hi girls. tonight we're having drunken udon noodles with a dirty martini because my original dinner was a single olive in said martini and the mods quite reasonably informed me that this does not constitute food 💛 humiliating. anyway, i've acquired noodles. sadly they have done nothing for the boyfriend situation.

i've been with my boyfriend for about a year. a while ago he told me he was going out for drinks with a female friend i'd never heard of before. slightly odd, but fine. women are allowed to exist and i'm not asking for a register of every woman he's ever met.

then completely randomly i found out they'd actually met on hinge before we got together.

this was information he'd somehow neglected to include when describing her as “a friend”.

when i asked him about it, he insisted they'd never dated and had simply become friends. personally i'd consider “we originally matched on a dating app” fairly relevant supporting documentation when telling your girlfriend you're off for drinks with a woman she's never heard of, but perhaps i'm overly committed to administrative transparency.

also: HE arranged the drinks. and she apparently didn't properly know he had a girlfriend either. he'd vaguely mentioned seeing someone but somehow never managed the enormous linguistic undertaking of saying “i have a girlfriend”.

so: former hinge match, drinks he initiated, girlfriend doesn't know their history, hinge woman doesn't really know about girlfriend. extremely efficient system. nobody has the full information except him.

we obviously had a massive row.

and somehow his takeaway from this was to ask whether i'd be okay with him using hinge to find more female friends in the future.

hinge. for female friends.

apparently we're treating the dating app like a local knitting circle now.

he thinks i'm being controlling because he wouldn't be “looking for dates”. i think if you're opening hinge specifically to meet women, we may simply have reached the limits of the english language.

anyway, we're currently barely speaking and he's annoyed that i'm struggling to move past something he insists was completely innocent.

perhaps tomorrow i'll download deliveroo and use it to find a dentist.

am i being unreasonable or has this entire situation gone completely off the rails?

edit: for context, there was actually a whole period before the “hinge for female friends” suggestion where i just felt completely insane for being upset that he'd gone for drinks with a woman, told me basically nothing about her, and i only found out by accident later that they'd originally met on a dating app. i've had jealousy issues before, so i kept telling myself i was being insecure and needed to trust the man who'd always made me feel incredibly loved and secure. then he suggested using hinge to find more female friends and my remaining brain cell finally clocked in for work. apparently i'd overcorrected from “jealous girlfriend” all the way to unpaid defence counsel 💀

(Mini wontons fried in soy sauce, topped with egg.)

Welp. I don’t even know what to do now. I left, this happened tonight. I’m hoping typing this out will chill me out a little. EDIT TO ADD: I am at my mother’s. I left less than an hour after this interaction. As soon as she picked up the phone, confirmed I could stay, and I was able to pack everything

Trigger warning for verbal abuse and mention of past physical

I’ve been struggling with our daughter’s (5mo) sleep schedule, she’s regressing and stuck in an overtired cycle. I’m a FTM (first time mom) who is trying her best but floundering. I do everything myself. I’m not complaining about THAT part, as he works 12 hour extremely physically taxing shifts 5-6 days out of the week and I have been fine shouldering everything else. Baby girl, chores, errand planning, finances, dog.

All I ask for in return is stability and appreciation. To be treated kindly.

I set out his clothes and towel for a shower, have dinner working or ready, and a clean house for when he gets home. I tell him all the time that I want him to rest and recover when he gets home, he interacts with baby and helps a little with nighttime routine, but for the most part gets to relax as soon as he’s home. I thought I’d been doing good, especially recently, other than at night where I have to be in the room desperately trying to put her down for bed. I know he gets frustrated that we don’t have as much time together anymore but hey… we have a chunky grub now who requires attention and I’m juggling her with housework still when he gets back. He’s only up for around 4 hours after he’s home so that leaves very little room. We’ve had lots of talks about this and I thought he understood. I speak so highly of him to everyone.

Well tonight I put her down after about an hour of back and forth. I came out, talked to my little sister who lives with us for about 15 minutes, then sat on the couch and was trying to relax and chat with him before making myself dinner (cold now of course.) After a couple minutes I heard her start crying again and I just broke down and told him how tired and sad I was, how helpless I felt that this has been going on for weeks now. He gets up to comfort her, she resists, and he eventually gives up and comes back out.

