they are dating a teenager at their big age IS the gross behaviour. Not really difficult to understand, surely.
I am not going to play any part in making a guy who feels the need to date the youngest he can get feel that this is socially acceptable.
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u/Pip-Pipes 19h ago
What would you like them to do if they don't want to hang out with an old creeper going after teenagers?
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u/Bruins0615 19h ago
“old creeper” he’s 27 you weirdo
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u/TheMaskedHarlequin 17h ago
Sounds like you’re probably of the same morals as the man who thinks it’s okay to date someone who is barely legal after having over half a decade of adulthood under his belt.
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u/dorkofthepolisci 19h ago
Yeah it’s still weird for someone who is 27 to be dating a 20 year old, unless they’re both at the same place re housing, work experience, or education
But most people in their late 20s have far more life experience than someone only a couple of years out of highschool
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u/NyxTheLostGhost 19h ago
Yikes why are you defending predatory older men preying on young women without life experience. Let alone in a women's oriented sub
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u/Positive-Aide7544 20h ago
Befriend her and lookout for her. Your brother respectfully sucks. When I was 18 I dated a 30 year old. He took advantage big time. I hope he doesn’t damage that young woman
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u/Alexis_J_M 20h ago
Talk to her. Get to know her. Slip in a few hints that you are worried he is taking advantage of her.
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u/Glittering_knave 20h ago
Drop in a couple of "I am surprised that you are dating a Andrew Tate fan". "It's funny that he talked about dating a young girl so that he could mold her into the perfect girlfriend, and you seem to be too smart to fall for that".
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u/NeverTrustFarts 17h ago
Ahh yes just make shit up about someone to their girlfriend you dont know because she is younger than him.
I'm sure she would love it if her brother told all her future partners "I'm surprised you're into her after how vocal she supported Lindsay Clancy killing her kids, oh well maybe you guys dont want kids?"
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u/Glittering_knave 17h ago
His brother said he was a fan of Tate and wanted to date younger women so he could manipulate them. How is repeating that lying?
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u/NeverTrustFarts 16h ago
The only thing that he allegedly said, conveniently years ago, is that he was a fan of Andrew Tate... it literally doesnt even say in the post OPs sibling said he wants a young girl to take advantage of lol you've quite literally made that up.
She said Tate and other flog podcasters mentioned it apparently.
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u/Glittering_knave 16h ago
Then just the Andrew Tate part and what Andrew preaches? If my BF was a secret fan of Andrew Tate, I would want to know.
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u/NeverTrustFarts 15h ago
"It's funny that he talked about dating a young girl so that he could mold her into the perfect girlfriend, and you seem to be too smart to fall for that".
Thats not what you said though, you've just made shit up... which is why I called you out on it. Tell her she's a fan of Andrew Tate, if it is true, and let her make up her own mind. You shouldn't need to make up completely unfounded bullshit about people to try and break them up.
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u/Llallos cool. coolcoolcool. 13h ago
At 20 I dated a 27 year old. It felt so normal at the time but by the end of the two years we were together, it was clear that the age difference was weird. Didn’t help he was emotionally abusive too. That relationship damaged me in many ways for years. I am now 32 and happily married to someone my age who is my best friend
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u/Vivian-Midnight 13h ago
That's a pretty damn big age gap, but the age gap is not the problem by itself. It's suspect. The fact that he's a Tate fan is the proof.
Try to talk to this girl and tell him what you know about your brother. Talking to your brother or your parents seems like a dead end. This girl might listen, especially if it concerns her safety.
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u/Individual-Gur-7292 19h ago
I would be so grossed out. No guy in his thirties dating a 20 year old has any good intentions. I would try to warn her but there’s a very good chance she won’t listen.
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u/Pellinaha 12h ago
Nothing you can do.
The best we can do is teach our nieces, daughters, etc. that a much older men being interested in you isn't a flex, sign of your maturity or a necessity because boys your age are immature. Chances are he is either immature for his age, looking to manipulate you or has a very warped view of women once they reach a certain age. Both things are alarming.