I had already resigned myself to going back in there and holding her for however long, but was sniffling and noticed my mom had called me. I was even more sad that I wouldn’t get to talk to her. I mentioned it (“ugh, and mom called”) to my husband as I went to walk in. He said “go call your fucking mom” and it stopped me dead. I had no clue where the aggression came from and said “the hell?” He then got close to me, pointed a finger in my face, and said “Don’t even fucking start” I honestly thought he might hit me. I have trauma from past DV and childhood abuse. So I backed up and started to cry before getting furious and saying “What the fuck?? Why are you being like this?” He cut me off and said

“Shut the fuck up, bitch” and walked back into the bedroom.

I’m fucking heartbroken. Even afterwards, he admitted he has no idea where it came from and regretted it immediately. The only thing is this has happened before, not those exact words, but just cruelty during ARGUMENTS. I don’t even know what happened to make him act like this tonight. I try so damn hard to make him feel loved and appreciated, I do everything to make him comfortable and happy. I pamper this man. But the second he gets too stressed, he turns into someone hateful and mean. It’s such a 180 from his usual teddy bear self. We might be separated for good now. I REFUSE to let him speak to our daughter like that in the future. I’ve asked him to get counseling and he’s put it off, but before I left tonight he said he was serious now and will. I hate that I don’t believe him. I’m devastated at the very high probability that I won’t be able to spend all my time with my baby now. At my core, I feel numb. I’m tired, I’m lonely, and I’m scared.

Meal is half of a sushi pizza and a zero-sugar Sprite.

TLDR: I fucking hate modern dating, and I wish people with avoidant attachment were legally required to wear bells around their necks like lepers. I hate being single, but I can never trust any guy who says he likes me and wants to keep dating me ever again 🫠

I started seeing this guy (26M) I met on Bumble, and we went on three amazing dates. We talked endlessly about everything, and the chemistry was like nothing I'd ever experienced. We went dancing, he took me out to dinner, and we spent hours at the beach. I'd finally gotten the courage to start dating again after being dumped with no explanation nine months ago. I thought, "He seems pretty emotionally stable. We really like each other. And he's a bit older, so he probably has more of his dating intentions figured out." Yeah, right.

He came over to my place last week, and we had a wonderful time. We were supposed to watch the first 'Lord of the Rings' movie together, and he even brought over this silly prop sword to show me. We ended up watching 'Arcane' instead because I'd never seen it, and he insisted it was really good. We slept together and then got takeout. He said he'd "miss me" when he went back to work and that we'd surely see each other again. I knew he'd be away for at least a week because he works long shifts on a boat.

I noticed a few days ago that he was taking a long time to respond, and his responses were getting shorter. He was still sending occasional pics of what he'd been up to. He apologized the first time he went "MIA," citing that the "air at work has been really weird." He said last Saturday that he meant to ask me out again, but his situation got complicated because his dad was in town. He'd already told me about this in person, so I said, "No worries at all. I know how important family and work are ❤️." I then asked him how dinner with his dad had been. He told me where they'd gone to eat and that he had a good time. He hearted a picture I sent of the sushi pizza I was eating (the one I'm currently drowning my sorrows in). I'd already gotten this awful pit in my stomach and pulled an all-nighter due to an anxiety attack. But of course, I figured it would be pathetic of me to bring this up at all, so I said, "I'm so glad you had a good time with him 🥰. I was starting to think that the boat had swallowed you again 😂." He read it and hasn't responded in over two days.

I've spent this time quietly crying in my room, with a pain in my chest, and trying to sleep the bad thoughts away. My worried parents keep coming in asking what happened, and I can't tell them anything. I kept the fact that I was seeing someone from them on purpose because it was too early and in case something exactly like this happened. And I had this guy over while they were away on a trip. I didn't want to get excited so quickly just for him to turn out awful. I'm devastated regardless, and my trust in men, which I spent so long trying to rebuild, is shattered once again.

Why can't people just be honest if something's changed? I know we haven't known each other long, and no one owes me a relationship, but it's so fucked up to suddenly pull away after so much was shared. This exact thing happened with my ex, and I thought the chances of it happening again were surely slim to none. Because like, what the hell did I ever do to deserve this kind of deception? All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to be in a loving, trusting relationship.

I want to send him a short, final message telling him how hurtful and confusing this lack of communication has been, but I know I might be shooting myself in the foot.

POTENTIAL TRIGGER:

Work has been really bad lately so I’ve been leaving on my lunches to clear my head. I like leaving work and going to walk around at parks or stores nearby. It was raining today so I chose a store to walk around.

I pulled into the parking lot at 11:40a. At the last second, I decided I wanted to stop for coffee first, which is super uncommon for me to do. In my 6 years at this job, I’ve gone out for coffee only once before this, but I’ve been exhausted from marathon training the past couple weeks. Also, the past two nights I’ve fallen asleep on the couch at 7:30pm, which I didn’t want to do tonight because my wife isn’t going to be home until 8pm.

So I ended up driving to a coffee shop and didn’t get back to the store until 12:10p. At that point, a ton of cops, ambulances, and fire trucks started pulling in so I just left.

Little did I know, at 11:59a there was a shooting at the store I was planning on walking around with two confirmed dead. I can’t stop thinking about how stopping for coffee so that I’d have enough energy to hangout with my wife tonight might have just saved my life.

I think I’m okay. I mean nothing actually happened to me. I’m just kind of shocked that I was almost there and can’t stop thinking about what would’ve happened if I was. Now I’m just patiently waiting for my wife to come home.

(Chicken-bacon sandwich)

Three hours ago, my manager had arranged a meeting with me. On the way to the meeting, my manager seemed shook. When I opened the door to the meeting room, a representative from HR was sat in there. That’s when I realised what kind of meeting I was going into.

Basically, my role is going to be “fully automised”, as they put it. Well, good riddance, and good luck with that.

I am sad today because I formed friendships at this company. My best friend works there. She was also there with open arms the moment I needed it. Right afterwards. No matter what happens now, I know she is a keeper.

I don’t know what to do now. We’ve just bought a house and are dependent on a stable income. I’m sad and deeply frustrated.

Good luck to the rest of my team, and the rest of this industry. I was just the first one of us to be treated with this kind of farewell.

Dinner is cucumber, blueberry, scrambled eggs, tuna can, avocado, and strawberry.

​I need to get some perspective because I'm feeling sick to my stomach about my relationship lately.

​My partner hates feminism, but what bothers me the most (and what I'm struggling to reconcile) is how entirely lacking in empathy he is toward victims of sexual assault.

​Take the Cornell University sexual assault case, for example. His immediate reaction was that the victim is probably lying and just trying to get a payout for suing the University. He claims that he "doesn't blindly believe things," but it’s awfully convenient that the things he mostly refuses to believe are almost exclusively related to women.

​This isn't new, either. He has thought this way for a while, believing that survivors are either fishing for attention or trying to make money off false accusations. Whenever I try to talk to him about this, he points to the fact that we've watched a bunch of true crime documentaries about women with Munchausen syndrome or women who made false accusations for money, using them to justify his blanket skepticism toward all female victims.

I remember vividly a year ago we watched the documentary Keep Sweet: Pray and Obey about an ex-Mormon woman who left her FLDS cult, shared her story of being brainwashed, and talked about being taken advantage of at a young age. He claimed she was probably lying just because the way she talked "sounded fake" to him.

What really broke something inside me is I asked him a hypothetical question: would he trust our daughter if she ever came home and said she was raped? His answer was that he would only trust her report only if she hadn't been "acting slutty," wasn't under the influence of drugs, or hadn't put herself in a "dangerous environment."

That completely shattered my view of him. It showed me his lack of unconditional parental love and protection, and I realized I don't want to be in a marriage where any future children wouldn't be taken seriously just because they don't fit his arbitrary, victim-blaming standards.

We got into a huge fight over this. When I called him misogynistic and sexist, he accused me of "attacking his character" and verbally abusing him on his birthday (because I told him "FUCK YOU" in response to his answer about our future daughter). He insists that he loves me and loves women, but his actions and beliefs show the exact opposite, and I just don't feel it anymore.

​Looking back, I am genuinely shocked at how long I tolerated this "personal opinion" from him. Letting confirmation bias from a few documentaries dictate how he views all women in trauma is a huge red flag. As a woman myself, I realize I don't want to be around someone who has so little empathy, and I don't think I can move past this.

I know this will be a doozy as it still is to me lol. I just don’t even want to tell my friends about it as I’ve talked this man up.