It was a much healthier stage in life (a 26 year old is a grown woman), but this girl was on TikTok searching for a man and stated he should be between 25 - 34. A 36 year old man expressed interest (which in itself is not an issue), then she said sorry, too old, then men entered her comment section dragging her for being bothered by those two years. Then to his credit he responded to everyone that her preference is okay and that he probably wouldn't date a 46 year old. Which on one hand good for him accepting her preference, on the other Han also interesting how they see us as expiring goods - he was totally good with going ten years younger and shooting his shot despite her max of 34 but all "hell no" when it came to going ten years older.
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u/pwetty_brown_eyes 19h ago
I would say start by being inviting and easy to talk to. She probably won't listen if you tell her straight up "break up with him he's weird" but being a positive force will probably be a good start
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u/chooseayellowfruit 19h ago
People need to be able to live their lives and make their own mistakes. It might be weird or gross or whatever, but it's also weird to infantilise an adut. If I had a brother that was into AT I'd be warning ALL of his partners, not just the ones with the age gap.
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u/AffectionateEscape13 Jazz & Liquor 20h ago
She might be young, but, she's still a grown adult who can make her own decisions. Why are you trying to take that away from her?
If you're that worried about her, become her friend. Let her know that you're there to support her however and whenever she may need
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u/Thepinkknitter 20h ago
One can be a grown adult who can make their own decisions while also making an incredibly BAD decision that they do not fully understand because they don’t have enough life experience to know better. And that’s besides the point anyway, OP never said anything about taking away her right to make decisions for herself.
This is about how OP feels about HER BROTHER dating such a young woman when OP AREADY has trauma related to that brother, and the brother has stated he is a fan of Andrew Tate who is a rapist and human trafficker.
This comment whoooooly misses the mark.
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u/TableConstant9948 20h ago
She’s worried because it is predatory behavior. I’ve never seen a relationship with an age gap that big not come with issues. Men love to hold whatever power imbalance they may have over women’s heads, whether it’s money, physical strength, stability, whatever. Also he’s an Andrew Tate fan, a man who literally trafficked minors and young vulnerable women. Her brother is a piece of shit and that young woman may not have the experience and maturity to realize it
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u/marysusan325 20h ago
That big, with someone that young. The conversation changes (to me) if she was 28 and he was 40.
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u/allyearswift 19h ago
Coming from personal experience: no, that’s still fucked up 99% of the time because the older party will have experience and money to weaponise against the younger party; ‘they know better’ or at least they manage to manipulate the younger party into believing that.
You’d have to work very hard to NOT weaponise your experience and to treat the other party as an equal partner even though they were just about in preschool while you drove off to university.
People looking for equal partners rarely date young.
All too often, what happens is that the younger party matures and nopes out.
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u/scorpiostyles 20h ago
I’ve heard so many stories from young women who get in these relationships with older men and regret it years down the line when they are older and can fully recognize the power imbalance that was present.
I hold nothing against her. I only hold animosity towards my brother because I think it is inappropriate for a grown man to pursue someone that young.
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u/Pineapple_Jane 20h ago
Yes, OP, definitely let this young adult have a predatory experience to reflect on with disgust when she's BF's current age. /s "well technically adult" means jack.
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u/AffectionateEscape13 Jazz & Liquor 20h ago
What do you expect the OP to do?
2 adults are dating. What can be done?
Again, the best thing for the OP to do, is to be there for there for her: let her know that she's supported in whatever way she may need
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u/SatanDarkofFabulous 19h ago
20 is adult only on paper. There's a lot of tangible changes in the brain in the early to mid changes and experience gained in those years
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u/Positive-Aide7544 19h ago
I’m 23 and I still feel like a baby. I wouldn’t even date older than like 29. We would be at different life stages.
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u/MISSdragonladybitch 18h ago
Twenty is an adult? Sure, sure, they can buy me a drink and we'll talk about that ....
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u/BagHeaux 19h ago
The number of women who are on this thread excusing a predator because they’re both “legal adults” is disturbing.
Just because something is legal doesn’t make it ethically or morally right.
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u/AlmostAlwaysADR 16h ago
Call him out. Hold him accountable to himself, to you, and your family. He is being a fucking creep.