Was seeing a guy for a few months. It was mostly great, honestly. Had so much fun, he even started saying I love you for a bit before I did. He has a son, which he saw a lot of during the summer but we’d FaceTime often as he didn’t want to throw a new person in his life yet (hell yeah). When he didn’t, we spent 3-4 days a time together. That’s not to say there weren’t red flags, however…

Onto the main issue, I have gotten cold sores for as long as I can remember. As of late, I’m lucky that I get maybe 1/year and even then they don’t blister. I told him this early. He got spooked and was anxious about it, I told him there’s ofc a possibility even without an active sore bla bla. Never had one as I was with him. He said he’d be upset if it happened but he’d get over it. Fair, rational I thought.

Turns out, he got one. Freaked out. Called me poisonous, a threat to society basically. We didn’t talk for about 2 weeks, I gave him the space he asked for to, I thought, process it. Instead he reaches out 2 weeks later and said that I put his son in danger (who is 8, I’ve never met), and he will only talk to me if I sent him 25k to “pay for medication to protect his son from receiving the virus.” Yes. Multiple times, 25k. Absurd. Financial coercion? I’m in the market to purchase my own house so he knows I have it. Weird. Odd. Obviously would never do lmao. He has made it easy to move on after that off putting stunt. I said I’m happy to help in a realistic way for antivirals as 25k surely is more than a lifetimes supply, lmao. He told me to fuck off. Ah well.

Mac n cheese pizza and buffalo chx pizza.

sorry if my food isn't appealing or doesn't count, it is all I can eat. Homemade jelly cups and sweet tea.

Trigger: Surgery going wrong

____________________________________________________

Please excuse my writing, I am writing this with tears in my eyes and bloody gauze in my mouth.

I went to the dentist today for an implant. I was a little nervous about going under but they said it would be ok. I woke up, completely out of it and confused, and they led me to the X-ray room to just check on the screw. Well turns out it was crooked.

I couldn't really understand as I was pretty loopy but as they put me back in the chair and put the mask back over my nose I panicked. They opened my mouth and began, I don't know, yanking and ripping the area. I could feel my jaw move and it hurt so much. I think they were trying to put me back under but I was so loopy and panicked that I couldn't breath out of my nose. Strangled sobs seeped out and tears poured down my throat into my lungs. It hurt and all I could hear was the doctor saying "I don't know why she is crying, it shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't hurt."

The world was blurry, without my glasses and the tears in my eyes. A small thought wriggled in my head that this must be how animals feel when going for surgery: confused, pain, and unable to communicate.

They finally asked if I was in pain and I nodded. They gave me a few shots but by then it was too late, the procedure was done and they just had to stitch me back up.

Tears still pouring, I asked for my husband and they brought him quickly with a snide comment "I don't know why she is crying so much. We gave her pain meds." They gave me an ice pack, said to take Tylenol at home if it still hurts. I clung to my husband, he was supposed to drive the car to the entrance, but I didn't want to be alone, so I just shakily walked with him. I just wanted to go home at that point.

I don't want to go back to that doctor but the thing I signed before the surgery said I had to get the cap for the screw with them, but I don't want to. I truly don't. My lungs hurt from my tears.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit:

Thank you everyone who replied with advice and kind words. Sorry, I haven't replied much; I passed out from the medication and, frankly, the stress. I will look into contacting the board. I spent so long saving for this procedure ($6,000) and I paid out of pocket, (I paid bc they said they had discount if give in cash, but I didn't realize that meant only physical cash and didn't feel comfortable carrying that much.) I don't want others to do the same and suffer.

I’m really tired right now. Sorry if I’m rambling. I’m eating a free donut and hot chocolate my college handed out.

Trigger warning: SA

I was SA’d when I was younger. It has completely ruined me to the point where I no longer wanted to be here. My family and friends helped support me as my case went to trial. The man who hurt me was sent to prison. I should feel safe, but I don’t. I’m still afraid of men. I can’t help it. I trust my male relatives, but then there are instances where I don’t, and I feel horrible.

I was then SA’d again two years ago by my first and only boyfriend. I made a police report, and he was expelled from my college. I’ve been going to therapy since it happened. I want to heal and get better, but it’s hard. I lost a friend who went on SM and said I was lying (my ex was really popular and well liked), my older sister passed away from a car accident, and I feel so guilty/depressed. It’s like I keep ruining things in my life.

A few days ago, my father and I visited some elderly relatives I haven’t seen since I was a kid. They told him straight up that I dishonored him, my mother, my brothers, my late sister, and that I’m promiscuous. My father defended me and told them to go to hell. I cried so much in the car.

I’m trying my best to move on with my life, but it’s so freaking hard. I’m still in college. My main goal is to graduate early, but I get so overwhelmed. Being on campus with people who know about me makes it even harder. I wish I could just erase my painful memories. :(

dinner is a salad with an egg on the floor 10/10

i’ve been with my partner for more than a year now, and they know i struggle with my body and i’m insecure about it. regardless though, they ask me if i can show my chest (both in real life and on call), see me shower, etc… and everytime, i try to hint or just straight up say i don’t want to. but then they would say something like “okay im never talking to you again” or “i show mine all the time though” and i have no choice but to do as they say. i know it’s my fault for putting up with it and obliging, and i know they genuinely just want to see - but it makes me so uncomfortable. i really don’t like to see myself do it either, it almost disgusts me. i don’t know what to do

edit: we are both 20!! i apologize if i came off as sounding underage. thank you guys so much for your replies and opinions, i fully recognize now that this isn’t right and you all validated my emotions of feeling uncomfortable about it as a whole 🥹 i could never talk about this to my friends (didn’t want them to think i was weird or anything like that) and talking about it here lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders..

Dinner is my favorite cookies (Levain bakery) & Coke Zero… for balance🧘🏽‍♀️✨

In 2022, I moved from my mother’s house because I started seeing a girl and confirmed I was bi and my mom was not accepting of my queerness (which i never gaf nor needed her approval to accept myself) however, during this time I was leaving she expressed to me in the most hating tone how I always wanted to outshine everyone according to her (I’m the youngest out of 7 siblings-only 2 are from the same mom).

I didn’t do anything but be my authentic self to prompt her to say this to me & I really felt hurt by it, It caused me so much pain to know my own mom wanted me to dim my light for no reason.

I’ve been no contact for 3years for other reasons I dont want to ramble about but, since i have opened my own business and ran it successfully for the past 3 years , came back to school to complete my bachelor degree and competed pitching my business for funding and won multiple times.

I met a professor that has impacted my life tremendously and pushed me & supported me in those competitions.

Long story short, I am competing for funding again and in an email I received from him today he included “just be yourself and you will shine” and it made me tear up and although he doesn’t know it, it heal me a little bit 💖🥰

I ate: Parmesan crusted veg enchiladas and a S-x on the Beach cocktail 🍹

The other day, I took myself to the Avengers: Endgame encore. Black jumpsuit, black boots, tribute to Black Widow. Afterwards, I went to Chili’s for snacks and drinks. I was having a lovely time on my own.

An ex-colleague called and wanted to meet. I was already finishing my meal, so I told her she could join me there. She came over, we shared fries, she ordered a drink, and we split the new bill. Afterwards, we walked around the mall and went shopping.

She has been supportive of me at work before, which is partly why I’m struggling to make sense of how uncomfortable I felt.

First, she took a photo of me across the table and sent it to another former (male) colleague without asking. Later, while I was looking at underwear in Marks & Spencer, she took another photo. When I asked to see it, she realised she had accidentally posted it to her main Snapchat story. She said she was saving it normally. But I had suspicions that she was sending to that male ex colleague again. And why click normal pictures on Snapchat?!

I tried to keep it light, but told her that she could ask me for pictures and I would happily pose: “Please don’t photograph me while I’m shopping for underwear!”. I felt exposed, and afterwards I kept wondering whether she was taking more photos without telling me. I can’t confirm that, but the one I saw was enough to make me uncomfortable.

The other thing was her comments about money.
She is saving to help fund her wedding, which I genuinely admire. I told her that and said I could learn something from her about saving. She responded that I spend freely because it’s my father’s money.

It isn’t. I earn my own money and fund my own lifestyle. I explained that.

Later, when I encouraged her to buy a top that looked lovely on her, she said she used to shop impulsively like me in 2021, when she was spending her dad’s money (“just like you.”)

I had already corrected her once.

I told her that I’ve only recently started letting myself spend on things I enjoy without feeling guilty.

After my engagement ended last year, I realised how much time I’d spent caring for everyone else and neglecting myself. These little outings and purchases come from my earnings. I also do things for my parents.

Then, when I said I would book a cab home, she commented that of course I would take it all the way home, and that this was why I didn’t save money.

I was open to learning the cheaper auto route and even asked her to show me. But the way she said it felt like a lecture.
I ended up booking the cab, and she got off along the way. I covered the fare because I was going home anyway.

What bothered me wasn’t splitting bills or being told about cheaper transport. It was being treated as financially careless, with repeated assumptions about whose money I was spending. It also felt strange coming from someone I’ve bought food and snacks for in the past.