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u/DexterousWaffle 13h ago
So your deciding on your own this grown adult woman is making a bad decision? Thats hers to make, you can feel wrong about it if you want, but your trying to take her agency as an adult. Which is a whole different level of infantilization and fucked up.
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u/ticktick2 17h ago
You can make a comment to your brother but be prepared for drama. I'd mind my business and prioritize my own peace. If you find out there is any abuse, report him.
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u/Bubbly-Mountain-4198 14h ago
Ugh, no. I find nothing wrong with a 10 year age difference between adults. Especially when the youngest is well in the boundaries of being an adult. Leave them alone.
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u/Correct_Union_193 18h ago
I see what you mean, but as a man who was in a relationship with a woman who was 10 years older than me, I don’t really see it as that big of an issue. After you turn 18, age is just a number, and yes, I can see how it will be predatory to try to date somebody who is less experienced, but think about it this way: how else are you going to get experience if you don’t do something to give yourself experience? And this just comes across to me as being very judgmental and like you’re letting your fear of things cloud your appreciation for what she might be able to do for him. Who knows, maybe they really are in love, maybe she can make him a better man, but if not, it’s really none of your business and that’s something that she’s gonna have to learn for herself. You getting all anxious about it is not going to solve the problem. It’s not going to make it change. The best you can do is be there to support that girl if you can and just hope and pray that things don’t turn out bad
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u/charlieboyyyyyyy 19h ago edited 19h ago
I know you want to help but if she’s dumb enough to get into that relationship then she’s also too dumb to be helped. With people like that, you have to let them learn on their own and just be there as a should to cry on after the fact.
And I’m sorry about your brother. Can’t imagine what it feels like to have to deal with a creep like that esp in your own family.
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u/Positive-Aide7544 18h ago
I’m not going to call a 20 year old who’s being taken advantage of dumb..
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u/charlieboyyyyyyy 15h ago
?? I never said anyone else had to call her dumb.
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u/Positive-Aide7544 15h ago
The point is you shouldn’t call a young person who’s being preyed upon dumb.
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u/thebearofwisdom They/Them 11h ago
So it’s good to see the flairing posts idea is working and there’s no brigading going on /s
OP, next time flair the post so you don’t get all the constant comments from people who’s opinion is basically “allow your brother to be a predator” or “she’s LEEEGGAAALLL” because neither of those opinions apply here to your situation. I’m not sure there’s much you can actually do, as your brother already has his hooks in this girl and she’s likely to be offended that you’re saying she’s too young. She needs to have a friend, for sure, I’d probably make friends with her and make sure she knows she can always leave. But prepare for it to go south of you outright tell her she’s not old enough. Your brother has probably been telling her how mature she is for her age, and she doesn’t have the life experience to know that’s a crock of shit.
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u/Hour-Palpitation-581 19h ago
Is talking to him not an option? This behavior deserves shaming...
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u/scorpiostyles 18h ago
We are not close and see each other once or twice a year. But my parents have a fairly close relationship with him.
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u/SufficientOpening218 20h ago
I wonder if her parents know?
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u/AffectionateEscape13 Jazz & Liquor 20h ago
What could they do? She's an adult
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u/SufficientOpening218 18h ago
They could talk to her, like nice parents do, support her, help.
Or, they could be crappy pos parents. Who knows?
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u/charlieboyyyyyyy 19h ago
My cousins dad cut off her finances and it eventually worked.
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u/Positive-Aide7544 19h ago
That can also backfire. He financially cuts her off so the older partner starts taking care of her financially. That can push her into an abusive dynamic. Glad that worked out but that could’ve went really bad
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u/Upstairs_Scene6263 17h ago
I dated a 23 yr old when I was 40. One who was independent, attractive and into things most girls her age these days aren’t. We meshed really well, we were together for 3 years, age is just a number. There are “old” men in their 20’s. It’s more of a state of mind then an age.
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u/chariskissme 18h ago
Yeah it’s not going to end well for him. Legit knows someone like that and he ended up dead
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u/henicorina 20h ago
This is a person who could really use a positive older female role model.