When I got home, she had posted our pictures with “Perfect day out with my pretty babe.” We’d spent a couple of hours together at the end of my solo outing. The caption alone wouldn’t have been a big deal, but then she kept messaging me on Instagram and WhatsApp asking why I hadn’t reposted it.

By then, I didn’t feel like reposting.

I don’t think this one evening makes her a bad person. But I came home feeling judged about my spending, uncomfortable about the photos, and pressured to present the evening as something sweeter than it felt to me.

•39F

•Single, no children.

•Lunch/dinner: Chipotle went HEAVY with the guac & I'm here for it!

Today I had my first pap smear in 2 years (if they aren't abnormal, you only need them once every 2 years). It was my regular OBGYN office, but this was the first time I've ever been seen by a male doctor.

They have you fill out a massive questionnaire & I was brutally honest. Some of these questions were: "Have you felt worthless in the past 2 weeks, a.) No b.) Less than half, c.) More than half, d.) Daily," "Have you had a difficult time focusing in the past 2 weeks," "Have you had suicidal ideation within the past 2 weeks?"

I was surprised at how significantly different & lengthy the questionnaire was, but honestly in awe about how much more thorough this helped address postpartum woman. HUGE change!

My doctor walks in (late 60s, early-70s) shakes my hand, introduces himself, then states, "I'm pretty alarmed with most of your answers on the questionnaire." I proceed to tell him I lost my best friend of 24 years suddenly on December 21st & I just haven't been the same since.

He takes the time to listen, but without prodding me for further questions. Asks if I need a recommendation for a therapist, I told him I'm seeing one every other week.

When it came to the actual pap, he was all business, could see both strings of my IUD, then asked if I wanted it replaced (5-yr mark, so yep). He was probably the most gentle doctor I've had & when I said, "Yes, I'd like to get it replaced, please. No kids in my future plans," he is the ONLY DOCTOR who has never tried to convince me otherwise.

No: "Are you sure? You might change your mind."

"Oh, you just haven't found the right guy yet."

"Motherhood is the best gift I've ever been given."

"I don't want you to say no to anything you might regret for the rest of your life."

"Children are God's gift to you & the world."

A pleasant, understanding smile, & him telling me to eat with the medication he'd be prescribing for the removal of the old & placement of the new IUD.

I have never been so calm, comfortable & personally supported by an OBGYN, & I've seen 9 in 23 years.

If you made it this far in the post, just know that we ARE still supported out there. I'm going to be more optimistic for a while after that unexpectedly pleasant encounter. Thank you, Dr. B, I wish more men AND WOMEN like you existed in this day & age.

Oh boy. I could write a book on my marriage, but I just need to rehash some of the high(low)lights. Recently I’ve been falling back into very very deep hatred of the ex husband and I’m having a hard time not flying off the handle just at the sight of him. Made these dumplings last night and it reminded me of when I was still married to him and I made similar dumplings that he said looked “messy and like a toddler made them”.

For context, we were together for 7 years, we’ve been divorced for 3. We have 50/50 custody of our kid (8).
He is 10 years older than me, met when I was 20.

When we first got together he was super fun, friendly, a total hippie and very into psychedelic art / music / clothing. I was a total stray dog when we met (had just come off years of endless relocating, heavy alcohol & substance use, lots of intimate partners, etc). I want to add I was definitely living life by the seat of my pants but I was employed throughout and was clean and had a great social life. I was just a slut who partied a lot and tbh it was fun and I miss those times sometimes.

Ok so I got pregnant really early in the relationship (no I didn’t trap him and actually when we found out he was the one who was instantly cool with the idea of having a baby, it took me a sec to digest the idea of becoming a mom at 20). We were really obsessed with each other and literally having sex like 4 times a day every day. So it’s not like we were “settling” or whatever.

Fast forward to when the baby comes. He turned into this angry, stressed, paranoid guy who spiraled into conspiracy theory obsessions and shitty borderline manosphere podcasts. Always with the one earbud in. His high sex drive took center stage (I also had a very high drive but it got out of hand). He was begging me for hand job when I was 2 weeks post partum because I refused to fuck before my 6 week appointment. He got the handjobs btw. Then it turned into him spooning me while I was nursing in bed and he’d just SLIP IT IN while I was breastfeeding. Would finish in like two minutes. Like I was a literal fleshlight. He could last an hour during “normal” sex so it was obvious he was literally using me to cum as fast as possible.

Once baby was a year old we moved him to his own room and had the bed to ourselves again. He’d spend the day insulting me, calling me stupid because I’m less educated than him(I’m a high school dropout, but am well read and generally intelligent) would say I was too young to even have a real argument with because my brain hadn’t finished developing yet. He’s extremely ADHD so housework was a battle and he left a trail of messes everywhere constantly. The comments on my weight post partum were frequent. Throughout all this he would still expect sex on a daily basis, and I gave it to him to shut him up. It became so incredibly toxic I sometimes have a ptsd response/flashbacks.

A fun one was finding out he had a porn addiction. I worked nights and I came home one day to find him jerking it on chat roulette like it was 2006. Talking with girls in cam chatrooms, watching porn while he was in the bathroom, while I was asleep, etc. All while getting fucked at least once a day literally until the day I told him it was over.

Anywho ! I totally married him like an idiot. By that time I was 24. Getting married fixed nothing (shocker) and he became more and more mean and paranoid. Covid made his social paranoia really bad and the conspiracy stuff became a focal point of our life which I just couldn’t stand. Every conversation somehow came back to elite pedophiles or bohemian grove or mothman. I actually can’t believe that was my daily life.

Eventually it got so bad I turned into the worst version of myself. I started turning to people outside of the marriage for emotional validation. I fell in love with someone else before the marriage was over. Never crossed the physical line but emotionally I was checked out for months. It was a painfully slow death (moved into the guest room, took him months to move out). But once he was out he stayed out, I got our divorce sorted at lightning speed, and I am still with the person I fell in love with while I was still married to fuckface.

There are about a thousand more things I could talk about but these will do for today. Dinner is dumplings I made with my angel child.

ETA - he is a good dad and take good care of our child. I wouldn’t have allowed 50/50 placement otherwise. He also hasn’t dated at all since the divorce.

ETAA- by “good dad” I mean he keeps up his end of the coparenting agreement. Sticks to the schedule, splits all financial costs down the middle, keeps the kid clean fed and well rested. I am not saying he is magically a good person when he’s in dad mode. He is a shit person. I know problems will very likely arise between our kid and his dad with time, but there is nothing I can do other than set a good example in my own household and be there for my kid when his dad eventually disappoints him.

TLDR; ex husband was a crazy person in disguise. Still hate him can’t figure out how not to.

I used to work in a bookstore in a smallish town, for maybe 2.5years. Absolutely a DREEEAM for someone who loved connecting with people and yapping about books.

I left a year ago (today, actually) and my coworker informed me that a customer left me letter at the store and to pick it up when I came by again.

I recognised the name, since it was the same customer that gave me a hand annotated copy of Moby Dick, with sticky notes and questions inside for my own read, over a year ago.

It was a somewhat love letter, confessing a small crush but ultimate thanks for introducing him to his love for reading literature.

Honestly, im not even creeped out. He didn't leave a number. He didn't ask for a date. It is an incredibly wholesome thing to do.

I'm extremely flattered and it does fluster me up a bunch. Something similar happened a few months into working at the same store with another customer, who did ghibli dust bunny illustrations.

These men are doing something right. This is the way. Unfortunately for them, I have a very wonderful boyfriend. But how wonderful to have a impacted someone in, what i thought, was such a small way!

I hope this isn't showing off or comes off self-centered. I thought id give some girls hope that romance ISNT dead

I went to the ER on Monday night after 2 days of fatigue and back pain that radiated to my chest and a low grade fever. Did a bunch of tests, EKG, CT scan, Xrays, blood and urine tests. Fortunately it was not a heart attack or clot, but I had blood and bacteria in my urine.

I had a "silent" UTI that had progressed to my kidneys.

0 burning, urgency or need to pee. No constant pressure. Nothing like any UTI I have ever had, just excruciating pain and slightly elevated temperature.

UTIs can turn deadly fast, especially when they reach the kidneys. And I did not know silent UTIs existed at all. Fortunately, the ER gave me some pain meds and antibiotics that should kick it and today I am feeling much better. I have 5 days left on the antibiotic then it should be gone.

Just, take care of yourself out there! And keep some at home UTI tests around, just in case.

It was an ordinary day, and I’m so happy about that. I did all of the monthly/yearly laundry, exercised, did some of the paperwork to attend college next semester, and started planning Christmas gifts.

It was his first birthday since he passed. I’ve been preparing for this for the past couple of months. I was so certain that I would be an absolute wreck and wouldn’t be able to even get out of bed. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case. I’m really proud of myself for continuing, and for looking toward the future.

Dinner was an easy treat: a $5 Papa Murphy’s pepperoni pizza zhuzhed up with sweet peppers, black olives, mushrooms, sausage, and basil.

My uncle and cousin are currently doing some work for me at my house in basement and have all the doors to the garage and basement open as they both are constantly running to the truck to get tools for the work they are doing. I was sitting in my living room, moderately high, and reading research articles for school when a guy who lives down the block and had a crush on my mom like 40 some years ago just shows up and invites himself into my house. I had my headphones in because the guys down stairs were a bit noisy and I wanted to focus on reading, but I eventually heard this man yell hello while standing inside my garage, basically already inside my house. Good thing I was smoking because I stayed calm and got up and talked to him. He wanted to talk to my uncle. We had an awkward conversation and he literally walked down my basement steps without asking me to come in????? Didn’t even yell down to my uncle, just literally fully invited himself into my house. Not a single thought was in his head at all. Like what the fuck. Like you walk into my house uninvited just because you think you are cool with my mother??? Like dawg, WE are not cool and I barely fucking know you. And he’s not a little man that I can punt like a soccer ball, this guy is at least 6’3/6’4 and is heavyset. So this mfer is huge and I have no chance at beating him in a fight so I had to just let it happen, knowing that the guys were downstairs. As soon as I hear my uncle’s voice talking to him, I run to my bedroom, call my mom and have her come pick me up because I can not drive while inebriated and I was so freaked out by him just walking in. Like literally, what if I was in the shower? What if I was not fully dressed like I was? Like if I wasn’t in the living room, was he just gonna walk around in my house until he found someone? Like you just don’t walking into someone’s house like that uninvited, especially as a man coming uninvited to a woman’s house. Or like you just don’t stop by uninvited without knocking on the front door like a normal fucking person. It’s just not safe. I’m so lucky my mom’s office is literally 5 mins away and she had no clients. And even more so, I’m so lucky my uncle and cousin were there. I know they wouldn’t let anything happen to me, so I know I was safe. But still this whole thing really freaked me out tbh. I love how all this happens on my day off hahahahahahah!

Anyways, ice cream I got yesterday and will be eating the other half of tonight once I go back home from the office. Vanilla and Oreos. Tasty.

Some braised beef noodle soup for dinner, which I wish was spicier

What's a book you've read that genuinely changed your life or really stayed with you?

It can be anything- fiction, a novel, an autobiography, a lifestyle book, or really any kind of book that stayed with you long after you finished it 📚✨️

A&W Nashville hot burger, with a side of Doritos and Diet Pepsi

New account because I feel like my coworker might recognize me. I know she’s a regular on this subreddit.

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I can’t stop thinking about it. It started with the occasional thoughts. Just wondering how it would be if he was a girl. Then me and my coworker kept talking, and joking about I’m attracted to women. Like obviously I check out women, they are pretty. I kept denying it, I’ve went down that path, I didn’t like it. Everyone was telling me don’t let one bad experience with girl on girl convince you you aren’t into them but I denied it. I’m not into girls, no way. Then yesterday I was showering and couldn’t get the thought out my head. I wish I was a boy so I can date girls like I date guys. Then now all I can think about is how bad I wish my boyfriend was a girl. I wish he had parts I can’t understand why in the world I would ever want him to have them. I’ve been adamant I don’t like those parts, I don’t like boobs. I don’t, I swear I didn’t so why do I wish my boyfriend had them so bad. Why can’t I look away when a pretty girl passes by.

Today I’m at work, I’ve only been here for an hour and I just keep watching pretty women pass by and I can’t take my eyes away. Then I suddenly realize I’ve never looked at a guy the same way I look at a girl. I’ve been wondering for months why I don’t seem to feel as attracted to my boyfriend as I should. I thought something was wrong with me, I love him. I do, i genuinely do, I love being around him and I love him in my life. But he’s not a girl…

Yesterday I had my first experience with straight sex and man was it amazing. But I kept thinking about how it would work if he was a girl. How it would have to be a strap on. While actively having sex with him.

Am I into chicks? Do I even like men? I’m so lost. How do I even talk about this to anyone. What if I’m just confused about my identity and freaking out over a small detail.